[ open ] leave me here a little bit longer

[goblinemperor]

who: maia + anyone!
what: open post & catch-all
when: august
where: various places
warnings: will add as needed

[ Maia is not as lost as he was in his first few weeks here; he's gone from gawking at everything in bewilderment to taking in his surroundings in a slightly more dignified manner.

For the last half of August, bolstered by Csevet's arrival and by the friendships he has begun to foster here, Maia sets about trying to follow the advice he'd been given after his anonymous post on the network. He tries to make the most of his freedom, to be spontaneous, follow his whims, educate himself, and try new things. So he can be seen around the city, at the library, at museums, coming into various shops. Maia's abandoned the stuffy robes long ago, but there's still something a little unusual in how he carries himself; a little too straight-backed and formal, even if he has discovered jeans.

He tries new foods, he silently walks through the various temples and places of holy observance to check them out, he even has started to pluck up the courage to ask questions to strangers, when his curiosity about this or that gets to be too much. ]

Comments

[goblinemperor]

[ Maia worries for a moment that, in his excitement at being able to speak more freely here, that he'd gone too far. Csevet's fair complexion betrays him, so there's no question that his words had provoked some kind of reaction. But is the flush happiness? Embarrassment? Discomfort? Carefully, Maia watches for signs that Csevet is trying to fight down unease, but he doesn't seem tense. Of course, he cannot be certain, but he thinks mere embarrassment is the likely cause.

Too often, he has been the one who was embarrassed, and Csevet the one providing gentle assurances. Maia wishes he had his secretary's skill for it. He meets Csevet's small smile with one of his own. ]

If our praise causes any distress, please forgive us. We merely... wished to speak honestly.

[ Maia feels a strange twinge of envy when Csevet says he does want to look for companionship here. It is wrong of him, and he knows it, but the feeling is there nonetheless. He would never let Csevet see a trace of it; Maia dismisses it as he does his moments of unjust anger, his little petty urges and bitter thoughts. He cannot plant such thoughts, allow them to grow. He cares for Csevet deeply, and should want what will make him happiest. Even if the thought of Csevet, tucked away with some man, whispering in his ear and kissing him, makes Maia's blood feel cold with a sudden loneliness. ]

In that case, we are sure you shall have no difficulty in doing so. The question merely is whether anyone in this place can come close to deserving you.

[ Maia is more than certain that none of them will, but that's neither here nor there. ]

Try one of the other shirts? If you drape this one over the door, we will take it and keep it aside for you.

[secretarialhand]

[When Maia apologizes in case his praise has caused distress, Csevet shakes his head, glancing up at him again.]

We apologize, Serenity. It was not distress, but pleasure at your words. We...we know that you are not given to flattery with falsehood any more than we are, but your words are far too kind.

[Ducking his head a little, Csevet smiles a genuine smile that only fades slightly when Maia says that he will have no difficulty in finding companionship, that strange complicated bittersweet feeling welling up again in him, particularly when Maia suggests that he thinks few men here might deserve him. For a moment, Csevet feels petulant, and then he lets go of the feeling, ducking his head in agreement and slipping back into the changing room.

Once inside, he slips the shirt off and drapes it over the door, pausing only then to give himself a moment of shameful childishness, to allow himself to feel the discontent and longing, even if he still won't allow himself to think the words that accompany that emotion. Making a face at himself in the mirror, he sighs and then scoops out one of the other shirts, a long knit thing that comes almost to his knees, and which he's somewhat uncertain of. It clings close to his torso, but has a more concealing neckline than the first shirt he'd tried, with slits at the side up to his hip for easy movement.

Slipping out of the dressing room, he slides his hands down the front of it, one brow raised.]

And this one, Maia?

[goblinemperor]

[ Maia wonders - because that is just the way his mind works - what he would be thinking in this moment if he had not had that conversation with Csevet, the day he and his friend were reunited. In a way, that conversation had forced Maia to acknowledge some things that had been buried in his own mind. If he had not admitted to being interested in men, hadn't put words to it in a way that had shifted his view of himself, would he be reacting the same way he is now?

Because when Csevet walks out wearing that knit shirt, Maia's first response, as involuntary and inexorable as a reflex, is to think that he looks incredibly attractive in it.

There's no way of saying whether he would still be in denial or not, if Csevet hadn't gently nudged him towards self-knowledge and self-acceptance. Imagining one way or another does not change the urgent and unignorable fact that Csevet is standing there waiting for his response and Maia is just staring, mouth slightly open. He realizes a moment too late how rude that must be, and closes his mouth. The heat on his cheeks is terrible, but at least his complexion won't show his embarrassment. ]

We- we think it even more suitable than the first.

[ It's not just the shirt, though. Those same clothes on another might look silly, or strange. It's Csevet's body and the way he moves, and his hair and neck and face and way of holding himself, way of smiling somehow with only his eyes. Maia swallows, feels a moment of sheer panic, before he shoves all those thoughts down, because he can't sit here thinking about how attractive Csevet is. He just- can't. It's disrespectful, and the last thing Maia wants to do in the world is to disrespect Csevet. ]

It- it will prove useful, too, when the weather turns colder, for we have heard that it is not always this warm here.

[secretarialhand]

[It simply does not occur to Csevet to wonder in what way or whether Maia finds him attractive - it seems impossible that someone like Maia would find him attractive in any way beyond casually, or considering whether others might be fit to be his companion. Csevet is good at reading expression and body language, it's part of why he's so good at containing his own, but he can't quite find it in himself to acknowledge what might be behind the way Maia looks at him, lips parted and pale grey eyes slightly wide, when he comes out of the dressing room.

A little self-consciously, he brushes fingers down the front and sides of the knit shirt, over the lines of his body, eyes on Maia's face, and when his Emperor says that he finds it even more suitable than the first, he smiles slightly. The smile may be small, but Csevet's ears and throat go a little pink, and he ducks his head.]

You are far too kind, Maia.

[It's genuine, because part of him can't let go of the concept of Maia being the Emperor, and therefore better than him. Perhaps it's difficult to let go because, even were he not the Emperor, Csevet may feel that Maia was better than him, simply by merit of how good a person he is.]

We have also heard that the weather turns much cooler during the winter months here. It is part of why we thought to get this top, for even now it is sometimes cool in the evenings.

[For a moment, he's quiet, holds his breath, and then exhales.]

Perhaps another?

[goblinemperor]

Yes. Another.

[ They go on in that manner for a little while; Csevet trying on clothing items, asking Maia for his thoughts. A few they both reject. A few more, Maia approves of, though after his initial fluster he manages to keep himself under better control. Which is good. Csevet is his loyal friend, who trusts him, and deserves better.

Once they've found everything Csevet will need to build himself a new wardrobe - even a few pairs of shoes - Maia suggests that perhaps, they might reverse roles, and Csevet might help him to find a few things for himself. He insists that he has a few outfits already, but (as Csevet has doubtless noticed in the time since he arrived) they are fairly plain. Maia had figured out long-sleeve button-down shirts, and that's pretty much all he's got. It had been a kind of antidote, after all the elaborate and luxurious robes he had had to wear as emperor. It's only now that he's been here a while that he is starting to think perhaps he might want a little bit of variety.

He tucks himself away in that same changing room, with a dozen or so items that Csevet had darted around and collected for him. Maia spends a great deal of time fussing, though the checked shirt, denim jacket, and denim pants were all easy and quick to put on. He keeps looking at himself in the small mirror in the changing room, wondering if he should take it all off and abandon it before even giving Csevet a chance to comment. Through the door he says: ]

Csevet... we implore you to be honest with us. Even if that requires you to be a little rude.

[ And Maia slips out the door, looking sheepish and uncertain. ]

[secretarialhand]

[It's almost something of a relief when they are finally finished choosing the items for Csevet's new wardrobe and the attention is off of him. Of course, though, that means the attention shifts to Maia, which may be better for Csevet, but which he understands will likely be uncomfortable for Maia, who rarely enjoys having people's attention focused on himself.

Csevet makes quick work of the store, having already noted a variety of things he thinks would be flattering on Maia - a dark blue long-sleeved knit shirt, a denim jacket, a shirt with a checked pattern, another with shoulders a different colour than the body. Now that it's his turn to wait outside the room, it seems to drag on forever, the wait. His eyes stay on the door until Maia speaks, his voice soft and hesitant, asking him to be honest even if it means being rude.]

Of course, Serenity, though we are sure that you will be much flattered by whatever it is you've tried on.

[And then Maia is slipping out of the room, looking uncertain and a little shy, and Csevet looks him up and down, his eyes skimming the length of Maia's body. With his hair braided to the side and the shirt that sits a little closer to his body under the jacket, Maia looks casual and comfortable and lovely.]

Oh...Maia, you look...

[His voice trails off, he feels slightly breathless for a moment, his eyes bright, cheeks red.]

You look very good.

[goblinemperor]

[ Maia notes the flush on Csevet's cheeks - how could he miss it - but easily categorizes it as feeling a bit proud at picking an outfit that worked so well. A little hesitantly, Maia glances at his own reflection in those large mirrors. There is no denying that (no thanks, he thinks, to any virtue of his own) the outfit is a good one. It is modest and comfortable enough, and yet will blend in with the other people here far more effectively than many of the other clothes he had found on his own. ]

You do not think it is-

[ He struggles for a moment, searching for the right words to express his faint unease with the outfit. It is not the price of it, or the feel of it, or even the look of the clothes themselves. Still, something is holding him back, and after a moment or two of hesitating, he asks: ]

- think it is as if we are some kind of imposter, attempting to appear something we are not?

[ How many times had he felt that way, in all his robes and brocaded silks and jewels, as the emperor. But that, at least, was a matter of law. Unfit as he might have been in many ways, he was emperor, by blood and by rites. This, though... this act of choosing himself clothes that in some way will represent him, and the person he is, to others... it's daunting. He's never had much room, to choose the person he wants to be. The freedom is exciting, but also, makes him nervous. ]