riverviewlogs | turn back time;

Entry tags:

turn back time;

who: Bucky and OPEN
what: Various prompts spanning Prijata, the AU, and just random things.
when: The month of June
where: Around and about
warnings: Panic attacks

notes: Because this spans pre-AU and during-AU Bucky, I don't mind if anyone wants to tag in more than once to interact with both bits. Open to new or existing CR. If there isn't a prompt you like, just PM me and I'll work one out with you!

[i: Prijata; around the abandoned city and Quarantine]

[Bucky has been delivered a lot of unexpected things for the Prijata celebrations, gifts from people he never expected to get anything from, and gifts from anonymous sources. They're all thoughtful - food vouchers, clothes vouchers, survival equipment - but there's one gift that really takes him by surprise. A dog. An actual dog. The letter that comes with it states that this is a service dog designed to help veterans, she's his to borrow for six months and then either give her back or take her full time.

The things is...

He has no idea how to take care of a dog. It's not something he had as a kid, and the Soldier certainly wasn't given pets. He knows common sense things, like that she'll need to be fed and walked, but that's about it. Which is why he can be found in one of several places:

a) skulking around the various pet shops of Quarantine with a black lab trotting at his side.
b) sitting out in the outskirts of the abandoned town, throwing a stick idly for her and watching her return it.
c) awkwardly hoisting said dog into his arms so that he can climb the side of a building.]

[ii: Good and bad; at night down an alleyway; cw: panic attacks]

[Maybe it's being given the dog that's meant for a specific purpose that brings it to the surface, but Bucky has been dwelling more and more on his time as the Soldier. It leaves him on edge, tenser than usual, and less willing to mingle with the crowds. He doesn't sleep for as long as he can, unwilling to leave himself vulnerable to attack, but in the end he's only human.

Whenever he does manage to get some sleep, his dreams are far from pleasant, enough that he's not exactly a silent sleeper. The occasional moan might draw attention to his hiding spot, and anyone who tries to disturb him will find that he's not in the mood for it at all.]

[iii: Sergeant Barnes; AU plot; the park]

[It's absolutely amazing!

Of course he's been here for a few months now, but it's still mind boggling that he could be living in a place where there were people from all sorts of places and times. It's like one of those dime novels he used to read, all aliens and fanciful technology. He can still barely believe cell phones are a thing, he can only imagine how much this might have enhanced the war effort back home.

The only problem is... he doesn't seem to have a place to stay. All of his stuff was down an alleyway with him, and that's not exactly ideal. He's dressed in world war two uniform, having not quite got round to getting changed yet, with the insignia of a Sergeant clearly visible. Though he's obviously still Bucky, same face and same body, there are differences that might make him hard to identify. He's clean shaven, he doesn't walk with the wariness of a predator stalking prey, and he's smiling.

He even raises a hand in a friendly and lazy sort of greeting, friend or newcomer.]

[iv: Wildcard; anywhere; anytime]

[Got something you want to do with Bucky or Sergeant Barnes? Put it here, and let's do it!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's not just that. I like killing. It makes me feel like nothing else in the world does.

[This was something he'd admitted to few other people. No one really knew the extent of how much the young Viking thrived off of the sensation he got from killing. There was the adrenaline rush, the satisfaction he got from watching the light dim from someone's eyes, and even a short spike of happiness that went with the act. He even got off on it a little bit, violence and sex inextricably linked in his mind the way it was for some serial killers.]

And I've been doing it a long time. You don't want to know how young I was the first time I killed someone.

[He'd been far too young to lose such innocence, still just a young child. Even then, it was clear there was something rotten and broken at his core.]

[There's not much he can do with that.

People who enjoy killing are dangerous, far more so than any soldier with orders could ever be. Those are the sorts of people who rose to power within HYDRA, the ones he used to do the dirty work of. He isn't so sure that he wants to be around Ivar any more.]

So if you like it so much, why are you even thinking about what I said?

[Why not just dismiss him out of hand?]

[He looks up at Bucky and there's something a little sad on his face.]

If this was the right way to feel, wouldn't other people feel this way too?

[But he's never met anyone who feels the same way inside that he does. Not at home and not here in Riverview. If he's the only one, then there has to be something wrong with him that he's lacking. That's why he's taken Bucky's words to heart.]

[For the first time since Ivar mentioned the fight he had before, Bucky feels a small sliver of sympathy for him. To know that the way he feels is wrong, and yet be unable to change it, it's a horrible thing.]

Yeah.

[He's not going to sugarcoat it.]

It's not normal, and it's not healthy. But anyone can change, you just have to ask yourself if you want it enough.

[Ivar snorts and looks skeptical at Bucky's assertions.]

Really? You think I can just, what, grow a conscience?

[Forgive Ivar for his sarcasm, but he has to wonder, if it was that simple, wouldn't he have been able to do it by now?]

No. But you can learn how to behave, and actively choose how to behave. It's our choices that define us.

[He sometimes doesn't think he has much of a conscience left any more, whenever he lets it get too vocal then he's nearly paralysed with guilt over the atrocities he's committed.]

[He considers that for a moment, face still having that thoughtful expression. He could just stubbornly end the conversation here, insistent he doesn't need to change. But he is a touch curious. He's never had motivation to try and change his way of thinking before. Who's to say what will happen if he actually puts his mind to it?]

And who's going to teach me what's the right way to behave? [Ivar has very little in the way of what would be considered civilized thinking. Most of what he's learned on how to behave properly has come through trial and error, usually violent.] You?

[Sorry, Bucky, but he's seen that you have all the social skills of a scruffy alley cat.]

Edited (typo...) 2017-06-10 20:09 (UTC)

[The thought of him trying to teach anyone else how to behave would be almost funny, if he weren't sure that Ivar hasn't told anyone else this and so can't really ask for lessons in how to behave like a human being with a moral compass from other people.]

I still can't stop myself from hurting people sometimes, I can't help you with that.

[He's far from a success.]

You trust anyone enough to ask them for help in this?

[Once again, Ivar is tempted to ask Bucky just what happened to him to make him the way he is. He's sure there's a story behind that and Vikings always loved a good tale. But if he asks now, he's sure all he'll get is stonewalled. His (friend?) is infuriatingly good at that.]

That's an awful lot of trust to put into someone.

[Which isn't precisely an answer to the question, but Ivar has to think. He'd need to trust someone almost as much as he'd trust his own family not to lead him astray. That would require an awful lot from them and Ivar not sure anyone here has earned that much from him yet.]

Who would you trust if you had to pick someone?

Isn't that irrelevant?

[It's probably another irritatingly vague answer, but he doesn't know how to answer that. Steve comes to mind, but so do Ellie and Clark, and even then he's not too sure that he'd really go to any of them. And even if he might, they're not people that Ivar trusts.]

It has to be someone you'd trust, not someone I'd trust.

Considering you're in nearly as bad up there-- [He swiftly reaches up and taps Bucky on the side of the head before the other man can flinch or bat his hand away.] --as I am, it wouldn't do you harm to think of someone either.

[While it may be true, Ivar is also using the moment to deflect the conversation away from him. He's still trying to think of someone. Normally, he'd day Letha, but she's a necromancer, and so he knows not everyone follows the same moral code that she does.]

[He so nearly reaches out and breaks that wrist, but he keeps himself still. Now is not the time for this to be devolving into a fight.]

I'm not like you.

[Almost the opposite, in fact. It wasn't a passion or delight for death that drove the Soldier, it's the blank nothingness that he fights.]

And I've got it handled, I've got safeguards in place.

[Ivar's forever pushing the boundaries with people. He really should learn to stop doing it with Bucky, because one of these days, he's going to end up getting hurt because of it. But until then, he'll take small risks.]

Right. Safeguards. [He says the words flatly.] And that's a guarantee you're not just going to snap back?

[Ivar's seen him fight, the way he seems to go ice cold, as if there's nothing there beneath the surface. There's a lack of humanity there that might startle someone who wasn't already detached from people like Ivar was.]

No.

[There are no guarantees for this sort of thing. For just a second he looks tired, as if he's been fighting for years with no end in sight, but it's gone swiftly to be replaced by his usual neutral look.]

But it's a way to try and keep people safe from me. I'm different from you, I don't want to fight, but sometimes I can't help it.

[The young Viking looked puzzled at Bucky's words.]

I've never met anyone who would willingly choose not to fight.

[It was such a foreign, alien concept to someone who had come from a fighting culture that Ivar could scarcely wrap his head around it. Were it anyone else, Ivar would have considered them a coward. But he'd seen Bucky fight and knew that couldn't be the case.]

[He knows it's a different culture, but he can't quite believe that no Viking has ever eschewed fighting. Just like there are people who buck the norms in his time, there had to have been back then as well.]

I have enough blood on my hands, I don't ever want to add to it again.

[Is that so odd?]

[Something clicks into place in Ivar's mind.]

That's why you won't teach me. You think if I kill anyone with the skills you have, it'll be on your conscience.

[He hadn't fully grasped the concept before now, but he understands a little better. Not that Ivar truly understands what it's like to have a conscience, lacking most of one himself, but he can understand it from an objective standpoint.]

[That's definitely a part of it, and the lack of any denial is probably as good as an affirmation for Ivar.]

Maybe, or maybe I just don't want to add more killers to the world. I've played my hand in a lot of death and destruction, I want to help for a change instead.

You know, if I really wanted to kill anyone here, I wouldn't need the skills I've learned from you to do it.

[Ivar had learned a long time ago how to do that. It didn't speak much to his self-control that he'd only attempted to kill one man in his time here. Mostly, it was just a lack of motivation. People here weren't like those back home. They didn't judge him based solely on what he lacked, thus removing a great source of his anger.]

Probably not, but those deaths wouldn't be on my hands and what I could teach you could make you a whole lot more dangerous.

[He says that more with a weary voice than he does any sort of brag. He knows how dangerous he is, and it's not something he takes pleasure in.]

[Ivar stops moving his wheelchair and looks over at Bucky, giving him one of those deep, penetrating looks that he does when he's getting inside someone's head and seeing what makes them up. It's his great strength, the ability he's honed over many years to see what lies beneath the surface.]

You're better than you give yourself credit for. I see what makes people up. I read them. You're trying. Maybe it doesn't make you a good person, but it doesn't make you as terrible as you think you are.

[That's almost funny, because he doesn't know what the hell makes him up most of the time. He's Soldier and Bucky and everything in between, and sorting through that mess is nearly impossible most days.]

Then maybe take that as your cue to do better too. We can both be trying to be good people, even if we're not.

[Ivar looks skeptical at that assertion. He's not a good person by any stretch of the imagination and has never tried to be. He'd willingly looked a man in the eyes as he got cut open and then ripped to pieces right before he'd come to Riverview. Sometimes he still fancied he could hear King Aelle screaming from whatever hell they'd sent him to. The worst part is he'd do it all over again without blinking if it got him what he wanted. To try and behave felt wrong, like he was putting on a mask.

And yet...what had it gotten him all these years? A lot of bitterness and anger that he carried around with him. It's something he'll have to think about.]

I think I'll try for good enough.

I think that's enough.

[He finally relaxes enough to give Ivar the tiniest of approving nods. He doesn't understand the mindset of wanting to kill, enjoying it, but he can appreciate someone making an effort.]

I'm still not going to teach you any more, but I'll help where I can.

That's fair.

[Bucky fascinates him in a way others here don't. He also knows that the man won't hesitate to pull him back if he thinks he's gone too far. Ivar needs someone like that in his life. At home, his family had kept him in check. Without them here, he needed someone to do the same.]

Is it...alright if I come find you from time to time?

[He's a bit hesitant to ask seeing as how they've just renewed their acquaintance, but he wants to make sure he's not still on the outs with Bucky.]

turn back time;

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