riverviewlogs | [semi-open] tell me why my love has got a gun aimed at my heart

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[semi-open] tell me why my love has got a gun aimed at my heart

who: eddie thawne; any cr who'd want to visit him in the hospital
what: Eddie got stabbed in the heart during the Butterfly Effect event, and he's in recovery. This is a log for anyone who wants to hang out with him in the hospital.
when: Backdated to during the Butterfly Effect event.
where: Hospital; maybe his apartment
warnings: Mild trauma, probable discussion of violence, death, kidnapping, etc.

[Starters are in the comments below. Please feel free to toss one my way if your character would see him in the hospital!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

✪ ii. closed to cisco

[It doesn't escape Eddie's notice that Cisco is making sure he's not left alone in the hospital for too long, and it is definitely, definitely appreciated. Mostly because this hospital visit is dragging on way too long, in Eddie's opinion. With all the technology, he'd assumed things would be easier to deal with here than back home. That he should heal from this pretty quickly.

But he just keeps being told he has to stay another day. That the wound is still healing, that if he moves too much it's going to tear the barely-healed injuries to the muscle of his heart. That, considering how recently he'd been healed from a gunshot wound to the same area, it would probably result in immediate death if that happened. And that's terrifying, enough to keep him still, the idea of losing this second chance.

Terrifying enough that it's almost unbearable when he's alone here, and so Cisco's warm smiles and cheerful attitude are more than welcome.

For now, he's finished doing a bit of the paperwork Cisco brought him from work, and he's settled in to rest with Cisco chattering at him about one of the dumb reality TV shows that both he and Yuri shame-watch on a pretty regular basis. It's nice, having someone here to chatter at him and fill up all the empty space.]

[ Cisco hasn't forgotten what Eddie had said, after their misadventure in the woods, about how scared and lonely he'd been in the hospital when he first arrived here. He'd remembered, and taken it to heart, which is why he's been haunting Eddie's hospital room for as many hours as the nurse will let him. He always finds excuses to be there - bringing Eddie paperwork, stopping by to ask him this or that question, returning a pen that he'd forgotten in Cisco's lab once. Not that he really needs an excuse, of course, but the both of them pretend to buy it.

Cisco has been keeping up that kind of pretending for a few days, now. He hadn't been there in the initial aftermath and by the time he could get in to see Eddie and Eddie was awake, he'd been stabilized. And he'd just jumped right in, all breeziness and jokes and fast, shallow, friendly talk.

He's kept it up until today, but something is different today. Eddie's wounds must be healing, but they're clearly hurting him a little. As the two of them sat together - Cisco reading a thick tome of a fantasy book, Eddie working on his paperwork - Cisco saw Eddie wince once or twice, and reach up once to rub a hand very lightly over the area just above the wound.

Cisco doesn't really get why it bothers him so much. He doesn't consciously make the connection to his own death - that had been a hand, not a knife, but even so. All he knows is that all the stress and fear that he'd kept in a nice neat container since he heard the panic alarm go off is starting to leak out the edges.

So when he's summarizing the latest events of that godawful show Eddie likes, and he sees Eddie wince again and rub a hand against his chest, Cisco stops dead. ]

Does it hurt a lot?

[ It's the first time since Eddie got here that Cisco has directly mentioned his injury. ]

[It isn't that Eddie doesn't know why Cisco is making every excuse in the book to come stop by the hospital room - he remembers the conversation they had after the attack in the woods, and while he could probably be embarrassed or ashamed about it, the truth is, he isn't. In fact, he's grateful, every time Cisco breezes through the door with jokes and friendly chatter and keeping him up to date on everything that's been going on around Riverview. The fact that Cisco paid attention to his fears, took them seriously, and is now making an effort to alleviate them, taking large swaths of time out of his schedule to hang around Eddie's hospital room and talk to him about whatever comes to mind so he doesn't get lonely, doesn't have too much time to think? It means the world to him.

So far, all the conversation has been relaxed, no pressure, just joking and light casual gossip, and Eddie doesn't really expect much different today, despite the fact that he's been getting a few twinges in the muscle and bone of his chest as the flesh starts to really knit together. It's the third or fourth time he's rubbed at it in an attempt to soothe the pain that Cisco abruptly asks if it hurts a lot.

Licking his lips, Eddie lifts his head, looks at Cisco, then exhales in a huff.]

Yeah, sort of. It's not a sharp pain, like when it happened. More of a deep sort of...twinge, I guess? The nurses told me it's because the muscle is starting to knit back together.

[ Cisco nods; he wouldn't have believed Eddie, anyway, if he'd said it barely hurt. It's good that Eddie is healing, that he is here with knowledgeable nurses to take care of him. Cisco thinks he should pick up the thread of conversation, go back to saying whatever he'd been saying. But he's completely forgotten, and now all he can seem to think about is Eddie getting stabbed in the chest. How much it must have hurt. How scared he must have been - how scared Cisco had been when he activated that panic button. How close of a call it was. How Eddie must be getting really used to the ICU.

The whole reason he is here is to cheer Eddie up. He shouldn't ruin that by talking to him about anything too heavy. So he tries to keep it positive. When he speaks next his words are artificially light and conversational, in a way that is just... way too transparent. ]

I hope they at least put you on the good shit, while you're healing. No reason to be in any more pain than you gotta.

[ Cisco is working hard to keep his posture straight and his face neutral and his voice normal that he doesn't notice he's holding onto the edge of the hospital chair so tightly that his knuckles are completely white. ]

So... so anyway in the elimination round... In the- Or, um, did I tell you that bit already? Jessica was... no, hold on, she got kicked off the week before. Right? I'm getting the order mixed up. Uh. Lemme think...

[ He falls silent again, because at this point it's just insulting to Eddie to pretend he won't have noticed something's up. Doesn't take a hotshot detective to be able to tell Cisco's distracted and upset. Cisco chews at the inside of his bottom lip. ]

We should get you one of those little cards like at Jitters where every ten visits you get a free coffee, only it's for here.

[ A joke which, coupled with his averted gaze and the way Cisco's voice has gone a bit rough with the emotion he's trying to keep down, translates to you keep getting hurt and it's not funny at all. ]

[Eddie's been trying his hardest not to think about that. About how afraid he'd been or how much it had hurt, how sure he'd been that he was going to die, again, that he was going to lose this life he's just started getting really attached to. The people who he's only met or just started to get to know. Taako. Yuri. Cisco. Even John, because Eddie had been more than aware that the person who was hurting him was not the John that he knows.

But it's not easy not to think about it, honestly. It's harder to drag his mind away from it and focus on the fun easy things that Cisco talks about than it is to lie here and ruminate. When Cisco starts faltering, his voice hesitant, his tone overly light, overly casual in a way that suggests he's really struggling with the fun distractions, struggling not to overthink. When Cisco, overly-perky, mentions the drugs, Eddie winces and then shakes his head, laughing.]

Seriously. I'm kinda tired of the drugs, honestly. They make me say the stupidest things, and I'm just...perpetually disoriented, you know? When I first woke up and Taako was here, I asked for Iris. I still feel bad about that...

[His voice trails off, and he tries to listen to Cisco talking about the show, tries to follow, but he can't drag his eyes away from the carefully neutral set of Cisco's mouth, the way his knuckles go white as he clings to the edge of the bed. The tension is written all over him, and even if Eddie hadn't been starting to know him well enough to tell when he's struggling with his demons, he'd be able to tell from how his voice falters and he loses track of what he's saying, talking about the show. It's a relief when Cisco trails off, non-verbally admits that he's not really focused on the talk about a stupid show.

Eddie can't blame him.

And when Cisco finally says that they should get some kind of stamp card for the ER, Eddie laughs, abruptly, without much humor.]

Yeah, I...it's kinda getting to be a habit, you know?

[ Cisco sucks in a sharp breath when Eddie tells him about asking for Iris, wincing aloud in sympathy. That's... unfortunate. Cisco wants to say something comforting - that it probably didn't matter too much, that maybe Taako didn't really mind. But he doesn't want to lie to Eddie, either. And he knows, from the fact that Taako had asked him about Iris, that Eddie doesn't talk about her a whole lot, and it's maybe a bit of a sore spot for the two of them.

In the end, he settles on: ]

It's understandable, man. You were way out of it.

[ No point in feeling bad; what was done was done, and when Eddie had come so close to dying, worrying about something like that seems trivial.

Normally, if he could get Eddie to laugh, Cisco would feel a lift in his own spirits. But there's nothing uplifting about this kind of dark humor, for either of them. Cisco thinks about making another joke - frequent flier miles, something like that - but he can't bring himself to. Instead, thinking about the last time they were here, Cisco manages to let go of the chair, reaching out to take Eddie's hand between his. Swallowing, Cisco says, with just a little of that false lightness again: ]

Hey, Eddie, can you do me a solid? [ He rubs his thumb along the back of Eddie's hand, not meeting his eyes as he goes on: ] I'm gonna really need you to not die, okay?

[Eddie hears it, the way Cisco sucks in breath through his teeth in an audible wince when he mentions how he'd asked for Iris, and he wrinkles his nose in discomfort. Honestly, it had been horrific, that moment of waking up, disoriented and confused and dizzy, thinking he was back in STAR Labs in Central City, dying, everything ending, everything stopping, the warm darkness rushing up to greet him, and Iris' face...

Swallowing hard, he squeezes his eyes shut and then exhales softly.]

It's still not fair to him. I mean, I was with her for a long time, but the fact that my head went there, you know...? And I've been with Taako for at least a couple months now, I feel like...I guess like my mind should be going to him. Not Iris.

[Usually, it would be hard for Eddie to talk about this, to be so open, but somehow it feels a lot easier with some drugs in his system and Cisco reaching out to take his hand again. Cisco's voice is light, but it's artificial, fake, like Splenda or something, as he asks if he can do him a solid.

The second half of that sentence, spoken with Cisco's warm skin gently rubbing against the back of his hand, fingers curled around his, is hard to digest, makes his throat tighten and his stomach clench. Avoiding eye contact, he swallows, tries to laugh but can't get it out through his throat. For a moment, he gets an almost crippling wave of some kind of negative emotion he can't even really process, and he speaks before he even thinks.]

Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I just...should have stayed dead, after what happened at home, you know? This place has tried to kill me twice. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be alive.

Edited 2017-07-04 19:36 (UTC)

[ He can tell that his faint reassurance had little effect, from the way Eddie closes his eyes, shuts himself off for the conversation for a moment. He's in pain, Cisco can tell, but it's an entirely different kind of pain than the one in his chest. It's not one the nurses are going to be able to help with. Which just leaves Cisco, and he doesn't know if it's one he can help with, either. But that doesn't mean he isn't gonna try. ]

I mean- I mean, I think you're not being fair to yourself, either. You've got every right to miss her. You were probably thinking you were back in Central City, right? And besides, your thing with Taako's different.

[ He introduces this last point as something Eddie already knows, as if he's just bringing up an established fact they're both aware of. Taako had told Cisco that he and Eddie were keeping things casual, and he assumes that's a firm understanding between them.

Cisco didn't expect Eddie to laugh at his request, but he didn't anticipate this, either. Eddie just sounds so... hopeless. Like this is something he's been holding in for a long time, this feeling like he ought to be dead. But Cisco is not having it. ]

No. Uh-uh, absolutely not. Don't you talk like that, don't think like that. I don't believe in signs, and anyway if- if it was a sign, it'd be a sign you're supposed to be alive. How many people do you know who've been shot, and then shot themselves, and been mauled by Godzilla's ugly nephew, and then gotten stabbed in the heart, and lived? It's... it's totally statistically improbable. Which means you're super duper supposed to be alive.

[It's all abruptly complicated in his head, the feelings about waking up after being shot, waking up after being stabbed, seeing Taako instead of Iris and all the baggage that comes with that. And everything hurts. Eddie is silent for a few moments, holding Cisco's hand and wondering when everything is going to stop hurting so much. He's so tired of hurting, he just wants everything to go back to normal.

And then Cisco says 'your thing with Taako's different' and Eddie's eyes flick open. At first, it seems natural, he almost brushes it off - of course his thing with Taako's different. Taako's a guy. He doesn't expect to be proposing to him anytime soon. They don't live together. But a moment later, it clicks that those things are probably not what Cisco was talking about.]

What do you mean by different?

[His voice is soft, and he looks up at Cisco's face. And of course he heard the rest of it. That Cisco thinks he is supposed to be alive, that Cisco doesn't want him to die, that Cisco doesn't want him to think or talk like that. But there's too much emotional impact there to respond to right away. He can't focus on it, he can't think about it. It's going to take a few moments before he can put the gratitude and fear and disbelief and gut-wrenching emptiness, and something else he can't identify into words that he can communicate to Cisco.]

[ Oh, no, this isn't where he had meant for this conversation to go at all. He'd assumed that they were both on the same page, which was why he'd felt confident enough to butt in and talk about it, in an effort to try to make Eddie feel better. But now he's on the spot and Cisco feels like he's wedged between a rock and a hard place. How to put this so he doesn't sound like he's speaking poorly of either Eddie's relationship with Iris or his current one with Taako? ]

I just meant- I mean, I thought you guys were keeping things kinda casual? Like, no big plans, no big labels, that sort of deal? 'Cause you're from different worlds, and he's an elf and you're a human and there's the aging thing or whatever?

[ That was the impression that Taako had given him, anyway. He'd just assumed those cards were fully on the table for Eddie, too. When Taako had brought up the fact that getting attached to humans romantically is problematic for him, Cisco had felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. Now, though, he feels like he's really waded into something that's not his business, and there's no good way out. ]

[It isn't that Eddie doesn't know that he and Taako are pretty casual for now. Honestly, they've never really had an upfront conversation about what they are, but Eddie is pretty confident they're at least exclusive. The lack of label has been pretty okay, honestly, almost a little bit of a relief, after Iris. Or...at least that's what he'd thought until the moment Cisco says that they're keeping things casual, no big labels, and mentioned the different worlds, different species bit.

It's always been there, in the back of Eddie's mind, that niggling suspicion that he and Taako have different expectations in this relationship. That they're going around both kind of assuming that the relationship is what they want without checking in with each other to make sure they're on the same page. And hearing that from Cisco, so casually, that it's nothing, no labels, no plans, and the mention of an aging thing...suddenly it really hits home what Taako is thinking, saying, about this relationship, and that what he's thinking and saying isn't the same as what Eddie has been emotionally investing, even if just to himself. It hits home that he wants something like he had with Iris, something stable and committed, that the whole flings-and-friends-with-benefits thing is leaving him feeling a little empty, and he wants more. That he'd thought he and Taako had something a little more than what Cisco just made it sound like.

For a moment, he's quiet, staring down at his own feet under the blanket.]

Yeah, I guess you're right. We've never really talked about it, so I know I shouldn't assume too much. I guess I was just sorta...assuming he and I meant the same thing. And... [A pause, and he glances up at Cisco, still holding his hand.] The aging thing?

[That part, he doesn't get. Eddie knows very little about fantasy tropes, and he's never really asked Taako about what makes an elf different than a human.]

[ This is going from bad to worse, and Cisco doesn't know how to stop the momentum. Normally, if this were a conversation anywhere else, he'd find some excuse to run off - an appointment he forgot, an experiment that needed checking, whatever. But he isn't about to leave Eddie alone in this hospital, to stew and brood, just because he'd managed to stick his foot in his mouth completely.

So he sits there feeling guilty and awkward and uncertain, as Eddie's shoulders slump and he looks thoroughly low-spirited. Which was the opposite of what Cisco had been trying to do. He'd wanted to make Eddie feel less bad for asking for the wrong person. But good intentions had led him down a pretty shitty path.

Cisco doesn't respond at first, torn between shutting the conversation down and thinking that Eddie deserves a response. After a moment of awkward silence, he sighs shortly, and says: ]

Okay, I didn't- I- this conversation has taken a turn that I really didn't mean it to and now I feel like I should've stayed in my lane 'cause all this is none of my business.

[ But the fact that Eddie doesn't even know what he'd been referring to is a pretty bad sign. If he and Taako haven't talked about this by now... well, he deserves to know, and Cisco wouldn't be a very good friend at all if he refused to tell him. ]

Well... he's an elf, right? They don't age at the same rate humans do. Like, at all. He's like 200 years old or whatever, and when he's 250 he'll probably look almost exactly the same, but you and me will be, like, old dudes. With walkers and shit.

[ There's just no way of sugar-coating that. ]

[It's almost a good thing they're stuck here, then, because if Cisco were to run off just now, in the middle of this conversation, Eddie would probably be a little devastated, even if he didn't show it. Considering he's in the hospital, in pain, and disoriented on drugs means it's hitting him a lot harder than it would normally - he's already compromised, already struggling, and now this on top of it? It's a lot.

But he doesn't consider any of that Cisco's fault. This is...honestly probably things he should have known. Things he should have talked to Taako about a long time ago. Unfortunately, Eddie is fully aware that he likes to live in denial, likes to put things off as long as possible, but that doesn't mean that he actually does anything about it. And now it's biting him in the ass yet again.

Tilting his head back, he closes his eyes and sighs, sounding more exhausted than anything else as Cisco explains that it's none of his business and why Taako being an elf means there's no future in this relationship. After Cisco finishes speaking, Eddie's quiet for a moment, then opens his eyes.]

It's fine, Cisco. It's not your fault I'm apparently really bad at talking to people about important things when it's scary. I know what you meant to say, and I really appreciate it. I just...I guess I missed the memo about elves aging differently than humans. I never read or watched Ring Lord or whatever that big fantasy thing was.

[He licks his lips, and shakes his head, swallowing hard.]

And seriously, I cannot believe I'm in a situation where I'm kicking myself for not getting relationship advice from a fantasy novel the size of a cement block. God.

Edited 2017-07-06 03:40 (UTC)

[ Cisco huffs a tiny laugh when Eddie says he's bad at taking to people about important things when it's scary. Eddie might be the one feeling the effects of that tendency, right now, but Cisco has been there before. Plenty of times. How long had it taken him to confess to Caitlin about the guilt he felt over Ronnie's supposed death in the pipeline? How many weeks had he put off mentioning the fact that he was getting distressing visions of being murdered, just because he didn't know how to bring it up? ]

First of all, when you're outta this hospital, we're marathoning those movies. The extended editions, and that's non-negotiable. And second...

[ He hesitates, struck once more with an awareness of how much impact his words might have. Why could things never just be simple? Had things been simple between Eddie and Taako before, and now Cisco had come in with his big fat mouth, and crossed the streams? Swallowing, he picks up the sentence once more: ]

...second, you shouldn't be getting relationship advice from me or from any fantasy novels. Fiction makes everything look way simpler than it actually is, and as for me... it's not like I'm some sort of expert on romance. I mean, obviously. The last person I sorta went on a date with turned out to be Lisa freakin' Snart and I ended up getting held hostage for a weekend, so y'know, pretty sure that of the two of us, your instincts are way the hell better.

[ Cisco adds the part about Lisa to be self-deprecating, to maybe coax a smile to Eddie's face. But that last bit, about Eddie trusting his instincts, he means in all seriousness. One thing Cisco had definitely picked up in this months of consulting for the CCPD was just how many cops had a lot of faith in their own intuition, and just how often that proved to be a good call. Eddie might not have known that elves age slower, but he knows more about Taako and his relationship with Taako than Cisco does.

He should probably not say anything more about this, considering the damage he might have already done. But Cisco is feeling guilty in the extreme so he adds, in a rush: ]

And anyway, Taako said his sister had a human boyfriend, so it's not, like, impossible.

[ He doesn't want Eddie thinking that the whole situation is completely hopeless, that there aren't ways to make it work. ]

Edited 2017-07-06 03:56 (UTC)

[The truth is, sometimes Eddie gets caught up in his own head, either with denial, like in this case with Taako, denial that things might not be exactly the way he wants them to be; or he gets caught up in trying to figure out the perfect way to say things. The perfect wording. And he spends so long trying to make everything perfect that he talks himself out of saying anything at all. It's a problem that he's aware of, something he struggles with, but also something he can't quite ever figure his way out of.

Sighing more at his own stupidity than anything else, he closes his eyes for a moment, makes a hum of agreement in his throat when Cisco says that they're watching those movies together later on - he'd expected that, and doesn't mind...in fact, it's kind of nice to have someone want to educate him on all that stuff - and then goes on to say that he shouldn't be getting relationship advice from Cisco or novels, either one.

Opening his eyes, Eddie watches Cisco while he explains why. Fiction makes things look easy, and that's definitely one that Eddie knows. The rest of it...he hadn't known. His eyes go a little wide at the mention of Lisa Snart, and even moreso at the mention of getting held hostage.]

What? You went on a date with Lisa Snart and got held hostage? I didn't know about that! What happened?

[The rest of his thoughts and concerns go out the window when he discovers that maybe he should be concerned for Cisco instead. It's easier to be worried about Cisco than it is to think too much about his own problems. When Cisco mentions that Taako said his sister had a human boyfriend, he sighs again, and pushes the issue aside, mentally.]

Well. If Lup can do it...maybe we can make it work. I just need to figure out how to talk to him about it, you know?

[Licking his lips, he shakes his head.]

My life is a mess.

[ CIsco blinks a few times, surprised into silence for a moment. ]

Seriously? I thought...

[ He'd assumed that Eddie knew about that - at least the hostage bit, if not the fact that it had started with Lisa Snart luring him in. After all, Eddie always knew it was Cisco who had made the heat and cold guns. Cisco had just assumed that the CCPD knew they coerced him into making replacements. Or, well, at the very least, Barry had told Eddie about being the Flash pretty soon after that.

But apparently it hadn't been worth a mention, which is... a whole other thing he's not going to think about right now. Cisco hadn't realized that by giving that example he was signing himself on to explain the whole thing. But it's no matter: at least it might distract Eddie a bit from his own romantic troubles. ]

...nevermind. Doesn't matter. You remember back when that casino got robbed? It was around then. And it wasn't technically a date, really. I was at a bar with Barry and she walked up and I didn't know who she was, obviously. She pretended to be into me so I'd follow her back to where Snart and Rory were waiting, 'cause they wanted me to build them new guns.

[ Cisco gives a little shrug, thinks that he could leave it there. It's not something he likes thinking about all that much, and he likes talking about it even less. But... this is Eddie. Who is so brave, and courageous, and who would never even consider giving in to two criminal's demands, if he were a prisoner. Cisco doesn't want Eddie thinking he's a coward, any more than he already does. So, in a rush, he adds: ]

And I wouldn't've done it but they had my brother, too, so.

[ He finishes with a shrug, looking down at his hands in his lap. It isn't the whole story, of course, but it's plenty of it for the time being. Enough to make it clear that Cisco's bad judgment is not to be trusted, and that Eddie shouldn't be looking to him for any kind of wisdom in the field of romance.

Which is why he hesitates when Eddie says he doesn't know how to talk to Taako about it. He's already demonstrated that when he tries to make things better, he usually just makes them worse. He definitely shouldn't interfere any further. So his response is less practical tips and just a simple: ]

I'm sure you'll figure out a way.

[ And Cisco finally lifts his gaze again when Eddie says his life is a mess. ]

Hey, c'mon, now that's just a lie. Your life is the opposite of a mess. It's... neat. Or together. Or something like that.

[Almost immediately, Eddie's mouth purses a little bit and he glances away from Cisco - of course he remembers that casino being robbed, because that had also been the day that Barry tried to get with Iris, hit on her blatantly, made her uncomfortable, stirred up the anxious pit of half-formed insecurity that had already been brewing for a while. Remembering that day makes him feel distinctly uncomfortable again, and it takes a few moments to work out why.

That had been the day Barry went back in time and corrected. The day that Cisco had died, and then afterward, they'd set the trap. For a moment, he's quiet, slowly piecing over the things he remembers, and realizes why there's that discomfort - for Barry to have hit on Iris so hard, there had to have been something in that alternate timeline that made him think she'd go for it. As much as he'd bought it at the time, after a bit of thought, the whole 'lightning psychosis' thing is pretty ridiculous, especially in retrospect, when he knows exactly why Barry had been acting so weird.

For a moment, he's really angry again, like when he'd punched Barry in the face at the casino. But that fades away when he remembers that yeah, he had heard about Cisco being kidnapped and the new guns - he just hadn't thought about that day in a long time because it had been, frankly, a really upsetting day for him too. Not nearly as much as Cisco though, apparently.]

Oh my god. I'm sorry that happened to you. Especially that way. That's really underhanded, honestly, and...your brother too. Wow.

[The empathy is genuine - even if Cisco noticed the way he hesitated and looked consumed with his own thoughts, the concern and care is genuine when he responds. When Cisco mentions Taako again, he sighs, tilts his head back.]

Yeah. It's just...complicated. Taako isn't exactly the talking type, you know? Not really open about his feelings or anything, and even when he is, it's usually only over text. Which...I dunno. It makes things hard.

[Licking his lips, he glances over at Cisco, and laughs softly.]

You've got to be kidding me. It's almost as much of a mess here as it was back in Central City.

[ Cisco can tell that means something to Eddie, which stirs up a little curiosity in him. Was Eddie one of the ones who responded to the casino robbery? Cisco thinks he must have been, but he doesn't actually know any of the details. He'd been a little preoccupied, and after it was over, he just wanted to forget any of that had ever happened. A part of him wonders if maybe it's not anything to do with Snart and Rory, but rather with the fact that Eddie himself had been held hostage, once. For a significantly longer time, by someone a whole lot less friendly (which was saying something).

He doesn't know how to ask; he just watches Eddie go quiet, retreat into himself for a moment before he responds. And once he does, Cisco shrugs it off, quite literally. The roll of his shoulders is a little stiffer than usual, but he's more than happy to let the subject matter die for the time being. Maybe someday he would tell Eddie the rest. How humiliating it had been, realizing he'd been right in the first place and no way could someone like Lisa Snart actually be interested in someone like him. How Dante had criticized and complained and made trouble the whole time. How terrified Cisco had been when Snart frozen Dante's hands, and how full of hatred at himself after he'd given up Barry's identity.

But they're already in this awful place, and he's trying to distract Eddie from awful things. ]

I get that. I mean... it's not the same, 'cause we're not dating and obviously that makes stuff twice as hard, but Caitlin is the same way. Practically need a crowbar to get her to admit when she's feeling a little blue, even though I'm her best friend.

[ Cisco sits back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest, a touch of sass coming into his voice as he asks, lightly: ]

Okay, how is your life a mess? For real, though, paint me a picture. 'Cause where I'm sitting, I don't see it.

[There are a lot of things Eddie's not saying about his realizations, because right now he'd rather be thinking about Cisco's problems than his own, especially when those problems are pointless because they're related to Iris, and Barry, and neither of them are here. There's no use even thinking about it because that relationship is over and Eddie's in a new one, and he's never going back to Central City anyway.

But it does bother him. It hurts. That squirming, painful, humiliating feeling of being the one that doesn't get chosen, the one that isn't wanted.

Ignoring that is for the best. Thinking about how he and Cisco both have uncomfortable histories with being kidnapped and held hostage is somehow easier than thinking about what might have happened in that alternate timeline that made Barry so confident that he'd basically ask Iris out while she was still in a relationship with Eddie. Even talking about Taako is a little easier than that.]

I get that. I feel like Taako just sort of makes jokes and acts like he's tough all the time. I wonder if there's anyone he opens up to.

[Tilting his head back, Eddie just gives up. Lets the feelings about Iris merge with his fears about his relationship with Taako, lets them wash over him and make his throat tighten a little, and when Cisco asks how his life is a mess. Eddie makes a sharp humourless laugh.]

Well, for one thing, I'm dead and can't go home. I don't have any close friends here besides you, and I'm terrible at making them. I'm in the hospital after being stabbed in the heart by a guy I considered a mentor. [A second after he says that, he winces, because he knows that's probably going to hit a little close to home for Cisco, and barrels forward with an easier topic to focus on.] I just found out that my boyfriend probably doesn't think we have a future. Which, okay, I thought I was okay with when we went into this thing, but it's making me really, really sad right now. Especially since I think I just realized that Iris probably alternate-timeline cheated on me with Barry that one time, and I'm not even surprised. I'm just...

[He bites his lip and stops, stares at the ceiling for a moment, eyes wet, trying to get control and not continue that sentence, because 'I'm tired of being everyone's second choice' sounds really, really high school.

After a few moments, he manages to choke out.]

You know.

[A vague wave of the hand that doesn't have the IV in it.]

[ Cisco feels a little twist of guilt, when Eddie says that about Taako. Because he's pretty sure Eddie is right, there, and that Taako doesn't really open up willingly to almost anyone. Cisco had gotten a glimpse under that joking armor of Taako's, when he'd had that vibe of Lup, and Taako had broken down crying out of nowhere. But that was different - Cisco's lack of control over his own stupid invasive powers had forced that moment of honesty, and afterwards Taako had threatened to kill Cisco if he told anyone. He doesn't really think Taako would hurt him, but he is sure that he would get very, very, very mad. ]

Sounds about right.

[ He hadn't thought through that teasing question, and he sees how it's going to backfire a few seconds before it does. That dry little laugh from Eddie does not bode well, and then he starts listing all the reasons his life sucks. Cisco's not sure if it's going to be more harmful or helpful. Maybe it's better not to bottle it up, after all. Or maybe he's a fucking idiot who is encouraging Eddie to wallow when he ought to be doing the exact opposite.

Either way it's a little too late to back out, now. So he listens, quiet and still, except for when Eddie says the one who stabbed him was apparently not some random criminal but someone he looked up to. And... Cisco hadn't known that. He twists his hands together in his lap, fingers tightly interlaced. And it's somehow worse, seeing Eddie realize the parallel. But Cisco swallows and locks that shit down before any sort of feelings about it can fully surface. He's getting to be a pro at compartmentalizing. ]

Alternate-timeline cheated? You mean... are you talking about in the timeline Barry erased? The one where I bit it?

[ Why yes, he is using humor to make it easier to talk about that timeline, thanks very much. Cisco has a hard time imagining Iris outright cheating, but then... it wasn't as if there weren't moments where Barry was sabotaging her relationship with Eddie. As the Flash, as himself. And he knows things had been... messy. Right up until the end. ]

Okay, I'll give you that the stabbed-in-the-heart thing sucks. And we both know I know what I'm talking about, there.

[ See? It's funny. (It's not, really, but Cisco IS trying). ]

But I don't buy that you're bad at making friends. You're like, one of the nicest guys I've ever known. Even Yuri likes you, and I'm pretty sure that kid doesn't like anybody.

[ It's not like Cisco knows the Russian kid or anything, but meeting him once had told him all he needed to know about his particular brand of teenage misanthropy. It had only been the mention of Eddie that had gotten him to grudgingly behave like a decent human being, and that said a lot. ]

[The truth is, Eddie and Taako haven't had a lot of very emotionally open moments, forced or not. The closest had been over text, maybe when Taako got in that fight with Dodger and Eddie had picked him up at the clinic. He'd been a bit vulnerable, but still joking, and they hadn't really talked, just watched a movie.

He can't deal with that right now, though, so he pushes the thought away, forces it down. One thing at a time, and at least Iris is in the past.]

Yeah. I'm sorry. I just. You reminded me of when I punched Barry in the face at the casino after it was robbed. I made a big scene and felt like an idiot later because Caitlin convinced me it was some kind of lightning psychosis? I guess I only just connected the dots, you know? I know now it wasn't lightning psychosis. And I punched him for asking Iris to cheat on me with him, and just...the way she explained it, like he knew something she didn't about how she felt...

[A pause, and he sighs again.]

I put two and two together. Something must have happened in that alternate timeline that made her decide to choose him.

[A shrug, and then.]

Not like it matters, because I'm never going home. So they can be together, you know? I'll just do my best to be happy she's happy. And...and yeah, I know you know. I'm sorry for bringing it up, I know how much that memory upsets you.

[Almost without thinking, he drops his free hand on top of Cisco's and takes it again, squeezing gently.]

About friends, I don't know. People just never stick around. I do try to be nice, but at some point, the common denominator is me. I'm guessing it's leftover from high school.

[ Cisco listens, and much the same as how the pieces had fallen into place for Eddie, a few strange and unexplained things are now making more sense to him, too. He'd heard Caitlin joke now and then about lightning psychosis, but he'd never gotten her to explain what she meant by it. He'd assumed it was just an inside joke. They'd cooked up plenty of those, spending so much time together in S.T.A.R. Labs.

And he remembers Barry's certainty, after he broke up with Linda, that things were about to change between him and Iris. That was a detail that had gotten lost, overshadowed by everything that had come immediately after it. Cisco had completely forgotten it until just this moment. ]

I think you must be right. I wasn't really around for any of that, but... the way you're telling it, it definitely fits.

[ Not a particularly flattering moment, for Barry, to be sure. But Cisco also remembers Barry being so quick to hug him and forgive him, when he admitted to telling Snart his secret identity. How could Barry be such a hero, and so kind to his friends, and such a complete dick when it came to anything involving Iris? Cisco just doesn't get it.

He's pretty much avoided talking about the Iris and Barry and Eddie situation to Eddie thus far, but he thinks, if ever there was a moment, this is it. ]

It matters. Even if you're never going back to Central City. Stuff... has an impact, and things got pretty messed up between the three of you. I don't think it was anyone's fault, but I think maybe it was a little bit less your fault than both of theirs. I mean, I'm glad she and Barry hook up in the future or whatever, but you deserve to be happy, too.

[ Cisco looks down at Eddie's hand, on top of his. He seems to notice for the first time how tightly his fingers are woven together, that his nails are digging into the skin. He releases them deliberately, letting out a slow breath. And, well, Eddie's hand is right there. Might as well hold it. Nothing funny about that. It'll have to do, in lieu of acknowledging what Eddie said about the memory of Wells upsetting him. Because that shit is tightly locked up in the corner of his mind and he's not about to go messing with that containment system, thanks very much. ]

What d'you mean?

[ Cisco doesn't really know anything about Eddie's high school, or what it might have to do with people not sticking around. ]

[Everything about that day seems to becoming to both of them in a different light, and Eddie's feeling weirdly irritated about it, which is stupid, because it was so long ago, the situation is past. But then Cisco is abruptly saying that it does matter, even if he's never going back, because it has an impact, and things were really messed up with all of them.

It's almost a little startling, to hear someone acknowledge that, that it was messed up, that it wasn't his fault. That he deserves to be happy. For a moment, he's quiet, his gaze falls down to his own knees under the sheet, and he's aware of Cisco's eyes on him, the way Cisco's hand turns and he holds it. It's nice, to be connected, in a moment where they're both hurting for different but vaguely related reasons. For the first time in a long time, Eddie feels understood.]

They were messed up. After the thing with Eobard, the kidnapping...I broke it off with her. It wasn't because of them hooking up in the future, it was because it made me realize that she and Barry were closer than I was comfortable with. I ended up changing my mind but...I don't know why I thought that she would choose me in the end.

[A shrug, and then, when Cisco asks what he means, he lifts his chin and blinks a bit.]

Oh! I thought Barry would've told you. I had a really rough time in high school, so I never really learned how to have real friendships until pretty recently.

I mean... she did choose you.

[ Cisco knows, there's that erased timeline throwing a wrench in the works, and that it's a bit more complex than just that statement. But he doesn't want Eddie to forget it. That whatever might happen in the future, long after his death, that Iris had picked him when he'd been around. ]

But I think. As much as I love Iris, and as hard as you worked to make it work, I think... you deserve someone who would pick you, with no hesitations, and no regrets. Not just because you were with her first, but because of who you are. And Iris couldn't do that, because her and Barry are obsessed with each other, and they were before you even showed up, y'know? Ain't nobody could compete with that kind of history.

[ He hadn't known, that Eddie had broken things off with Iris so soon before his death. Things had been so chaotic, at that time. Cisco had been too wrapped up in everything that was falling apart in his own life to pay too much attention to anyone else's shit. ]

No, he didn't mention anything. And no shit? I would've pegged you as one of the medium-popular kids. You know, not class president or football star, but that dude everybody knew and liked pretty well and lowkey thirsted after in secret.

[ Okay, that was a little too far. Lucky for him, his cheeks don't show off a blush too obviously, and also Eddie's on pain medication. He's got plausible deniability for that. Right? It was just a compliment... ]

[Eddie makes a noise in his throat, like he's not sure she did, but he isn't sure how to phrase why he doesn't feel like she did. But then Cisco's explaining it for him in ways that make a lot more sense than what Eddie could have come up with, while being far more compassionate to him than Eddie generally is to himself.

Obsessed with each other. That's....pretty accurate.

Softly, he laughs, and shakes his head, throat feeling tight again, and he feels, abruptly, lonely - he should be with someone who would pick him with no hesitations, no regrets, because of who he is. That doesn't seem likely. Unbidden, Dodger's words at Bryn's party come back to him, that assumption that Taako is with him because he makes Taako look better by being boring. It's annoying, that that comes back, just like all the other cruel words he's heard, the moment he's feeling weak.

Eddie's still trying to figure out what to say to that when Cisco comments on how he perceived Eddie's time in high school. Abruptly, Eddie laughs, shaking his head.]

Are you kidding me? No. No one thirsted over me, ever. Seriously. I was a fat kid, and I didn't hit my growth spurt until just before graduation. Besides that, my dad's a politician, in Keystone, and he shut down a factory where everyone's parents worked. So, not exactly high-quality friend material, let alone dates.

[ Cisco is surprised when Eddie laughs at what he said. Was he really that far off?

Then Eddie is telling him, and it's like a puzzle piece falling into place. Several of them. Eddie's dad being a politician, well. Cisco had never really bothered to wonder what Eddie's parents did for a living, but that immediately seems right. From the sound of it, not exactly a pro-union sort of guy, which also fits; Eddie might be working as a cop, but there are certain tells, ways to see that he didn't come from quite the same social stratus as plenty of the other guys on the force.

As for him being fat, and not well liked, it isn't quite as easy to reconcile with the Eddie he knows. But Cisco thinks maybe it explains a certain shyness, a certain hesitancy, that he's noticed as they've gotten closer in this place. He just doesn't have that self-assured aura of a guy who has always been the object of flattering attention. Cisco had never really put that together, given it words, but now... he can see it.

He shifts his hand in Eddie's, but doesn't let go as he leans in to say: ]

Well, join the club. My district was mostly white kids named Josh and Marcus and I might as well have been from outer space, and after sixth grade I skipped to high school, so everybody was three or four years older than me. Plus, y'know... stuff with my family wasn't really great so I was pretty desperate for people to like me, and boyyy. They did not. Like, at all. Anybody.

[Eddie can tell from the way Cisco looks at him that he's putting it all together, fitting the pieces together to make up the puzzle that is Eddie Thawne, and it's so weird to be the subject of that kind of attention. He can feel the shift of Cisco's hand in his, assumes that Cisco is about to let go, because his father was a politician, because Eddie had changed how Cisco perceives him, or something else - he's strangely okay with it.

But instead Cisco leans forward a bit and explains what his high school history was like, and Eddie finds himself trying to fit together some pieces he wasn't expecting - he'd thought Cisco would've been one of those fun nerds, the kind who got teased a bit but scored a ton of girls with his cheerful personality and tutored people on the side, and had a ton of friends. Everything about Cisco's explanation seems wrong, and that shows on his face for a moment.]

What? Seriously? People didn't like you? I don't...how can anyone not like you?

[ It ought to make him happy, to look of complete confusion on Eddie's face. The naked sincerity in how he asks that last question, since it makes it clear how much he likes Cisco himself. Enough that he thinks it ought to be natural or inevitable for others.

So Cisco doesn't know why it is that Eddie's reaction sets off a chair reaction of sadness in his chest, flaring up sudden and sharp, making his throat go too tight to respond for a second or two. He smiles, though it is a little lopsided and rueful, and shrugs. ]

Apparently... very easily.

[ He could probably break that down, go into detail about the many reasons why and how people didn't like him in school. But Cisco's pretty sure that no good could come of that. If Eddie somehow doesn't get it, Cisco isn't about to pull back the curtain. Not about to ruin a good thing. ]

Caitlin and Ronnie were kinda my first good friends. I mean, things weren't as bad in college as they had been in high school, but even then it's not like people were lining up, you know? Nobody was writing shit on my locker, but it wasn't like I got invited to stuff, either.

[ He shrugs. In a way, that had been harder. The open loathing was at least understandable. But the being ignored, underestimated, passed over, all of that had made Cisco feel invisible. It had made him pretty damn sure that the polite greetings from peers in the halls and in classes were just a cover, and that they still loathed him, just behind closed doors. ]

And for the record, that stuff you said? None of that makes you bad friend material. You get that, right?

[It seems so obvious that Cisco should be popular. He's smart, cute, has a good attitude, he's caring and compassionate, he goes out of his way to help people - honestly the list just keeps going on. Eddie can't actually think of anything particularly negative about Cisco, honestly. When Cisco says that it's apparently very easy, Eddie can see that moment of hesitation, the moment where he obviously debates whether to point out exactly how people could not like him and then decides not to.

Whether he chooses not to because he thinks it'll make Eddie change his mind, or because he just decided it would be awkward to get all self-deprecating, Eddie isn't sure, though he suspects probably the former. After all, Cisco never seems to mind talking himself down, making himself seem worse than he is. For a moment, Eddie's brows furrow and he feels an immense wave of empathy for Cisco, of understanding and commiserating and wanting to somehow ease that. But he knows from experience that that takes a lot of work, which is probably one of those puzzle pieces Cisco put together earlier. Eddie knows he hasn't quite managed to make his confidence look totally effortless - mostly, but not entirely.

Eddie listens while Cisco explains that college had been easier than high school, and nods in agreement, then purses his lips a bit. He's about to respond when Cisco tacks on that none of the stuff Eddie had said makes him bad friend material, and abruptly he's smiling in a sad kind of way.]

Well, I don't see anything about you that makes you unlikable, so...same, I guess. And it's less that I think those things make me bad friend material now. It's just that they make it hard to believe people want to be my friends, and that makes it hard to attract people who are good friends who won't take advantage of me. Get my drift?

[A little grin.]

Hint: that goes for you too.

I get it.

[ Cisco knows the truth of that statement. It's something he's all too familiar with; Cisco still finds it hard to believe people could possibly want to be around him. He'd felt that way about Eddie, when he first arrived in the quarantine. Taako, too, and Billy, and others.

Half the time he catches himself wondering if they might have ulterior motives, if there is some secret reason driving them to act like they want to be his friends. But of course, he knows that's absurd. His insecurities aren't quite at the level where he buys his own conspiracy theories wholesale. (Except on particularly bad days.) ]

We've got a lot in common, Eddie Thawne. Never would've called it, but we totally do.

[ It occurs to him that maybe, the time has come when he ought to let go of Eddie's hand. That that is the socially acceptable thing to do. But... Eddie doesn't seem to mind, and the fact is, Cisco doesn't get a whole lot of physical contact in this place. It's nice, after he had been so frightened for Eddie's life, to just hold on for a little while.

When he speaks again, Cisco's voice is a little less serious, a little coaxing and playful. He'd managed to get Eddie into this funk, but it's possible he will be able to lift him out of it, if he plays his cards right. ]

I think I would've liked you, in high school. I think we would've totally been friends. I'm not saying twelve year old me was perfect or whatever, but if someone had been nice to me, I wouldn't've cared what his dad did, or what he looked like, or anything.

Edited 2017-07-11 03:36 (UTC)

Right? We really do.

[Something in Eddie relaxes with the realization, and he settles into the bed comfortably, still holding Cisco's hand. It's nice that Cisco keeps hanging onto it. Eddie isn't exactly starved for touch, with Taako around, but being in the hospital, after what just happened, he can't exactly get enough of it either. So it's a relief that Cisco keeps holding his hand, and Eddie shifts his fingers against Cisco's, brushes his thumb against the side of his hand, enjoying the smoothness and warmth of skin connecting.]

I think we would've too. Been friends, I mean. I wouldn't have cared if you were younger, I was, you know, always trying to make friends with other people that were getting picked on. So we could stick together. But there just weren't a lot of them in my school. Everyone seemed to fit somewhere except me.

[A soft exhalation, and then Eddie smiles at Cisco, his eyes bright.]

And you do realize that we're friends now, right?

[ It's still a strange thing, trying to imagine Eddie not fitting in. He seems like he could fit in just about anywhere, like he is adaptable and open-minded enough to befriend just about any sector of people. But maybe, Cisco thinks with a tiny twinge of sadness, maybe that's not a natural trait. Maybe that's something he's cultivated, and in doing so, hidden a part of his real self underneath it. It'd explain why Cisco only recently feels like he's getting to know the real Eddie. The one who is bi, who doesn't like being on his own in hospitals, who likes cats, who has all sorts of little likes and dislikes and idiosyncracies that make him real, and endearing. ]

Whaaaat? For real? [ The sarcasm in his voice is light, and fond, and he squeezes Eddie's hand as he says it. He follows it up with a quieter: ] Yeah, I know.

[ And it's friendship that keeps him there for the next few hours, steering the conversation to something a little less personal, to give them both a break. He turns the subject back to great big tomes of fantasy literature, starts telling Eddie about a few of the serieses he'd enjoyed during that lonely, nerdy youth of his. He steers clear of anything that involves elves too heavily, but that's not too hard to do. Cisco had really read a whole lot of that stuff. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[semi-open] tell me why my love has got a gun aimed at my heart

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