[semi-open] tryin' to get a handle on a reason to shine

[shootsoff]

who: roy harper and whoever else
what: catch-all for planned threads and open prompts
when: August-September
where: wherever
warnings: Roy is a recovering alcoholic/addict and that's going to come up a lot in this entry because he's struggling with staying on the wagon in the wake of Jason going home. The main entry and open prompts in it will skim over the topic of addiction, to make it easier to avoid, I'll keep the bulk of in-depth meta about addictions in the "bar" prompt in the comments. If you want a thread with Roy that doesn't go in-depth about it, just shoot me a PM or note in your subject line that you're not interested in addiction issues, and I'll avoid it as much as possible!



[Things had just been getting better, they'd just been settling down, he'd been getting used to being here. Making friends. Feeling easy with things. Feeling less lonely than he had at home with the kids and Jason and people around. He'd been actually living instead of just kind of surviving in the gutter like he had been since he and Jason split up back home.

But of course, he's Roy Harper, and things never stay okay for Roy Harper. At some point, he's going to come to terms with that, to just accept that after things get better they're always going to get worse.

It's been about a week since he woke up and Jason was just gone. Gone without leaving a note, without saying good-bye. Just disappeared. Since then, Roy hasn't really left Wayne Manor. He's barely even left his room, except to trudge to the kitchen and pour some hot water into a cup of ramen noodles. Maybe not the healthiest coping mechanism, but the bonus of not leaving the manor was that it limited his options when it came to alcohol - if nothing else, Jay had known him and never kept it where Roy knew about it. He'd managed to keep himself from tearing Jason's room apart looking for anything he might've had stashed, but he's pretty sure that Jason would've at least pitched the bottles out of the window before he left. Maybe. Hopefully he'd cared that much.

Today's the day, though. It's the day he's going to finally clean up and get out of the house. Go somewhere. Do something productive. Maybe it'll make him feel better, stop wallowing, to go out and participate in the world, to move his body, to get his life figured out.

It totally has nothing to do with the fact he's run out of ramen.]

i. gym

[After shaving the red fuzz off his jaw and having an actual shower, the first place Roy goes is to the gym. Dressed in a black tank top and a pair of sweatpants, hands wrapped up, a handkerchief wrapped around his head to keep his hair out of his face, he spends a long time hitting the punching bag in the corner. There's no grace or real skill involved, he's just hitting the bag over and over, letting himself take out some of the emotion.

That much shows on his face - Roy's always been crap at hiding what he's feeling, especially when what he's feeling is so intensely negative. His mouth is drawn down, his brows are furrowed, and it's pretty obvious he's punching out his feelings. It takes about 45 minutes of this before he's stepping back, resting a hand against the bag, and taking a few sharp gasps for breath, hair and tank top slightly damp with sweat.]

Damn. One week and I'm already out of shape.

ii. walkabouts & smoothies

[After the gym, he's tired but his brain is still buzzing unpleasantly, and he needs to move, needs to keep his mind off things. Needs a distraction, because all he wants is to be out of his own head for a bit. So he walks through the Quarantine, through the downtown square, takes a look at the tent cities going up in the park, he browses through stores and outdoor markets and asks people questions at booths and in shops just to keep his mind occupied.

Eventually, he's exhausted, dragging his feet, and he stops in a smoothie place to get something to drink. Leaning against the bar facing the window with his giant cup of green juice he can hardly taste, he rests his cheek in his hand and stares out the window, expression distant.]

This sucks.

[Quiet, ostensibly to himself, but definitely loud enough to draw attention. Whoops...doesn't even occur to him that he might come across as talking crap about the smoothie...]

iii. wildcard

Hit me up with a random starter if you'd like one, or shoot me a PM or message on plurk at caffemisto for a custom one.

Comments

[bythehand]

[ He's not always good at this. Comfort, gentleness. Knowing what people need. Not for a lack of desire to help, not for lack of caring; just the result of nature running up against a wall made from a lifetime without practice or example.

The people he cares about are all people he wants to be able to be careful with. He knows good people, and Roy is certainly in that number. He'd like to be worth half the regard and care they seem to give him.

Which really just means he can put his stubbornness to some sort of good use and try until it feels less clumsy, more natural. Basically for the rest of his life. Sounds legit. ]

It's not yours, either. [ And then when that fails to feel like enough, leaning in in the way he tends to do when he's trying to make any kind of sincere point (because obviously 110%-ing all aspects of life is the best way to be): ] I know it's not easy. Getting separated. If you need anything--

[ Is it rude to say "I'm here" in this situation where they're talking about someone not being here anymore? Time to overthink that. The wrinkles sharpen, ease back again as he hesitates. ]

You can let me know.

[shootsoff]

[The fact is, Roy hasn't had a lot of comfort or gentleness in his life - mostly tough love and kicks in the ass. And he's grateful for those, really grateful, because he knows himself, knows that it sometimes takes a bit of roughness to get through his own thick skull. So if Finn isn't the best at gentle and comforting, that's fine, because Roy might not even know how to deal with it properly if he were perfect at it.

As it is, Finn's a lot gentler than most people Roy's received support from, and it surprises him. Glancing up at him again, Roy smiles a little, it's small and crooked but it's not fake and it's not forced.]

Thanks, man. Seriously. I mean, I'm pretty used to getting separated, and it sucks, but I think this one just...it stings, you know? Not even a good-bye.

[Mouth pressed into a thin line, he shakes his head, pushes a loose strand of red hair behind his ear, tucking it under the handkerchief.]

I might...you know, if you don't mind and you really mean that about needing things...might ask you a really big favour.

[bythehand]

[ Aha. A success. Or at least a little bit of a genuine smile. That's always good to see. ]

I mean it. And I don't mind. Wouldn't say it if I did. [ Obligation isn't his cup of tea, for the most part. ] What can I do?

[shootsoff]

[There's something about Finn's response that's stupid-reassuring, and Roy feels some of the funk lift. He's been wading through it for a week, and like two minutes with Finn has it lifting. What kind of magic is this, honestly?]

You wanna hang out with me for a bit? Maybe til bedtime, if that's not too much to ask? I could really, really use the distraction.

[He could use someone there, someone he respects and likes, someone he won't end up falling off the wagon in front of. The last thing he wants is to relapse in front of Finn, to get sloppy drunk and do stupid things in front of Finn. It'll be a good reason to stay on the wagon tonight, and he could really use that. Right now, he doesn't have a lot of good reasons.]

[bythehand]

[ It's a serious request. Finn treats it as one.

He's done far crazier things for people he's known for far less time. ]

You've got it. As long as you want. [ Even if he'd had plans in the works, they all just got rescheduled. Like so much dust in the wind. ] And if it helps, I can think of a lot of worse ways to spend a day.

[shootsoff]

[That's what Roy likes about Finn, or maybe just what makes him feel like he's not on thin ice. He's had friendships like that before, where he was the funny, fun guy, and the minute he had some negativity twisted up in his head he wasn't cool anymore. Which sucked, because despite the general air of flippancy he gives off, Roy gets twisted up in his own head with negativity way more often than you'd think.

With Finn, there's none of that thin ice. He asks for something that seems simple but means a lot, and that Roy knows from experience can be a pretty hard ask. After all, he's pretty damn aware of how easy it is to get tired of being around him.]

You sure about that? I'm probably not gonna be my usual fun self.

[It's said with a twist of wry, self-deprecating humour.]

[bythehand]

It's not like I only have good days, either. [ Sort of a joke. If a very basic attempt at one, designed less for the humor and more for assurance.

Similarities are something Finn draws on, seeks out, respects. Even if he can't say he has or necessarily could understand the full picture of-- whatever Roy is worried about getting dragged down by right now. There are a lot of variables. At the end of the day, he knows what it's like to either need to have someone around or to know you'd do better for having the company. To not be at your best in a way that goes beyond the physical. Happens to him, regardless of how rarely he tends to admit it. Happens to Poe. Happens to Chyler, to Taako. Happens a lot more than he used to think it could.

It's allowed.

He finds himself glad he came here today, at this particular time, to this particular place. That he got the chance to help somehow. ]

You're still you. Pretty sure I can handle it.

[shootsoff]

I get that.

[Roy gives the bag another little shove, and exhales. It seems to take a little of the pressure, the weight off, having Finn around, and...Roy's starting to realize that Finn makes him feel like that a lot. And maybe he's starting to realize that it isn't too often that the people in his life make him feel lighter, that usually he's the one trying to lighten them up.]

Man, has anyone told you you're like...the best?

[It's lame, it's not really any proper way to express all the stuff he's thinking, doesn't really cover it all. But there's time for that later. He's still all too aware that he's a clinger, Jason had told him that all the time, and he knows it's kind of a turn-off.]

We should find, you know, something else we've never experienced and try it.

[bythehand]

[ 90% of compliments are critical hits in this economy, and "you're like... the best" definitely hits in that percentage. That draws out the definite edges of a smile almost in spite of Finn's best efforts.

It's a nice thing to hear someone say. He's easy. ]

How hard can it be to find something new in a town like this? [ Between a couple of decades of not having a life and the sheer variety of life forms trying to make a place for themselves, anything's possible. Finn is maybe a little easy about that, too. ] Worse comes to worst, we can always fall back on target practice and a movie.

[shootsoff]

[Fact is, Roy's living in that same economy. Compliments are everything, when all you want is to fit in and have people. Compliments mean someone cares, someone thinks something positive about you, that you matter.

Taking a shaky breath, he offers an equally shaky smile, and nods a bit.]

You've got a great point there. I hear some of the alien cuisine is spot-on. And I somehow still haven't seen a holovid.

[Another shaky breath, and he pushes away from the bag, lifts a hand to wipe across his sweaty brow.]

You ever been in a steam room? They have a pretty great one here.

[bythehand]

[ Aha. He files that one away for future reference. If they don't end up seeing any holovids in particular for whatever reason, it'll be good to remember Roy still hasn't caught one. Finn hasn't checked a lot of them out in this city recreationally, but he's got plenty of experience with them. Perks of the sci-fi universe.

Actually, even if they do see one, it could be a nice thing to do again on a lighter day, too. All the better not to accidentally build a sad association. Obviously. ]

Haven't really used it. I usually get done and hit the showers. Head out for some target practice or something.

[ Somewhere in the city, Skye feels the inexplicable urge to tell Finn that target practice is training, not real fun. There are a lot of technicalities. ]

I'm not against trying it out, though.

[shootsoff]

[Whether or not they go today or later, Roy's got it in his head now - ask Finn to a movie sometime. And maybe he'd think of it like a date if he weren't so damn painfully aware of how much he doesn't really deserve a date with someone like Finn. Not when he's feeling like this, not when he's in this state, a barely-recovering addict struggling to cling to the wagon. Finn deserves better, just like Jason had (and who probably realized it, that's probably why he left the way he did) and Kori and everyone else he'd lost.

Pushing that thought aside, because all it does is make him want a drink, Roy waves his hand and exhales.]

Join me in the steam room then? It's really relaxing, and I could use that right now.

[A slight smile.]

Sound okay?

[That last question is a little uncertain, more than usual.]

[bythehand]

Sounds fine.

[ He's quick to agree. If it doesn't sound bad, no reason to think it won't be good. As far as harmless time-killing goes. Not that the line in the sand for Roy asking for things isn't well and truly out of sight regardless. The limit might not exist. ]

I like relaxing. [ Finn smiles back. Tips his head. Offers his best "after you" gesture. ] Not always good at it, but I like it.

[ So you know. Nothing personal if he proceeds to bring his posture with him. ]

[shootsoff]

[The quick agreement is kind of a relief, even though Roy feels that familiar surge of weird guilt he feels so often when someone is actually nice to him, agrees to his suggestions without needing to be coaxed and bribed. Like he's pulling the wool over Finn's eyes or something, like he's tricking him somehow. Who'd want to agree so easily to hanging out with someone like Roy anyway? Who'd want to try new things with that kind of easy trust with Roy?

It doesn't make sense.

Still, Roy's never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he offers a shaky smile and ducks his head toward the locker room as Finn gestures that he should go first, and starts walking, tries to ignore the shakiness in his arms that gives him a vivid preview of how sore they're going to be tomorrow.]

Hah. I'm too good at relaxing.

[True, and the first little swipe he's taken at actually talking to Finn about what's going on in his head, what the real problem is - Jason leaving sucks, sure, but the root problem isn't really that. It's about how Roy's reacting, the desire to drink, how damn incapable he is of comforting himself without alcohol, how incapable he is of convincing himself of his own worth.

Heading into the locker room, he strips off his tank top, his shorts and underwear at the same time, and wraps a towel around his waist, glancing over his shoulder at Finn with a half-smile.]

I'll go get the room warmed up. See you in a sec?

[bythehand]

[ There is something in the way he says it. Words that sound like they may have been meant to be a joke, only for the tone to fall flatter.

Finn can't judge anyone for not being good at putting up a front, obviously, but it's definitely something that he notes. The more he's aware of, the more he notes, the better his chances are of helping more than hindering. Sometimes that goal is all he can really think to set.

He's got his shirt off and half-folded when Roy looks back. Someone has to be That Guy. That folding guy. Spend long enough in barracks and there's almost a comforting familiarity to a locker room like this one. Sort of the lack of ceremony that goes hand in hand with nudity. ]

If I get lost on the way, you've got permission not to let me live it down.

[ He will allow it just this once. Not that not allowing it ever keeps him from getting dragged by his beloved friends. Finn drops his shirt onto a bench and starts making quick work of his boots. ]