And he doesn't really even know what Billy is talking about, but he's going to assume it's not the killing from earlier-- not yet anyway. He lets out a sigh, looking between Billy and Loki for a moment, debating if he really should speak up or just excuse himself for a moment.]
... Come on. None of us have handled anything spectacularly well lately. We've all said and done things we regret, I think. Let's try not to do that again here?
[And Loki looks like he's bordering on miserable again and Billy is being defensive.
... And Teddy is kind of just-- guilty. It's his showing up that apparently caused most of the turmoil that's not evil cultist-related after all. He wants to help, but he honestly has no idea how. It's a frustrating feeling he's gotten a lot lately.]
Billy-- can you go a little easier on him? Maybe he didn't react well to-- any of this. I didn't either. It's not easy when everything you sort of took for granted turns upside down on you though, and even with all the reassurances in the world, it's kind of really easy to not feel good enough, or like you'll still have a place.
[He can at least understand where Loki feeling inadequate comes from. He's still dealing with that himself. And he can understand where Billy is coming from too, as perfectly reassuring as he's been trying to be to both of them.]
But he doesn't want to lose you. I can't honestly blame him either.
( there are so many things he wants to be pissed over. this whole thing. the thing with loki before getting kidnapped, the thing with loki after getting kidnapped. he's--just trying his best to navigate his way through this, trying to figure this out, how he's supposed to function here between the two of them and loki's the one who said he wanted to be the other man, that he couldn't handle being the boyfriend dating someone who had someone else and it's all.
everything hurts. he spent the last several days in an underground cultist hideout waiting for dead people to take his body as their host, watched teddy get beat up, watched tommy start to lose his shit, fought hard, talked to wanda about complicated stuff, and he's
so done with everything.
billy starts to press his lips tight together, immediately regrets it when it pulls against butterfly bandages, winces and instead tries to take a drink out of that cup. at least get the gross taste out of his month. )
[ It's surprising to hear Teddy come to his defence but, after their little sit-down in the corridor, not as much as it could be. Loki doesn't ... do this. The blame shifting his way, it throws him off-kilter into a flight-or-fuckin-fLIGHT syndrome, even though he knows he deserves Billy's ire. Attempting to rescue him after days spent agonising over losing him has clearly had no impact except a sour one, thanks to the deaths of a few lunatics, and he just has no impetus left to try and mend more. When he did, he became the bad guy.
He stands, snapping his fingers at them in shotguns. ]
Hey, so, I'm gonna go get a coffee [ he starts to vanish mid-sentence, teleporting out with a hastiness that briefly illuminates the room, ] on the other side of the moon.
[ He fucked up, he tried to make amends with a rescue; everything failed. So, he's out for now. Is he allowed to be angry and frustrated? He is. Teddy will undoubtedly be here for Billy to bitch him out to. ]
[But it's kind of too late. Loki is gone and Billy is still being stubborn-- and he gets it. He does. None of this is easy. None of them clearly know what to do... besides upset and hurt each other, he guesses.
He lets out a sigh, taking a moment to bury his face in his hands, scrubbing over it. No, he won't leave Billy. Someone has to make sure he doesn't try to run back into a fight just yet, he figures.]
I'm sorry. I kind of really messed things up for you two...
( physically worn out, mentally work out, exhausted and pissed and ready for another nap but also afraid of what he's going to see when he closes his eyes and everything is awful, confusing, and weird. billy doesn't--get what's going on, what's going through loki's head, how he's supposed to deal with any of this and loki's fucking running off.
no sir. loki's not going anywhere. ) No, you're not--get back here, Loki.
( exhausted but not out of juice in the least. billy's already sitting up, so he takes a free hand, raises it up to grab onto the flee-attempting godling the moment he starts to phase back into the room. )
I just--want an answer! You want me too much, you don't want me, I've already given you up, you can't deal with it, you want me too much, just--give me something.
[ It's as if his own volition is revoked; a hand snatches hold of his wrist and magic yanks him back into a room he's already left, a startled yelp preceding his staggering return into the hospital room. His pulse races, having never had anyone force him to stay put before, and he looks more alarmed than concerned with Billy's haggard demands.
Vulnerable. That's how he feels. He hates it, looking at Billy warily. ]
Firstly, [ does he sound shaken, oh well, ] don't ever manhandle me like that again, I don't give a fuck what your reasoning is. And secondly ... I really do need that coffee now.
[ Only this time he will make his way unsteadily to the door, leaving it open in his wake. ]
( using magic to force loki to stay put is a really shit idea in every sense; billy knows that well enough but he's fucking tired of these games, of the running, avoiding talking about problems and then making a huge mess of it later. he's unsteady on his feet still but that doesn't stop him from swinging legs off the massive hospital bed and clambering his way out the door after loki himself. )
I wouldn't manhandle you if you'd just--use your words!
( he'll run into as many fights as he wants, thanks. )
[Teddy gets up to rush after the two of them because god knows there's going to be a scene and yelling and just--
He's got to at least try to stop it.]
Both of you, stop!
[He pulls himself up to his full height, ignoring any protests his body still gives as he tries to get between them.]
How about we all just take a fucking minute to just calm down!
[Normally, he doesn't swear, not unless he's pushed really far. Damn if this doesn't do it. He's tired too-- worn out and exhausted and hurt, physically and mentally.
He doesn't want to see Loki and Billy inflict any more damage on each other. He just-- can't do that right now.
He crosses his arms stubbornly, looking between them.]
Please? Before we do or say anything else we'll regret later. This isn't helping.
( teddy cursing is definitely enough for billy to stop and. realize exactly where they are, where he's dragging this fight out to, what they're even stopping to fight about and he--pauses for a moment, expression pinched tight and clearly pissed, but--
stops. raises a hand to rest it against the nearest wall. takes a second to ground himself. )
Sorry--sorry, I just. Please don't run away. ( billy's voice cracks a bit, brows furrowing. ) Thank you for--getting Teddy and me out of there. Even if I'm still mad about what you did, I--appreciate your help. Thank you for staying with me when I was out, even if you knocked me out I just--I don't know what you want or where we stand or any of it and every time I think I have it figured out you change it up again and I really--don't like this, feeling lost.
[ It's very fortunate Teddy is there to interject himself into the fight, otherwise the shouting would have escalated. As it is, Loki takes deep steadying breaths with conscious effort, eyes narrowing. ]
You asked me back there why I came for you, then when I said it was because I love you? You questioned it. I was entirely prepared to take care of you, but you made it overtly apparent you didn't give a shit about me.
I want someone who isn't such an entitled child that he expects me to be okay with sharing him around within a week of his exe's return. Who would be? I want some of my efforts to keep you safe and healthy appreciated, not treated as inconveniences. I want to be able to leave a room when I choose, even if you do hold power over me. And I don't want to be the bad guy for peace-ing out when I get none of that, just because it's convenient for your depressed soul to cry over not getting what you want. I've done nothing to you except feel unwanted and tried to overcome it.
[ Anguish sticks in his throat, twisting his angry scowl into something sadder. ]
Where has my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend gone? Fuck off, William Kaplan. Go and rest up from all your wounds, I'm sure I created most of them.
[ Enraged and miserable, he turns on his heel to storm out. ]
[He throws his hands up, tries to ignore the way his eyes sting. He's angry-- mostly at himself, at this place. He's hurt and he's... tired of feeling like that. He's tired of feeling out of place and useless, and like he's stepping into something he has no right to be in.
And more than that, he's tired of hurting other people. He's hurting Billy and Loki and he's just--
No, he can't do that anymore.]
Stop! [He calls to Loki, already taking a step back.]
I've spent the last several days trying to stop people from being hurt and watching it happen anyway... and like hell am I going to be the one who keeps hurting either of you or wrecking whatever future you had planned. Fuck this. I can't do it. If I'm the one who's causing this mess... I'm taking myself out of the equation. I'm leaving--
Both of you... just go back to being happy and-- just forget I'm here. Seriously. I can't-- do this. I can't. Especially not right now. Stop fighting and work it out!
[He turns on his heel with every intention of pushing past Loki and Billy both. He needs to go home, or to go back and beat up some idiot fanatics or something. It doesn't matter.
If he's not there, if they're not trying to figure out what to do with him now that he is maybe they'll be okay. He doesn't know. He hopes so.]
( no, none of this has worked out as he expected it to. teddy's taking off, loki's taking off, and there's so much he wants to say but there's no time, he can't stop them both without using magic to do it and loki's already proven that trying that route is only going to get everyone involved angrier.
you can't force people to stay and listen. can't force words and keep it genuine. there's nothing that can fix this.
billy drops to his knees in the hall instead of trying to chase after either of them, tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he raises both hands to his face, uncaring for the pain that causes the gross colored bruises on the side of his face, and gasps out between tears: )
Fuck, I want to disappear, Iwanttodisappear I--I want to stop--
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no subject
And he doesn't really even know what Billy is talking about, but he's going to assume it's not the killing from earlier-- not yet anyway. He lets out a sigh, looking between Billy and Loki for a moment, debating if he really should speak up or just excuse himself for a moment.]
... Come on. None of us have handled anything spectacularly well lately. We've all said and done things we regret, I think. Let's try not to do that again here?
[And Loki looks like he's bordering on miserable again and Billy is being defensive.
... And Teddy is kind of just-- guilty. It's his showing up that apparently caused most of the turmoil that's not evil cultist-related after all. He wants to help, but he honestly has no idea how. It's a frustrating feeling he's gotten a lot lately.]
Billy-- can you go a little easier on him? Maybe he didn't react well to-- any of this. I didn't either. It's not easy when everything you sort of took for granted turns upside down on you though, and even with all the reassurances in the world, it's kind of really easy to not feel good enough, or like you'll still have a place.
[He can at least understand where Loki feeling inadequate comes from. He's still dealing with that himself. And he can understand where Billy is coming from too, as perfectly reassuring as he's been trying to be to both of them.]
But he doesn't want to lose you. I can't honestly blame him either.
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everything hurts. he spent the last several days in an underground cultist hideout waiting for dead people to take his body as their host, watched teddy get beat up, watched tommy start to lose his shit, fought hard, talked to wanda about complicated stuff, and he's
so done with everything.
billy starts to press his lips tight together, immediately regrets it when it pulls against butterfly bandages, winces and instead tries to take a drink out of that cup. at least get the gross taste out of his month. )
He's the one who said I already gave him up.
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He stands, snapping his fingers at them in shotguns. ]
Hey, so, I'm gonna go get a coffee [ he starts to vanish mid-sentence, teleporting out with a hastiness that briefly illuminates the room, ] on the other side of the moon.
[ He fucked up, he tried to make amends with a rescue; everything failed. So, he's out for now. Is he allowed to be angry and frustrated? He is. Teddy will undoubtedly be here for Billy to bitch him out to. ]
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[But it's kind of too late. Loki is gone and Billy is still being stubborn-- and he gets it. He does. None of this is easy. None of them clearly know what to do... besides upset and hurt each other, he guesses.
He lets out a sigh, taking a moment to bury his face in his hands, scrubbing over it. No, he won't leave Billy. Someone has to make sure he doesn't try to run back into a fight just yet, he figures.]
I'm sorry. I kind of really messed things up for you two...
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no sir. loki's not going anywhere. ) No, you're not--get back here, Loki.
( exhausted but not out of juice in the least. billy's already sitting up, so he takes a free hand, raises it up to grab onto the flee-attempting godling the moment he starts to phase back into the room. )
I just--want an answer! You want me too much, you don't want me, I've already given you up, you can't deal with it, you want me too much, just--give me something.
no subject
Vulnerable. That's how he feels. He hates it, looking at Billy warily. ]
Firstly, [ does he sound shaken, oh well, ] don't ever manhandle me like that again, I don't give a fuck what your reasoning is. And secondly ... I really do need that coffee now.
[ Only this time he will make his way unsteadily to the door, leaving it open in his wake. ]
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Well, this is certainly a mess, isn't it?]
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I wouldn't manhandle you if you'd just--use your words!
( he'll run into as many fights as he wants, thanks. )
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You don't damn well own me! How's that!
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He's got to at least try to stop it.]
Both of you, stop!
[He pulls himself up to his full height, ignoring any protests his body still gives as he tries to get between them.]
How about we all just take a fucking minute to just calm down!
[Normally, he doesn't swear, not unless he's pushed really far. Damn if this doesn't do it. He's tired too-- worn out and exhausted and hurt, physically and mentally.
He doesn't want to see Loki and Billy inflict any more damage on each other. He just-- can't do that right now.
He crosses his arms stubbornly, looking between them.]
Please? Before we do or say anything else we'll regret later. This isn't helping.
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stops. raises a hand to rest it against the nearest wall. takes a second to ground himself. )
Sorry--sorry, I just. Please don't run away. ( billy's voice cracks a bit, brows furrowing. ) Thank you for--getting Teddy and me out of there. Even if I'm still mad about what you did, I--appreciate your help. Thank you for staying with me when I was out, even if you knocked me out I just--I don't know what you want or where we stand or any of it and every time I think I have it figured out you change it up again and I really--don't like this, feeling lost.
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You asked me back there why I came for you, then when I said it was because I love you? You questioned it. I was entirely prepared to take care of you, but you made it overtly apparent you didn't give a shit about me.
I want someone who isn't such an entitled child that he expects me to be okay with sharing him around within a week of his exe's return. Who would be? I want some of my efforts to keep you safe and healthy appreciated, not treated as inconveniences. I want to be able to leave a room when I choose, even if you do hold power over me. And I don't want to be the bad guy for peace-ing out when I get none of that, just because it's convenient for your depressed soul to cry over not getting what you want. I've done nothing to you except feel unwanted and tried to overcome it.
[ Anguish sticks in his throat, twisting his angry scowl into something sadder. ]
Where has my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend gone? Fuck off, William Kaplan. Go and rest up from all your wounds, I'm sure I created most of them.
[ Enraged and miserable, he turns on his heel to storm out. ]
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[He throws his hands up, tries to ignore the way his eyes sting. He's angry-- mostly at himself, at this place. He's hurt and he's... tired of feeling like that. He's tired of feeling out of place and useless, and like he's stepping into something he has no right to be in.
And more than that, he's tired of hurting other people. He's hurting Billy and Loki and he's just--
No, he can't do that anymore.]
Stop! [He calls to Loki, already taking a step back.]
I've spent the last several days trying to stop people from being hurt and watching it happen anyway... and like hell am I going to be the one who keeps hurting either of you or wrecking whatever future you had planned. Fuck this. I can't do it. If I'm the one who's causing this mess... I'm taking myself out of the equation. I'm leaving--
Both of you... just go back to being happy and-- just forget I'm here. Seriously. I can't-- do this. I can't. Especially not right now. Stop fighting and work it out!
[He turns on his heel with every intention of pushing past Loki and Billy both. He needs to go home, or to go back and beat up some idiot fanatics or something. It doesn't matter.
If he's not there, if they're not trying to figure out what to do with him now that he is maybe they'll be okay. He doesn't know. He hopes so.]
Goodbye.
no subject
you can't force people to stay and listen. can't force words and keep it genuine. there's nothing that can fix this.
billy drops to his knees in the hall instead of trying to chase after either of them, tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he raises both hands to his face, uncaring for the pain that causes the gross colored bruises on the side of his face, and gasps out between tears: )
Fuck, I want to disappear, Iwanttodisappear I--I want to stop--