riverviewlogs | turn back time;

Entry tags:

turn back time;

who: Bucky and OPEN
what: Various prompts spanning Prijata, the AU, and just random things.
when: The month of June
where: Around and about
warnings: Panic attacks

notes: Because this spans pre-AU and during-AU Bucky, I don't mind if anyone wants to tag in more than once to interact with both bits. Open to new or existing CR. If there isn't a prompt you like, just PM me and I'll work one out with you!

[i: Prijata; around the abandoned city and Quarantine]

[Bucky has been delivered a lot of unexpected things for the Prijata celebrations, gifts from people he never expected to get anything from, and gifts from anonymous sources. They're all thoughtful - food vouchers, clothes vouchers, survival equipment - but there's one gift that really takes him by surprise. A dog. An actual dog. The letter that comes with it states that this is a service dog designed to help veterans, she's his to borrow for six months and then either give her back or take her full time.

The things is...

He has no idea how to take care of a dog. It's not something he had as a kid, and the Soldier certainly wasn't given pets. He knows common sense things, like that she'll need to be fed and walked, but that's about it. Which is why he can be found in one of several places:

a) skulking around the various pet shops of Quarantine with a black lab trotting at his side.
b) sitting out in the outskirts of the abandoned town, throwing a stick idly for her and watching her return it.
c) awkwardly hoisting said dog into his arms so that he can climb the side of a building.]

[ii: Good and bad; at night down an alleyway; cw: panic attacks]

[Maybe it's being given the dog that's meant for a specific purpose that brings it to the surface, but Bucky has been dwelling more and more on his time as the Soldier. It leaves him on edge, tenser than usual, and less willing to mingle with the crowds. He doesn't sleep for as long as he can, unwilling to leave himself vulnerable to attack, but in the end he's only human.

Whenever he does manage to get some sleep, his dreams are far from pleasant, enough that he's not exactly a silent sleeper. The occasional moan might draw attention to his hiding spot, and anyone who tries to disturb him will find that he's not in the mood for it at all.]

[iii: Sergeant Barnes; AU plot; the park]

[It's absolutely amazing!

Of course he's been here for a few months now, but it's still mind boggling that he could be living in a place where there were people from all sorts of places and times. It's like one of those dime novels he used to read, all aliens and fanciful technology. He can still barely believe cell phones are a thing, he can only imagine how much this might have enhanced the war effort back home.

The only problem is... he doesn't seem to have a place to stay. All of his stuff was down an alleyway with him, and that's not exactly ideal. He's dressed in world war two uniform, having not quite got round to getting changed yet, with the insignia of a Sergeant clearly visible. Though he's obviously still Bucky, same face and same body, there are differences that might make him hard to identify. He's clean shaven, he doesn't walk with the wariness of a predator stalking prey, and he's smiling.

He even raises a hand in a friendly and lazy sort of greeting, friend or newcomer.]

[iv: Wildcard; anywhere; anytime]

[Got something you want to do with Bucky or Sergeant Barnes? Put it here, and let's do it!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He doesn't know whether the admission will make Will stay.

It's the sort of thing that would make Steve stay, Clark too, so that they could be noble and heroic and make sure that he doesn't hurt anyone. But it's the sort of thing that Ellie wouldn't because she understands when it's important to walk away, and it seems that Will knows that too. It notches up the respect that Bucky has for him a little, though it's still a long way from overshadowing the wariness.

Not that Will is going to make it very far.

Being left alone lets all of this crash down on Bucky's head, how close he came to hurting an innocent person just because he can't control his own damn head, and it sends him into a bit of a tailspin. He ends up crouched against the wall in the darkest part of the alley, shaking from head to toe, trying not to freak out audibly.

Sasha decides the best thing would be to fetch that other human back, so she goes streaking out of the alley and follows her nose to reach him, immediately trying to nudge him back in the direction of the alleyway.]

[ There were quite a few people who would argue just how 'innocent' Will could claim to be, however at the moment that was not important.

Head down, he was simply walking along, already sunk deep into the recesses of his own mind for company that he might as well be walking along in his memory palace, as the reality of where his feet are taking him. He doesn't hear Sasha's approach and almost misses her entirely, until she shoves her cold, wet nose into the palm of his hand.

She doesn't use her teeth, but rather shoves her broad head and muzzle in between Will's arm and his body, trying to guide his arm to turn around. It's enough to shake him out of his thoughts and he frowns as he looks down and recognizes the dog. ]

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing here? [ The words are soft spoken and Will starts to crouch down, but this isn't what Sasha wants and she butts against his thigh, an action that suggests movement on his part. ]

Shouldn't you be with ... [ Will begins, and if a dog could look exasperated at a human not.getting.the.point, Sasha might have managed it. However, her training saw her circle around him purposefully before drawing away, back towards the alley, as she barked twice.

Really. Was she going to have to draw him a road map?

Will frowned, earning himself another pointed bark, before he straightened up and began to walk back. ]

Alright, alright. [ He soothed, though it was his movement that seemed to reassure the dog more than his words or voice. She turned and trotted slightly ahead, her training seeming to want to draw her back towards Bucky as quickly as possible, though she paused periodically to ensure Will was still following.

He hadn't gone far and so their return was probably fairly quick, all things considered. Sasha, obviously, reaching Bucky first as Will brought up the rear. Though the light was crap in the alley, it was impossible to mistake the curled, shaking form and he winced.

To be honest, usually it was Will curled up in a ball with the shakes, and when these breakdowns happened, it was usually Hannibal drawing him back to himself. The thought of employing any of the older man's tactics was instinctively abhorrent to the profiler, though even as he indulged in the uncharitable thought, he was forced to recall that Hannibal was ... a brilliant psychiatrist.

If you carved out the homicidal narcissism.

Leaving it to Sasha to make physical contact, Will hunkered down on his heels but maintained a distance, giving Bucky room to breath. ]

Peter? [ He called the name. ] You told me, to call you Peter when we met so that's what I'm going with here, but it's not important. I need you to listen. [ Though Will didn't raise his voice above it's soft tones, he began to measure his words out, snapping them softly at the ends so they came across as very basic, calm, commands. Simple and easy to follow. ]

Take a breath, through your mouth, and hold it. One.Two.Three and exhale. One.Two. Take a breath, through your mouth, and hold it. One.Two ... [ If this made any sort of impact, Will would continue it, until Bucky lifted his face to look at him. ]

[He doesn't realise that Sasha has even left the alley until she reappears with someone else in tow, and in that moment he kind of hates Clark for giving her to him. He doesn't want people around him now, he's on a knife edge and he might end up really hurting someone and then having to add that blood to hands already stained irrevocably red.

The problem with orders, is that a part of Bucky is still inclined to follow them by instinct. It's what he doesn't want to admit to himself, that the Soldier and Bucky aren't two separate identities, they're what happened to one person being brainwashed and tortured. He can't just remove one from the other.

Will might notice how Bucky immediately complies and matches his breathing to Will's, a perfect calm, while the rest of his body stays tense and shaking in a weird juxtaposition to his now regulated breathing.]

[ It may have been slightly less than noble or heroic, but Will had been banking on the ingrained military part of Bucky to respond to his 'orders'. Still, he held his breath and prepared himself for a variety of responses, even an attack if it came.

However, he breathed a small inward sigh of relief when he saw the other man match his breathing patterns to the tempo Will dictated.

For a few minutes that was all he asked of Bucky. Simply to focus on the basic human need to get oxygen into the body and carbon dioxide out, at a steady rate to avoid hyperventilating or otherwise further pushing the body into the natural fight or flight response.

Letting Sasha do her job -hush Bucky, this Clark was an amazing friend to get you such a good dog- Will remained in his crouch, letting time pass before he spoke. Again, he used the calm voice with the steady slightly clipped words. ]

I want you to tell me the following. What is your name? Where are you? What time is it?

[ Yes, a part of Will was cringing and feeling the need for a hot shower with a wire scrub brush and some Bactine just for repeating those words. Another part of him (the part that wore Hannibal's face) was smirking and yet another part was trying to throttle both former instances.

And off in yet another corner, his psyche was laughing it's ass off at the ludicrous idea that his hopelessly fractured mind could offer anyone, any sort of hope in this area.

Okay, note for the future. Need to train Sasha to get a functional human being for this sort of crisis. ]

[It's not helping.

Will might not be able to tell because Bucky is a fairly unique case in this, but following this sort of order is only sinking him further into panic despite the fact that his breathing is completely regulated. It's orders, it's feeling himself instinctively reply to them and know that the Soldier is still there inside his head. He's so frightened, scared of following the wrong order one day and not realising until it's far too late.

Then again, Will might notice when Bucky's metal fingers dig hard enough into the solid concrete floor to literally gauge out huge grooves.

Name. He's asking for a name, and a part of him doesn't know if it's a test. A way to see if he remembers that he's the Asset and weapons don't have names, or maybe a trick to get his real name. It's all a bit jumbled in his head, and he finds himself spitting out a harsh defiance instead.]

I'm not your soldier.

[He's his own to command, his choices are his own.]

Будет!

[ About the only thing Will could lay any sort of claim of pride on when it came to himself, it was his adaptability. If something wasn't working, he knew how to pivot and change course.

It also helped that a part of him wished he'd been able to be as defiant as Bucky was being, when this particular head game had been played on him. Nope, he'd failed that test in spectacular fashion.

Still, despite being aware of the hand digging into the concrete just a few feet away, Will smiled. ]

No, you're not. [ He agreed in that same calm voice. ] Unfortunately, at this moment, you're not yourself either and you need to get back to this reality, here and now.

If you can do that on your own, then I'll be on my way. However, if you don't think you can get yourself back here? [ Will simply reached his hand out towards Bucky, offering help. He didn't force it on the other man, and he didn't let that deadly looking arm drive him towards fear. ]

[This is his reality, that's the problem.

The hand coming towards him means help, but he doesn't see it that way. It's just someone getting in his space, albeit still from a respectful distance, and it feels like the hand of HYDRA coming for him for disobeying. Back to the machine, back to be wiped, back to be reprogrammed.

The knife is in his hand, pulled from a concealed pocket in his sleeve in seconds, and he throws it viciously and efficiently with the aim of pinning that outstretched hand to the wall behind him if possible.]

[ Well.

The was a record, even for him. It usually took him at least half a month to work his way up to being knifed by someone. This time he managed it in about a week.

Will had no super human powers. Hell, most of the time Jack had always kept him behind the ERT teams in an effort to keep him from tripping over their feet. The one time he had managed to shoot someone, he'd been working a fever of over a hundred and five; in other words, blind shit house luck.

The motion registered with him but Will simply wasn't quick enough or in a good position to avoid the expert throw. Maybe if Bucky had been off his aim, there would have been a chance, but he'd simply left himself too vulnerable. The knife sliced expertly through his wrist, throwing him backwards as it drilled towards the brick (or was that wood) behind him.

Will tumbled back with the blow, aware of his arm getting pinned up and away from his body. He hung there for a moment, the pain radiating but not unmanageable, at least not to the extent of driving him towards trying to remove the blade. Instead laid back, one leg now folded awkwardly beneath him, the other sprawled out in front of him. ]

Right.

[ He said simply, looking back over his shoulder and reaching to pull his arm down, careful not to dislodge the knife. Getting his sprawled legs under him, he awkwardly worked to gain his feet. ]

I'm not going to be able to return this too you right at the moment, I'd rather not bleed out. But I'll slip it under the door to your room as soon as I get it removed.

[ The calm had leeched out of his voice, but it left behind no anger or judgement. Merely, exhaustion.

Feet under him, Will curled his knifed arm in towards his body to hide it from any passersby, and began to retreat down the alleyway. ]

[A part of him demands that he follow and finish the job. He doesn't leave witnesses alive, he doesn't leave targets to whisper about who came after them. He'll be punished for failing, he'll--

But he doesn't move.

He just watches with hard and merciless eyes as Will retreats, until the darkness swallows him and there's nothing left to see. It takes some hours for him to realise what he did and feel the guilt sink in. Will won't have to come and look for Bucky to give the knife back, the next time Will is somewhere relatively isolated, Bucky will simply drop down from a nearby roof or tree beside him.]

[OOC: Time jump to post this network event. ]

[ Despite being a 'public' place, Will had managed to find a corner of the library that was relatively uninhabited. Well, that and the fact that he was haunting the place in the wee hours of the morning might have contributed to the lack of people.

He was sitting at a large table, books and papers sprawled out around him and a notepad at his left elbow. A glass of whiskey (shhh if he had to smuggle it in) sat off to the side, little more than a finger full of the amber liquid still in the tumbler. Despite the privacy of the immediate area, the profiler still wore his sleeves turned down, the right cuffed tight, with an additional safety pin, so that the bandage beneath wasn't visible.

He had pulled a document close for review and was painstakingly attempting to make a note on the notepad. Painstaking, because he was right handed and was attempting to make the note with his left hand. ]

[Bucky actually looks physically slightly better than he has in a while. Clark made sure that he had a bath, something to eat, and some fresh clothes; so he looks less like he's rocking the hobo chic at the moment, and more like just another unremarkable young man. He is, however, wearing gloves again.

He hesitates at the end of the table, keeping enough distance to keep himself out of reach, and so hopefully Will might be less scared of being in the same vicinity of him.]

Why didn't you go to the police?

[He meant to say sorry, but somehow the word got lost along the way and became something else.]

[ If Will had heard or recognized that he was no longer alone -before Bucky spoke- he gave no indication of it. He may have been aware, on that lizard brain level when we recognize we're being watched, but he didn't have Lecter's ridiculous nose as an early warning system.

Head down, he didn't immediately respond. He about had this note nailed down and just needed to.finish.it.and ... there.

Setting the pencil down, he shook out his left hand and sat back turning to look at Bucky. There was no anger, resentment or fear in his expression. He looked more curious in return, if anything. ]

Why would I? [ He asked in return. ] It was my error of judgement. You were responding to a threat assessment.

[ After a moment, he leaned over towards the messenger bag he had scavenged from somewhere. Pulling out a small hand towel, he set it down on the table and pushed it towards Bucky, before drawing his hand back. Inside the towel, as promised, lay the knife. It had been meticulously cleaned, the blade oiled to reduce the risk of any water damage. ]

You weren't threatening me.

[Will's behaviour is confusing as hell. He can't possibly believe that Bucky held no fault here, when he twice attacked a man who's only crime was to stand too close to him. His recollection of what happened is hazy at best, too closely tied with the memories of other things he'd rather forget, but he does know Will didn't threaten him.]

I attacked you without provocation, you can't put the blame of that elsewhere.

[He doesn't sound annoyed or combative yet, just confused.

Bucky might understand why Steve would make these sorts of arguments, blinded as he is by affection for the man Bucky used to be, but not a veritable stranger.]

You perceived provocation. [ Will countered in his same, calm tones. Though he winced slightly and looked down in an apologetic manner. ]

I'm sorry, I'm profiling a little there and I've been doing it a lot around you, which you've ... [ he paused, considered his words and then continued.] I don't react well to being analyzed either. I'm just used to the inevitability of it.

[ So not the point in this conversation. Will drummed his fingers and reached for his scotch. ]

Regardless. Whether it was my insistence in pressing into your space, the physical movement I made ... you responded to a perceived threat.

So no, you weren't unprovoked and I'm not going to hold your reaction to that provocation against you. It would be ... cruel.

[It sounds like something that Steve would say, but it just rings like excuses in his ears. He knows that it wasn't his fault for what happened with the Soldier, but it was still his hands that carried out the actions, so doesn't he have some culpability? And now... now when he's supposedly broken his programming, at what point do the excuses become too much?]

You're an idiot.

[He's blunt about it, but it still sounds more confused than anything.]

I could've killed you, probably would've if you hadn't retreated, and you're making excuses for me.

[ Would it be strange that Will actually ... laughed?

It was a soft sound and from the way he ducked his head and nodded, it was a sound of amused agreement with Bucky's assessment of his being an idiot. Reaching up, he rubbed his thumb along the side of his own cheekbone. ]

I've been accused of being an idiot quite a few times in my life. [ He agreed, sprawling back in his chair and the amusement fled, as if it were an ill fitted formal suit he could only stand to wear for brief periods. ]

You're not a monster. [ He said, bluntly and he reached for his scotch, the way a child might reach for a favored stuffed animal. ] You were trained to emulate one, and anyone can be trained against their nature. But in the end it's training, not who they are.

[Bucky's expression, always quite neutral, alters just slightly to something more dangerous. He knows that Will is a profiler, but that's some incredibly detailed and accurate deductions he's making, and it rubs inside Bucky like razors under his skin.]

What the hell do you know about it?

[He didn't really want anyone here to know about the Soldier. Even the people he trusted the most only knew the bare bones of the story, he doesn't think that he can ever really open up about everything that happened. Some things are definitely better left unsaid.]

[ If he wasn't quite possibly half the way into his bottle of scotch, Will might have redirected the question.

Or found some psychoanalytical way in which to respond to it.

Instead, he stared at Bucky for a long minute, before shooting back what was left in the glass and moving to stand up. ]

The F.B.I. keeps me around for one reason; I'm effective at hunting the monsters.

[ He explained as he undid the first few buttons of his shirt and undid the cuffs. The majority of the shirt remained buttoned (this wasn't an excuse for a strip tease) as he reached behind himself and yanked the the fabric up and over his head. Dropping the shirt on the table he stood up so Bucky could see his torso.

Beneath the flannel the profiler liked to the hide himself within, the man was actually incredibly fit. But that wasn't what this was about. His torso was a storyboard of scars. The most prominent of course was the one that ran the width of his abdomen, a blow that could have easily disemboweled him, had the perpetrator not wished it otherwise. But there were others.

The gunshot wound on his right shoulder, punctuating an older stabbing scar in the same area. Scars that had been fixed but the Riverview orientation team, but were still in place included the couple doozies that Dolaryhyde had given him.

Will lifted his floppy hair, exposing the scar at the top of his head again, where someone had taken a surgical bone saw to his body possibly intending to open up his skull. That movement, the shift of his hair and the turn of his head, also drew attention to the scar just under his cheekbone. Mostly hidden by his scruff and the shadow of his cheek, it still suggested he'd been stabbed through and through in the face.

Dropping his hair and straightening, Will reached for his shirt but he was in no hurry to drag it back on. He had no shame in the scars. ]

There's a smaller one, under my jaw here, where one of the monsters was making ready to cut off my face, while I was still awake for the process. [ He tilted his head slightly as he plucked at the buttons to open them. ] In some ways, that one is the most horrific, even though he was stopped before he could do more than make the initial incision.

[ Shaking the shirt out, he shrugged back into it but didn't bother buttoning it closed before lowering himself back into the chair. ]

I am ... intimate with the monsters, Peter. I know them when I crawl inside their heads, and they crawl inside mine. Mutually assured destruction.

[ He looked down and began to button his shirt. ]

You're not a monster.

Edited 2017-06-17 15:38 (UTC)

[He's not sure what he's expecting when Will gets up and starts to strip off, but he remains still and silent, just watching. The scars tell a story of a hard life, and one nearly lost several times to people vindictive enough to want to kill just for the sake of killing.

Sadly, they're not shocking.

Bucky has done worse than these men to other innocents, he's been the monster on the other end of the knife, and it took a long time for him to initially break and be made into the Soldier. He knows about torture, he learned from the Nazis, and it's sickening to see that sort of roadmap laid out on someone's skin.

Is he not a monster?

It seems like Will is a good judge, considering how much experience he has, but Bucky would wager that he's never met anyone like him before. It feels like he's been given something important, and it's like a pressure on him to give back, like he owes Will for the kindness being shown. The kindnesses that have been shown since they met.]

Don't try to crawl inside mine.

[It's as much a warning for Will's safety as it is a threat.]

You might think I'm not a monster, but I've been killing people for decades, and I could do it again.

[There's a moment of hesitation, before he tacks a single word onto the end of that, the giving back that he feels he owes.]

James.

[ It's not till Bucky says the words 'Don't try to crawl inside mine' that Will recognizes that he's been doing the very thing he's been terrified of Anderson doing to him. It's a stark realization, an uncomfortable one and where Bucky has seen kindness, Will feels as though he's been anything but considerate.

In this realization, he takes a breath and genuinely offers what he can. ]

It's not something I can turn off, believe me I wish I could. [ Perception; a lens that turned both ways and rarely gave either viewer a reprieve. ] But I will do my best to honor your request James, and keep my psychoanalyzing to myself.

[ To treat James as a person, not an observation.

And he will start by not pointing out the difference between killing people and designing their destruction. Won't point out that were James the monster he believes himself to be, he wouldn't be the conflicted, tortured mind that had come to find out ~~if Will was alright~~ why a virtual stranger hadn't turned him in.

That were James a monster at his core, he would have killed Will in that alley and felt joy in it. ]

Well, to myself and the actual monsters outside the walls. [ He continued, offering them both a distraction from the subject of each other. Perhaps he could have asked after Sasha, he wanted too, but he was concerned that could turn them back down the path of what happened the other night.

Instead he sat up and tapped at his notes. ]

I'm putting together a small team to go out, northwest of the city to follow up on the work of a previous team to gather soil samples. Apparently, it's good soil for farming but the area is infested with over-sized alien hogs.

Have you had any experience with them?

Edited 2017-06-17 16:32 (UTC)

[Bucky's not an idiot. Keeping it to himself doesn't mean that he won't do it, just that he'll hold whatever he decides he finds out to himself. It's not very comforting, he'll always be wondering just what Will has figured out about him whenever he sees him. It makes him want to flee into the comforting anonymity of the back alleys where he can be mostly alone.

The change of subject takes him by surprise, but after a moment he twigs what Will is trying to do.]

Not those ones exactly.

[But he's spent a hell of a lot of time outside the walls, so he's fought more than his fair share of monsters.]

If you're going to ask me to join your team, don't. I don't play well in groups.

I wasn't going to ask. [ Will said in a soft, level tone.

Seriously the 'doesn't play well with others' was one of the first things he'd read off James. It was hard to ignore something that was practically shouted in your ears. ]

I'm keeping the team small, quick and hopefully non-threatening to these creatures. Our job is to try to assess just how much of a threat they would pose to any agricultural endeavors and if they can be relocated or will require extermination.

[ Something in the way he says the last word suggests that is the absolute last route he wants to see pursued. ]

I was simply curious if you had any information on them. The better I can prep the team, the better chance we have of avoiding an accidental conflict.

[He doesn't feel embarrassed for assuming, only relieved that Will had already read the situation correctly and he had never been in the running for coming along. He's seen a number of these missions go out, and the idea of having to trust anyone to watch his back during any of them is enough to make him want to run for the hills.]

Sorry, no.

[He pushes up from the table.]

But I can go and get information.

[That's something he can do alone, and it's a way of making up for what he did. The danger that the monsters might present doesn't even register as a factor.]

I think that's rather our mission. [ Will pointed out in a wry tone.

He leaned to the side to pick up his bottle of scotch off the floor. Unscrewing the top he splashed a healthy dose into the tumbler. Closing it back up, he set it back down on the floor, before sprawling back in the chair.

Though he was a small man, he managed to take up as much of that chair as he could manage, limbs going every which way as he considered the situation.

Because he didn't want to reject James' offer out of hand. He could imagine it was as much about settling a debt, wiping the slate clean to allow James to re-establish control in their relationship, as it was about helping.

As promised, Will kept this observation to himself and didn't even look at James, eyes down on the amber liquid in his glass, as he swirled it around. ]

Could you get me a rough run down of the terrain? This is the hogs' territory after all, it would help to have an idea of ... [ he paused to take a sip of scotch, before finishing the obvious thought. ] what trees are available for fleeing up.

[Of course that's their mission. Idiot. He should have known better than to make such a stupid offer, but at least Will doesn't seem to be laughing at him for it, more offering a viable alternative that might actually be useful.]

Sure.

[He glances over at the scotch, before deciding that it's really not his business to say anything if Will decides to day drink in a library. There's an awkward pause, but he has to ask.]

How is your hand?

[He knows it wasn't a fatal wound, but there's a lot of ligaments and nerves there, he could still have done some permanent damage.]

turn back time;

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Let's do the Time Warp aagggaaaaiiinn

and now I can't stop humming that...

My work here is complete \o/

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icon duplication but ... scotch!

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