dr. stephen ❝i'm an asshole❞ strange (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
potentialed) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2017-10-09 03:57 pm
potentialed) wrote in riverviewlogs2017-10-09 03:57 pm
(open) i'm trying to change
who: stephen strange
what: dreamscape memories + first person visions (for the Memory Share event)
when: 9th-23rd
where: his head + outside after the dreams ?
warnings: violence, injury/pain, death, spoilers for the film Doctor Strange
( i could've done better )
[ It happens in a jarring flash. You're in a car, speeding, at night. Except it's not you. But it feels like it. Body jerking in the seat and the sense of falling as the car spins off a cliff. Flips, crashes. The seatbelt keeps him - you - against the seat for the most part, tight and painful against the chest.
Glass is everywhere. Slices into your hands and fingers. Metal rolls over your hands when you try to grip the steering wheel in a weak attempt to gain some kind of safety as the car continues to fall, fall. It's reflex to grab on. But then, with one final flip the car makes a nosedive into water. You're upside down and it's only then that the pain compiles on itself. Your head and face, your whole body feels like you've been beaten. But the pain in your hands sends you into shock, vision blurring before everything goes dark. It's unbearable.
Stephen comes to briefly in the hospital as he's being wheeled into surgery, the lights too bright, whatever they gave him barely enough to mask the pain. He sees Christine look back at him with worry, fear. He looks down at his hands, sees the blood seeping through the thick bandages. He passes back out under blinding white light.
He comes to again and you see what he sees. The metal pins in his hands and fingers, all the way up to his forearms. A female voice - Christine - tries to calm you, Stephen's voice demands to know what they did to him. She explains about the nerve damage, how you were like that for hours, multiple torn ligaments and severe nerve damage. On the table for hours.
No one could've done better, she says.
I could've done better, and that's what makes it all the worse.
Recovery is an existence alternating between numbness and pain and the humiliation of everything being done for you. The bandages are removed and the tremors start. The anger is slow to build but intense.
You've ruined me.
Everything he tried so hard to accomplish in his life was gone. It meant nothing if he couldn't do more. The vision goes in and out, fading between glimpses and darkness, voices echo.
I'm not getting any better, he yells. Throwing things, not even able to shave or write his own name. He's run out of surgeries, run out of options for what can be done to fix his hands. And running out of money. The hopelessness and bitterness seep in like a poison.
There are other things that can give your life meaning, she tries to calm you, assure you.
Like what? Like you?, the look on her face is something he will regret forever. His voice rises, gets angrier, mocking and cruel, Is that what I am to you now? Poor Stephen Strange, charity case! He finally needs me! You just care so much, don't you!
Everything is black, hands pressed against cold glass.
Christine, I am so so sorry. ]
( stray heart )
[ The city is crowded and the smell of people, smoke, spices and incent are numb to your nostrils by now. It's not your body, not your memory, but it looks and feels that way. This is it. This is the only thing he has left and you can feel the sense of desperation and mounting hopelessness and defeat. He keeps walking and walking and he can't find the place the voice keeps asking for.
Kamar-Taj
At some point, you're walking down a back alley and see a dog. Limping, only using three legs. Dirty and matted fur. A stray. There's a twisting in your chest as you see it. You try to keep walking but stop and turn back towards it. Kneeling, he beckons it over and the dog whines at you as it comes closer. Poor thing. He has to do what he can to help, even if it isn't much.
Stephen is gentle with the injured paw even as his own hands shake and hurt from the effort of making a splint for the animal. Not much but better than nothing. The dog is grateful and for a fleeting moment, Stephen almost smiles, jokes about billing it.
The dog leaves and once again he is faced with a task that seems impossible. Yet it is quickly tossed aside as men approach you. None of them with good intentions. He tells them he has no money, they want the watch. But you can't give them that. He tries to punch one of them and cries out in pain -- and you feel it. Bursting through your hand and shooting all the way up your arm. They start throwing their own hits and you're down on the ground. They kick hard and every blow feels like air is being knocked out of you.
A hooded figure stops them. leaving each one on the ground, knocked out. The vision goes black but the voice is one Stephen knows, You are looking for Kamar-Taj? ]
( there is no such thing as spirit open your eye )
[ The Ancient One is... interesting. Definitely not what he was expecting. Far to young for her name. Her voice is calm, would be soothing if he wasn't so wrapped up in himself. But she also quickly dashes his hopes of a medical miracle. The anger and disbelief is swift, anxiety creeping in as he lists off how he spent his last dollar getting here just to be told some mystical garbage.
You turn back to her, this bald woman in robes trying to tell you how this is the moment you've been waiting for your whole life, you just didn't know it.
You're a man looking at the world through a keyhole and you spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole. To see more and know more.
You roll your eyes as she goes on, frustrated and angry but also a little... wary. How could she know this about him?
And now on hearing that it can be widened, in ways you can't imagine, you reject the possibility.
It all just makes you madder. This is a sham, a farce, and you let her know it. Getting back in her face and telling her you are not foolish enough to believe in fairytales and charkas and the power of belief.
There is no such thing as spirit, he practically spits it out. The bitterness is potent and unmistakable, shame, grief, and pain providing a steady undercurrent that only fuels it on.
We are made of matter and nothing more. You're just another tiny momentary spec within an indifferent universe, because fuck the universe. It doesn't care about you or anything or anybody. None of it matters. She just continues to look at you with that calm smile and tells you how you think too little of yourself. It's like a stab to the heart and it just pisses you off more because it hits so acutely. He yells in her face some more and next thing you experience is what it's like to have your soul - or "astral form" - pushed out of your body. And then brought back.
You can't believe it, breathing hard and eyes darting about. This... no. The tea, it's drugged. Has to be. She is ever calm and explains to you how the astral dimension is where your soul can exist apart from the body. Of course, this sounds like madness. It has to be. It's all bullshit. But... she is so convinced. She isn't lying.
Why are you doing this to me, panic and fear is rising inside of you.
To show you just how much you don't know, she steps back and puts her thumb on your forehead, Open your eye.
And suddenly you're being pulled and out of the building and into the sky, far above the Earth and into space. Enjoy witnessing Stephen's first romp through the multiverse. It's a trip.
When you finally, and literally, crash back down to Earth, once again in your physical body, she's standing over you, Have you seen that before in a gift shop? ]
( a not so merry chase )
[ This is your third battle in one day. You haven't even completed your training. Body sore, bloodied, and bruised from the other fights and aching where you have stitches. You shouldn't be doing what your doing but the ever-present threat of Kaecilius and his fanatics push you on with adrenaline and the instinct to survive.
Mordo is telling you how you weren't clever in putting them in the mirror dimension. Not when they can control it and bend it so. This was suicide.
And you know it's true because of the dread twisting your stomach. But there's little time to dwell on it. You have to run, have to get out of the mirror dimension. And so you run. You dodge attempt after attempt in a cityscape that twists and turns and multiplies in ways you've never seen, in ways that shouldn't be possible.
But you have to do what you can to survive, to get out. Even when it's very clear you are in over your head.
You jump off a walkway and fall through a street, you slide downward, falling and falling, along a street barely avoiding cars, along a subway car ceiling, falling away into darkness as the vision ends and the fight's outcome remains unknown. ]
( we don't get to choose our time )
[ She's dying. She's flatlining and there's nothing you can do. But you see the way the monitor fritzes and you know. Your astral form leaves your body and you spot hers leaving the room. You follow her, floating through the air, going through walls and people, Stephe calls to her. No one can hear or see you like this. He tells her to stop, that she's dying.
She stops outside of a window and you stop beside her. She's watching the snow fall. Time is frozen and yet slowly cracking under the weight of the stalling. All you can feel is the anxiety and fear for her. She can't die. You need her, the world needs her.
She starts talking of time and how she's used magic to glimpse into the future, to prevent terrible things from happening. There's a sense of understanding. Knowing now that she was using energy from the dark dimension, yes, but for better reasons than any of them assumed of her. She says she can't see past this moment.
You think this is where you die? She doesn't answer. She asks if he wants to know what she saw of his future. He says 'no' and she just grins at you, knowing it's a lie. You duck your head, admitting a 'yes'.
I never saw your future. Only its possibilities. You have such a capacity for goodness. You always excelled but never because you craved success. But because of your fear of failure.
It's what made me a great doctor, she has always seen right through him.
It's precisely what kept you from greatness. Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all.
Which is?
She looks over at you, imploring and earnest in a way he's never seen before, It's not about you.
She tells him how he could use magic to channel into his hands, confirms he could, in fact, get his old life back. But adds that the world would be a lesser place for it. She didn't like channeling energy from the dark dimension but he should know how sometimes breaking the rules for the greater good is more important. Even necessary. She tells him to work with Mordo, that only together can they defeat the greater evil.
But the fear is there and he admits it, I'm not ready.
As ever, she's calm, accepting that these may be her last moments, No one ever is. We don't get to choose our time.
She takes your hand in hers and the reflex is to pull away. It's the first time anyone has held your hand since the accident. It's been over a year. But she holds it and you can't pull away because you don't want her to leave. She can't leave. The grip is gentle and you grip it back the best you can. You watch her as she watches the moment she's frozen.
Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered, your time is short. You'd think after all this time, I would be ready. But look at me; stretching one moment out into a thousand just so that I can watch the snow.
You look out at it, too, tears are in your eyes. And then her grip is gone. You look over and she's no longer there. It's just you floating outside the hospital window as the snow continues to fall. The grief comes in a wave, the sense of loss keen as the vision goes black.
She believed in him even when he didn't. Continued to believe it in her last moments. And now she's gone. ]
( i can lose again and again and again )
[ This is it. All or nothing. This plan will either work or -- you know it will work. You're just not sure if you'll ever see Earth again. But even as you cast the green spell around your forearm, the sense of certainty is strong. Stronger than anything else. You swallow down your fear and push yourself over to face the inter-dimensional being. The one called "Dormammu". He's a colossal thing and you call out to him through whatever fear or shock you're feeling but the voice, as in the other visions, is not yours.
You are seeing and experiencing the most important fight Stephen Strange has ever fought in his short time as a new sorcerer. And the anxiety and fear are almost suffocating. It's a good thing he's always been a smug asshole (or at least good at acting like one)
Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
He grins at you, You've come to die. Your world is now my world. Like all worlds.
That's all the warning you get before the attacks start. You fend them off with shields, the only defensive spells you know. But it isn't enough. He obliterates you and the pain is both instantaneous and quickly over. But then time stops and rolls backward.
You're whole again, you're alive, and you're jumping down on the small planetoid, saying the same thing, Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
He smiles again, You've come to die. Your world is now--wait, what is this?
He asks if it is an illusion. You inform him it is real. He smiles again and impales you twice over and you die again. Time rolls back again. Back to the same starting point. He asks you again what is this. You inform him you brought some magic from your own world. Holding up your arm, showing the green spell, This is Time. Endless, looped Time.
He isn't too pleased about it, You dare!
He crushes you with his fist slamming down on the planetoid. But it rolls back again and you smile, Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
You cannot do this forever.
And the old smugness comes through, Actually, I can. This is how things are now. You and me, trapped in this moment, endlessly.
Then you will spend an eternity dying!
Yes. But everyone on Earth will live, and that's all that matters.
But you will suffer.
Pain's an old friend.
Another answer he doesn't like. He blasts you into dust. And on and on it goes.
Dormammu! I've come to bargain. And he kills you viciously and violently each time. Sometimes the same way, other times different ways. But on and on it goes, each time offering to bargain. Until one time you manage to fend off all his attacks
You will never win, he hisses.
You push yourself back up onto your feet, No. But I can lose again and again and again and again forever. And that makes you my prisoner. He impales you again and demands you make this stop when it rolls back once again.
You shake your head, No. I've come to bargain. You won't budge. You can't. And he finally gives in. You state your terms, to take Kaecilius and his zealots, leave the Earth alone, and never come back.
Begrudgingly, he agrees. ]
what: dreamscape memories + first person visions (for the Memory Share event)
when: 9th-23rd
where: his head + outside after the dreams ?
warnings: violence, injury/pain, death, spoilers for the film Doctor Strange
( i could've done better )
[ It happens in a jarring flash. You're in a car, speeding, at night. Except it's not you. But it feels like it. Body jerking in the seat and the sense of falling as the car spins off a cliff. Flips, crashes. The seatbelt keeps him - you - against the seat for the most part, tight and painful against the chest.
Glass is everywhere. Slices into your hands and fingers. Metal rolls over your hands when you try to grip the steering wheel in a weak attempt to gain some kind of safety as the car continues to fall, fall. It's reflex to grab on. But then, with one final flip the car makes a nosedive into water. You're upside down and it's only then that the pain compiles on itself. Your head and face, your whole body feels like you've been beaten. But the pain in your hands sends you into shock, vision blurring before everything goes dark. It's unbearable.
Stephen comes to briefly in the hospital as he's being wheeled into surgery, the lights too bright, whatever they gave him barely enough to mask the pain. He sees Christine look back at him with worry, fear. He looks down at his hands, sees the blood seeping through the thick bandages. He passes back out under blinding white light.
He comes to again and you see what he sees. The metal pins in his hands and fingers, all the way up to his forearms. A female voice - Christine - tries to calm you, Stephen's voice demands to know what they did to him. She explains about the nerve damage, how you were like that for hours, multiple torn ligaments and severe nerve damage. On the table for hours.
No one could've done better, she says.
I could've done better, and that's what makes it all the worse.
Recovery is an existence alternating between numbness and pain and the humiliation of everything being done for you. The bandages are removed and the tremors start. The anger is slow to build but intense.
You've ruined me.
Everything he tried so hard to accomplish in his life was gone. It meant nothing if he couldn't do more. The vision goes in and out, fading between glimpses and darkness, voices echo.
I'm not getting any better, he yells. Throwing things, not even able to shave or write his own name. He's run out of surgeries, run out of options for what can be done to fix his hands. And running out of money. The hopelessness and bitterness seep in like a poison.
There are other things that can give your life meaning, she tries to calm you, assure you.
Like what? Like you?, the look on her face is something he will regret forever. His voice rises, gets angrier, mocking and cruel, Is that what I am to you now? Poor Stephen Strange, charity case! He finally needs me! You just care so much, don't you!
Everything is black, hands pressed against cold glass.
Christine, I am so so sorry. ]
( stray heart )
[ The city is crowded and the smell of people, smoke, spices and incent are numb to your nostrils by now. It's not your body, not your memory, but it looks and feels that way. This is it. This is the only thing he has left and you can feel the sense of desperation and mounting hopelessness and defeat. He keeps walking and walking and he can't find the place the voice keeps asking for.
Kamar-Taj
At some point, you're walking down a back alley and see a dog. Limping, only using three legs. Dirty and matted fur. A stray. There's a twisting in your chest as you see it. You try to keep walking but stop and turn back towards it. Kneeling, he beckons it over and the dog whines at you as it comes closer. Poor thing. He has to do what he can to help, even if it isn't much.
Stephen is gentle with the injured paw even as his own hands shake and hurt from the effort of making a splint for the animal. Not much but better than nothing. The dog is grateful and for a fleeting moment, Stephen almost smiles, jokes about billing it.
The dog leaves and once again he is faced with a task that seems impossible. Yet it is quickly tossed aside as men approach you. None of them with good intentions. He tells them he has no money, they want the watch. But you can't give them that. He tries to punch one of them and cries out in pain -- and you feel it. Bursting through your hand and shooting all the way up your arm. They start throwing their own hits and you're down on the ground. They kick hard and every blow feels like air is being knocked out of you.
A hooded figure stops them. leaving each one on the ground, knocked out. The vision goes black but the voice is one Stephen knows, You are looking for Kamar-Taj? ]
( there is no such thing as spirit open your eye )
[ The Ancient One is... interesting. Definitely not what he was expecting. Far to young for her name. Her voice is calm, would be soothing if he wasn't so wrapped up in himself. But she also quickly dashes his hopes of a medical miracle. The anger and disbelief is swift, anxiety creeping in as he lists off how he spent his last dollar getting here just to be told some mystical garbage.
You turn back to her, this bald woman in robes trying to tell you how this is the moment you've been waiting for your whole life, you just didn't know it.
You're a man looking at the world through a keyhole and you spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole. To see more and know more.
You roll your eyes as she goes on, frustrated and angry but also a little... wary. How could she know this about him?
And now on hearing that it can be widened, in ways you can't imagine, you reject the possibility.
It all just makes you madder. This is a sham, a farce, and you let her know it. Getting back in her face and telling her you are not foolish enough to believe in fairytales and charkas and the power of belief.
There is no such thing as spirit, he practically spits it out. The bitterness is potent and unmistakable, shame, grief, and pain providing a steady undercurrent that only fuels it on.
We are made of matter and nothing more. You're just another tiny momentary spec within an indifferent universe, because fuck the universe. It doesn't care about you or anything or anybody. None of it matters. She just continues to look at you with that calm smile and tells you how you think too little of yourself. It's like a stab to the heart and it just pisses you off more because it hits so acutely. He yells in her face some more and next thing you experience is what it's like to have your soul - or "astral form" - pushed out of your body. And then brought back.
You can't believe it, breathing hard and eyes darting about. This... no. The tea, it's drugged. Has to be. She is ever calm and explains to you how the astral dimension is where your soul can exist apart from the body. Of course, this sounds like madness. It has to be. It's all bullshit. But... she is so convinced. She isn't lying.
Why are you doing this to me, panic and fear is rising inside of you.
To show you just how much you don't know, she steps back and puts her thumb on your forehead, Open your eye.
And suddenly you're being pulled and out of the building and into the sky, far above the Earth and into space. Enjoy witnessing Stephen's first romp through the multiverse. It's a trip.
When you finally, and literally, crash back down to Earth, once again in your physical body, she's standing over you, Have you seen that before in a gift shop? ]
( a not so merry chase )
[ This is your third battle in one day. You haven't even completed your training. Body sore, bloodied, and bruised from the other fights and aching where you have stitches. You shouldn't be doing what your doing but the ever-present threat of Kaecilius and his fanatics push you on with adrenaline and the instinct to survive.
Mordo is telling you how you weren't clever in putting them in the mirror dimension. Not when they can control it and bend it so. This was suicide.
And you know it's true because of the dread twisting your stomach. But there's little time to dwell on it. You have to run, have to get out of the mirror dimension. And so you run. You dodge attempt after attempt in a cityscape that twists and turns and multiplies in ways you've never seen, in ways that shouldn't be possible.
But you have to do what you can to survive, to get out. Even when it's very clear you are in over your head.
You jump off a walkway and fall through a street, you slide downward, falling and falling, along a street barely avoiding cars, along a subway car ceiling, falling away into darkness as the vision ends and the fight's outcome remains unknown. ]
( we don't get to choose our time )
[ She's dying. She's flatlining and there's nothing you can do. But you see the way the monitor fritzes and you know. Your astral form leaves your body and you spot hers leaving the room. You follow her, floating through the air, going through walls and people, Stephe calls to her. No one can hear or see you like this. He tells her to stop, that she's dying.
She stops outside of a window and you stop beside her. She's watching the snow fall. Time is frozen and yet slowly cracking under the weight of the stalling. All you can feel is the anxiety and fear for her. She can't die. You need her, the world needs her.
She starts talking of time and how she's used magic to glimpse into the future, to prevent terrible things from happening. There's a sense of understanding. Knowing now that she was using energy from the dark dimension, yes, but for better reasons than any of them assumed of her. She says she can't see past this moment.
You think this is where you die? She doesn't answer. She asks if he wants to know what she saw of his future. He says 'no' and she just grins at you, knowing it's a lie. You duck your head, admitting a 'yes'.
I never saw your future. Only its possibilities. You have such a capacity for goodness. You always excelled but never because you craved success. But because of your fear of failure.
It's what made me a great doctor, she has always seen right through him.
It's precisely what kept you from greatness. Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all.
Which is?
She looks over at you, imploring and earnest in a way he's never seen before, It's not about you.
She tells him how he could use magic to channel into his hands, confirms he could, in fact, get his old life back. But adds that the world would be a lesser place for it. She didn't like channeling energy from the dark dimension but he should know how sometimes breaking the rules for the greater good is more important. Even necessary. She tells him to work with Mordo, that only together can they defeat the greater evil.
But the fear is there and he admits it, I'm not ready.
As ever, she's calm, accepting that these may be her last moments, No one ever is. We don't get to choose our time.
She takes your hand in hers and the reflex is to pull away. It's the first time anyone has held your hand since the accident. It's been over a year. But she holds it and you can't pull away because you don't want her to leave. She can't leave. The grip is gentle and you grip it back the best you can. You watch her as she watches the moment she's frozen.
Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered, your time is short. You'd think after all this time, I would be ready. But look at me; stretching one moment out into a thousand just so that I can watch the snow.
You look out at it, too, tears are in your eyes. And then her grip is gone. You look over and she's no longer there. It's just you floating outside the hospital window as the snow continues to fall. The grief comes in a wave, the sense of loss keen as the vision goes black.
She believed in him even when he didn't. Continued to believe it in her last moments. And now she's gone. ]
( i can lose again and again and again )
[ This is it. All or nothing. This plan will either work or -- you know it will work. You're just not sure if you'll ever see Earth again. But even as you cast the green spell around your forearm, the sense of certainty is strong. Stronger than anything else. You swallow down your fear and push yourself over to face the inter-dimensional being. The one called "Dormammu". He's a colossal thing and you call out to him through whatever fear or shock you're feeling but the voice, as in the other visions, is not yours.
You are seeing and experiencing the most important fight Stephen Strange has ever fought in his short time as a new sorcerer. And the anxiety and fear are almost suffocating. It's a good thing he's always been a smug asshole (or at least good at acting like one)
Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
He grins at you, You've come to die. Your world is now my world. Like all worlds.
That's all the warning you get before the attacks start. You fend them off with shields, the only defensive spells you know. But it isn't enough. He obliterates you and the pain is both instantaneous and quickly over. But then time stops and rolls backward.
You're whole again, you're alive, and you're jumping down on the small planetoid, saying the same thing, Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
He smiles again, You've come to die. Your world is now--wait, what is this?
He asks if it is an illusion. You inform him it is real. He smiles again and impales you twice over and you die again. Time rolls back again. Back to the same starting point. He asks you again what is this. You inform him you brought some magic from your own world. Holding up your arm, showing the green spell, This is Time. Endless, looped Time.
He isn't too pleased about it, You dare!
He crushes you with his fist slamming down on the planetoid. But it rolls back again and you smile, Dormammu! I've come to bargain.
You cannot do this forever.
And the old smugness comes through, Actually, I can. This is how things are now. You and me, trapped in this moment, endlessly.
Then you will spend an eternity dying!
Yes. But everyone on Earth will live, and that's all that matters.
But you will suffer.
Pain's an old friend.
Another answer he doesn't like. He blasts you into dust. And on and on it goes.
Dormammu! I've come to bargain. And he kills you viciously and violently each time. Sometimes the same way, other times different ways. But on and on it goes, each time offering to bargain. Until one time you manage to fend off all his attacks
You will never win, he hisses.
You push yourself back up onto your feet, No. But I can lose again and again and again and again forever. And that makes you my prisoner. He impales you again and demands you make this stop when it rolls back once again.
You shake your head, No. I've come to bargain. You won't budge. You can't. And he finally gives in. You state your terms, to take Kaecilius and his zealots, leave the Earth alone, and never come back.
Begrudgingly, he agrees. ]
no subject
We care about the land we reside on. Surely your people are the same.
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It's a complicated issue with humans. For some reason.
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You do excel in that.
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You know, I can't even argue with that.
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Why the constant hand motions? Magic shouldn't need that much flair.
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It's because we're channeling the energy of the multiverse through us. And, when you conjure weapons with said energy, well. You need to be prepared to fight for your life with it.
no subject
[ Loki barely needs to flick his fingers. ]
no subject
Maybe not for you. Remember, not everyone using magic is a god.
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And?
I have never denied them.