riverviewlogs | [open] cancel your reservations

Entry tags:

[open] cancel your reservations

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all, amnesia event
when: august
where: anywhere; if you want a starter, please hit me up!
warnings: discussion of murder, use of alcohol to cope, will add more as needed

i. pre-amnesia (august 5-10)

[ Cisco knows that he is probably opening himself up to a world of headaches and unnecessary trouble, but there have been plenty of new arrivals, and more and more he is noticing that people who show up from non-technologically advanced worlds simply have no support system to really teach them all the cool things they can do even with their phones, not to mention other machines and devices. So, one day when there's a lull between projects for the RPD and other emergency services, he goes to a print shop and has flyers made:

TECHNOLOGICAL CULTURE SHOCK??? NEED LESSONS ON HOW TO USE YOUR PHONE, LAPTOP, OR OTHER ELECTRONIC GADGET??? STOP BY THE ADDRESS BELOW FOR A FREE INFORMAL LESSON!!!

Normally it's the kind of announcement he would make over the network, but what if someone is really struggling and can't even get on there? No, flyers seem like the way to go for this crowd. Cisco adds some fine print at the bottom, below the address for his workshop, but all it says is:

*NO HIDDEN AGENDA JUST A HELPFUL DUDE WANTING TO SHARE THE WONDERS OF TECHNOLOGY, LESSONS ARE FREE BUT TRIBUTE PAID IN CANDY IS ALWAYS ACCEPTED]

ii. amnesia (august 12-19)

[ The changes in Cisco are not, at first, as obvious as they may be in other people. He remembers Riverview, and everyone he has met here, and all the details of his life in this place. He remembers his name, all the movies and video games that he loves, all the technical skills and scientific know-how necessary for his job. He even remembers most stuff about his own past - that he worked at S.T.A.R. Labs, that he's a member of Team Flash and friend to Barry Allen. That he is a metahuman, with various abilities tied to manipulating multidimensional energy.

The only thing that has been carved away from his memory is, in fact, Eobard Thawne. Cisco doesn't remember his mentor's betrayal, or being murdered, or the circumstances that surrounded him discovering his powers. All of the shame and dread he's been carrying about his powers, because of Eobard and the things he'd said and done, has just vanished. In addition, Cisco's trauma over that whole experience is, for the moment, covered over. To anyone who knows him even a little he will seem inexplicably younger. Quicker to smile and laugh, volumes more trusting, and also a lot more inclined to talk about some guy named Dr. Wells in a positive, even devoted manner.

Cisco will spend this week doing what he usually does - working at his workshop (still offering those lessons), trying out new restaurants, shopping for graphic tees and games and movies, exploring the safe parts of the city a little - but with an extra spring in his step. If you've wanted your character to find out about him being a metahuman, now would be a good time for it! ]

iii. post-amnesia (august 20-31)

[ The not-remembering? Had been good. But when that's done, and all of Cisco's memories are restored to him, the transition is... rough. Putting it mildly. Back when all of it had happened, there had been so much going on - one life-or-death situation after the other - that he hadn't had time to linger too much on how he was changing, being shaped into an older, sadder, more broken version of himself.

Now, though, there is no big crisis, no distraction to divert his attention. One minute he is the old, sunny Cisco - the one he still thinks of as the person he was supposed to be - and the next, it all comes rushing back. The contrast is stark, and it's kind of fucking him up a little. Or, rather, a lot.

He goes back to having nightmares almost as often as he did in those first weeks after his death, which means he isn't getting a whole lot of sleep, and it shows in the dark circles under his eyes. Cisco withdraws somewhat - not enough to worry that he's abandoning anyone, but he takes longer to answer texts, doesn't reach out to people first, doesn't go out and about in the evenings. He is quieter, with considerably more strain behind his smiles. He throws himself into his work, staying in his workshop long hours, sometimes falling asleep there, for a few fitful hours. When he can't work any more, he spends a little more time than he should in some nearby bars, drinking a little more than he ought to, trying not to think about the person he is now compared to the person he was the week before. ]

iv. misc

[ Come plot something! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Cisco nods against Eddie's shoulder, indicating that he understands Eddie is alive and alright, even if he hasn't always been that way. But still, once his arms are wrapped around Eddie, Cisco gives a few more hiccupy, shuddery sobs. He squeezes tightly, seeking comfort but also trying to give it. Eddie might be putting a brave and patient face on all of this, but it can't be easy. Cisco is aware of that.

When he finally pulls away, he doesn't move that far, stays closer to where Eddie is in the bed, their knees touching. Cisco tucks his hair back behind his ears, his eyes and nose quite red from the tears. But he wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand, sniffs a little, and says: ]

Tell me. I can handle it, too. [ It shouldn't be on Eddie, to bear with any accidental pain, when the solution is so simple. ] I'll believe you. Whatever you say.

[ There is a simple, effortless trust in that. When Taako had tried to explain, Cisco had resisted, argued with him, ended up snapping much more harshly than is his custom. But he'd been wrong, and he sees that now. So this time, he's not going to try to fight it. He's not going to demand proof. He is just going to listen, and believe. ]

[Cisco is still sobbing, though not as much as he was earlier, his face pressed against Eddie's shoulder, squeezing at him, and Eddie can feel the empathy, the care there. Closing his eyes, he turns his head and presses his face into Cisco's hair, squeezing him back, rubbing his fingertips through his hair and pressing his palm against his back, comforting him in turn.

And then, when Cisco pulls away but stays close, close enough that their knees touch and Eddie can reach out, place his hand on Cisco's knee and squeeze it gently, supporting him while he answers. Says he can handle it and that he'll believe him.]

Okay. Good. Because I would never, never lie to you, Cisco. Okay? I promise you.

[After a moment, he takes a breath, holds it, and then lets it out slow and even.]

This is going to sound a little crazy, but I'm going to start from the beginning. Speedsters and time travel. Do you remember when Barry went back in time for a day and the timeline changed?

[Eddie pauses for a moment, waiting for a response before continuing.]

[ Cisco nods, solemnly, accepting Eddie's promise. Once he's done that, he waits, hands twisted together in his lap, not wanting to rush Eddie. His heart is still beating very fast, but he thinks that was probably just all the caffeine he'd consumed soon before he came here; all the same, it doesn't exactly soothe his current fraught emotions.

When Eddie asks his question, Cisco responds promptly and also instinctively. ]

Yeah.

[ That initial answer is confident, self-contained and complete. Except that the moment he says it, Cisco tries to recall the precise day, some of its details, and there's... gaps. Not the sort of gaps one expects in memory, for uneventful afternoons or childhood birthday parties. This is something just at the tip of his brain, that he knows he ought to remember, but can't quite seem to reach it. So he adds, after a second or two, brow furrowed. ]

I think parts are missing. I know it happened, just... there are holes.

That's okay, if parts are missing. I just wanted to make sure you knew about speedsters and time travel.

[For a few moments, he's still, then he reaches out to take Cisco's hand with the hand that's not clasped against Cisco's knee. Taking a deep breath, again, to steady himself, he continues after a moment, making eye contact with Cisco and holding it while he speaks.]

What Taako said was true, that Dr. Wells was lying to all of us. He was lying about who he was, and where he came from. He was an impostor, who was only wearing the face of Dr. Wells, and his real name was Eobard Thawne. He kidnapped me, just a few days before I came here, and confessed about who he was.

[A pause, and he gives Cisco a moment to process that, still holding eye contact. Holding Cisco's hand, holding his knee, his expression genuine and direct.]

I didn't believe it at first, when he told me he was my descendant, from the future, and a speedster. He traveled back in time because he and Barry were enemies. But he showed me a newspaper from the future, about Barry, and I saw him do superspeed.

[ It's not like this is entirely unexpected - if one part of the absolutely absurd, impossible story were true, why not another part as well? Still, it is different somehow, hearing it from Eddie. Knowing this isn't second-hand information and rumor, as it must by necessity have been for Taako, who had never even met Dr. Wells. Eddie had met him. He'd been to his home, after that incident with Hartley Rathaway, had seen him here and there at S.T.A.R. Labs and when the group of them traveled to the CCPD. ]

He kidnapped...? [ Cisco can't help but interject it, but then he manages to quiet himself, lets Eddie keep talking to get further in the story. He should hear all of it, before he begins the barrage of confused questions, and only after he's dealt with those will he be able to afford to feel much of anything about this. ]

So Dr. Wells isn't paralyzed? I spent all that time at the hospital with him, and it was just a trick?

[ Pretty sick joke, as far as Cisco's concerned. He'd been worried out of his mind, while the media had its protracted feeding frenzy. ]

You're saying he's... the Reverse Flash, right? Dr. Wells actually is he man in yellow?

[Eddie pauses when Cisco blurts that question about Wells kidnapping him, gives him a moment and responds with just a nod. After Eddie finishes, he leaves a bit of time for Cisco to process it, to sort out his questions, and then ask them. Eddie swallows hard and nods, his eyes still on Cisco's, holding contact.]

No. He was faking being paralyzed. I'm sorry, Cisco. It was just...it was all a lie. He was the man in yellow, the Reverse Flash, and he stole the real Dr. Wells' face and he lived his life so he could get close to Barry, after he killed his mother. It was all a really, really elaborate revenge plan and you...you and me and Iris and Caitlin and everyone else...we were just collateral damage. And that sucks. It sucks a lot.

[Licking his lips, Eddie swallows, and leans in.]

When Barry went back in time and erased that timeline...part of what he erased was you, figuring it out about Eobard. You're smart, you put it together, and he...

[A pause, and he holds his breath, his eyes going wet, but he keeps speaking, his voice a little shaky, but he keeps going.]

He killed you. When Barry changed the timeline, you remembered that, and it's when your powers started to surface. You thought it was a bad dream, but it was real. And I found out about that. In the end...he threatened everyone, he said he was going to kill everyone that Barry had ever cared about, one by one, and I knew he could do it.

[A pause, and then, softly, eyes still locked on Cisco's.]

Except me. Because I was his ancestor. And so when I realized that, I shot myself. In the heart. And when I died that meant he couldn't be born, so he disappeared.

[ Cisco doesn't say anything as Eddie speaks; he tries to keep his reaction to a minimum, not wanting to be distracting. But he has always had a very open face, and that is only amplified by the fact that emotions have been running high for a while now, both when he'd confronted Taako and then asked Eddie about his death. So it is written clearly across his features: the dawning understanding, the realization of just how far this all stretches.

Eddie isn't saying that something happened to make Wells turn on them, but rather, that he had never been on their side. That every decision, every gesture, every smile, every word, was suspect. And that's already a whole lot to process - not knowing if he'd ever meant anything at all to Dr. Wells or if it had been all some sort of strategy.

But then Eddie is getting emotional, and Cisco's attention returns to him fully - he doesn't have time to speculate, now. He can save that for later on, in the dead of night when he is alone. As Eddie's talking he scoots just a tiny bit closer, concern creasing his brow, and Eddie says that Dr. Wells killed him. Which is.... impossible. Sure, Cisco knows it is scientifically possible, that Barry could time travel and change events. He knows that his powers allow him to see timelines that have been changed that way, but he doesn't know how he knows that. How could he know, unless Barry had done it? But there is just a gap in his memory where that knowledge should be. ]

You shot...?

[ And Cisco can see how it is coming together, the abstract narrative of it. Eddie had said he was going to explain how he died, and all the pieces fit. But it's like a story about different people - Cisco can't reconcile it with their actual lives. He pictures Eddie, bringing a gun up to his own chest, thinking it was the only way to save his friends... ]

Sucks doesn't even begin to cover it. Do I? [ And Cisco tugs at the neck of his shirt, looking at his chest. He doesn't know what he's expecting to see - a scar there to match Eddie's that he just somehow hadn't noticed? But he's reacting to this all in the moment, without time to process at all first. ] No, I guess I wouldn't have one, because... you said Barry reset it, which... he didn't do for you, for some reason, and... I don't even know why I assumed a gun, I mean, maybe he... pushed me off a roof or poisoned me or...

[ Which is about as far as Cisco gets before he's covering his mouth with his hand, the weight of all of it finally starting to hit him. It isn't like amnesia in movies - he doesn't remember, magically, once the story is told to him. It's more like if someone told him what was going to happen to him in the future - it's personal, and he understands some of the context, the implications, the people involved. But it doesn't quite feel real. Which is probably the only reason why he feels only a little bit like he's going to be sick. ]

Did he... do you know if he- [ It's an awful question to ask. Eddie is saying he had died to erase this person, this Eobard, and Cisco hates that that was necessary. He probably doesn't know the answer to this question - probably no one does. But Cisco can't hold it in. His voice is cracked and weepy but he blinks hard and manages to keep himself from shedding any more tears as he asks: ] Did he even care about me at all?

[Eddie isn't lost in his own feelings enough to not realize how this is affecting Cisco - he can see it, written across his face. He can see the tears still in his eyes and on his cheeks, and Eddie squeezes Cisco's hand, gentle and careful, supporting him as much as he can. In Eddie's mind, it doesn't matter that he's the one who had died or any of that, his pain and grief doesn't matter as much as Cisco's, because right now he's just recounting it. Cisco is learning it for what feels like the first time, and Cisco is right.

Sucks doesn't even begin to cover it.

When Cisco pulls his shirt out, looks down the front of it, Eddie winces, and lowers his gaze for a moment. Weighs his options, and then exhales, his breath coming soft and a bit rough.]

He used his hand. To phase through your chest, and damage your heart.

[It's said carefully, and then Cisco is covering his mouth and speaking with his voice all cracked and broken and thick with tears, and Eddie wants to hug him again as he tries to get his question out, and it's hard because his voice keeps cracking, and he keeps having to stop himself from crying. Every neuron of Eddie's is firing with a desperate desire to make it better for Cisco, to help somehow, but there's nothing he can do. There's nothing he can say to ease the pain of this. So he just keeps squeezing his hand, gentle and firm, and when Cisco asks his question, Eddie's eyes sink shut for a moment before he opens them again, looks Cisco in his eyes.]

I don't know if he's capable of caring about anyone but himself. I think...as much as he can care about someone, he cared about you. I think he thought he did. It's just that I doubt he had any kind of meaningful capacity for it. I'm sorry, Cisco.

[A pause, and then, quietly, very quietly, his eyes still on Cisco's.]

And I know it doesn't mean anything, coming from me, because I'm not him, I'm not the person you trusted and thought of as a mentor and all of that, but...but the fact that he was a fake doesn't mean you're not worth that kind of care and affection, okay? I care about you. A lot of people care about you. I'm so glad you're here with me and alive. Okay?

[ If it were happening to someone else, Cisco might be curious about why that one detail was different than the others. For everything that Eddie had told him, he had remembered nothing - there hadn't been any sense of recognition or rightness, any instinctive response at all. But when he says that Dr. Wells had phased his hand through Cisco's chest, had killed him by damaging his heart, something does happen. The fear comes on suddenly, a flood, and he freezes.

There's no reason he knows why this should be different, and yet the moment Eddie says those words, he feels utter and paralyzing terror. It goes beyond what he thinks he would feel, just finding out that Dr. Wells had killed him in such an unusually hands-on and up-close way. It's as if some part of him, deeper than whatever parts of his brain the amnesia is effecting, recognizes the truth of it, and remembers.

The feeling is mercifully brief, but it further convinces him that this isn't some mistake or trick on all of them (he doesn't think Eddie's lying, but what if HIS memories were tampered with?). And what a coincidence, that he finds that certainty just before Eddie says, essentially, what sounds like an elaborate 'no'. After all, "he isn't capable of caring about anyone" still means that Wells had feigned caring for Cisco. That it had been about what use he could get out of him, more than anything else.

Cisco laughs, then. It's cracked and soft and audibly just this side of completely breaking down. Eddie had exactly anticipated what he would think next. Eddie can say that none of that means Cisco is unloveable, but that doesn't actually make it true. The evidence suggests otherwise, strongly. Sure, Eddie cares about him. But Eddie cares about everybody. Eddie is the kind of guy who would shoot himself in the chest just to keep everyone safe - being someone he cares about is roughly the same as being alive.

And yes, Caitlin loved him in her way, or at least he'd thought so until she just... disappeared for months, hardly texted him back. He had wanted to be patient and understanding while she went through a tough time, but it was hard not to re-evaluate how much he really mattered to her. The same had been true for Barry, who said they were best friends, but caught bullets that Joe had fired to save Cisco's life.

He can't actually seem to stop laughing, which is a new and frightening thing (though who knows - maybe this is normal for him and he's just forgotten that along with the rest). Eventually he forces himself to suck in a long breath to disrupt the momentum of those shivery awful giggles and says, as if it's a joke: ]

Pretty sure that's exactly what it means.

[ Cisco pulls his hand from Eddie's hold, wiping at the corners of his eyes with the heel of his palm and thinking how very incontrovertible the evidence is. The funny thing, the thing that had made him laugh just now, was the fact that he should have known it all along. Every time he's thought that maybe he was special to someone, it turned out to be too good to be true. Even with Eddie, during that blackout. Too good to be true. But he can't risk saying that out loud, because it would be cruel, to make Eddie feel guilty for not wanting him. Cisco can hardly blame him after all. ]

It's okay, though. It's- I'm fine. I should- I should go, I think I actually need to um. Cry for a couple of hours, and I've bothered you enough. Th-thank you for telling me and. Saving my life.

[ And Cisco starts scooting towards the edge of the bed, intending to make it out of the room before he breaks down completely. ]

[It feels like Eddie's throat is closed up, like he's got a lump comprised entirely of broken glass in his throat, watching Cisco recoil when he mentions how he was killed, watching the fear and hurt cross his face, watching as he starts laughing and can't stop. It goes on for an uncomfortably long time while Eddie's gut clenches and aches with anxiety and regret and fear and a desperate longing to make things better for Cisco, somehow, to make all of this go away, to make him happy again, somehow. Because Eddie's not sure he's ever heard something as terrible as the way Cisco laughs, helpless and devoid of any kind of humour, empty and hopeless and awful.

When Cisco blurts out, like it's a joke, like it's funny, that he's pretty sure that him being unlovable is exactly what it means, Eddie makes a soft choking noise, and the moment Cisco is pulling his hand away from his, he's reaching out, closing his hand over Cisco's other knee. He wants contact, he doesn't want Cisco to withdraw like that, even though he realizes with an abrupt stab of pain, that Cisco is dismissing Eddie's affection, his care, as if it doesn't count.]

Cisco...come on, hey, that is absolutely not what it means, please...

[Biting himself off as Cisco starts speaking again, saying he's fine and it's okay and then immediately saying he needs to cry for a couple of hours, which completely contradicts the 'being okay' bit. For a moment, Eddie just looks at him, his brows furrowed, and then he shakes his head.]

No. You haven't bothered me, Cisco.

[A pause, and then Eddie makes a decision, firm and immediate.]

You're not going anywhere. Stay here with me, okay? I want you to stay, for the rest of the night, even. If you have to cry, I want to be here to hold you and touch your hair. I know...I know I'm not Dr. Wells. I can't give you what you needed from him, I know...

[His voice chokes off because it hurts, but he doesn't want to make this about himself, doesn't want to change the subject to his hurt feelings because this is about Cisco. Cisco is the one in distress. So he forces himself to talk through it.]

And I know that the fact I care doesn't count for nearly as much. But I hope...I hope it's something.

[Gently, Eddie reaches out for him, unaware of how stricken his expression looks, his hand extended to Cisco, trembling slightly.]

Please, Cisco.

[ Cisco hadn't expected that - for Eddie to reach out again, to stop him. It was one thing, to hug him and be as patient as he can when Cisco had barged in demanding answers. But it's quite another to prevent him from leaving, when he tried to do so on his own. Eddie's too polite to kick anyone out, but now Eddie is actively stopping him from retreating to the privacy of his room to lick his wounds in solitude.

He had only had a few more moments of composure left in him, and they never stood a chance when Eddie is talking about wanting to hold him and touch his hair, asking him to stay all night so he doesn't have to be alone with this awful knowledge. And just for a second Cisco feels a little surge of hope, and happiness. It is tiny, dwarfed by the magnitude of his grief and self-loathing. But it is there. ]

What? [ Cisco stops trying to pull away, looking back towards Eddie. ] Why would you think... of course you count as much.

[ But even in the awful fog of his misery Cisco can see the logic of Eddie's reaction. He said he cared about Cisco, Cisco replied that no one cared about him. To Eddie, it must sound like Cisco is saying he is no one. He has to explain his logic - carefully, without letting himself come anywhere near his feelings of rejection - so that Eddie will understand what he'd really meant. ]

I just meant- you're like... the opposite of somebody who's not capable of caring about anybody but himself. You're this total hero and a great guy and you... you care about everybody. You cared about Barry even when stuff was so weird between him and Iris. You care about Yuri even when he's being very Yuri. [ Cisco manages a sliver of a brittle smile, then, wiping a fresh tear from his cheek. ] You care about the cats, and the people you save at work even when they're awful. You just- you care about everybody. It's what you do. Default setting. And that's what's so great about you.

[ Cisco can't bear how heartbroken Eddie looks, and that he'd made him look that way. He lets his head fall forward, shoulders shaking now with the effort of holding back sobs. ]

But that doesn't change the fact that- that nobody could ever- that I'm so-

[ He can't finish that sentence, gives his head a little shake instead. It's all he can do to keep that laughter from bubbling up again. ]

Edited 2017-08-19 13:18 (UTC)

[Eddie is still for a few moments, waiting for Cisco's response, his reaction, to see if he'll insist on leaving or if he'll give in and stay the way Eddie wants him to. When Cisco stops trying to pull away and looks at him, Eddie feels a little surge of relief, at least until Cisco asks him why he would think he doesn't count as much. And how can Eddie explain that, without shifting the focus from Cisco to himself the way he's trying so hard not to?

But then Cisco is explaining, how he sees Eddie as this person who can care about everyone, cites so many examples - Barry and Yuri and the cats and people at work. Says it like how he cares about Cisco is the same as Barry or people at work, a default, and he's shaking his head even before Cisco sobs out that nobody could ever, that he's so...]

Look, Cisco, I don't know what you think you are, but people...

[For a moment, he feels an intense wall of frustration. At himself, for not being able to just tell Cisco about all the complicated feelings he's been having, for not being able to convince Cisco that he's worthwhile, that he can't just...make everything better, again. That he doesn't know how to express all the complicated things going on in his mind and find some perfect, eloquent way to make Cisco believe how special and amazing he is.

And then he pushes past that wall, and reaches out, and it's bad that he doesn't ask first, he knows, but he needs to be holding Cisco. So he gets to his knees, wraps his arms around him, and pulls him close against himself, as much as he can, his arms around him. Eddie speaks, tries not to censor himself too much, tries to let go of wanting it to sound perfect and scripted like the final scene in a romcom.]

That's not how I care about you, Cisco. Not like Barry or Yuri or the cats or the people at work. This...how I feel about you, it's not default. You're important. You're special. I...

[Gently, he squeezes Cisco, eyes sinking closed.]

You're more than my best friend. It's not just that. It's all...complicated and hard to put into words and I'm scared of it, a little, but it's more than that. I just can't stand to hear you say no one could care about you when you matter so much to me, and all I want to do is be around you all the time, and hear your jokes and your voice and look at your face.

[ Cisco is too emotional to have any pretense or defenses left at all; when Eddie pulls him into an embrace, he sinks into it at once, leaning his weight against Eddie, hiding his face gratefully in the curve between Eddie's neck and shoulder. It just feels good, being held like this. Good enough to pierce through the thick haze of self-hatred and ignite another little spark of hope. Maybe he is wrong about himself. Maybe... just maybe he isn't entirely repulsive after all.

He isn't even aware of any of the struggle it is costing Eddie, choosing the words he does and expressing himself. All Cisco knows is that Eddie is saying he doesn't care only in the same way he cares about everybody else, but that there is more to it. That Cisco is important to him, that he wants to be around him, listen to him. He talks about wanting to drink in Cisco's presence in a way that echoes just how Cisco feels about Eddie.

Cisco feels it happening like it is a physical sensation - his hopes, getting lifted up from rock bottom. Eddie says that Cisco matters to him, in particular. That he is special. And Cisco wants so badly to believe it. To just, for once, really mean something to someone. To not only be tolerated, or casually liked. But to be loved - or at least, enjoyed - in a personal way.]

You promise?

[ The words are, at least, different from before. They are small, but the despair that had been so thick in his voice before is gone, replaced by fragile, tentative hope.

He shouldn't even be entertaining this - he should know better. This will turn out to be too good to be true, just like always. But if this is a stupid, near-sighted mistake, it is one that Cisco wants to make, badly. He continues clinging to Eddie, resting most of his weight against Eddie's steady bare chest. ]

Why are you scared?

[Cisco sinks against him, and Eddie gathers him up immediately, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, the other coming up into his hair, stroking at it, fingers smoothing through it, the tips of them curling against his scalp for a moment before sliding down through the warm, smooth strands of it. He can feel Cisco's breath against his throat, his warm cheek pressed against Eddie's bare shoulder, and he shifts, slightly, rocking their bodies just a little as he holds him, in an instinctive attempt to comfort.

When Cisco asks, his voice muffled against the side of Eddie's neck, against his shoulder, if he promises, and the words are so soft and small and hopeful, with some of that desperation and pain drained out of it. It sounds so vulnerable, the way he asks it, that Eddie feels an intense surge of emotion, an overwhelming mixture of anxiety and desire and affection and want so thick he can practically taste it. His arms tense slightly as he holds Cisco, pulling him in a bit closer as Cisco leans against him more, the solid weight of his body against Eddie's bare skin.]

I promise.

[When Cisco asks him why he's scared, he closes his eyes tight and buries his face into the side of Cisco's head. And because of that overwhelming surge of emotion, because of how vulnerable Cisco's voice is, because he's sleepy and feeling vulnerable himself, because he wants Cisco to understand how much he's wanted, how lovable he is, he answers honestly. More honestly than he should, at any rate.]

It scares me because...because after what happened, during the blackout, I tried to put some distance because I didn't...you know, I didn't want you to be another rebound, I didn't want things to turn out like they did with Taako. But it's not that easy.

[His voice is soft, and quiet, and he closes his eyes, nuzzling against the side of Cisco's head.]

I wanted to take it slow, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and I'm scared because what I'm feeling is just so damn big, it's so much. I know that sounds stupid.

[Burying his face into Cisco's hair, he inhales the scent of it, his eyes closed.]

I just can't stand to hear you say that about yourself, when all I want is to hold you and rush into things I should take my time with.

Edited 2017-08-20 05:02 (UTC)

[ Cisco doesn't say anything at first; he had heard every word, but it takes him some time to parse through them, to repeat them over and over, turn them upside down and inside out and make sure - extra double triple quadruple sure - that he is not misinterpreting. All that time, he stays curled close to Eddie, feeling the warmth coming off him, the slight shift of his shoulders and chest as he breathes. He can feel Eddie's breath in his hair, too, and the way Eddie nuzzles against him ever so gently.

He swallows a few times before speaking, and though his voice is still heavy with emotion, it is no longer choked up with tears that are threatening to come at any moment. ]

I thought... I thought you didn't want...

[ Cisco can't do this not looking at Eddie; he has to be able to see his face, to look for even a flickering sign of discomfort, or a lie. He pulls away, dark eyes standing out even more on his face with the red around his eyes from crying. Cisco waits until Eddie is looking at him, gnawing nervously at his lower lip before forcing himself to keep speaking, to tell the truth, ugly and embarrassing as it is. ]

When we talked that morning you said all you could offer was, y'know, only friendship for now. But... everybody knows that's just a soft way of saying 'no'. Like, you didn't want to hurt my feelings, 'cause we're friends and we live together and you're a really nice person, but that... what we did was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. Nobody ever says 'let's just be friends for now' unless they mean 'I don't actually want you'.

[ Cisco had thought that was clear - that both of them were on the same page with this. All the awkwardness between them since then had been because Eddie knew that Cisco was still pining for him, but just wasn't interested. It was always awkward, when two people were aware of an unrequited thing like that. Sure, there had been a tiny speck of hope, and on occasion Cisco had wondered if maybe someday when they were drunk again Eddie might suggest some kind of friends with benefits arrangement...

But now Eddie is saying that not only is he feeling things, but feeling them enough that it frightens him, and he wants to hold him and rush into things that Cisco hadn't even realized he was trying to approach more slowly. ]

Edited 2017-08-20 13:15 (UTC)

[For a long time, Cisco is quiet, leaning against Eddie with his face pressed into the crook of his neck, his breath warm against Eddie's skin, his body moving slightly as he breathes and his heart beats. Eddie's own heart is speeding up as he waits for a response, and he knows, he knows that Cisco probably needs time to process and figure out what he wants to say in return, what he feels. Eddie knows he's pushing it, he's putting too much on Cisco when Cisco is already obviously upset and distraught. This is a bad time, it was stupid to bring it up now, and he squeezes gently at Cisco's shoulders as he he debates changing the subject, apologizing for even mentioning this.

But then Cisco is saying he thought Eddie didn't want...and he's pulling back to look at him. In the dim light from his bedside lamp, Cisco's face looks almost painfully beautiful, framed by his hair, with his full lips and his dark eyes outlined in red from his tears, and Eddie feels a wave of attraction and want and protectiveness. Swallowing hard, Eddie lets Cisco speak, lets him explain what's on his mind, what has been on his mind all this time, and a lump forms in his throat as he realizes the miscommunication that's happened. By the time Cisco is saying that, that he thought Eddie had meant 'I don't actually want you' Eddie is shaking his head.]

No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant what I said, that just for now I felt like it would be better. It just didn't feel right, starting something between us like that, so soon after what happened with Taako...that's how it started with him. A good night together, and then something physical, and falling into something without talking about it, without making sure we were on the same page, wanting the same thing, and it didn't work. It doesn't work that way. I don't want us to end up like that, hurting each other because we didn't take the time to talk about it and make sure it was going to be good for both of us.

[Lifting a hand, Eddie gently tucks Cisco's hair back behind an ear, brushes his knuckles against Cisco's cheek, his eyes on Cisco's face, his expression open and genuine.]

You're worth more than that. And the only...the only thing that was a mistake about what we did is that...that it made everything confusing and complicated when I should've just waited until I was sure I was healed up, after Taako, and then asked you out properly. But I don't regret it, and when I said I wanted to be friends for now, I really meant, just for now. You're so full of kindness and compassion and you deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion yourself, you deserve me...taking my time, so I don't hurt you.

[ Cisco listens as Eddie speaks, heart beating fast now. He feels a little foolish, that he has had the wrong idea this whole time. That Eddie had said one thing and Cisco had just assumed, based on everybody else, that he really meant another. But Eddie isn't like everybody else. Cisco ought to know that by now. He should have asked for clarification, only he had thought there was nothing that needed clarifying. He didn't want to harass Eddie, to be the guy who couldn't take a fucking hint.

And it's a little funny, too. How in his desire to not repeat the mistakes of his past, in a way Eddie had done just that. They hadn't communicated very well, the both of them. Cisco, as is his inclination, is more inclined to blame himself for the mistake than to blame Eddie. ]

Oh.

[ Cisco can't seem to tear his eyes away from Eddie's face. He inclines his head just a little, so that he can press his cheek against that brush of Eddie's knuckles, like he's seeking out every little bit of contact, chasing after it, trying to prolong it. ]

That's-

[ His eyes are swimming again, but there's a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Everything is awful and his memory is full of holes and apparently his life is a lot more terrible than he'd realized, but at least there is this one good thing. Eddie, saying Cisco is kind and compassionate, that he deserves kindness and compassion. ]

We can... we can still do that. When you... feel like you're ready, if you ever do. You can ask me out. And I'll say yes.

[ Even as he's saying it, there is that fear again, that feeling that even the imagined scenario is much too good to be true. It's much more likely that, after he's had some time to properly think about it, Eddie will realize there are better options out there, that Cisco isn't actually worth anything at all. He doesn't want Eddie to feel obligated by his past words, so he says: ]

And if you decide you've change your mind and you don't- and the two of us are a no go, you can just tell me that, too, and I won't make it weird, I promise.

[ He'd much rather know right away, once Eddie makes his decision, so he can move on with his life, start the process of accepting it and burying that torch he'd been carrying for good.

Cisco finally pulls his gaze from Eddie, staring down at his hands as he clears his throat and says: ]

In the interests of... communicating a bit better than we have been, I, uh. I feel like I oughta just admit that the blackout wasn't... the start of it, for me. I've been into you for um. A while longer. But you were with Taako, and so obviously it didn't matter at all, because you two seemed happy. And then after you broke up, I didn't want to... you were so adamant about not dating anyone for a while and I wanted to respect that, plus I just assumed you know, you're like... so far out of my league, anyway. So... I think maybe that's why things got complicated so fast, for me.

[ Cisco gives a tiny little shrug: it's not an excuse for anything, and maybe Eddie had already guessed as much. But it feels good, admitting the truth, explicitly. Just laying his cards on the table. ]

Did you really mean it, that I can sleep here? I don't... I don't really want to be alone, right now.

[It doesn't escape Eddie, the irony that he'd accidentally made the mistake he was trying to avoid by saying what he thought was something clear. He'd thought that Cisco would understand what he meant when he said he wanted to be friends for now, in the interim, that he needed to have some space to make sure that this is going to be good for both of them.]

I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. I thought I was but I completely missed how it would sound, and everything was so awkward...I'm sorry.

[But Cisco doesn't look mad or disappointed or like he wants to recoil, instead he leans in, presses his cheek against Eddie's hand and says that they can still do that, that if Eddie wants to ask him out, he'll say yes. And suddenly, Eddie's heart is pounding hard and it takes everything in him not to just ask Cisco now, right here, in bed, in the middle of the night after a difficult conversation and tears, to be with him, his boyfriend, partner, whatever.

But it's the wrong time. It feels wrong, when they're both so emotionally vulnerable, especially Cisco, wanting to be wanted because of what he'd just learned about someone he loved so much. So Eddie bites his tongue, and just shakes his head.]

I don't think I'm gonna change my mind, Cisco. It's not a whim, it's... [He shake his head, exhales softly.] It's you. You're amazing.

[And after a moment, he exhales, heavily, his eyes on Cisco's while Cisco explains that he wants to communicate better and how far back his crush had gone. Eddie smiles a bit, and dips his head, breaks eye contact for a few moments, smiling shyly.]

That long? I...I know I had some developing feelings for you even before Taako and I broke up. Toward the end, I was aware that...I was opening up to you more than I was to him, and that he wasn't really sharing anything with me, that I wasn't the person he'd talk to about what was bothering him. You always have, and...that's important to me, you know? But I didn't realize the type of feelings I had until the blackout, while you were taking care of my burns...

[Licking his lips, Eddie lifts his chin and meets Cisco's eyes when he asks if he means it when he says he can sleep here.]

Yes. Of course. I don't want you to be stuck alone with all of this. I know the whole conversation turned to you and me, but I know the other stuff is going to come back the minute you're not thinking about you and me, when it's dark and you're trying to sleep, and I don't want you to have to be alone when that happens. I don't mind if you have to cry. I just want to be here.

[And then, softly, firmly and with a great deal of emotion.]

And I'm not out of your league. If anything, you're out of mine.

[ Cisco doesn't even know what to do with himself, when Eddie calls him amazing. Part of him wants to give his token jokey 'well of course I am' sort of reply, but that's all wrong for the situation, when they're both here being raw and honest. But what other options are there? Say thank you? Try to disillusion Eddie of the notion?

In the end he merely smiles, eyes dropping, and tucks his hair behind his ear, shy and pleased and a little uncertain. ]

Yeah, that long.

[ It may not have been much earlier, but it is strangely a relief to hear that Eddie had started feeling drawn to him nearer the beginning of that night. Looking back, something had seemed to shift between them that night even before the vibe. Something intangible that changed, made the energy between them different than before. Cisco had thought, after how things had turned out, that he was just imagining things. But from what Eddie's saying... he hadn't. ]

Is it okay if I...? [ Cisco gestures at the bed, indicating getting in along with Eddie. After another second he adds: ] It's- will it be weird if I sleep in my boxers? I don't really want to go and get stuff from upstairs.

[ He knows that Eddie's right, and the moment his brain is unoccupied, he's going to have to think about Dr. Wells, and Eddie being dead, and him dying, and the betrayal and all of it. Which is in the back of his head as he fusses and finds things to ask little questions about, to just keep talking and keep his brain busy. ]

Well that's just a lie, for sure.

[Eddie really, really likes that look on Cisco, shy and pleased, tucking his hair back behind an ear as he glances downward, with that smile on his face.]

I probably...if I hadn't been with Taako, it would've been a lot sooner for me too.

[And then, when Cisco asks if it's okay to get into the bed with Eddie, he's immediately nodding, smiling at Cisco a bit. When Cisco asks if it's weird if he sleeps in his boxers, Eddie answers right away.]

No, no it's fine if you sleep in your boxers. Or you can borrow some of my things. I have sweats and t-shirts and stuff. But I don't...mind you in your boxers. I mean, that's what I'm wearing...

[Licking his lips, Eddie suddenly flushes a bit, realizing the logistics of what they're about to do, but then reminding himself - it's not sexy, it's not romantic, not right now. This is about taking care of Cisco, making sure he's okay, soothing him when the bad thoughts and nightmares come. And that's important, more important than Eddie's romantic feelings for him right now, and he knows it will make both of them feel good and safe with each other, help build a safe space between the two of them, and that only feeds into making sure that if they end up in a relationship that relationship will be a healthy one. It's strange, feels awkward and almost pragmatic to think of it that way, but at the same time, it makes his heart flutter a little, makes his stomach clench a bit, almost as much as the mental image of Cisco in his clothes.]

It's not a lie. You're an adorable, gorgeous genius. I'm a generic-looking cop.

[A little smile, and he pulls the blanket back, exposing a slice of his belly, his hip and bare thigh under his boxer-briefs.]

See? Boxers?

[ Cisco hesitates a moment, standing by the side of Eddie's bed and playing with the hem of his t-shirt. Would it be better to borrow Eddie's clothes, or to sleep in a state of semi-undress beside Eddie? Which is more of an imposition - which more of a dangerous intimacy that he isn't sure he has earned, yet? Eddie hadn't made the choice very easy, and Cisco gets a little stuck, trying to weigh the pros and cons.

Which is, perhaps, silly. But there are a lot of things right now that Cisco feels he cannot control. He had been wrong about Eddie and about the state of things between them. He had been wrong about Dr. Wells. Had been wrong about not having amnesia. So it seems suddenly, urgently important to make sure that for this one thing he actually has a choice in, that he makes the right call.

Eventually he has stalled too much and is starting to let himself think about all the things he wants to avoid, so he makes an impulse choice, based purely on what he wants. He moves over to the dresser and pulls open a few drawers, dragging out the first pair of sweats that he sees. It's on to the closet, next, where he pushes a few hangers aside to find a sweater that he has seen Eddie wearing around the house - one that looks old and soft and cozy. Cisco pulls the sweater on, pushes the too-long sleeves up as he quickly changes from his jeans into the sweatpants.

As he is changing, he says, jerkily. ]

Naw, I'm an awkward nerd whose biggest idol was apparently a- a murdering psycho and I didn't even notice, and you're this big damn hero who martyred himself to save everybody and also just happens to look like a swimsuit model and be really good at volleyball, and cooking, and...

[ But he stops there, biting his lower lip. He pulls the hood of the sweater up and over his head, tightening it. He slips in under the covers of the bed and, after a second's hesitation, reaches up to turn off the bedside lamp. He doesn't move closer to Eddie, or get comfortable, yet. Just stretches out, legs straight, lying on his back.

In the sudden darkness, it's harder to push away those thoughts he's been avoiding. But it is, at least, a little easier to talk. ]

It doesn't feel real yet.

[Eddie can see Cisco's hesitation, but he isn't exactly sure what's causing it. It doesn't occur to him that Cisco might be feeling hesitant and torn over which option he should take because, in Eddie's mind, both are perfectly acceptable. There is no wrong answer, neither option is too intimate or an imposition.

When Cisco digs in his dresser and then his closet, pulls out a big comfy hoodie and a pair of sweats, Eddie smiles at him and pats the bed beside himself again. Once Cisco has changed, pulled the hood over his head and adjusted the sleeves and cuffs, climbed into the bed beside Eddie, the light is off and Eddie's reaching down to pull the blankets up over both of them. Shifting a bit, Eddie turns to face Cisco in the bed, resting his head on one of the big, soft pillows. Cisco's body is tense, he lies on his back and doesn't move, praises Eddie and then says that this doesn't feel real yet. Eddie guesses that he means everything with Eobard, the amnesia, with Eddie being dead, and he makes a soft noise in his throat.

Reaching out, tentatively, he rests his hand on Cisco's stomach, fingers curling so he can gently rub, comforting.]

Cisco, you're not awkward. I mean, sometimes, yes, but everyone is, including me. I'm awkward a lot. And there's nothing wrong with believing in the people you care about, overlooking their flaws and forgiving them. It's my job to see red flags and warning signs, so I saw them. You're genuine and trusting and you believe in people, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's one of my favourite things about you.

[Shifting a bit closer, Eddie licks his lips and flattens his hand, sliding it gently against Cisco's belly and chest, avoiding going up near his heart, just yet.]

Can I hold you?

[ Cisco doesn't say anything for a few moments - from the sound of it, Eddie had suspected Dr. Wells of being up to something before Cisco ever did. He still can't recall any of it, can't force those dark patches in his memory to light up. But he wonders what his past self was thinking - why he didn't listen to Eddie, if Eddie had warned him.

He can hear and feel Eddie coming closer within the bed, the way his hand moves ever so slightly in small motions, over his stomach. It helps, a little, with that feeling like his guts are tying themselves into knots. When Eddie asks if he can hold him, Cisco shuts his eyes, a too-hot tear spilling from the corner of own and spilling sideways down towards his ear. ]

Please.

[ Cisco can't seem to make himself un-tense, or initiate contact, but he badly wants to be held again, to have something to ground him when it feels like the world is shifting around beneath his feet. ]

Was it Caitlin or Barry who found me? Or... was it you, or Joe? Did he- did he try to hide my b-body?

[ For some reason it is this - thinking about the mundane, banal details of any possible cover-up, that finally shatter what little is left of Cisco's composure. He starts to cry again, almost silently, his gasps for air in between sobs the only sound he makes, sharp and painful-sounding. ]

[While Eddie hadn't had a chance to warn anyone, Joe certainly had, but that's not on Eddie's mind, not really. Honestly, all of Cisco's reactions and everyone else's had made sense at the time, considering how good a manipulator Eobard had been, how much they'd trusted him, how much time he'd taken to set himself up as a trustworthy person with a genuine background using the life he'd stolen.

In fact, Eddie's mind is occupied with Cisco, with his soft, needy 'please' and the fact that his body is still tense, that he's not moving to get closer on his own. So Eddie slides forward, gently gathers Cisco up into his arms and helps roll him onto his side. Fitting himself against Cisco's back, he wraps arms around him and pulls their bodies close. With the hood up, he can't bury his face into Cisco's hair, but he does hold him, nuzzles into the back of his neck, his arm tight around Cisco's waist and hand pressed against the base of his sternum.]

I don't know. I don't know the details. I think Barry might've changed the timeline before any of us even knew...Cisco...

[And then Cisco is crying, and Eddie shifts, lifts himself slightly on one elbow so he can gently gather Cisco closer, into both his arms, so he can bury his face down against the side of Cisco's and twine their legs together and squeeze him close while he cries huge, horrible wracking sobs.

Eddie doesn't say anything at first. There's nothing to say, nothing that will make Cisco feel better, nothing that will make the pain of the betrayal go away. But he holds him close, he makes soft comforting noises in his throat while the worst of it tears through Cisco's body and when they ease a little, Eddie finally speaks.]

You're safe now, Cisco. I'm never gonna let something like that happen to you again. I'm never gonna let anyone hurt you like that...I'm sorry, baby...

[It comes out of him without him meaning to say it, and when he realizes he has, he doesn't bother to correct it, just goes back to making those soft humming noises in his throat.]

[ Cisco feels an obscure but intense guilt, as he cries, and Eddie makes shushing noises, pulls him in close and holds him tightly. Does he have any right, to be so upset? When he must have already been through all this, before. Even if Eddie had not held him this way the first time through, surely he'd at least witnessed Cisco's meltdown. He'd been aware of it, and now he's getting a rerun, and Cisco knows how tedious those can be. And he doesn't even remember any of it, anyway - so he ought to be fine. These tears are superfluous - are self-indulgence, and he ought to suck it up for once. But he can't seem to stop crying - that, too, suggests the truth of all this, that some part of him remembers.

Maybe it is better, not knowing what Dr. Wells had done with his body, what his plan had been. Sure, it means his imagination is running wild, constructing far too many scenarios that are making Cisco wish he'd watched fewer crime shows, so his brain had less material to draw from.

But Eddie's arms are tight around him, constricting him in a way that helps to ease the fear and nausea, that makes him feel like he won't tumble down into that yawning gulf of sadness. He cries himself out quickly, subsiding into shivery, hiccuping little sobs, and then relaxing at last, breaths growing ever steadier. ]

Thank you.

[ Cisco reaches up to wipe his face with the sleeve of that sweater, pushes down the hood, because he had cried on it and the damp fabric against his skin is annoying. He is still sniffly and his head hurts, now, but he feels a bit better having purged himself of those tears. Eddie is warm and solid against his back; Cisco can feel him breathing, and the steady rhythm of it is more soothing than he would have thought possible. ]

Can you just- can you talk to me? About anything. Anything that's not...

[ He gives a small shrug that Eddie will be able to feel, wrapped around him as he is. ]

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causational - 2017-08-21 16:49 (UTC) - Expand

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