riverviewlogs | A celebration of family, eh?

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A celebration of family, eh?

who: Ciel Phantomhive, Undertaker, Vincent Phantomhive, those invited to spend the holiday
what: Celebrating Hygge with cocoa by the fire
when: Second day (and on? maybe?)
where: Phantomhive/Undertaker house
warnings: None

He'd spent a late day in the store the day before, having several Bitter Rabbits customized to share at least a passing similarity to their recipients. And when they'd been finished, he carefully wrote out notes for each, boxed them, and set them out to be delivered the next morning. Two of them, he packed up to take home with him, to give to their new owners personally. They were in an unmarked box at least, easily covered up as something for work that he didn't want to leave.

He hoped the invitations would be accepted. At least in their own home, his father and Undertaker seemed at least a bit excited for Hygge. Even if it was something unique to this world.

Ciel also made sure the had plenty of ingredients for cocoa and plenty of marshmallows for it. His sweet tooth demanded as much. Anything else he was sure would be asked for. A shop wasn't too far away that they couldn't get anything needed or wanted. Or so he hoped.

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Still, Ciel watched him and still he was curious. His eye moved down to watch him handle the chain, stopping on the one Ciel recognized and had looked at more than a few times back in England. He couldn't quite grasp what else Undertaker could have meant though.

"I wasn't sure you ever meant for me to know you loved her at all." He said softly, lips forming a thoughtful line. "What else could there be?"

Of course he was curious, but he was also a little unsure about just what he was going to hear. He'd never known his grandmother so his opinion of her couldn't be skewed too much.

He let his fingers rove over the charm a little longer, sipping down the last of his cocoa and set the mug aside in the sink to wash later. "No, no. I didn't want you to know, but you had my chain, and you found part of the story on your own."

Clever boy. Of course he would have found out one day, one way or another. He was a Phantomhive, after all, and Claudia's grandson. When he looked back at the boy, he found himself searching, though for what, he couldn't put his finger on at first. "A connection. I did love her - I still do, but there it didn't end."

He'd gone over this conversation a dozen times and more in his head since Ciel had given him back the chain, then a dozen more and over again when the boy asked about Claudia. It was easier to admit, now that he had already had a practice run against the boy's father, but still not quite the same. "I don't know if you would believe me or even want to accept this, but you should know. Your father is my son."

He had been told he was a genius. And the Quarantine had confirmed it enough by allowed him to open a business rather than attend school. Even if it meant tolerating a case worker. Undertaker, and now his father, made everything bearable. And it sometimes gave him a laugh, before Undertaker had moved in with him and he'd wander in the night to sleep by him, to think of her reaction at finding Ciel 'missing.'

"That's normal, isn't it? When you love someone." That you kept loving them, even when they were gone. He kept her hair and death date on a locket, always close to him aside from the incident on the ship.

He never expected the love to be mutual though. Then again, what did he know about Claudia except that she held the title of Watchdog for a time? So belief? That was a little difficult. Ciel had to make himself laugh a little, more in disbelief than anything.

"No. That can't be right." Could it? "That would mean... we're not entirely human."

Was it normal? He didn't rightly know. All around him back home, he saw men and women made to marry because their parents saw benefit to merging houses for gain in one way or another. It was all about family, all about the heritage and about what it would look like to society, how it would raise the name, and the bride and groom were to make of it what they could, regardless of how they actually liked each other in the end.

What he saw in Claudia was nothing of the sort. There was no betrothal, no family to push them together so that they would bring an advantage to their relatives. He suspected that was what Claudia loved about him most, not so much who he was or his feelings behind the robes and the hair, but that he offered her the freedom to choose to go to him or not to go to him as she willed. He was hers when and where she decided.

Ultimately, she submitted to her family's choices and carried on her duties as a daughter and wife, but he had her heart, and she had his. His smile softened. "Perhaps it is. Love isn't spoken of much in your world of nobility when you look at men and women. You're too young yet to know it and what it can be, but I wonder if you will."

Ciel had already been promised out to another, the decision made for him before he was even old enough to understand what the words meant. Now, Elizabeth had another fiancee to look forward to, and he looked at them now and saw children at play. What did they comprehend of their situation?

The grin he turned on the boy then was muted. It was almost refreshing to hear the Earl doubting his words. "What do you think? You don't have to believe me."

'Ciel' had been engaged to Lizzie his entire life, he never knew a time that the engagement hadn't been in place. And neither of the twins had ever questioned or argued it. That had just been how it was, nobles married nobles. Elizabeth was noble, and so was Ciel. It seemed normal.

Undertaker, when he'd told Ciel about his grandmother, had defied that a bit. Even if he knew that she'd had to have married a Phantomhive from their line alone. And he was right that Ciel was still young. He'd never really thought about his and Lizzie's relationship as 'love' but he'd always been fond of her. He'd always tried protecting her and she did the same for him. Love though? He wasn't sure about that.

"I don't know..." What did he think? What was he supposed to think? Undertaker as his grandfather? That would mean Claudia had been unfaithful. Even not knowing her, it was hard to think of anyone in his family behaving in such a risqué manner. Someone who had raised his aunt and father, he would have thought her more rigid when it came to behavior.

She had also been the Watchdog though. And he knew what the duty entailed, it was pretty and it wasn't kind.

"Wouldn't the otehr reapers have noticed something like that? William or Grell? Or those reapers in Germany we saw?"

Palms were placed against the counter and he leaned into them a little, resting his hips against the knuckles.

"Not with the way that we kept things hidden. We had to, to keep her husband and everyone else from finding out. Can you imagine what that would have been like for her, knowing our world like you do, if it had been discovered that she was guilty of adultery?"

Never mind what would have happened to her family, to her son and daughter. People were not kind and gossip came cheap. The lengths that they'd had to go to to keep their affair a secret had been nothing short of an ordeal, but worth it in the end.

"You don't have to believe me, milord. I only wanted to tell you. What you do with it is your choice, but I hope I haven't ruined you on me for a liar."

Just for something to do, something to distract himself even a little, he sipped at what was left of his cocoa. It wasn't easy to wrap his mind around something like that. A grandparent that was still, sort of, living- he still didn't know much about reapers aside from what he learned in a few encounters. And that hadn't taught him much.

"Does... this..." He bit his lip and then rephrased. "Is this normal..?"

Reapers and humans, falling in love, having a family. Even if it was a strange family in a number of ways. The Watchdog's and a retired grim reaper, a noble and a mortician.

Thinking of Undertaker as a liar though, that hadn't quite crossed his mind. He was still trying to come to terms with what he'd been told by itself.

If Ciel needed all the time in that world, he would give it to him, whether or not he could accept what was presented. In the end, it was up to him to decide what to make of the information, what would be done with it or what could be done about it.

"It must be, in some way. Whatever else you may have heard, all grim reapers were once human, trained out of their emotions on the other side - or tried to be. We once had lives of our own, family, friends. It's only natural for us to want that again in some way or fashion."

That was actually new information for the teen, looking to Undertaker with a wide eye, mouth opening to question and then snapping shut. He wanted to find a less impulsive way of asking about that but how did one even try approaching the subject delicately?

"I didn't know that, actually." There were few reapers he ever associated with and Undertaker had been the only one he was on amiable terms with. And he hadn't known that he was a reaper until recently.

"Why would they train reapers like that?" When it was so clearly ineffective that Undertaker had fallen in love with Claudia, when Grell so frequently meddled in human affairs.

There was the rub of it. Why, indeed? "Life is such a beautiful thing. Some of us never really appreciated it, blind to what we had. As bad as it seemed at the time, it was still worth it to hold onto until the bitter end. For grim reapers, we're just humans who took matters into our own hands."

As bad as his had been at the time, he hadn't wanted it anymore. It hadn't seemed worth it. Too much had gone wrong and in his misery, he'd done the one thing that seemed right. "We watch life end for everyone else until we're forgiven for what we've done. You see the misery on the dying, the desperation of their loved ones for just one more minute. You relive that through them again and again until the point is driven home and that's the punishment, and you're expected to detatch yourself from it all. The irony of it is we're being made to appreciate that which we gave up by showing it indifference."

Really, it sounded a bit like his outlook had been the past few years. What value did his life have except as his brothers twin, another sacrifice for the cult, another meal for a demon. He hadn't been able to see his own value and, even now, he was still trying. At least he was trying though.

"That seems cruel." How could anyone appreciate living if they're made to detach themselves from it? Punishment made sense but that sounded excessive. He could see why Undertaker left, why Grell hardly ever seemed to behave. If he were in that position, he'd likely do the same.

He shrugged and brought his hands around in front of him again to reach out and brush Ciel's hair back for the sake of doing so, to see what the boy would do, if or how he had damaged their acquaintance by telling him as much as he had. "I suppose it has some purpose, to make us wish we had done better with what we had been given, not that I'll ever agree to it. But they do need someone to collect those souls that were meant to transition to the next world and save them from hungry demons. There was a reason I warned you to take care of yours."

Little that he did had a lack of motivation, even the times when he'd seemed unhinged and just a little touched. He hadn't rightly been able to explain it all then, where he walked a line between being found out and saving those he cared for, but now those shackles had been loosened and his tongue along with it. "What do you say, milord? With your father around now especially, should we keep you safe and sound and never let you go?"

He'd planned on it, whether or not Ciel had.

He still wasn't used to having his hair brushed back very much, leaving his patch entirely visible, so he only tensed for a moment. Undertaker had seen underneath it on a few occasions, even saw it when Ciel woke in the morning or when he'd gotten himself sick at a party.

Ciel felt his ears burn a little in embarrassment at the reminder of all the mortician's warnings. He had been right, he should have listened, but all he'd cared about was revenge, how much he wanted to make his families murdered suffer. And there had, of course, been the constant presence of the demon who valued his soul so highly.

'I have gone through great pains to cultivate your soul. I won't let him rob me of it.'

"The warning came a little late though, I already contracted him. I had no way to change that, I still don't." And he'd had no way of knowing, no reason to think, Undertaker could help him. Look at him now though, both of them.

That sounded nice though, just living here forever. Not having to worry, having Undertaker and his father close, being happy. And safe.

"Is that even possible?"

The flinch was something small, almost indistinguishable from what he could see, but it was enough that Undertaker drew his hand back and kept it to himself. But the despair was there. He couldn't help but notice it, however small.

"There are things that might be done. What makes you think you can't change it now?"

He had a sneaking suspicion he knew the answer to that already. He had seen it all happen in action over the network post, seen what the demon said before the contract was formed, and that spoke volumes. But to a child, in pain and agony and desperate for a way out, he would have taken anything without thought to consequence. It was all demons thrived on, and the more corrupt the soul, the more appealing.

The retreat of his hand immediately made Ciel feel bad but he was absorbing as lot, and then the idea of breaking his contract...

He'd never once backed out of something he had thrown himself into. Not really. It had been nearly four years of almost complete disregard for his own well-being since he knew Sebastian wouldn't let him die. Not while his soul was still being made into a perfect meal for him. And he was already thinking his way through removing the brand on his back.

"He said he'd never leave." That mark on his eye was supposed to keep him tied to Sebastian. "That the price to cross had been paid... Ciel..." His hands clenched helplessly before one reached out grasping at Undertaker.

"And at the school- at Weston. He said he wouldn't let you rob him of my soul." He paused and then softly: "I don't know."

He had intended to stay as he was, but considered moving to the table again to gather his rabbit. Rather than doing that, he was halted by Ciel's hand reaching out to him, holding him in place with or without actually meaning to do so. So he stood there and he listened, as he was wont to do.

What he heard tore at him in some small way. Of course the boy had been told what he had by the demon. Of course he would believe it, despite his own wonderings on why Ciel believed the word of a demon at all. Even as a noble, a child's mind would only endure so much before any relief sounded good.

He couldn't blame the boy for not being able to see past it even now. He'd been trained to think of nothing else; he needed the demon. "Milord, he told you many things. You swore him never to lie to you, but only from a point on. You must be smarter than this. Think beyond his cage."

His hold was light, easily broken if Undertaker wanted to step away but for the moment he felt like an anchor for the teen. An anchor and safety. He'd been that for him for months so far. He'd gone from relying on Sebastian to relying on Undertaker but he at least wanted what was best for him, not his soul or anything else. Just his safety and happiness.

It meant so much.

And he was right. His orders had only come after the cultists were dead and he was freed, their manor burning to the ground. His only real reassurance had come when he asked Sebastian about if his brother had been dead.

"I don't know what to think anymore." He admitted, voice still soft. "I like it here though. With you and father. I'm... I'm happy."

And he hadn't thought he'd really ever have that again. Not after the attack, after everyone had died.

Rather than break the hold, he turned and reached for the mug to set it aside if Ciel would give it up. He sighed and set the other hand on the boy's shoulder, still smiling and almost amused with the whole thing if not for the seriousness of what they were discussing. In his own mind, he was certain the Earl was not happy. How could he be? Hounding his parents' murderers, all of his smiles less and less honest by the minute.

What sort of life was that? What happiness could Ciel have had in any of it? The joy of revenge? Then how long could that hope to last when a demon could come to claim him when it was all said and done?

But when Ciel said he was happy then, Undertaker believed it. He hesitantly believed it. "You will someday. You've been able to get yourself this far without the demon. Why don't you keep following that which kept you going on your own steam and see what it says?"

He'd let the mug be set aside, his then free hand falling to his side. Undertaker was right though, he'd let go of a little more each day over the years. What point had there been in being happy when the length of his life remained so unpredictable. More so than another humans life.

"I haven't been on my own though. You've been looking after me." And a few other people but they didn't know everything. They knew a few things, enough that they didn't give up. Undertaker knew everything though.

"I... suppose I can do that though."

Mug away, he reached down for Ciel's hand and led him from the kitchen to the couch to sit him down, where it was softer and more comfortable than the hard wood of their chairs around the dinner table. It seemed that they spent most of their time there now, enough so that he kept a blanket folded over the back of the seat, but he left it as it was. Bill would have to wait on the table for him.

"After a time, I did. We weren't living together at first. Those days were something that you pulled together yourself to survive here. This place isn't so cruel and you were cared for, to be sure, but anyone in your position would have been, and you still stood tall. As always, my lord."

It was what the boy had been raised and expected to do, after all. "I know you can. If or not you believe me, I think you forget you're stronger than you look, asthma and everything. When the time comes that you decide if you want to keep the seal or if you want to remove it, you'll let me know."

Ciel let himself be taken to the couch. And it wasn't missed by them how often they settled there, either to relax or for more serious talks. This was a little of both, almost.

He let himself relax against the cushions and watched Undertaker. It was true, he hadn't lived with him at first, and he had managed on his own (mostly) after his roommate had moved out. Although, he wouldn't say those instant meals and restless nights were him managing well.

"I'll remember." He was strong. He'd endured a lot. Sometimes he didn't want to be so strong though, even if he hated being weak. "We can... at least get rid of the brand..."

Poor boy. This was what happened when he kept himself at a distance from everything, but it wasn't something he could correct back home, not without remembering what happened here. He wondered if he would, if they ever could go back. In the next moment, he'd put it all aside and gave Ciel's hand a little squeeze.

"Is that truly what you want?" Just another terrible mark of the past, something to be fixed and never forgiven. It thrilled him to no end that the Earl was considering removing it, but the decision was Ciel's alone. "I hope this isn't because I had it done myself. Don't feel like you must."

Back home, it wasn't often he thought about actually returning. He thought about home often enough but the idea of going back made him both homesick and terrified. He'd hate to lose all he gained, the people he met, while here, but there were things left undone in England. Hos brother and Lizzie for one.

He let Undertaker's voice draw him back to the present and the hand holding onto his. And then the strayed again, just a little, to the mark on his back. A moment passed and he nodded.

"I... hate it..." It felt like the cultists were mocking him still from where ever they were. "I don't want a reminder of them anymore."

"Brave boy." It wasn't often that he referred to Ciel as anything other than 'milord' but this occasion was something different. He lifted Ciel's hand to his lips and put a light kiss to the back of them. "We wouldn't ever have been able to consider something like that on the living in our time, but I am delighted to hear you want it gone."

After a moment, he let the hand lower back between them where it had been as if nothing had happened and gave it a light swing. "We'll let you pick the time and date and work things out with Doctor Crusher from there."

He noticed, and couldn't help but blink up at Undertaker in surprise. Personally, Ciel was sure this counted as being brave. It had acted as a reminder for him over the years, a reminder of what the cult had done to him and Ciel. In the back of his mind though, even if he didn't want to acknowledge it at the moment, he knew he'd never forget any of it.

Letting him pick when to do it though, it was probably equally reckless and kind. Without thinking, he knew he'd probably back out if given too long to think about it.

"As soon as we can."

A celebration of family, eh?

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