riverviewlogs | So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

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So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

who: Jason Todd
what: October Catch All & Memeshare
when: 9th-22nd
where: All around.
warnings: This post will be full of triggery things as Jason's life has been a horror show. A quick overview, child abuse, drug use/overdose, under-aged smoking, child death, buried alive, and murder, illusions to drowning. Angst, buckets of angst. Anything else will be updated.
Note: Unless otherwise stated or plotted, each person who tags in will get a new memory. Feel free to poke me at

opticon Dreamscape's can and likely will get more than one memory. Some memories will not only have text, but also pictures in which they were pulled from.

A: Mom checked out (Drug use and violence implied)
It looked like a abandoned room. No power, a dirty wooden floor, bare wooden walls and a mattress on the floor surrounded by candles. The most beautiful thing in the room was the woman laid on the mattress. A bandage on her arm. Her red lock's dyed black. He hated when she dyed her hair, but what she does when he's out he can't stop, out of everything she does with her life a bit of dye was the least bad.

"You see, Mom... I hurt someone today. I was getting us food." He spoke to the unconcious woman as he held her hand. She was the full focus of his attention. Guilt laced his voice. "I know you're not hungry much right now, but you need to eat something. Some guy came out of the alley. He tried to take it from me. From you. From us. I just got so angry, I couldn't think. I started hitting him over and over. When I caught my breath I saw blood on my hands. I let him run away... I mean, I think he's fine...but I didn't mean to do that. I didn't want to..." He rambles before tears start streaking his face falling from his eyes.

He knows she's not listening and he feels helpless. Nothing he does is helping her. "I wish you would stop taking that stuff. I wish you could hear me... I miss you." She wasn't going to answer...

[ Image]

B-Meeting the Bat

It was like any night, for Jason anyway, moving quietly through the streets of Crime Alley. People left him alone for the most part. Which in return got him left alone, again for the most part. Taking a turn down one of the desolate alleyways when he saw it. The Batmobile in all of it's glory. Well, why not. He thought as he moved forward with his tire iron. The big bad Bat's car didn't look like it was that protected. So he kneeled and got to work.

Once he had one tire off he heard someone clear their throat. Looking up his eyes went wide. "You do realize thats the Batmobile, right?" The voice spoke Batman was bigger than life. But he didn't run, no he did what he did best. He smarted off.

"Duh, you do realize you parked your car in Crime Alley, right?" Batman moved forward towards him and Jason swung out at him with the tire iron, he really didn't want to go to Gotham Lockup with his old man. The man dressed as a bat caught the Iron like it was nothing

"You wanna beat up on a kid, go enlist in the GCPD like every other bully in this city." He hissed at the man, who was now lifting him like he weighed nothing. That deep voice spoke again.

"I'm only going to ask you this once. So give some serious thought to your answer." Then he smirked, when Jason spat out a quick reply of 'what?'. "Are you hungry?"

---
Now sitting on the hood of the Batmobile Jason was scarffing down a burger and fries. It was like heaven at the moment.

"Slow down, Jason, You're going to lose a finger."
"Sorry" munch munch "This is the closest thing I've had to a home-cooked meal I've had since..." chomp "... I had a home."

He looks up realizing where the hillside their parked at is. "Funny, I was here once. Looking for Wayne Manor. Trying to case the place but I got lost."

The Batman looks his way. "Why do you think its okay to steal from other people?"

"You kidding me? Look at this view. Freaking "billionaire playboy" think's he's king of the world. Pfft." Jason grumbles as he eats.

"Sometimes you have to give people a chance, Jason. They'll usually surprise you." The bat spoke before silence swept over them and both ate quietly.

C: Dig Lazurus Dig (Buried alive, illuisions to drowning, and pain)

Darkness, darkness all around. It was hot and stuffy this much was clear as Jason opened his eyes to the purest blackness. Trying to sit up he knocked his head into wood before realization sank in. "BRUCE!" panic building in his chest, he knew exactly where he was. It was a coffin. "BRUCE!" His hands moved looking for anything, ANYTHING. His belt buckle was all he could find, Forcing himself to calm down. Instinct taking over, if he panicked he would run out of air.

The belt buckle was used to tear the silk and hit the fine wood above. It took what felt like forever his nails long ripped off as he dug himself up, forcing himself to breath slowly. His hand shot up through the dirt, he was lucky Gotham was always so rainy.

He pulled himself up out of the dirt taking deep breaths now, nothing seemed focus anymore. A few steps and down he went....

His eyes opened again, green liquid obscuring his view. For a moment he sees a beautiful woman above the water, her eyes wide... was that fear? What was happening? Then the pain rushed through like fire.

It burned, and yet he felt like he was drowning and couldn't escape. Her and reached down and pulled him up. "Come now." She spoke quickly. He knew her.

"Talia."

"Yes, your story is not yet over, Jason." She spoke in that beautiful middle eastern accent of hers. Next they were running, he had so many questions.

"Whats happening!" He called to her as they reached a cliff-side and she shoved a duffle bag in his hands. "You are unavenged! Do not go back to him, learn before you react." She spoke quickly, dragging him up and kissing him fully on the lips before shoving him off the cliff. Him and the bag falling as she turned and ran the other way. Jason watched the world spin around him....

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[ The scene shifted and Hana had no idea what was going on, really - sometimes she wound up in memories and it stayed the same scene for a long time, other times like this one things shifted and swirled and showed something else all of a sudden. She had to turn once it did and found herself looking at Jason and a few other guys at a table eating. She tilted her head, certainly noticing all the similarities in the guys' features. She looked back at Jason and asked, ]

Your brothers or something?

[ as she continued watching and a more distinguished-looking man joined them and Jason sneakily took the action figure. Red Hood, huh? She looked at the present-day Jason watching the memory with her with an amused look on her face as though to say, Really? He stole a fast food toy from a kid? Then one of even further amusement as the man in the suit... ate his burger with utensils... ]

[ Jason smiled a little, a fond look crossing his features. He looked the same in the booth outside of clothes as he did beside her. This was only a few months ago... a few days before he arrived in the world they shared.]

Something like that. Were all adopted. Outside of Luke, he's just one of, like what you saw in the last memory.

[ He explained before watching more, the mentioning of 'your dead' didn't go over well with the man with the utensils.]

That's kind of our old man. He took us all in.

[ Hana couldn't help at chuckle at the explanation, mostly because - ]

So he liked to take a guys in that look just like him?

[ Because... really... Still, her chuckle is more good-natured than anything; she's amused, honestly. But she sort of appreciates that she's learning a little bit more about Jason even if this isn't how either of them probably would've liked to go about it. ]

That's nice of him, though. Seems like you got along with them.

Your not the first one to notice that. There is a reason for it. One of us is missing, Tim. But, he looked like the rest of us, just thinner and smaller. He's dead. [ It was easier to say when he was looking at the other's.]

We all had to look like Grayson, there are reason's but we all more look like him. Who, happens to look like the old man.

[ He chuckled a bit.]

We fight more than we get along, at least I do. You're looking at the black sheep of the family.

[ Hana was about to ask where this 'Tim' fellow was but— oh. ]

I'm— sorry to hear that, Jason.

[ But then he was moving on from that anecdote, and while Hana certainly won't forget that, she wasn't going to pry about it. Instead she pretended to look bewildered when he called himself the black sheep. ]

Wait, you? The rebellious one in the bunch? I'm shocked. I never ever would have imagined that.

[ as in, she was not at all shocked. ]

[ Jason shrugs in that closed off uncomfortable way he does when he wants to talk about something but refuses.

Jason and Damian both casually mention having died which may have seemed odd, the death jokes aren't appericated by Batdad who tells them to leave town in the memory. The boys all agree to say fuck what dad says, lets go fight Bane. Beside's Duke. He's a smartie.]

Nice, Hana, you know I can be a team player.

[ He looks utterly happy in the memory, aside from Damian teasing him about his hairline, someone has a complex about their hair.]

[ She doesn't know what to make out of the casual death mentions - she especially doesn't know why the little guy called him 'Red Hoodie,' because that sounds for a second like it could be some callsign or superhero name, but - Red Hoodie?

There are so many questions she wants to ask. About the people he's with, that man in the suit, but she loses her train of thought as she watches the Jason in the memory, bantering and smiling with these guys like she'd never seen him be, before. It makes her smile, too, and even laugh when past Jason gets insecure about his hairline. She shoots the current Jason a look, then, quirking a brow, very obvious in the way she looks over his hairline. ]

Oh, it's not that bad. [ she's helping ] Are you really that worried about it, "Red Hoodie"?

Bite me, Hana. Alfred said it was fine.

[ His cheeks heated up despite it being a memory and without even meaning to he carded a hand back through his hair. he shifted his eyes to her and gave her a flat look.]

Don't be like the demon brat, it's Red Hood if anything, and your never to mention that to anyone but me. I told you, or more you saw, I'm from a world of vigilantes. You think I look like this for pure ego?

Uh, yeah?

[ She was mostly joking. Of course Jason's physique hadn't escaped her notice, but vigilante wouldn't have been at the top of her list of guesses as to why he was so jacked. He was in the Perimeter Guard, too, and to her that would've been enough reason in itself, but it made sense that his fitness had really come from what he was doing before, at home. Which was apparently being a vigilante.

The look she gave him, though, said everything about how many points he just gained in her book - how much more respect he had for him, now that she'd learned that. ]

You're secret's safe with me, don't worry. I gotta say, though, you kinda seem like you popped right out of those old comic books my dad loved to nerd out over, now. That's pretty cool.

...Don't temp me, Hana.

[ He sighed a little at that, mostly just never knowing how to handle praise without a mask or helmet on. As a boy it had been easier but his life was such a mess past death that he never knew if he would say the right thing. He was mostly Bravado anyway...]

So people keep telling me. We have comics back home but mostly people trying to duplicate the things that happen in reality.

[ The scene changes as he groaned a bit.]

Shit, Im still not able to make it stop... I've taken a bit of advice to make it change...but im not good at it.... oh fuck....

[ His words fell off as he realized what had started.

It looked like a abandoned room. No power, a dirty wooden floor, bare wooden walls and a mattress on the floor surrounded by candles. The most beautiful thing in the room was the woman laid on the mattress. A bandage on her arm. Her red lock's dyed black. He hated when she dyed her hair, but what she does when he's out he can't stop, out of everything she does with her life a bit of dye was the least bad, but the ginger roots were peaking through.

"You see, Mom... I hurt someone today. I was getting us food." He spoke to the unconcious woman as he held her hand. She was the full focus of his attention. Guilt laced his voice. "I know you're not hungry much right now, but you need to eat something. Some guy came out of the alley. He tried to take it from me. From you. From us. I just got so angry, I couldn't think. I started hitting him over and over. When I caught my breath I saw blood on my hands. I let him run away... I mean, I think he's fine...but I didn't mean to do that. I didnt want to..." He rambles before tears start streaking his face falling from his eyes.

He knows she's not listening and he feels helpless. Nothing he does is helping her. "I wish you would stop taking that stuff. I wish you could hear me... I miss you." She wasn't going to answer...
]

Edited (wow I fucked up the HTML A LOT) 2017-11-28 14:53 (UTC)

[ There was just no getting accustomed to that sensation of the scene shifting and changing around them, to that complete disorientation that felt a lot like someone pulling the floor out from beneath your feet and then throwing you into zero gravity (not that Hana had ever experienced zero gravity, but this felt a lot like how she would imagine it would be).

The scene this time was much more - somber.

Her mind assumed the worst at the sight of a woman laying still on a mattress on the floor - was she... alive? But then she heard Jason's familiar voice, and her face fell even further as she slowly pieced together what she was seeing, what she was hearing. By the time the Jason of the memory's words trailed off and Hana turned her head to look at the Jason she knew beside her - there were tears welling in her eyes, too. ]

Jason...

[ He had to turn away from her, he hated being overwhelmed by his emotions... He remembered that night to well and it was still to raw. Catherine hadn't died that night but he nearly had. He shook his head some as she spoke everything started to fade.]

...I'm sorry Hana.

[ He spoke hoping everything would stop, but it was feeding off his emotion and when the scene started to change Jason looked horrified. The world starting to become shaky as another memory played. One nor far after the one she had just seen.

--

Jason made his way inside the same crummy apartment. The candles were all out. Something was wrong. "Mom!" He called out when he realized she wasn't on the mattress, wasn't in the bathroom or sitting on the threadbare couch. "Fuck!" He yelled sounding to old in his small body. He ran to the sink digging under it for a can. When he opened it his heart dropped. All the money he had made to keep them fed, to pay the rent, it was all gone.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." He pushed up throwing the can at the wall. He ran back for the door grabbing the tire iron on the way. He had to go find her, and if she was with one of her dealers he would beat the bastards senseless to protect her. He didn't care if they could kill him. He ran as fast as he could running from place to place, peaking through window's, jumping fences. "Come on, Mom where are you!" He called out, people where on the streets but no one paid him any mind. Just another kid on the streets nothing new. And those who did know him, knew what was going on. None of their business anyway.

By the time he reached the alleyway he knew something was wrong he could feel it in his gut as he walked down to the lone light shining.

Locks of ginger and a bowed head, wearing that lone white dress, her natural color. He used to love that dress so much. Please just be asleep. he wished but he knew better as he kneeled beside her. He could tell before he touched her shoulder. She was cold. "M..mom, no." his eyes were burning. "Mom, please wake up." He started shaking her but it was to late. The poison took her. Despite how much he wanted to cry he had to call someone, get her help in case she could be helped.

He pushed up and ran from the alleyway, finding a payphone, the last change in his pocket put in as he called 911. "Yes, There's a woman at Park Row and 15th in the back of the alley, I think she may be dead." he tried not to let his terror show. "Her name's Catherine Todd." That was the last thing he said as he hung up and turned running fast from the body into the darkness around him.

---

The second the boy in the memory was covered in darkness everything stopped. And, the residents of room floor got a loud scream ripping through the night as Jason Todd came up from his dreams screaming like the child he had been had wanted to.

Edited 2017-12-05 23:33 (UTC)

[ Her heart may as well have sunken down to the depths of the ocean from the scene that she watched unfold before her. She already knew this wasn't going anywhere good, given what had played out just moments before - and her suspicions were confirmed when Jason of the past found entered the alleyway. Under her breath, she muttered, ]

Oh, no...

[ And she looked on in horror, heartbreak. Jason was so young and he must have felt so... alone. Hana couldn't bring herself to look at the older Jason that she knew, could only watch as the younger one ran and ran and called for help.

---

Hana wouldn't be going back to sleep, after that. Her heart was too heavy yet also in pieces over everything she'd seen of Jason's memories. She didn't know what to do about it all, but she did know that she wanted to see him. So even though the sun hadn't even risen, Hana got up and got dressed and immediately began to make her way over to the communal housing building where she was hoping to find him, sending him a message in the meantime: ]

I'm coming over. Want me to pick anything up?

Don't come. Shit I know better, your coming. Bring some beer.

[ When she arrived at the building she hadn't going to even have to go to floor six. Jason was outside leaning against a wall. He had on an open black button up shirt, over a pair of ripped jeans that hung low on his hips without his belt done up. He looked a hot mess but, of course the only reason he was outside was the fact he was leaning there smoking a cigarette.

Trying to calm his nerves. He had kept it together when Loki saw Catherine die, but, it was harder with Hana. He didn't want her knowing the horrors of his childhood. ]

[ She did as requested, making a quick pit stop somewhere to pick up some beer on the way. Probably something she thought he would enjoy more - she wasn't planning on partaking at the moment.

When she found Jason outside of the building having a smoke, she broke one of the cans of beer off the packaging and held it out to him as she approached. ]

Special delivery for Jason Todd?

[ He took one last draw off the cigarette as she approached flicking it off towards the blacktop. Waving the smoke off he moved to meet her. He cared enough to not want to risk her health the way he risks his own.

When he reached her he took the can and cracked it open.]

Thanks, your a goddess, Hana. [ He spoke before taking a drink.] Sorry you had to see all that shit. I tried to stop it.

[ Even tired and stressed as she had been as of late, she managed to pull a very typical D.Va response to being called a 'goddess,' which was: ]

I know.

[ as she moved to stand beside him, setting the rest of Jason's beer on a nearby window ledge before leaning against the wall. ]

It's not your fault, all this memory and dream crap has just been out of control. I didn't even know you could change and stop it.

[ She cast him a sidelong glance. That last memory with his mother dying... she hadn't stopped thinking about it. ]

... can I give you a hug?

That ego looks good on you, Hana.

[ He spoke as he shifted to lean next to her taking another drink. He hated that he knew they had to talk about it, but people always wanted to when they found out how he grew up.]

I picked it up from Loki, I dont remember exactly how he showed me though... he saw the same thing you do.

[ He spoke with a shrug before offering an arm over.]

Just because you asked, not because of what you saw. The past is the past, I'm not that kid anymore, that kid's dead.

[ She smiled because, well, she knew that, too. But she was glad that he didn't seem averse to the idea of a hug, even if to her, it was because of what she saw. That, and— the last couple of nights had been so rough, either with reliving some of her own worst memories over and over, or with witnessing her friends' worst memories. Rather than a beer or an alcoholic drink, Hana was beginning to think that she would sooner have an energy drink. Maybe just refusing to sleep would be the best way to keep those dreams at bay.

...In any case, she stepped closer so she could wrap her arms around him, resting her head against his shoulder. Maybe she needed the hug just as much as she thought he needed it. ]

I know. Just shut up and accept the hug, Jay.

[ He moved both arms around her, careful not to hug her back to tight, but the moment she was in his arms it was almost a bearhug. He liked to think he didn't need anyone, but he pushed people away so much that he was touch starved more than he would admit. He closed his eyes as he hugged her.]

Don't... don't think badly of her. Mom was in a bad way, always had been. She did her best, but after my no good father got locked up... well, she shut down. I did my best to take care of her.

[ Her petite frame was swallowed up in his as they embraced, but Hana found it more comforting than suffocating. She could only hope it was comforting for him, too. One of her hands rubbed slow circles on his back, a soothing gesture as she hummed in response against him. ]

I don't think badly of her. There's no way I would. I don't think badly of you either, Jay. You did your best, and I'm sure she loved you for all of that, 'kay?

[ It turned out, for all of her unbound self-confidence and energy, Hana could be soft and sweet, too. But not around everyone. ]

[ For a moment all he could do was hold her close, having to keep his eyes closed to keep his eyes in check before letting go and lifting the beer to take a drink. Needing a moment before he could speak. ]

Shit, I didnt expect to get all weepy on you. Wanna come upstairs? We can play games again.

[ She stepped away once they let go, letting him have all the space and time he might need. She'd been through this rodeo with a couple of people, already, and usually she was the one who needed comfort - so she was just trying to do unto Jason what she'd received from others through this strange time with everyone's memories being flung around.

His suggestion had her smiling, although it went sideways into a smirk soon enough, unable to resist the chance to sass him, saying, ]

You sure you're not gonna get all weepy on me a second time when I kick your ass?

Edited (important distinction there) 2017-12-12 02:43 (UTC)

Oh please, you'll never see me cry again. That was a once in a life time thing, Hana. Come on, time for me to kick your ass.

[ He grinned as he took another drink and moved to open the door for her. He was glad they were able to let it go, he hated dwelling.]

Seriously, Im gonna beat you one day.

[ She quirked a brow at him as she followed suit and stepped through the door to get inside. ]

I wouldn't be so sure about that. I've made a lot of grown men cry, you know. But you're definitely welcome to try! Just don't get too salty when you lose, 'kay?

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So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

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cw; drug use implied

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cw; parental death

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