riverviewlogs | So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

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So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

who: Jason Todd
what: October Catch All & Memeshare
when: 9th-22nd
where: All around.
warnings: This post will be full of triggery things as Jason's life has been a horror show. A quick overview, child abuse, drug use/overdose, under-aged smoking, child death, buried alive, and murder, illusions to drowning. Angst, buckets of angst. Anything else will be updated.
Note: Unless otherwise stated or plotted, each person who tags in will get a new memory. Feel free to poke me at

opticon Dreamscape's can and likely will get more than one memory. Some memories will not only have text, but also pictures in which they were pulled from.

A: Mom checked out (Drug use and violence implied)
It looked like a abandoned room. No power, a dirty wooden floor, bare wooden walls and a mattress on the floor surrounded by candles. The most beautiful thing in the room was the woman laid on the mattress. A bandage on her arm. Her red lock's dyed black. He hated when she dyed her hair, but what she does when he's out he can't stop, out of everything she does with her life a bit of dye was the least bad.

"You see, Mom... I hurt someone today. I was getting us food." He spoke to the unconcious woman as he held her hand. She was the full focus of his attention. Guilt laced his voice. "I know you're not hungry much right now, but you need to eat something. Some guy came out of the alley. He tried to take it from me. From you. From us. I just got so angry, I couldn't think. I started hitting him over and over. When I caught my breath I saw blood on my hands. I let him run away... I mean, I think he's fine...but I didn't mean to do that. I didn't want to..." He rambles before tears start streaking his face falling from his eyes.

He knows she's not listening and he feels helpless. Nothing he does is helping her. "I wish you would stop taking that stuff. I wish you could hear me... I miss you." She wasn't going to answer...

[ Image]

B-Meeting the Bat

It was like any night, for Jason anyway, moving quietly through the streets of Crime Alley. People left him alone for the most part. Which in return got him left alone, again for the most part. Taking a turn down one of the desolate alleyways when he saw it. The Batmobile in all of it's glory. Well, why not. He thought as he moved forward with his tire iron. The big bad Bat's car didn't look like it was that protected. So he kneeled and got to work.

Once he had one tire off he heard someone clear their throat. Looking up his eyes went wide. "You do realize thats the Batmobile, right?" The voice spoke Batman was bigger than life. But he didn't run, no he did what he did best. He smarted off.

"Duh, you do realize you parked your car in Crime Alley, right?" Batman moved forward towards him and Jason swung out at him with the tire iron, he really didn't want to go to Gotham Lockup with his old man. The man dressed as a bat caught the Iron like it was nothing

"You wanna beat up on a kid, go enlist in the GCPD like every other bully in this city." He hissed at the man, who was now lifting him like he weighed nothing. That deep voice spoke again.

"I'm only going to ask you this once. So give some serious thought to your answer." Then he smirked, when Jason spat out a quick reply of 'what?'. "Are you hungry?"

---
Now sitting on the hood of the Batmobile Jason was scarffing down a burger and fries. It was like heaven at the moment.

"Slow down, Jason, You're going to lose a finger."
"Sorry" munch munch "This is the closest thing I've had to a home-cooked meal I've had since..." chomp "... I had a home."

He looks up realizing where the hillside their parked at is. "Funny, I was here once. Looking for Wayne Manor. Trying to case the place but I got lost."

The Batman looks his way. "Why do you think its okay to steal from other people?"

"You kidding me? Look at this view. Freaking "billionaire playboy" think's he's king of the world. Pfft." Jason grumbles as he eats.

"Sometimes you have to give people a chance, Jason. They'll usually surprise you." The bat spoke before silence swept over them and both ate quietly.

C: Dig Lazurus Dig (Buried alive, illuisions to drowning, and pain)

Darkness, darkness all around. It was hot and stuffy this much was clear as Jason opened his eyes to the purest blackness. Trying to sit up he knocked his head into wood before realization sank in. "BRUCE!" panic building in his chest, he knew exactly where he was. It was a coffin. "BRUCE!" His hands moved looking for anything, ANYTHING. His belt buckle was all he could find, Forcing himself to calm down. Instinct taking over, if he panicked he would run out of air.

The belt buckle was used to tear the silk and hit the fine wood above. It took what felt like forever his nails long ripped off as he dug himself up, forcing himself to breath slowly. His hand shot up through the dirt, he was lucky Gotham was always so rainy.

He pulled himself up out of the dirt taking deep breaths now, nothing seemed focus anymore. A few steps and down he went....

His eyes opened again, green liquid obscuring his view. For a moment he sees a beautiful woman above the water, her eyes wide... was that fear? What was happening? Then the pain rushed through like fire.

It burned, and yet he felt like he was drowning and couldn't escape. Her and reached down and pulled him up. "Come now." She spoke quickly. He knew her.

"Talia."

"Yes, your story is not yet over, Jason." She spoke in that beautiful middle eastern accent of hers. Next they were running, he had so many questions.

"Whats happening!" He called to her as they reached a cliff-side and she shoved a duffle bag in his hands. "You are unavenged! Do not go back to him, learn before you react." She spoke quickly, dragging him up and kissing him fully on the lips before shoving him off the cliff. Him and the bag falling as she turned and ran the other way. Jason watched the world spin around him....

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Ciel was still a bit tired from the memories but he had managed through the day so far, making sure each cup of tea he had was a bit stronger than he normally had.

He made his way to the cafe that afternoon, getting a large cup of strong tea and settling across from Jason after. He wasn't dressed as nicely this time. The Earl still wore dress pants, and slightly heeled boots, but that day he wore a pullover sweater, still suitably for more dressy occasions.

"I didn't leave you waiting, I hope."

Jason's eyes had dark circles around them, somewhere between a bruise and just horrible sleep deprivation. His normal night terrors had not lessened any, and the dream walking left him feeling half dead. He had known if he had taken the nap he would have missed their lunch.

He lifted a hand offering a wave, trace bits of black grease on his fingers that he hadn't scrubbed off fully. "Not at all, I showed up early." He promised waving off the concern as he took a drink from his coffee. "You look more comfortable like that." He commented on the young earl's clothing choices.

The dark circles weren't unnoticed, in fact they were one of the first things he noted. And quickly realized that he felt genuine concern for his friend, something he'd never really felt for anyone in England.

"You're exhausted." Very plainly pointed out as the earl made himself comfortable, sipping at his tea. He did lift a hand to lightly touch his sweater and then cleared his throat a bit.

"It's much easier here, I noticed, to find clothes that fit me. Especially since I can't call on Nina to tailor something for me."

Genuine concern is not something he's used to outside of Alfred and Roy, back before he cut his former best friend off. So, he looked a little confused at Ciel's observation. "It's nothing, don't worry about it." He felt like he was the one lying this time, but at least he was less likely to have an ashtma attack, the worse he might do is wreak his motorcycle... which honestly might be just as bad but he's used to riding half asleep. Such is the life of a vigilante.

He lifted his drink and took in more of his caffeinated wake up. "Yeah lack of a good tailor is hard here, but a bright side to modern clothes they all come in different sizes as long as you don't want something super custom. It's easier finding things in your size than mine."

There's the faintest, amused, scoff. He immediately thinks of the last time something similar was uttered between the two of them and his prompt visit to the hospital. The weight of his inhaler seems to shift in his pocket as reminder.

"So long as you're sure but I'd rather you not be the next to visit the hospital."

He can remember the look of discomfort Jay had pushed aside. Just visiting was awful enough, he could imagine how much he'd hate being there as a patient. Probably as much as Ciel had.

There a faint face at how much easier it is to find clothes here but it's softened only because at least his small stature isn't entirely uncommon.

"It's too bad Nina isn't here. I'm sure I could persuade her to make you something. She might object, you're older than her preferred clientele, but as a favor to me, she would do it."

Jason rolled his eyes, but was clearly amused. "Trust me. This is my normal, if I'm in the hospital I'll be on my death bed, not for something like this." He spoke with a bit of promise. "Which is part of why I asked you to come see me. With everyone seeing each other's memories I felt it would be best to betray my promises and be a little more honest with you, in case you see something that can't be explained."

He would have hated it just as much. It was to painful for him, he was always the gun sitting by a bed protecting someone while praying to whoever listened that his loved ones recovered. From Roy to Alfred, anyone who needed it. He started reached up running a hand through his hair before chuckling some.

"If Alfred were here I could offer the same of you, he used to insist my clothes be tailored, but I believe I was smaller than you as a boy as well. However, if your Nina shows I'd not be against it. It's nice to have clothes that fit." He was not about to tell a young boy the pearls of finding pants that fit both his waist and thighs.

It would probably be awhile before Jason stopped surprising Ciel, having anyone to care. Having people he actually worried about besides Elizabeth. Ciel was getting used to all sorts of things here.

"I think you'll find me hard to drive off. You saw me sell my soul, finishing up that business with Jack the Ripper." And then Jay had supported his actions in killing the cultists, encouraged even. "Whether it can be explained or not, it won't chase me off."

He kind of wanted to see Nina handle Jay. She preferred ladies, and boys under fifteen, for her fashion, but her family had also handled the clothes for previous Watchdogs.

"Smaller than me though, really? I don't hear that often. Sebastian frequently gets a laugh that I haven't changed in some time." Or barely changed.

A few years back Jason would have been just as surpised, but luckily Roy Harper, Artemis, Bizarro and Koriand'r had all already waltzed through his life and showed him people cared about him. That he could care for others with less fear. And he did care for his new friend, the kid reminded him so much of Bruce it hurt sometimes.

"Which is what brings me to what brought us together today. You and I are a lot more alike than I realized at first. I suppose I dont need to say that what I plan to tell you can't be shared with anyone else." He spoke more than asked.

Taking his phone out as he swipped through photos. "I dont really have anything of me young but, I was so little Ciel. I hadn't even hit five feet tall when I died." He spoke it out easier since, he planned to just lay the cards out anyway. "You could be a late bloomer like I was, I didn't shoot up this big until I was nearly eighteen."

In England, caring, being cared for, meant hurting the people left behind when his contract was fulfilled. It had never seemed worth it. And now Ciel could see what he was missing.

"I haven't many people to share it with but don't worry. I am the picture of discretion." Most of the time. He was good at secrets though, not sharing them unless they served one purpose or another. It was hard to imagine this serving him for anything and he realized he didn't really want to use Jason.

It was hard to imagine getting much taller but he could hope. Vincent and Rachel had been fairly tall, so were his aunts. He wasn't sure about any of his grandparents.

"Perhaps. We'll see, I suppose. We have five years here, right?"

It was something else they had in common, Jason lived his life like he was ready to die again. He expected to die again before he hit twenty five. The family knew it was a possiblity Jason would burn out before he faded away. He expected to hurt people, but his friends had showed him what he was missing and he was just passing the favor along.

Try to spare Ciel the pain of growing up like Bruce if he could.

"I assumed as such, it's just who I am to threaten. It helps seal the importance of what I plan to say." He explained before waving a hand and taking a drink of his coffee. "We'll see and if not, well you're power will help where height doesn't."

Placing the coffee down he wasn't sure how to start so, instead he just opened his phone and tossed it down on the table with a picture on display. "I was a teenage hero... now I'm so much more. In my world I'm someone villains fear, I don't just stop criminals I put them in the ground." Admitting he's a murderer probably isn't what Roy meant when he said Jason needed help...

He could understand that, really. Sebastian had done as much in his place when he'd shown Arthur what he was, when the good doctor had gotten too close and realized Sebastian hadn't really died. If he spoke up, Sebastian would find him. And it wouldn't have been hard, the demon was probably already keeping uncomfortably close watch on the man.

So he nodded, quiet, in agreement. Threats were a necessary tool sometimes. And he could only let out a little snort at his height. His parents had been taller, his aunt and uncle were tall, Jason could be right.

He looked the picture over, glancing up at Jay then back down, and up again. This happened a couple times and then Ciel quietly sipped at his tea, thinking. They really were alike. Ciel had no problem putting people in the ground either, if they were the source of the Queen's distress.

"You do what you have to." To most anyone else, this conversation would have been concerning. "Sometimes that means people die."

Jason had learned young how good of a motivator fear could be. He learned it from the best after all. Batman was fear itself in Gotham, while also hope. So, Jason learned well and young, even if he hated to threaten someone he saw as a child, he also saw Ciel as an adult at the same time. The same way he had expected to be threated as a boy. If a boy has to handle a mans job, they deserved to be threated as such.

Jason was bigger than both of his parents put together now, and he had been super tiny before. So Ciel had a chance.

Jason in the picture at least looked a lot happier. Granted, Ciel was one of the few people he smiled for these days. He nodded to the other's words. The young Earl had his way with words. "Exactly. getting slapped on the wrist doesn't do shit if they get out and kill again." He sat back and sighed. "Undertaker already knows becuase of these memories being shared, but seeing both that I saw from you I felt it best to just tell you beside's that, I was also murdered when I was 15. Obviously I got better, but I was buried and everything."

They really were a great deal alike. If he didn't know better, Ciel would have thought him a Phantomhive. With the way this place, the portal, didn't seem to care about time periods, it could well have grabbed some descendant of theirs.

"That's why I even have a job. It was like the Ripper case, just hunting them down- they knew I was. The threat of being caught didn't deter them." In the end, death was the only option, Ciel knew it and so had Madam Red. Grell slipped by only because he wasn't human.

The mention of him dying though, that threw off what mental balance Ciel had. Instinct had him thinking of the Bizarre Dolls but Jason only resembled the ones from Weston. And, as far as he knew, Undertaker was the only one that dabbled in that.

"How-?" Was he alive?

It was highly unlikely given how poor Jason's family had been, even before his father was born, Jason could never view himself as descended from such a noble line. Granted, he could rarely accept that he was legally Bruce's son either... He had massive self esteem issues he hides behind bravado.

"Exactly, death is the only answer in cases like that. The ripper had to die. Which I am pleased to know you handled that case. Even if history lies and calls it a cold case." He was utterly impressed by it. It spoke volumes of Ciel's skills.

"There is no answer for it, and none I wish to search for. I woke up in my coffins months after I was murdered, dug myself up... and in case you wondered, modern coffins are much harder to break out of." He spoke, clearly a little uncomfortable, with the way his eyes shift down to his coffee before he takes a drink. "I was little more than a zombie, I had massive brain damage from the way I was killed. I did not come back to myself until I was placed in something called a Lazurus Pit, it heals damages in a supernatural way, but at a grave cost. Either way, that is the secret I choose to share with you in case this world decides to tell you before I could."

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So what if you can see the darkest side of me..

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