Ivar "The Boneless" Ragnarsson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ragnarsson) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2018-06-23 11:37 pm
ragnarsson) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-06-23 11:37 pm
It only hurts when I'm breathing
who: Ivar and OTA
what: Catch-all for the month
when: Last week of June
where: All over the city
warnings: Drunk teenager. Fighting monsters in animal form. Ivar being Ivar.
A. Numb the feelings
In the past three months, Ivar had lost four people he cared about. Two he was in love with or maybe he would have been if he thought himself capable of being in love with anyone. It had hurt to lose Letha and Marco, but he thought he'd be able to work past it with enough time. People came, people went. That was life.
To lose his father and Athelstan was worse. They were family and he'd not realized how much he'd come to rely on them during his time here. He and Ragnar had butted heads a lot, but Ivar had finally gotten close to him in a way he'd never gotten the chance to back home. The priest had likewise managed to get his way past the teen's defenses and become a close confidant. They had told him they were leaving. Despite his usual stoicism, Ivar had managed to finally tell them he loved them just before they were gone.
He was unable to really cope with the emotions that had come afterwards. Really, Ivar was only equipped to handle one at a time, so dealing with sadness, loss, grief, and regret altogether was too much for him. So he did the only thing a true Viking would to numb the pain: he went out and got drunk every night for a week. He'd just sit at the bar and drink until he either passed out or was tossed out for causing a ruckus. Though the expression on his face wouldn't suggest it, he could really use some company during these outings.
B. The animal side of things
The other way he found to get rid of feelings was by shifting into an entirely different form. He'd become a dog, or cat, or any number of the other forms that he could take. He just let his mind sink under the instincts and roam the city for an hour at a time. Anyone who encountered him in these forms would find an animal willing to be pet and cuddled for any length of time. Being in animal form was the only way Ivar could allow himself any sort of positive contact with other people.
Of course, that wasn't to say all his forms were sunshine and light. He'd go out beyond the wall and transform into the giant alien form that resembled a cross between a bull and a lion, allowing the predatory instincts to lead him to fight monsters out in the trees. It didn't matter how battered he got from these bouts, morphing back to his human form always took care of any injuries. He wouldn't mind company during these outings, just so long as he got to wreck havoc.
what: Catch-all for the month
when: Last week of June
where: All over the city
warnings: Drunk teenager. Fighting monsters in animal form. Ivar being Ivar.
A. Numb the feelings
In the past three months, Ivar had lost four people he cared about. Two he was in love with or maybe he would have been if he thought himself capable of being in love with anyone. It had hurt to lose Letha and Marco, but he thought he'd be able to work past it with enough time. People came, people went. That was life.
To lose his father and Athelstan was worse. They were family and he'd not realized how much he'd come to rely on them during his time here. He and Ragnar had butted heads a lot, but Ivar had finally gotten close to him in a way he'd never gotten the chance to back home. The priest had likewise managed to get his way past the teen's defenses and become a close confidant. They had told him they were leaving. Despite his usual stoicism, Ivar had managed to finally tell them he loved them just before they were gone.
He was unable to really cope with the emotions that had come afterwards. Really, Ivar was only equipped to handle one at a time, so dealing with sadness, loss, grief, and regret altogether was too much for him. So he did the only thing a true Viking would to numb the pain: he went out and got drunk every night for a week. He'd just sit at the bar and drink until he either passed out or was tossed out for causing a ruckus. Though the expression on his face wouldn't suggest it, he could really use some company during these outings.
B. The animal side of things
The other way he found to get rid of feelings was by shifting into an entirely different form. He'd become a dog, or cat, or any number of the other forms that he could take. He just let his mind sink under the instincts and roam the city for an hour at a time. Anyone who encountered him in these forms would find an animal willing to be pet and cuddled for any length of time. Being in animal form was the only way Ivar could allow himself any sort of positive contact with other people.
Of course, that wasn't to say all his forms were sunshine and light. He'd go out beyond the wall and transform into the giant alien form that resembled a cross between a bull and a lion, allowing the predatory instincts to lead him to fight monsters out in the trees. It didn't matter how battered he got from these bouts, morphing back to his human form always took care of any injuries. He wouldn't mind company during these outings, just so long as he got to wreck havoc.
no subject
Bucky's done a lot for him and Ivar feels it's only right for him to do the same
no subject
He kind of wants Ivar to find out, but he's capable of doing that sort of infiltration and information gathering himself. He doesn't want Ivar's hands to get any dirtier, or for him to be in danger.
"I still don't want you on their radar, if there are any here."
no subject
"But you do know you don't have to do this entirely on your own, right?" Bucky could be amazingly stubborn when it came to trying to do everything himself, even when he had friends willing to help him out. Ivar had learned a long time ago that no matter how much he wanted to be independent, there were certain things he was always going to need help on.
no subject
His expression softens and, after a moment, he nods. "I know. But I don't have many friends, I can't afford to lose them so easy."
no subject
At least if Ivar was getting smart-mouthed again, it meant he wasn't dwelling on his losses. It felt good to know he had at least a few friends here who weren't going to abandon him. It was something he would likely never get used to no matter how old he got. The scars of his childhood ran deep.
no subject
But it felt good to not be forgotten and shunted aside, even if his common sense told him that it might be better for everyone's health if that did happen. It was oddly human in a way that he hadn't been even a year ago, and that's enough to make him smile.
"I'll find out if there are any HYDRA around, you don't need to get involved."
no subject
"I think I'm done here," he says, referring to both the gun range, and to his state of mind. Ivar's sadness and grief at losing his two family members has abated, if only for the moment. He'll bounce back eventually. He always does. Nothing ever keeps the tough Viking warrior down forever.
"I'll see you soon." They always ended up running into each other, whether it was Bucky spying on him or Ivar seeking him out in one of his hideouts.
no subject
At least Ivar is better at it, gives him a proper goodbye, and Bucky just nods to let him go.