riverviewlogs | [open] you can't hide from your shadow

Entry tags:

[open] you can't hide from your shadow

who: cisco + people
what: catch-all
when: june & july
where: various places
warnings: will add as needed

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[ Cisco only then remembers that, of course. Their lovely date, near the beginning of Memoria. The one that he had spoiled by getting so sick, so that Eddie had to hold his hair while he puked, and then console him once he started having hallucinations, and freaking out about them, and then freaking out about freaking out. It makes the whole thing seem worse, in retrospect, and Eddie's patience seem even more heroic.

And he should have noticed, really, that Eddie seemed a little too upset about their holosuite appointment getting cancelled because of the power out. Cisco had just assumed Eddie was having a hard week and that it was one more thing. But he'd never been someone to get discouraged by small things, any time before.

He can imagine, too, although Eddie doesn't say it, that since the incident at the club exhibition where he'd killed someone and spent the next few weeks feeling wretched and just barely getting by, day by day... well, of course, Eddie would postpone, at that point.

But all those false starts and missed opportunities make this coincidence all the more special, and meaningful. So, a little choked up with emotion and with another tear skittering down his cheek, Cisco says: ]

Thanks for- for not giving up.

[ Then Eddie is sliding that ring onto his hand, which is trembling from the flood of emotions. Cisco laughs, breathless and joyful and overwhelmed. When Eddie calls it a cheat, Cisco shakes his head vehemently, hair falling from behind his ears so he has to tuck it back again, admitting: ]

No- it's not a cheat. It's- this is what it was meant for. You remember... when you got it, and I touched it, and I vibed? I saw... us, in the future, and I told you that... but what I didn't say is... I saw it on my finger. And part of me thought- I mean, I hoped, but I couldn't trust it, because maybe it was some other ring and I mistook it just 'cause I wanted it to be true so bad...

[ It had been in the maze to find that ring that they'd told one another that they loved each other, for the very first time. All these milestones, and bright moments of happiness, hanging together, woven into one.

He presses into the kiss, loving the gentle way Eddie touches his face, the feeling of a smile curving his lips and the familiar scrape of his stubble. ]

Is it- is it okay if I tell everyone? Or... I mean, do you want to wait until the party?

[There's no regret in Eddie's mind about what had happened at Memoria - he isn't upset at the reason his proposal was derailed, just a bit disappointed that it had to be. He doesn't, for a second, regret holding Cisco's while he threw up, doesn't regret holding him while he was terrified by hallucinations or narrating what was happening in the room. It hadn't been bad, just not what he'd planned. All of the failed proposals had been that way, and his upset had only been frustration with his bad luck at none of them going the way he'd wanted them to. At not having been able to give Cisco the perfect proposal.

Lifting a hand, he keeps touching Cisco's face, tracing the lines of it, the planes and curves, reveling in the softness of his lips and hair, the warmth of him.]

Of course I wasn't going to give up. You're worth waiting for.

[His voice is soft, and he holds Cisco's gaze.]

I just felt bad, you know? You deserve a perfect, picturesque, romantic proposal. Something really...perfect. Something you can brag about, that makes you feel wanted and special, because you are. You really, really are...

[And then Cisco is talking about the ring, how it's not a cheat, tells Eddie that when he'd first touched it he'd vibed, seen them in the future and the ring was on his finger, that he'd hoped but couldn't trust it, thought it was a mistake...

Leaning in, Eddie kisses him again, his mouth and then his cheeks, where the tears are sliding down warm skin. Shaking his head, he smiles, eyes bright.]

Your vibes are always true, babe. But...you know, I didn't need a vibe to know what this ring was for. It was always for you.

[Leaning in, he presses his forehead against Cisco's and then laughs softly, hiccupping halfway through as his breath hitches with some emotion too good for words, eyes falling shut.]

Of course you can tell everyone. You can tell whoever you want. Babe, I want the whole world to know.

[ Cisco laughs, a little shakily, when Eddie says he wants to make him feel wanted and special. Right now? Here, in this place, tucked away in the shade on a beautiful day, next to his gorgeous boyfriend - no, gorgeous fiancé - he feels like he is those things.

He closes his eyes as Eddie kisses his cheeks, so careful, so loving. He can't think of a time when he has ever been happier. ]

We can do both. I'll text some people later and we can do a whole announcement at the party for everybody else.

[ He doesn't have his real phone with him, after all, and as excited as he is to share the news, right now he can't even imagine tearing his attention away from Eddie for long enough to do so. ]

I was a little scared I was gonna pop the question and find out you weren't really into the whole idea of marriage and everything. I mean, after Iris, and all that.

[ No need to explain the 'all that'. They both know how painful the circumstances around Eddie's brief engagement to Iris were. In small ways, like Joe not giving his blessing, and in big ways, like Eddie getting kidnapped. Cisco presses in closer, tucking a hand behind Eddie's neck and rubbing gently, affectionate but soothing as well. He feels a surge of almost ferocious protectiveness. Nothing bad is going to happen to Eddie, this time. He wouldn't let it. ]

I meant what I said before, too. About going anywhere, as long as it's with you. You're... the part of my future I'm totally sure about.

[ There were other big uncertainties - careers, kids, crises Cisco can't even imagine. But he and Eddie have been through plenty before. If they've made it through all that, what else could possibly stand in their way, that they couldn't get past, working together?

Cisco kisses Eddie, slow and intense; the initial overflow of emotions is sinking back down, leaving him calmer, but still radiant. Like everything in him is covered in an armor of happiness, still and settled but strong and impenetrable. ]

[This moment feels perfect, sitting together in this place on this beautiful perfect day and knowing that Cisco wants to belong to him and for him to belong to Cisco, to twine their lives together in this long-term near-permanent way. It feels safe and warm in a way Eddie hasn't felt in a long time. So he's quiet, while he kisses Cisco's face, touches it, touches his hair and throat and traces the lines of his broad shoulders. Everything about this moment is perfect, and Eddie wants more than anything to be deeply connected to it, to the person he's sharing it with.

Throat choked up, he laughs softly as Cisco says they can do both, and closes his eyes, smiling so broadly he feels like his face will split.]

Good. I have a few people I want to text about it too.

[And when Cisco mentions that he was scared he was going to pop the question and find out Eddie wasn't interested in marriage anymore, he leans back a bit, and is shaking his head before Cisco can even finish the sentence.]

No way. This...this relationship is something different than what I had with Iris. Better. Marriage wasn't about Iris, it was about sharing my life with someone I love, who loves me back. It's been something I've wanted my whole life, what happened with her couldn't ruin it for me. Joe couldn't ruin it for me, Eobard couldn't ruin it for me. This is what I want. Forever, with you.

[Tears well up and spill down his cheeks and he swallows hard, laughing again softly, leaning in and kissing Cisco's mouth again, quick and impulsive and needy.]

I was just scared I was going to propose and find out you wouldn't be interested at all, that it wasn't something you wanted...I should've talked to you about it before. Mmm, and now that you've said yes...I can think of a few other things I want to ask you about...

[ Cisco listens to Eddie speaking, relieved that what he says is true, and also proud of him for saying it. He remembers how reluctant Eddie was to talk about all that, a year ago. How certain of his own worthlessness, that he had deserved the things that happened to him. That Eobard had been right. And now, to hear him saying that none of that could ruin it for him. That he wants to live the rest of his life happy and loved, believes himself deserving of love... that, almost more than all the rest, makes Cisco so happy he feels like he could burst.

He brushes the tears from Eddie's cheeks, laughing with him, and kissing him back. ]

I'm interested. I don't know if I knew I was interested, before us. But it's what I want, now. I'm sure of that. I- I wanna be your husband.

[ Unlike Eddie, he hadn't wanted to be married his whole life. He'd been swept up in all those fictional romances - in movies and books - when he was young, but as he got older, he gradually accepted that sort of story wasn't for people like him. He wanted happiness, but he didn't really expect it to look and feel like this.

He has no idea what else Eddie might want to ask him, but he's so completely happy right now that he isn't at all anxious, only curious. ]

Like what?

Edited 2018-07-18 02:14 (UTC)

[It's all because of Cisco, or at least mostly because of Cisco, that Eddie feels the way he does now, like he deserves love and to be happy, that he can believe that he deserves to have those things. It's because Cisco has shown him over and over again that he does, treats him like he does, and that has slowly come to accept and believe it.

Cisco's hands are warm and gentle as he brushes tears from Eddie's cheeks, and it's only then that he really realizes he'd cried a little. And Cisco is saying he's interested, that he might not have known he was, but that he realizes now he's sure he does want it. Wants to be his husband and Eddie shivers a little at it.]

I want to be your husband too.

[Leaning in, he brushes the tip of his nose against Cisco's, playfully, smiling and laughing a little just from sheer happiness that doesn't fade away when Cisco asks what he wants to talk to him about.]

Oh just...names. If...no, when we get married...I want to take your name. Is that okay?

[ Cisco had not given the name thing any thought. Some part of him had just assumed that he would keep his name, and Eddie would keep his. So it surprises him a little, when Eddie says he wants to take Cisco's name. His eyes widen, but a moment later, he smiles. One of the things that works so well about their relationship is that they know one another's pasts, one another's weaknesses and fears.

Eddie would never ask Cisco to be a Thawne. And of course, his reasons for not wanting to be one, in the future, need no explanation. Cisco knows the things Eobard had said to Eddie, about letting down his family name. He knows about his childhood surrounded by slogans and campaign posters. All the expectations and all the baggage. ]

Eddie Ramon has got a great ring to it.

[ He doesn't need to say any of it out loud; he is certain that Eddie knows that he knows why he would want that. Cisco leans in for another kiss. But now that his mind is in that general vicinity - the things Eddie might want, or not want, for complex reasons. There is a question he's not sure Eddie will know how to ask, and so, he volunteers it, eyes locked to Eddie's, sincere and quiet. ]

I know this isn't as immediate but... if- you don't want kids, because of... you know- I mean, I get that. And I'm okay with it.

[ Cisco wants that clear now, before they go any further. He knows how Eddie's mind works, that he might convince himself at some point that he is hurting Cisco, by preventing him from having something he's always wanted. That his own desire not to raise kids - even with another name, and even if they aren't biologically related to him - might be taking something from Cisco. ]

I meant it when I said you're all I need. Okay, baby?

[Honestly, the idea of asking Cisco to be a Thawne had never even crossed Eddie's mind. Out of both their names, the one that both of them would rather be rid of, after all, is Thawne. And Cisco understands that, it seems, immediately, not that Eddie had thought he wouldn't - they know each other, they know each others' pasts and the ways those pasts have affected each other. It's so easy, with the two of them, to simply accommodate each other's sore spots and trauma without even thinking about it.

Cisco is doing it now, when he simply smiles and says that Eddie Ramon sounds great. Eddie can't help but grin at him, reaching out to kiss him again.]

Right? Eddie Ramon. I really like it.

[For a while, he's quiet, just pressing his forehead against Cisco's and basking in this perfect moment, the perfect way they're sitting here under a tree with glasses of champagne, engaged, rings on their fingers. Together. A unit. A partnership.

And then Cisco starts talking again, his voice quiet and serious and sincere, saying that if Eddie doesn't want kids, he gets it, that he's okay with it, that Eddie is all he needs. For a moment, Eddie feels his stomach clench, his throat go tight, his eyes sting and tears well up under his eyelashes, and he's not sure if it's a sudden rush of grief, or relief at Cisco understanding, or some combination of both. Exhaling shakily, he lifts a hand to rub at his face and laughs in a shaky, sad way.]

That's the thing. I want kids, really bad. I always have. I'm just...you know, I'm scared.

[ Cisco watches Eddie go still, his expression startled and then caught somewhere between fear and sadness. Even if he weren't already emotional, the sight of that would have moved him. He doesn't rush Eddie as he sighs, wipes at his face, gathers himself to reply. Waiting, being quiet and letting Eddie speak, seems like the best call right now. The conversation is easier to have, buoyed on their happiness and this new certainty of one another.

When Eddie admits he wants kids badly but is scared, Cisco just nods. He can only imagine what it feels like, for Eddie. Worrying that doing something that he wants, that will give him joy and fulfillment, might be introducing evil into the world. Cisco reaches over to cup Eddie's cheeks, holding him. ]

Yeah. I get that, baby. I do.

[ Cisco isn't all that surprised, that Eddie wants kids. He seems like the kind of guy who would not only have dreamt of getting married, but also of raising children, teaching them about the world, protecting them, soothing them when they were sick or lonely or confused. There's an ache in his chest, and he goes on: ]

We haven't gotta decide today. I think... I mean, if you want that, we can find a way to make it work. Without- without anything to be scared of. I mean. Aside from... all the normal stuff people with kids are scared about. Like PTAs and minivans and chicken pox.

[ It's a feeble joke, but Cisco hopes it will cheer Eddie at least a little. ]

But we don't gotta make a decision now, and- and my point is, whatever you need, that's what I need. Okay?

[ He takes one of Eddie's hands, pulling it over and resting it on his chest, above his heart. Cisco holds it there, not letting go. ]

[For a moment, Eddie sits and feels sorry for himself, because he has a relationship he loves, a future he looks forward to, a future he'd be willing to bring children into...and the weight of worrying about whether or not having kids is going to unleash one of the worst evils the world has seen. For a moment, he lets the grief about that twist up in his gut, lets himself feel sad and a little bereft, and then he pulls himself together.

He looks at Cisco because this is a happy moment, because Cisco is such a positive force in his life, warm like a ray of sunshine, that he is enough. Enough to pull Eddie back from despair, every time he starts down that path. Cisco nods at him with understanding in his face, says he gets it, calls him baby, says they don't have to decide and that they can find a way to make it work, if they need to.

And then he's talking about things that people with kids are afraid of and Eddie laughs, his eyes still wet, leaning in to kiss Cisco's mouth for a moment, eyes closed.]

Thank you baby. And...and just so you know, so I know you know...you're enough for me too. If we can't figure out how to have kids or you decide you don't want them, I'm okay with that too. You're enough for me, you're all I need.

[Swallowing hard, he watches as Cisco takes his hand, presses it against his chest, he looks at his fingers splayed against Cisco's chest, over his heart, can feel the thump of it through his ribcage, and then looks up at Cisco's face. For a moment, he holds his eyes, feeling choked up - this is an expression of trust on Cisco's part, because Eddie knows what hands on chests means to him, what he associates it with.

For Cisco to place his hand on his chest like that, it shows that he trusts Eddie not to hurt him in a deeply personal, deeply intimate way. Eddie curls his fingers against the solid heat of Cisco's body through the fabric and leans in to kiss him again, eyes closed, brushing his nose against Cisco's, a bit playfully.]

Mmm, I don't know what I did to deserve you, honestly. You're like sunshine, you know that? You keep me warm, you keep me alive, you make everything bright and beautiful.

[ If there is one thing Cisco has learned in the last few years of his life, it's that, no matter how terrifying and huge something might seem, he isn't helpless. He can be brave, and face stuff, and learn, and grow. The thought of kids scares him - but not for the reasons it scares Eddie. What if he turns out to be a terrible parent? What if, without even meaning to, he ends up hurting his kids, in all the ways his own parents had ended up hurting him.

But that is a bridge they can cross another day. And Cisco has no doubt in his mind that Eddie would be a perfect parent, and that he deserves a chance to try.

On a different day, Eddie comparing him to sunshine might have made Cisco crack a joke - about burning him or something of the sort - but today he just laughs softly, overwhelmed and so happy he is dizzy with it. He closes his eyes, too, just holding Eddie's hand to his chest, drawing in a long inhale, feeling suspended in time and space. Like nothing else exists, apart from the two of them. They could be anywhere, at that moment. He could open his eyes and see Central City around them and he wouldn't be surprised.

Cisco doesn't know how long the two of them stay like that, quiet, foreheads pressed together, breathing together. Even without a wedding, even without any legal documents, right at that moment, Cisco feels like the two of them have already been tied together, inextricably. Like Eddie is a part of him.

He doesn't even realize he has the idea before he is speaking quietly, asking: ]

Do you want to try sending a message? Back home? To- to tell your family? I'm not sure, but I think I could do it. If that's what you want.

[While Cisco thinks Eddie will be a perfect parent, Eddie feels the same way about him, like Cisco's compassion and caring, how good he is at teaching, how empathetic he is - all of that is going to make him a great father, a cool dad who will build their kids up instead of tearing them down. Will lead them to achieve their greatest potential possible.

Cisco's soft, happy laugh is enough to distract him from any kind of negative thoughts, any fear. It draws him into this moment, fully, experiencing only what's happening right now (something that is all too rare for Eddie, living in the now instead of in the future, worrying, or the past, regretting and overthinking). He's present, feels Cisco's forehead against his, feels the slow, even beat of Cisco's heart under his hand, the warmth of his body, the way Cisco's warm hair brushes the sides of his face, the way Cisco's warm skin presses against his at the forehead.

This moment is perfect. This moment is something he'll remember for the rest of his life, he thinks, a bright, shining, warm thing that will bolster him on his worst days.

When Cisco speaks, asking if he wants to try sending a message back home to his family, that he thinks he could do it if he wants to, though...Eddie pulls back and looks at him for a moment. Eyes a little wide, he blinks, exhales a bit.]

You mean my family back home? My parents and stuff?

[Licking his lips anxiously, he bites his lower lip, feels overwhelmed again for a moment, with grief, as he thinks about them and what they must think - that he's dead. That he died in the line of duty, or whatever other story had been told about his death.]

What would I say?

[ Cisco can see that he's surprised Eddie, perhaps even startled him, with the suggestion. Perhaps he shouldn't have just blurted it out like that. But he had been thinking about family, been thinking about the things Eddie has been cut off from and denied, all because of Eobard.

What did most people do, after all, when they got engaged? They told their families and friends. So he had thought... perhaps this was something he could try to fix. Some small gift he could give to Eddie.

But he sees how the suggestion only makes Eddie's eyes get that slightly hollow, lost look, and Cisco regrets his impulsiveness. He moves, coming over to sit beside Eddie and set a hand agains the small of Eddie's back, rubbing there. Cisco bites back the urge to apologize at once and tell him to just forget it. It was too late; he can't un-pull that trigger, and doesn't want to complicate things by making Eddie feel like he has to comfort him. ]

I don't know. You- you don't have to. I just... didn't know if you would want to. If that was going to be something... missing, that you'd be sad you weren't able to do.

[ Cisco turns, pushing his hair from his face so he can check how Eddie looks, worried and loving and quiet. ]

You don't gotta decide right away.

[Cisco's right - Eddie is startled, caught off guard, a little hesitant. It's true that people tell their families when they get engaged, and for a moment, he's just caught up in a swell of grief, wondering how his parents would have reacted, how excited his mom would have been, wondering if they would've liked Cisco or disapproved. They'd always been conservative, but it wasn't like they didn't know about him...

Exhaling a bit, Eddie lifts his eyes and looks at Cisco, and it's then that he sees the expression on his face, like he's regretting the offer he just made, like Eddie's reaction was bad and he's hurt him. Swallowing hard, he shifts a bit as Cisco sits beside him and rubs against the small of his back, offering support, and it's only when Cisco offers it that Eddie realizes how much he needs it. Leaning into his fiancé's side, he rests his head against Cisco's and closes his eyes for a moment.]

Thank you. It's a good idea, I just...you know, they think I'm dead. I've been dead for a while now, back home, right? What would they think...of a message that their dead son got engaged?

[Exhaling shakily, he nudges his cheek against Cisco's warm, smooth hair.]

I wish I could introduce you to them, take you to dinner with my mom. I think they'd like you. They'd try not to, they wouldn't think they would, but who couldn't like you? Who couldn't love you? You'd win them over in a heartbeat. I know you would.

[Turning his head a little, he presses a kiss against the crown of Cisco's head.]

I'd like to send them a message. Help me figure one out that won't freak them out?

I think... I mean, I would think they'll be happy. To know that, somehow, out in the multiverse, you know- that you're happy. That you have gotten a second chance.

[ Cisco speaks quietly, sitting still and feeling the weight of Eddie's head on his shoulder, lifting a hand to stroke through his hair. The happiness, the grief; the tragedy and now this happy epilogue... all of it is a part of who they are together. They are both, the two of them. Joy, and all the pain that had come before it.

So he laughs, softly, when Eddie says Cisco would charm his parents despite their best efforts. ]

Mmm, are you surrrrre? You might be overestimating my charm with people who don't know what a fantastic kisser I am.

[ It is something he hadn't ever considered before - what it would have been like, meeting Eddie's parents the regular way. Introducing him to his own family. If they go through with the message plan, there's bound to be confusion, and some awkwardness, and perhaps even anger and disapproval. But Cisco can't help thinking, even now... that maybe this was something Eddie needed. Eddie, in particular, because things had been left so unfinished with his family. Because he should have the opportunity to put a nice ending, on his life on Earth, for the two of them to really start their new life together, here.

And perhaps, Cisco thinks, without realizing it, he has some unfinished business, too. ]

We'll figure it out together. I'll- I'll do one for my family, too. We can both tell them about us, and tell them goodbye. So that- so that when we start our own family, there's nothing left undone.

[ He presses himself closer against Eddie's side; the tidal wave of intense emotion is subsiding, but in its wake is a steady, bright, thrumming happiness. A sense of surety. Quietly, but with conviction, Cisco says the words he doesn't think he'll ever tire of saying: ]

I love you, Eddie.

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[open] you can't hide from your shadow

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