riverviewlogs | [open] try to tell the difference

[ Cisco continues holding Beverly's hand, even though she says it's all right. He might not have had any way of knowing to avoid the subject, but he still feels a touch of guilt for stumbling over something so personal nonetheless. And while he's sure that someone as well-adjusted as she seems has probably processed and dealt with all that a long time ago, a little bit of comfort never goes amiss, does it? ]

You don't have to, now.

[ Some awful part of his mind is curious about the details, in spite of himself, but Cisco isn't a monster. He changes the subject, quickly and decisively. Best not to dwell on that, particularly considering where they're headed. ]

So, you got any engineers on that starship of yours? You must have, right? I mean, just to keep everything running...

[ Surely that'll be an easier topic - a question about her crew mates, something to do with her adult life as a badass doctor and not the awfulness of the past. ]

[He's too sweet and her fondness for him grows even more. One day, he probably will get the whole story, but now's not really the time or place. He's nervous enough as it is, adding her emotional baggage on top of that is probably not ideal.

Still, she doesn't let go of his hand quite yet.]

Of course! The engineering department consists of about fifty people, with Commander La Forge at the head. [She smiles.] I think the two of you would get along very well, actually.

How come? Are they a total nerd, too?

[ There's fondness in her voice, when she mentions this LaForge, so Cisco follows that up. They are nearly to their destination, now, but that doesn't stop him from being curious. ]

My best friend back home was a doctor, too. I bet you would've loved her.

[ And Cisco feels a pang of homesickness, then - quick but sharp. He doesn't regret his decision to stay here, but god, he misses Caitlin sometimes. He's gotta put more work into figuring out how to use his powers to get some kind of message back to her, explaining, telling her not to worry about him, telling her he loves her and knows she'll have a brilliant life. ]

[She laughs.] I don't think he would admit to it, but yes, he is, a little. But then, I suppose I am too.

[She notes the flicker of emotion across his face when he mentions his friend. Homesickness, no doubt. No matter people's decision to stay or to go, it's something everyone here has to wrestle with at some point or another.]

It's hard, being away from them, isn't it?

Yeah, but you make it look cool.

[ He means that more as a compliment to Beverly than as a dig at himself, though it kind of works both ways. Cisco had given up on coolness a long time ago. He's perfectly comfortable with being an embarrassing, enthusiastic, not-fitting-in goofball. That's just who he is. ]

Mostly just her.

[ Cisco missed Barry, too, but he had known Caitlin years longer, had helped her through her grief when Ronnie died. They two of them shared science, shared the desire to do good, shared so much more, though on the surface they were so different. He can feel himself starting to get sucked into that sadness and gives a little shrug. ]

We went through a lot together.

[ He is relieved, then, when the brakes of the jeep squeal as it comes to a stop. There is a huge tree blocking the road, and no other way around. They're as far as they can get - the last little bit will have to be on foot. Cisco sits up straighter, shaking off gloomy thoughts of home and announcing brightly: ]

Nearly there. You got everything?

[ And he's climbing out of the vehicle himself, tightening the straps of his bag, checking that everything is as it should be. ]

[Another time, maybe. Beverly's a good listener, if he ever needs it. For now, she gathers up her back before climbing out of the car with her tricorder in hand. She flips the device open and immediately starts scanning the area, on the alert for any of the dangerous jungle beasts that roam the abandoned city. Other than the expected insects and small birds, there's nothing of concern at the moment.

Other than getting over this tree, that is.

She meets Cisco at the front of the jeep to examine tree more closely.]

What do you think? Should we try to climb over it or go around it?

Over works for me.

[ The tree is at about chest height, for Cisco. Awkward to climb over, true, and the surface is mossy and slick with dew, but there are plenty of branches to use for leverage. He's gotten pretty used to scrambling over trees and boulders and debris, combing through the abandoned city for salvageable tech. It's not exactly graceful, the way he scrambles up onto the tree, but it works, at least. He offers a hand down to Beverly, to help her up after him, so she doesn't need to put away the tricorder.

Once they hop down on the other side, and the rest of the medical team and their Guard follow, Cisco points in the direction of the building. It's a little taller than the buildings around it; Cisco feels a small drop in his stomach, but holds his chin high and keeps moving. ]

What's that thing do?

[ He gestures to the tricorder. ]

[It's not the first or the last time Beverly will have to do some climbing for a mission. She's reminded somewhat uncomfortably of scaling the cave wall back on Kesprytt, but at least this is a much less dangerous climb. Taking Cisco's hand, she hauls herself up and over the tree. On the other side, she pauses for a minute to take in the sight of the building, the tricorder still humming.]

Hmm?

[She looks down at the device. Of course! Cisco would certainly be curious about it!]

Any number of things, really - but primarily it's a scanner. Right now I'm taking environmental and life sign readings.

Sweet.

[ Cisco absolutely is looking at the tricorder like he would very much like to open it up and dig around inside it, see what makes it tick and all of the awesome futuristic tech inside. But they need to stay on task. So he starts walking, though he keeps casting glances at it as they make progress. After a few moments he can't help but exclaim: ]

It's so... retro looking!

[ Must be one of those style things: where enough years had passed between his own time and Beverly's that what looks to him to be an outdated aesthetic is in style once more. ]

Lemme know if that thing picks up on anything incoming. We're definitely in, like, monster territory, now.

[ Saying it out loud seems to work as a kind of reminder to himself, and Cisco stops staring so much at the tricorder, keeps his eyes and ears alert for any signs of trouble. However, they are undisturbed as they close the last half mile to the building. When they come up to it, Cisco gestures for the others to follow him around back, to the door that Rey had carved a path to through the thick vines with her lightsaber.

Now that they're here, Cisco falters a little: ]

Uh, maybe... do you wanna scan before we go in...?

[If they were back home, she'd have no problem letting him poke around the tricorder - after all, a new one could always be replicated. But here, she's rather protective. It's the one bit of home she has, aside from her uniform.

She cocks her head curiously at his comment.]

Retro?

[The tricorder continues to hum as they move around to the back of the building, scans not showing anything out of the ordinary. Seeing Cisco's nervousness, Beverly easily takes charge, stepping up to the door and motioning one of the perimeter guards to follow her with his gun drawn, just in case. She scans the door.]

Nothing unusual here... I don't sense anything beyond the door either. Still, we should move with caution.

Um... [She turns her head slightly to address Cisco.] How does this door operate?

Yeah, you know. Old school. Kinda got a 90s look, you know? 1990s, I mean, not 2290s or whatever...

[ But he trails off, leaving that thought unfinished. He waits as Beverly uses the tricorder to check inside the building. It's a small reassurance, that she says there's nothing unusual. Still, Cisco feels a twist of uneasiness in his stomach. ]

Here... let me.

[ He comes up beside Beverly, pulling a knife from one of the pockets of his vest and using it to saw through the vines he'd used to tie the door shut. He crouches down, then, and with a little bit of twisting and persuasion, pulls free the old crowbar he'd used to try to wedge the door shut at the bottom. Cisco stands up, then, reaches out to pull the door open. But he pauses, with his hands halfway there. Chewing on his lower lip, he draws his hands back, tugging at his sleeves so that they are covering his hands completely. Hopefully, Beverly will take that as some kind of slightly childish attempt to avoid getting his hands dirty. The truth is, of course, that he's going to try to avoid touching anything in the building directly, lest he have another rather awful vision of what went on there when it was still in use.

With his sleeve-covered hands he pulls the door forward, opening a path through to the building. ]

[She looks at the tricorder again. Does it? So much of that era was lost to the wars, to despots and anarchies that she has no idea if that's true or not.

Noting Cisco tucking his hands into his sleeves, she waves over one of the other medics, who has a medkit in hand.]

We brought gloves, if you think we'll need them?

[It is an abandoned medical facility after all. Better safe than sorry.]

Uh... yeah, um. Can't hurt, right?

[ Cisco feels a twinge of guilt at that, because he's pretty sure that from a medical standpoint (as far as he knows anyway) the gloves are probably not necessary. But there's no good way to say "not you guys, but I should wear some" without coming up with some bullshit lie that Beverly will probably see through in an instant. So he bites his bottom lip, hopes that that feeling of guilt and self-consciousness just comes across as nervousness, and he takes the gloves from the medic, pulling them on and heading inside.

They head inside, and Cisco pulls a flashlight from his vest, flicking it on and looking around the entryway. There's not much there: dust particles getting caught in stray beams of light, a few crates full of old papers and x-rays, and in the back of the room, a staircase leading up. Cisco moves over to it, looking over his shoulder to check that Beverly is following him as they go up to the main room. ]

This is it.

[ It looks just as Cisco had remembered it: one big room, with various old pieces of high-tech looking equipment, and rows of chairs that look like they would belong in a dentist's office. The thick layer of dust on the floor has been disturbed by two sets of footprints - Cisco's and Rey's. From the sight of it, there's really no indication that this was a place that had been involved in the outbreak of plague. Cisco clears his throat, shifting his weight from foot to foot. ]

It doesn't look like much...

[ He realizes right then that he should have come up with some sort of lie, some reason he could give Beverly that he'd known this place was a makeshift hospital. He'd been too specific, in his descriptions to her of how this place was used, and now there's here and there is no real evidence around to justify him knowing all that. ]

[Following his lead, she and the rest of the team slip on gloves as well. Honestly, Cisco is probably worrying too much about what Beverly might be reading into his actions: it's a reasonable enough precaution, given the situation.

Beverly circles some of the old crates with the tricorder and once it's confirmed there's nothing in there but documents, she waves at a fews of people to give them instructions. She leaves a couple of guards posted on the main floor, by the door and at the foot of the staircase, while a med tech starts prying open crates to see if there's any useful information to be had. The rest of the team follows Beverly and Cisco up the stairs.

The dust makes Beverly sneeze upon entering - which, weirdly enough, is an unusual experience for her. With the common cold cured long ago and with living on a ship with highly filtered air, Beverly rarely has to sneeze and she looks kind of surprised about it for a brief moment.]

Excuse me!

[Despite the dust, she walks over to the nearest piece of equipment and starts to examine it.]

Have you tried to boot any of these devices up?

Bless you.

[ Cisco, far more accustomed to sneezing than Beverly, tosses off the response automatically. He doesn't notice her surprise over the experience, however; his eyes are fixed on the rows of chairs. He swallows, remembering the vision. How they had looked when they were filled with people dying, in very not-pretty ways. ]

What? Oh. No, we didn't. Once I realized what this place was, we left right away. We didn't touch the equipment.

[ He stands a little out of the way; he'd been here to guide Beverly and her team, and to answer any questions he could, but this part of the mission isn't something he can help with. He understands tech, but he's not a doctor. He doesn't know what he should and shouldn't touch.

When he'd been putting on those gloves, Cisco had been making an assumption - that if he kept himself from touching anything, especially with his bare hands, that he wouldn't vibe. But, as it turns out, that conclusion was incorrect. As he takes a few steps back, Cisco feels a familiar dropping in his stomach, and once that happens, there's no stopping it. From the outside, it will appear that he has merely gone still, staring off into the middle distance, not hearing or seeing anything around him. ]

[For a moment, Beverly doesn't notice, distracted as she is by the machines and directing the rest of the team in getting things cleaned off and a record of their findings started. But (and she means this in the most loving way possible) when Cisco falls completely silent, that worries her and she turns back to face him.]

Cisco!

[Gently, she lays a hand on his arm.]

Cisco, can you hear me?

[When he doesn't move or respond, she turns to another doctor.]

Looks like it could be an epileptic seizure...

[She sounds uncertain though. Did Cisco have epilepsy? He never mentioned it but then why would he? There was no occasion for it before and she's not his regular doctor. The other doctor nods - it's the best guess. "I'll start timing it," they say. Everyone else clears a space around him, in case he collapses.]

[ The vibe only lasts around 30 or 40 seconds. In it, Cisco looks around and sees the doctors and nurses evacuating the facility. There are the sounds of commotion coming from outside, and everyone is rushing around in a hurry. ]

Where's the fire?

[ He watches as one of the doctors opens the door to something that looks like a mini-fridge, except that it doesn't seem to be plugged in anywhere, and there's a strange glow coming from the inside. Magic? Cisco can't tell. All he sees is the doctor shoving in a rack of vials - samples of something? - and slamming it shut, then pulling a canvas over the whole thing. Then he stacks some random items on top, trying to hide the thing and whatever was in it. ]

What are you up to?

[ Cisco looks around the room for clues, notices with a lurch of his stomach that some of the people coming and going aren't taking equipment - they're removing large, heavy bags that are stacked near to the stairs. Body bags. Before Cisco can even properly wrap his head around that, the vision is flickering around him, the tinted blue fading out as the lights and colors and sounds of the present come back. Only they come back a bit different than before. Beverly is closer, her face on him, worried and intent. The faces of all the medics are on him, watching, expectant.

Cisco is all too aware of his own thin, panicked breathing, of the fact that they must have noticed something wrong with him. There's no pretending he had just zoned out. This has clearly gone way beyond that. How long had he been out? What had he missed.

He looks to Beverly, eyes round. Makes a split-second decision not to try to hide it with smiles and jokes, but instead just gasps out: ]

I'm fine. It's all good.

[A small sigh of relief escapes her when Cisco starts to move, though her eyes are still full of concern.]

Has this happened before?

[ This is a double serving of bad with extra bad sauce on the side. Cisco has never been a good liar, and he is particularly bad at it when he's put on the spot. His mouth has gone dry all of a sudden and he can't seem to catch his breath. Unhelpfully, his eyes are drawn to the spot over by the stairs where that pile of bodies was, and he feels a swell of nausea that thankfully he manages to swallow back. ]

It's... under control.

[ The words come out clipped, defensive. He'd thought it was under control. He'd thought that if he didn't touch anything, he wouldn't vibe. But he'd been wrong, hadn't he, and now Beverly is staring at him. Cisco has to resist the urge to just run right out of the room, telling himself that he's in the middle of the Abandoned City, that there was no place to go and it was a long journey back home, especially on foot.

He crosses his arms over his chest, doing his best to look calm and composed and not as if his knees are trembling. It's been a while, since a vibe caught him off guard like that. He'd forgotten how scary it could be. ]

Edited 2017-12-20 03:10 (UTC)

[Frowning, Beverly gets the sense that maybe it would be best to talk about this more one on one, so she tells the others to keep working, then motions for Cisco to follow out into the corridor.]

Let's talk outside.

[Her tone is polite but firm - she's not going to let this go, especially not out here. If a member of the team is in trouble, she needs to know. More than that, she considers Cisco a friend: a friend who could use some support right now.]

[ There's no saying no to that; not when Beverly is using what Cisco can only assume is her Doctor Voice. It was something that Caitlin did, too. Cisco could hear the way her tone shifted, when she was talking to him not only as his best friend, but also as a medical professional who was not going to tolerate being argued with.

So Cisco follows her, grateful to no longer have the attention of those strangers focused on him, but worried about the impending conversation. His brain is spinning out dozens of possibilities at once. What would be riskier - telling Beverly the truth, or lying? She clearly hadn't been buying it, so far. Cisco really, really wishes he were better at deceiving people. It had been easy enough, back home, for a while. Barry and Caitlin and even Joe were so caught up in their own lives that they didn't much notice when Cisco acted very strangely. But there'd been no hiding it from Stein.

In the end, wise or not, Cisco's so nervous and keyed-up that he ends up babbling, very unconvincingly: ]

Listen I'm just a really spaced out dude you know and sometimes I get super wrapped up in my thoughts and start daydreaming. [ A nervous, nervous laugh, as he tucks his hair behind his ears and twists his hands together, not even quite realizing he's doing it. ] And I don't always notice when somebody's talking to me but that's totally normal so it's nothing to worry about so we didn't even really need to come out here 'cause I'm just fine and everything's fine.

Edited 2017-12-22 06:58 (UTC)

[He chose the riskier path by far - Beverly does not like being lied to, especially so baldly. She crosses her arms and fixes him with a penetrating stare. No, you're not getting out of this so easily. Her voice hardens considerably when she speaks again.]

Don't insult my intelligence, Cisco. That was no daydream and we both know it - and so does everyone else in that room. [You can't hide from a pack of doctors and medics.] Now I respect that you need your privacy, which is why I brought you out here, but we are in dangerous territory, miles from help, and if a member of my team is in trouble, I need to know.

So, let's try this again.

[ Even before he finishes speaking he can tell he's made the wrong call. Beverly looks deeply unconvinced - he must have been out a long time, or else they had noticed right away, or perhaps both. When he hears the steeliness in Beverly's voice, Cisco's shoulders slump. He knows, then. He's going to have to tell her. He doesn't have another story ready - not one that would make all this go away.

His voice is much quieter when he speaks again. ]

I'm not in trouble. That part wasn't a lie. There really isn't any reason to worry.

[ He sighs, running his hands over his face. No point in pretending to be fine, now. His legs are still shaking badly, so he drops down, sitting on the edge of a crate. ]

It wasn't a seizure or anything. I know that's what it looks like, but... I was having a vision.

[ The story is more far-fetched sounding, perhaps, than saying he was daydreaming, but there's no doubting the sincerity in his voice as he says it. The words come out heavy, with a ring of truth about them. ]

That's how I knew what this building was in the first place. I had a vision, of during the plague, when I came with Rey. And... another one, just now. Usually, I only see stuff when I'm touching something, but that place is just... potent, I guess. I couldn't stop it.

Edited 2017-12-22 17:00 (UTC)

[It's not so far-fetched, not for her. She's encountered much stranger, much more unbelievable things. At least now she can understand why he tried to lie and why he was so nervous. It calms her ire considerably.]

Oh, Cisco. (Her gaze softens.) I'm sorry. To see something like that...

[She doesn't have to imagine how he felt. She knows.]

It's horrible.

It was-

[ The details are so fresh in Cisco's mind that he almost babbles them out. The sheer suffering he'd seen, in the first vision. That awful pile of body bags, in the second. But he remembers their conversation in the jeep on the way out here, and he sees the look of understanding on Beverly's face, and he stops. He doesn't have to tell her what it was like. She knows.

So instead Cisco just swallows, shoves his hands into his pockets and says: ]

I'm sorry I lied. I wasn't- I didn't mean to insult your intelligence, and it wasn't because I don't trust you, I just...

[ He almost says I just hate this and don't want anyone to know about it. But he stops himself. He really is putting in an effort, to think and speak about his powers differently. It's much easier some days than it is on others. Today it is very hard. But he corrects to: ]

...I've been hiding this, what I am, for almost a year now. Recently I've been trying to be more open about it, but when I get scared it's just force of habit to deny it.

Edited 2017-12-24 20:14 (UTC)

[open] try to tell the difference

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