riverviewlogs | (closed) god, it’s been a hell of a week

[His own canister sits in his lap, a heavy weight that he kind of wants to just throw out the window and be fucking done with it. He's seen a few moments into his future, Upsy coming crashing into a field of the Hunger's soldiers, but this is likely to show a lot more.

When she asks if the shot is for her, he doesn't bother nodding, just grabs the bottle to refill it once she sets the glass back down on the table. He didn't get himself a glass, evident from the fact he takes a swig like some kind of animal.]

Fair warning, this shit feels real fucking weird.

Of course it does.

(No part of this could possibly be positive, huh. Lucretia hefts the canister in her hands, makes to twist it open, then stops. Maybe Taako should go first. There's a horrible, scared part of her that is worried about how far forward she'll go. As she is now, younger and absolved of any future action, she's aware that it's much easier to afford her some amount of forgiveness; but if she comes forward to a point where she's aware of her plan? How will the others look at her then?

She's frozen in place, staring at the canister.

Lucretia wants so badly to open her mouth and make him promise something stupid. That he'll always love her, no matter what. But she just can't bring herself to ask. In the event of the worst happening, she's not sure she deserves that kind of promise. She exhales shakily.)

Want to open them together?

[Lucretia's fears are echoed in Taako, even if it's... different for him, because sure, he's the one with the power to forgive her, in the future, but he doesn't know if he can. He doesn't know if what she did to him can be forgiven.]

We could like, not?

[Maybe that's the coward's way out, but Taako's never been accused of bravery.]

It's really tempting.

(But she wants to know. And, if there's a chance that it does send her so far forward, some insight into the disastrous future will really lift a big weight from her shoulders. So maybe it doesn't all have to be negative.

Or maybe it'll only fill her in on a few cycles and she's completely overreacting right now.)

I'm going to, though. You know me.

I sure do, pumpkin.

[With a final swig of the vodka, he sets the bottle down and picks up the canister. He regards it for a moment without quiet looking at is, almost as if he's contemplating something else, and then he reaches out for Lucretia's hand.]

Let's, uh, yeah... we might as well do this shit together. I don't-- I dunno what's gonna be on the other side of this.

(She takes his hand and laces their fingers together: hopefully it isn't too apparent that hers is trembling.)

Neither. But I hope it's something good.

(She sticks the canister between her knees so she can twist the top off one handed, and gives Taako a nervous smile.) Good luck, Taako.

Good luck.

[Taako, who is a goddamn wizard, uses mage hand to pop the top off his canister.

And then he dies.

It's not quite that simple, because first he meets Joaquin and unlocks a stupid amount of magical power just from making a fucking taco, he reunites with Kravitz (thank fuck), helps them figure out a third option to defeat the Hunger, boards the Starblaster, fights John.

Those last few minutes, seeing that Lup has her shit handled on the material plane and then riding into battle on Garyl are fresh in his mind when he comes back to himself, as is the fact that after Lucretia cast her spell, the only thing he knows is that the world went totally white.

And he's pretty sure he just remembered himself dying.]

(Lucretia isn't aware of any of this happening to him, because the moment she pops her own canister open her vision goes black.

It takes a while to adjust to the speed with which the memories come rushing up out of the gloom. It's very quick pace, and yet she knows every single moment with a painful intimacy, staring where she had stopped with the Legato Conservatory and panning across the cycles ahead like a flip book, most of them uneventful, routine. And then: cycle sixty-five, which drags. Lucretia doubles over, grips Taako's hand like a lifeline and knowing he's there is the only thing that keeps her from sobbing aloud. Switching to the Hanging Arcaneum is a relief, the memories sliding seamlessly into Abeir-Toril.

And then it happens. She's writing her journal, the journal, compiling it out of everything she's ever written– there's Fisher, huge, singing in her tank as she consumes it and– Magnus, bursting in– sliding her hands underneath Taako's arms and forcing him to stand on his shaking legs– walking Merle down to the beach– the all-consuming panic that accompanies not knowing where Lup is and– Davenport, struck almost dumb, mumbling his own name over and over as she takes his hand in hers. Barry missing? Not part of the plan, not part of the plan, not part of the plan.

The year that follows is her second alone, but still brings the crushing isolation akin to cycle sixty-five with it. Lots of sleepless nights at her desk, and half-eaten meals. Searching for Lup and Barry when ever possible. Everything blends together in a swirl of memories and Lucretia can feel herself growing older, harder, more tired: Wonderland is another abrupt shift in the dynamic, an explosion of colour on the backs of her eyelids.

She is two years into her one year plan. Everything had finally been starting to slow down until she could count the days again and then Wonderland had stuck a stick into it and swirled everything around until she can't remember what time it it, or how long she's been there. It rushes her forward, skipping past the sacrifices, the personal pain, and comes to a screeching halt during something called The Escape Game. The elves are bearing down upon both her and Cam, offering her the chance to run and the last thing Lucretia remembers is accepting–

And then she comes to, and lets go of Taako's hand with a hard gasp, like she hadn't breathed once since she opened the canister. Perhaps that's why her chest aches. When she brings her hands in front of her, the canister clattering to the ground she's shocked by the sight of her aged skin, the stiffness of her joints. She presses her palms to her eyes in distress, nudging her glasses up her forehead– had she been crying, this entire time? Her face is wet with tears.)

Edited (idk this fucking timeline) 2017-08-27 11:05 (UTC)

[At least Lup is okay.

It's the first thought that springs to ind as Taako comes back to himself, feeling the canister in his hand, feeling his other one empty and it only takes a second for everything to click.

At which point he looks over at Lucretia, mouth open to ask her if she's alright, and something in his chest twists itself up into a knot. He's suddenly glad that Clark is gone, knowing that his heart must be racing right now and not wanting any kind of intrusion on this, even a comforting one. Because Lucretia is... herself, she's not so young that Taako can pretend she didn't tear his life apart.

He feels sick. She's crying, and he isn't sure he cares. He isn't even sure he can say anything, but maybe his expression says it all.]

(It takes her a little while to get herself under control again.

It would be so easy (even desirable at this point) for her to sink into herself and attempt to start untangling this but Taako's gaze on her burns like fire and she can't– she can't afford to do this right now. Later, later. She's held herself together over worse than this. Lucretia is well versed in suffering alone.

Finally, the tears stop, and she wipes them away with her thumbs while sucking in shuddering breaths. It's so strange to think that this Taako not only knows who she is, but is far enough ahead to have broken through what was left of her plans to the other side of it, towards the... the end.

How far along is this? She can't remember if he ever told her.)

What did you see? (She manages, eventually. Even her voice sounds different: quieter, calmer. She isn't quite ready to look up at him. Will he even want to tell her what he saw?)

[Lucretia cries and Taako reaches shakily for the bottle of vodka, wanting to do literally anything but look at her, and right now he doesn't trust himself to walk away, so drinking it is, while he stares at the coffee table.

Her voice cuts through his thoughts, but he still can't look at her.]

We won. Your stupid fucking plan was never gonna work, but Istus reminded me there was a third option. We put your shield around the Hunger and cut the bonds.

[We died.

He remembers white, whiteness and nothing, and surely that's what death is. He remembers kissing Kravtiz, before leaving for one final trip on the Starblaster, and wonders if he'll see him again in the astral plane.]

(When she does look up at him finally, her vision is a bit blurred even with her glasses on. Figures that her prescription would have become worse over time: she just lost, what, twenty years of her life? She remembers throwing it away easily, even gleefully, seizing the opportunity to change her appearance to better suit how old she truly feels which is... one hundred and twenty-eight years old, give or take a few. Wow.)

I– did you say around the Hunger? ... Huh. (She blinks, sitting up straight in place and receiving her canister from the ground. She turns it slowly in both hands, palms tracing over where her name is etched into the side.

Around the Hunger. That... makes a lot of sense, actually.)

Yeah, it's almost like we had some good fucking ideas when we know what we're up against.

[He can't help the anger bubbling up beneath the surface, now that she's here, the version of Lucretia that hurt him.

It isn't the first time he's faced her, it was just different during the mess with the chalice when he knew it wouldn't be permanent, when they had other things to focus on. There's no changing this, though. From here on in they have to live with this.]

Okay, okay.

(It's going to be like this now, isn't it.

A familiar wave of guilt washes over Lucretia; her expression remains careful, neutral. She doesn't know how she's supposed to address this; she's assuming that in the time that he's from, she has explained herself to him already. What else can she do? She reaches a hand up and rubs her shoulder slowly.)

But we– we won. You said that we won.

[It's not even remotely okay, but he knows a dismissal when he hears one, even if part of him wants to keep pushing it.]

I mean, you cast the spell and the world fucking dropped away to some white bullshit. Kinda guessed that's a success.

[He doesn't remember being killed; he definitely took more than a few hits, but it wasn't like dying from bleeding out, more just... a sudden nothingness. Maybe from being trapped in the bubble with the Hunger.]

Okay.

(It sounds positive enough, but does she dare to let herself hope for a victory over the Hunger from her respective point in the timeline? Lucretia glances at the coffee table and picks up the second shot that Taako had poured for her earlier (during a moment that now feels like it was a lifetime ago), downing it in one. She's dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions right now and knowing that she will successfully cast her altered shield spell when the time finally calls for it is adding excited into the mix, something she feels a bit badly for.

Her next statement is tentative, testing the waters.)

That's... good, then.

[He can't do this.

This isn't the first time he's run from something, it isn't even the first time he's run from this, and he's sure it won't be the last, but right now he can't sit here and talk about - about any of this.

There's just one thing he has to know.]

When? When is it, for you?

(She can sense that he's close to snapping. He's locked up on the couch beside her like he's torn between fight or flight and since she won't allow him to come at her, the second option is the only one that stands. He'll be gone soon, and who knows when she'll next see him face-to-face? He is part of her heart, and Lucretia has known him for far too long to not know exactly how this will go. If he truly doesn't want her to see him, then she won't.

It's so hard. The ache of knowing he's here after so long without contact from any of them burns her in the most complex of ways. She has missed him, so dearly.)

Wonderland. (She supplies, and folds her hands in her lap.) I just escaped from Wonderland.

Barry's fucking bell.

[And Cam, and the liches who now remind him of himself and Lup in all the wrong ways. Like what they could've ended up if Lup wasn't as kind as she was, if he was a little more selfish, if things had ever been a little more desperate.

But now he knows, and that's all he wanted. That's all he could handle, right now.

Without another word, only one last glance at Lucretia, Taako disappears.]

(closed) god, it’s been a hell of a week

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whew soz

u should be

(im not)

i know

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