( open ) just keeping life and soul together

[rightly]

who: Steve Trevor & YOU!
what: memory share + catch-all
when: month of October; 9th to 23rd for memory share things
where: all over
warnings: death, violence, some gruesome stuff, sappiness. will update if need be!


I ▹ VISIONS

[ You're a little scared, but you don't look it. You don't act like it, either. You're aware of being in enemy territory, surrounded by people who would torture or kill you without a second thought, if they knew who you were. But they don't. You're dressed like them, talk like them, and you walk among them completely unnoticed.

It's a good thing. It allows you to come into the factory, see what kind of work they're doing. You watch as the scientist you've been sent to check up on works on an experiment with a sort of poisonous gas. It fails, but frustration and anger has her killing the guinea pig anyway, a man who's as scared as he is helpless, restrained and with a mask strapped to his face.

You have no time to think. You can't let her finish her work, you have to find a way to stop it, or at least delay it for long enough that you can bring this information to the people who can actually do something with it. So, while she speaks to the General, you sneak your hand through the cracked door and you steal her notebook. You manage to walk halfway across the factory before she notices it's gone, and by the time she yells out and the alarm sounds, you're already outside.

Walking calmly isn't an option anymore. You start running, then sprinting, yanking a pilot out of his airplane and climbing in yourself, quickly taking off. You double back, though. It's risky, but you may as well cause as much damage as you can, and you shoot across the field, the other airplanes and soldiers there, and as you approach the factory, you let a bomb down through the glass ceiling, flying away as it all blows up, the scientist's work all going up in flames. There's a sense of relief and accomplishment, even as the enemy force seems intent on finding a way to chase you down and catch you. ]

II ▹ DREAMSCAPE

[ It's a peaceful scene, for a change. You find yourself standing a little to the side with Steve, while the perfect copy of him, in the memory, sits on the edge of the fountain, next to Diana. Sameer comes by, happy and chatting, offering them both drinks, and they help themselves. Both the protagonists of the dream and the rest of the people around them, singing, dancing and laughing, seem to be entirely unaware of their presence.

Steve reaches out to clink his beer against Diana's in a toast, then looks around them, a warm contented expression taking over his features. ]

You did this. [ He says to Diana, but she's prompt in correcting him, smiling as he glances at him. ] We did.

[ The other Steve, the one standing next to you, doesn't look particularly comfortable being here, but he knows there's no point trying to leave. He just looks at you awkwardly, shrugging in way of an apology. He knows what's going to happen next, after all, and... well, it's about to get very sappy. ]

III ▹ VISIONS

I have to go. [ She doesn't understand, but you know better. You can't stay now, there's no choice. But you can't leave without telling her, without at least getting it all off your chest. At least she'll know before you're gone. A small comfort (no comfort at all), but it'll have to do. ]

What are you saying? [ She asks, you shake your head. You have a feeling you're both speaking in different languages; you can't hear her, she can't hear you. ] Steve. Whatever it is... I can do it.

No, no. [ Stop her, you need to stop her. You know Ares will never let her go through with it, even if she could, and she would be able to survive it. She insists, you push back. ]

It has to be me. It has to be me. I can save today— you can save the world. [ God, he means it. He believes it. She'll save the world, and that's bigger than him, than surviving, than breakfasts and reading the newspaper and growing old together.

You smile, even if you feel miserable. You look away briefly, then back to her, shaking your head. Your heart pumps wildly in your chest. ] I wish we had more time.

[ She stares at you; she can't hear you, you realize. ] What? What are you saying?

[ You reach down and take off your watch, pressing it to the palm of her hand. Then you start walking backwards. ] I love you.

[ You don't want to let go, but the more you linger, the surer you are you won't be able to. So you pull your hands away quickly and start running away, towards the airplane waiting for you. Your fate— your coffin.

She calls out after you, but you don't look back. You can't look back. You know a glance will be all it takes for you to hesitate, to lose your courage and not do what you have to. ]

IV ▹ VISIONS (this can be a continuation to the previous memory, if you'd like!)

Steve! [ You don't look back. You can't. You rush towards the airplane, and you jump in. You climb inside and take on the pilot, kicking him out. The adrenaline and the haste kick you into action, mask the other feelings that would freeze you to the spot.

You take the seat and you take the plane up in the air. Up, up, away, as far away as it can get. You keep looking back over your shoulder, until the flames and the factory are but a dot in the distance. You laugh, breathless. You laugh and you can't stop, exhilarated and terrified when the reality of it all sinks in.

You're going to die.

This is the hard part. Because now you can safely end it all, not hurt anyone else, but the gun is suddenly heavy in your hand, and your arm shakes, your body shakes, your head spins and your heart is tearing a hole in your chest. You try to breathe deeply but you can't calm down, you can't. Does it matter? Not really. Calm or not, you're going to die. The end result will always be the same.

You close your eyes, try very hard not to think of good things. Diana. You know the moment you remember her smile, her laugh, her eyes, you'll want to turn the plane around, and you can't.

Deep breaths. One, another. You open your eyes again. Your breathing gets calmer, you don't know how. You decide to count down the exhales. Five... four... three... two...

One.

You pull the trigger. ]

[ ooc: if you'd like any other specific memories from the movie, feel free to let me know and I can write a starter for you! ]

Comments

[franciscoramon]

[ Even when Steve says it's not Cisco's fault, he feels a little stab of guilt. He's been wondering, lately, if his powers might be making it so he has more of these dreams than other people - and wondering if, if only he had better control over them, he could be able to tear himself free once the memories started. Probably, he thinks, he could. But he's still too unpracticed, because he's spent so much time trying to pretend he didn't even have powers.

He waits as Steve sits, looking heavy and solemn and shaken. Cisco swallows, shifting his weight from foot to foot and hoping that this hasn't somehow ruined their new friendship. He is silent until Steve makes his request, and then he answers without hesitation: ]

Of course, Steve. I won't say a word about this, to anyone. I swear it.

[ Cisco grabs the nearest stool and pulls it over, close to Steve but not too close, leaving him a little bit of space as he sits down, face all concern. He'd spoken to a Diana, on the network - about candy of all things - but the conversation had only been text. Nothing that would've allowed him to recognize her in the dream. But he does remember what Steve had said, the first time they met. It's not hard to put the pieces together. ]

She's the one you told me about. The one from earlier in your timeline. She doesn't know about you dying, or... about you two?

[ That last part is just a guess, based on Steve's phrasing. She doesn't know about any of that. If that's the case... Cisco can't even imagine how hard that must be. ]

[rightly]

[ Steve would never dream to blame Cisco for this, powers or no. He certainly won't hold it against him, nor does he see it as a breach of privacy on Cisco's end. Given the choice, of course he wouldn't want to share the memory with anyone, but all in all... well, at least he and Cisco get along. Little by little Steve's come to see that he can trust him. It could be worse. A near stranger, for instance. ]

I believe you.

[ Cisco's word is all he needs, and he relaxes a little, even if he's not exactly at ease yet. He glances up again, nodding to confirm his conclusion. No point lying about that anyway, is there? Diana's the only one here he knew from before, so. ]

Any of it. I mean— she knows that I... care about her. She just doesn't know how much. [ It seemed a little much to tell her all that, to profess his love when he was practically a stranger to her. So, he'd opted for a tamer version of their story. ] But she doesn't know about the rest. She thinks... we'll both live to see the end of the war. I haven't confirmed it, but I haven't told her otherwise, either.

[ Even though he likely should. ]

[franciscoramon]

That's an awful choice for you to be stuck with.

[ Which seems to be a bit of a theme, where Steve is concerned. He'd had to make the choice to leave behind someone he was clearly very in love with, to sacrifice his life, to save many more. And now, apparently, he has to decide what he can live with: lying to her and hiding the truth from her, which might spare her some pain but which is ultimately still a lie, or telling her the truth and risking alienating her or hurting her. Cisco frowns at Steve, reaching out carefully and setting a hand on his shoulder, reassuring and bracing.

He should leave things there, he thinks. Not say anything else that has the potential to upset Steve, or make things worse. But Cisco's never been good at holding back. ]

I know that it isn't my place to say this, and there's all kinds of complications, but... in the memory, I heard you. You said- said you wished you had more time to be with her.

[ Cisco smiles, just a tiny sliver of a thing, half-sad and half-hopeful. His voice is low and earnest as he says. ]

Maybe that's what this is. Maybe that's why you're both here. It's a second chance at some more time. And... if there's anything I know about second chances, it's that you can't ever waste them.

[rightly]

I seem to get a lot of those.

[ He sounds a little bitter about it, but mostly sad and resigned. He's had worse choices to make, honestly. Choices that could have been the difference between saving a lot of lives and ending them. It's just different, when the two possible paths here are to either lie to Diana, or upset her. He doesn't want to do either, but it's not like there's a third option.

Cisco means well, Steve knows, and that's why he doesn't ignore him, nor does he clam up or tell him to leave it. He smiles weakly, shaking his head. ]

It's not that easy. This could be a second chance for me, yes. But it's not to her. She's not done yet— with the war, fighting, that's... that's all still ahead of her. She'll go back in a heartbeat, the moment she has the chance. And I would never ask her to stay, not for my sake.

[franciscoramon]

[ It really is a little jarring, at times; there is much about them that is different, but every now and then Steve will say something that reminds Cisco a whole lot of Eddie. This had, after all, been a conversation the two of them had had to have, when they started dating - one of them was dead and stuck in this place, and the other wasn't. But the difference is, when Eddie said he wouldn't ask Cisco to stay for his sake, Cisco could tell him he was staying for lots of other reasons, too. It sounds like that isn't and won't be the case for Diana, which rather complicates things.

Cisco drops that hand from Steve's shoulder and nods gravely a few times. He covers his mouth with his hand, mulling it over. He's not arrogant enough to think that he can solve any of this, for Steve. It's not the sort of problem you fix. But he thinks he can deliver a little perspective, as someone who has lived in the quarantine a while longer. ]

That does complicate things. But I've been here for a while, Steve. I've gotten to know a lot of people. It's pretty rare anyone gets a chance to go back home within the first year. Most of them, it ends up being four, five years before they do.

[ Cisco gives a small shrug; that, at least, is not an opinion, or a piece of advice that he might not be qualified to deliver, but rather, a statistic. They had been brought here, after all, and while they're not prisoners or anything, there was a reason for that. They're meant to be rebuilding this place, and that wouldn't be possible if everyone who got a bit homesick could choose to go back to their world in the first week. ]

That's not a lifetime, but it's still years. And even if you know there's gonna be an end... that's no reason not to start. Everything ends. You can still make the most of the time you've got, while she's around, and then... when she goes, then you figure out what's next for you.

[ Cisco finishes with a little shrug, turning towards the work table beside them and tugging at the large piece of cloth he has covering up the motorcycle engine he'd used as a pretense to get Steve here in the first place. As he does, he adds: ]

Whenever that is, I'll still be around, anyway. I'm here for good.

[rightly]

[ It really isn't something that can easily be fixed, but he does appreciate the listening ear, and the sentiment. He knows Cisco cares, that he's not just pretending to listen to him, and his answers, if not solutions, are at least genuine and heartfelt. Right now, simply having someone so willing to hear him and bear with the things he's been keeping to himself already helps relieve some of the weight on his shoulders.

Steve looks up when Cisco talks about how long some people end up staying here, and he lets out a soft chuckle. ]

Well— you never know, with Diana. She's too stubborn. She already tried stabbing through the portal to get it to work, so...

[ He lifts up his hands and shrugs, pursing his lips. Honestly, he wouldn't put it past her to try to pull some crazy stunt (even crazier than physically fighting the portal), especially if she ends up being stuck here for long enough.

But he appreciates the words, and the sentiment. And Steve knows Cisco's right, of course. Everything in life eventually ends, if not a literal end then by nature of change. He does know his feelings will stay the same, and... well, it's not like her leaving would change that. He'd rather have wonderful memories than nothing at all, if she were to go back from one day to the next. ]

You're very nice, Cisco. I truly appreciate it. [ He smiles, tugging his stool a little closer to the table where the engine is. ] What of yourself? Do you have a sweetheart here, as well? Or back home?

[franciscoramon]

Stabbing? Like... with a sword? [ Cisco's eyebrows raise as he tries to reconcile this detail with the woman he'd seen in the vision, as well as the woman he'd chatted to so harmlessly over the network about the appeal of gummy bears and worms and other such animals. It's painting the portrait of quite an interesting individual. ] How'd that turn out?

[ Cisco can take a hint; he sees that Steve is trying to shift the conversation away from himself. He wants to look at the engine Cisco had used as a pretense to get him here, and to talk about something different - in this case, Cisco's own love life. He's more than happy to oblige, though he thinks with momentary regret that it's not quite as sharp a conversational shift as Steve might have wanted. ]

Yeah, I do. His name's Eddie. He, um. He's actually dead back home, too. Sacrificed his life saving me and a ton of other people, showed up here right after. I'm from about seven months after that.

[ The parallels to Steve's own death are obvious, but at least Eddie and Cisco hadn't had to contend with any timeline difficulties. There was not much, really, in the half a year since Eddie's death, that he needed to know. Nothing that would hinder them, the way the time gap between Steve and Diana was hindering them. ]

So you see I... got reasons for feeling so strongly about second chances.

[ Cisco reaches over, tugs the cloth with the engine sitting on it a little closer, so that Steve can have a proper look at it. ]

Bit simpler for us, 'cause I know I'm never going back.

[rightly]

[ He hums, vague amusement tainting his words. ] Exactly with a sword. Shield too, the whole... apparatus. She's a warrior. [ You know, in case the mention of a sword and shield didn't give it away. Steve may be from 1918 but evidently Diana is... a whole other story. One he's not careful to keep a secret here, when Diana's walking around in armor, shield propped on her back, announcing herself as daughter of Hyppolita, Queen of the Amazons. Not that they have much reason to keep it a secret here, anyway.

He raises an eyebrow at Cisco, lips quirking. ] Well, the portal's still standing and in one piece, and she's still stuck here, that should answer your question.

[ Much to Diana's dismay. She does seem to have taken it up as her new mission of sorts, finding a path back to her world, as well as a way back to anyone else who wants to leave this place. Steve's not among those people, even if she doesn't know that yet.

Steve is honestly relieved when Cisco accepts the slight topic change. Not that he minds talking about Diana, but the circumstances of their presence here aren't exactly the happiest, and it's sort of bittersweet. He looks up at the name, though, the recognition instant and clear. ]

Oh. I know Eddie. He replied to my broadcast, and we met afterwards. I didn't know you came from the same place. [ He smiles, though. It's nice, even despite Eddie's own fate back home. It doesn't take away from what they have here, what things they can yet experience together in the Quarantine. Which is almost ironic, considering how Steve's been avoiding all that with Diana.

He glances from the engine to Cisco at his last words. ] Why not?

[franciscoramon]

So Diana's basically got a whole Xena thing going on, got it.

[ Cisco says it mostly to himself, waving a hand preemptively before Steve can even ask for an explanation, in the way that has become habitual for them whenever Cisco makes some reference to recent pop culture that isn't worth explaining.

He's not surprised, when Steve says that he knows Eddie; Cisco had noticed them speaking, on Steve's anonymous network post. He'd been glad of it, precisely because the circumstances of their deaths were so similar, and he thought it might be good for Eddie to have someone he could talk to about all that. Of course, Cisco is willing to listen, to support him as much as he can. But there are some things it is just easier to share with someone who has gone through something similar. And while Cisco has died before, he isn't in that same position of not being able to go home. ]

I thought he might've. Didn't realize you guys had met. We're the only two from our world here, as far as I can tell. And we knew each other before we came here. Obviously.

[ Cisco hesitates, hands fiddling with an intake valve on that engine. He doesn't need to say more. He'd answered Steve's question, and this is not a subject he's ever broached, when the two of them were in the same room. His heartbeat increases a little just thinking of bringing it up. But, despite the difficulty, he manages: ]

Eddie, uh... the person he killed himself to stop was, um. The guy who, y'know. Murdered me.

[ That hangs in the air, heavy and uncomfortable, and Cisco is only too happy to answer the other question to fill up the silence. ]

A lot of reasons. Partly because he's here. Partly because I really like this place. Partly because I can do just as much good here as I can there. Partly because... nobody's really going to miss me all that much.

[rightly]

[ Steve does open his mouth, ready to ask what's Xena, but Cisco's wave is enough for him to drop it. In any case, Cisco has no idea just how close a comparison that is. Maybe if and when he gets to see Diana in full armor and ready to fight the whole world, then he'll realize just how accurate it is. ]

He offered to meet, and I accepted. He's a nice fella. [ He says that in a tone that implies he's glad that Cisco has someone like that in his life. They seem to deserve one another, in the best of ways.

He doesn't want to dismiss the piece of information that Cisco shares, but he also doesn't want to give it too much importance, knowing how uncomfortable Cisco is talking about that in person. So he only nods, letting his gaze move away to focus on the engine. The awkwardness only lingers for a little while, but it's nearly palpable, and he's glad when the topic shifts slightly. ]

I have a hard time believing that. [ He cants his head, intrigued that Cisco would say that. ] What about family, or friends?

[franciscoramon]

[ It pleases Cisco on a number of different levels, hearing Steve say that about Eddie. It's nice, hearing him get the praise he deserves - especially after so many months of Barry being snide and passive-aggressive about Eddie, out of jealousy. Cisco knows that his kindness and goodness are of the kind that often get overlooked, so it makes him happy, any time someone notices. And it's also nice, knowing that Steve is happy for him, that he has someone good in his life. ]

Sure is. Best guy I've ever gone out with, by a mile.

[ There's more that he could say, if he wanted. Cisco could launch into quite a litany of all the reasons Eddie is amazing and they are happy together, could go full sap on Steve. But he doesn't. It would be cruel, to get into all that, after learning about Steve's own love life. He doesn't want to flaunt his happiness to the point of being hurtful. So he bites it back, for now.

And besides, there is the thorny question of his decision to stay here that he needs to explain. Steve's objections aren't new to him. He's heard them from others; the first few times, answering was a complicated and painful process. Now, though, he's done it enough times that he can do it without considerable distress: ]

My family won't miss me. [ Before Steve can say anything Cisco holds up a hand to stall him, smiling a slightly lopsided, rueful smile. He looks Steve right in the eyes and insists, with a mixture of amusement, and sadness, and conviction: ] Trust me. They won't.

[ It's not particularly pretty, but it's the truth, and Cisco had come to terms with it a while ago. The 'friends' thing is trickier. He's kind of in a weird headspace about Barry, these last few days. Taako had seen a memory that put Barry in a very unflattering light, and Cisco's still trying to reconcile it all. He gives a small shrug, says: ]

My best friend Caitlin'll miss me for a while. But it's not like... she doesn't need me. She's strong. She'll keep going forward. She'll have a good life, and plenty of people around to love her.

[rightly]

[ Steve would know better than to think it cruel, were Cisco to get really sappy and ramble on about Eddie. He understands that flurry of feelings, big and often overwhelming, and he would be happy for anyone who got to have something special like that in their lives. Still, he knows it would sting a little as well, so he's glad that Cisco refrains from talking about it too much, at least for now.

He doesn't show any signs of protest to Cisco's remark about his family, either. He knows all too well how some families are, how sometimes one may as well be alone in the world. Sometimes that's better than the alternative, when the people who should love and protect a person the most are the ones who can treat them the worst. So he just nods to that, although to the rest...

Frankly, he just has a hard time imagining a guy like Cisco not being surrounded by people who love and care about him. The mention of only the one person seems odd, when he tries to reconcile it with the man he's starting to get to know better. ]

Well... [ He starts, not wanting to deny Cisco's words about something he likely knows better than Steve. ] If she really is your best friend, then I guess she'll want you to be happy, even if it is here and away from her. I'm not so sure she won't feel as though she could need you by her side at times, even if she might find her own way. A friend's support can be invaluable.

[franciscoramon]

I think it might be easier for her, actually. Without me around.

[ Cisco busies himself with the engine, starting to take it apart a little, so the two of them could see what made it work, put it back together again (maybe with a few little alterations). It's nice having something to do with his hands while he explains: ]

A lot of bad stuff happened, about the same time that Eddie died. Since then, Caitlin's been trying to move on. Got a new apartment, got a new job, new hairdo, all that stuff you do when you want a fresh start. And... she doesn't really want to be around me, anymore. For months she's been rescheduling coffee meetups, or just 'forgetting' about them altogether, and not calling me back, you know. I think... she's trying to start over, and I'm sort of. [ Cisco gives a tiny shrug, looking away from Steve. It's evidently still a little difficult, painting this situation as something that's not raw and hurtful. ] A reminder of bad stuff from her past. Stuff she doesn't want to think about anymore.

[ The thing is, Cisco doesn't blame Caitlin. He could see, the times that he'd seen her most recently, before coming here, that it was working. She was doing better. Moving on, moving up. Healing. It's just a little bit hard, knowing that a part of that means leaving him behind. ]

I know that doesn't mean she hates me or anything. I'm just saying... it might be better for her.

[ Surely Steve will understand that, at least; he's not telling Diana about their history because he believes it is better for her. ]

[rightly]

[ While paying some attention to the engine, his focus is mainly on Cisco's words. It seems as though Cisco doesn't want to put too much focus on it, but Steve doesn't want to dismiss it entirely either. It always holds weight when someone shares something personal like this.

Steve nods in understanding, not saying a word or interrupting Cisco until he's done. Far be it from him to dismiss Cisco's words, or to tell him he's probably misreading it. Of all people he should know better how Caitlin's feelings towards him might've changed, how their relationship might've altered with time and with events that may have put distance between them. ]

I don't think she hates you, but... I understand what you mean. I'm sorry, Cisco. [ He tips his head, looking to the engine and picking up one of the screwdrivers to loosen some of the pieces. ] Suppose it's good for you too, being here. Moving on in a different way. I hope it works well for you.