riverviewlogs | feel like a brand new person

feel like a brand new person

who: Aoba Seragaki and Dave Strider
what: GET LIT (also flowers of forced truth)
when: Sometime during the April event
where: AT THE CLUB!!!!
warnings: None right now, will update in subject lines in the off-chance things get spicy?

[ What does one do when they are suddenly reunited in the midst of a festival with a dear friend? When it's one so absent-minded as Dave, then you keep it simple, short and sweet. When you're Aoba, it's likely to be conservative until you find a means to loosen his tongue. The answer, therefore, is always alcohol, and the festivals are more than eager to deliver in that regard. So it's on plush sacks filled with soft pellets or feathers that the pair find themselves, staring up into a clear sky glittering with stars and moons and suns and earths.

Aoba is several drinks in and his talkativeness betrays this level of intoxication. He threads flower stems together as he grins lopsidedly at Dave, the effects of his drink have long already set in. ]

What do you think about the whole 'many other worlds' thing, anyway? I don't really know anything else but this, but... maybe you and your multiverse-hopping self can shed a little light on plebs like me?

[ Aoba waves vaguely as he drops a crown of flowers over Dave's head and shades. Made of Valerian. He has way, way too many of those and he's trying to offload them. And what better way than to make a flower crown whilst drunk? Aoba blinks down at Dave and then bursts into a giddy laughter. ]

Hahaha! I made it too big!

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[Dave wasn't planning on being back here, again. So soon. Apparently he came back again, but he's not sure he quite remembers it. It wasn't like the first time he was here, he knows that much.

But he's getting used to shit that he has no control over just happening, and he can at least enjoy the crap that isn't totally intolerable. It's a breath of fresh air compared to his world, it's so full of strangers. There's no reputation as some sort of Hero of the Universe, no expectations of him.

It feels kind of free.

He's a few drinks in himself, and his tolerance isn't great. He's mostly at a place where he feels sleepy and relaxed, enough that he leans in to accept the crown that Aoba lays down upon him. A small smile plays at his lips when he looks down at the loop of flowers around his neck.]

Aloha? [He raises a brow over his shades.]

Well I mean, maybe it's a little narcissistic of us to assume we're the only universe. Maybe we need to accept that things are always bigger than they seem. [He shrugs, plucking a flower from his lei-crown so he can tuck it in the top of Aoba's shirt.]

It's scary, though. [He admits, and he feels like he didn't mean to say that.] It's like when you think about the ocean and all the creepy shit that lives so deep down there that we don't even know it exists.

[ Like Dave, Aoba has learned to go with the flow of this place. Faerie lights, strange elevators, even flowers that tied people together or rewound the measuring tape of time or unraveled it forward. ]

That's true, and deep... technically. I mean. The ocean is deep, at least in my world.

[ Aoba slumps back onto the lopsided sack that serves as their couch. His shoulder leans onto Dave's, but he's careful not to let his hair get pinned between them. He picks up a bundle of Valerian flowers and starts fiddling with them again. ]

Do you want me to keep adding to this? I'm pretty sure there's enough here to make, like... a toga.

[ Aoba starts weaving more together in another attempt, simply for something to do. He likes the smell of them, but without thinking he finds himself correcting his exaggeration immediately. ]

Probably not even enough for a sash, but I'm just trying to be witty.

[ Even with a few drinks in his system, Aoba realizes the joke falls flat even as it leaves his mouth. It's the honesty that ruins it. Aoba's giddy smile seems to get chased away from his face, but that's mostly because of what follows. Dave is absolutely right, this place scares him. ] ...You're right, though. It's scary. There's a lot about this place that's scary.

The ocean was deep in my world, too. Because my world was Earth. Actually, I think it might be as deep on Earth 2, Electric Boogaloo since it’s. You know. Earth 2. It’s not like we thought “hey, let’s remake Earth but without the fricken ocean.

[Dave glances at Aoba when he leans in, but he holds steady and doesn’t reel away like he might have before. He thumbs his lei, contemplative.]

I like it. [But he doesn’t think he would normally admit to that.] It makes me look fun and sexually ambiguous.

[That part he probably meant to say.]

But, like, overall do you like it better here?

Earth 2?

[ The look on Aoba's face is kind of vacant, not really understanding what he's talking about. But a glance down at the lei and he huffs a laugh, because he honestly has a point. It adds a sort of flamboyantly festive look that fits in places with grass skirts and tropical weather, only the flowers are all wrong. ]

Yeah, it kind of does, doesn't it?

[ It's short-lived, thanks to the frankness these flowers grant. But he's also tipsy, and forced-truth flowers combined with the looseness of alcohol ends up with some preachy results. ]

Mm... overall, probably. I have a fun job, I've made friends.

I hate that I feel useless a lot of the time, stuff happens and people fly around do heroic things, and I'm just kind of that extra who runs away from the giant monster or dies horribly. But it's nothing close to having your boyfriend go through the portal without so much as a word.

[ Aoba threads more flowers together, but ends up tying some into some clumsy knots as he furrows his brows. ]

I mean, I guess I like it here but it's hard to say if it's better.

...How about you? Do you like this place more than, um. Electric Boogaloo?

Earth 2. [Dave corrects, easily.] It's the world we got when we won the game, after they destroyed Earth 1.

[He answers because he feels he needs to, but he doesn't relish it. He pushes out the answer and focuses on Aoba's response instead, cocking his head to the side.]

Heroic stuff is overrated, anyway. It's a rush, sure, and you do it because you have to but like- a normal life? 9-5 job, a house, pets and hobbies? That's the good shit.

[He takes a sip of his drink, leaning back into his chair and studying Aoba for a moment. He's reading his reactions, but he's not very good at it.]

I didn't know he left. How long ago did that happen?

[ Aoba falls into a stunned hush as he drops that bomb. End of the world stuff or some kind of virtual reality thing? He makes a soft, confused sigh as he tries to let that sink in. ]

Heeh...? You make it sound like you live in a video game. Is it VR?

[ He's confused, but curious. Aoba is reminded of the virtual reality game in his world, a place some people are obsessed with as the only way to feel 'alive'. ]

I'm not exactly sure on the date, but it was a few months ago. I'm kinda... [ There's just no sugar-coating when you're under the effect of this flower, it seems, so Aoba finds himself blurting things that he usually wouldn't. ] I'm really upset about it for a lot of reasons.

[ Aoba drops his hands and the lei-in-progress onto his stomach and slouches more in his chair, turning his head to look at Dave. The smile he gives looks a little pained and apologetic. ]

...It's so frustrating that I usually cry when I talk about it, so I try not to. I guess I'm kind of a crybaby.

Yeah, something like that. [He can be honest without saying much, he's starting to discover that loophole. It would be even better if he could figure out exactly what makes him want to say everything he's actually thinking, but he's starting to worry it's just Aoba doing it to him.

His mouth twitches in an indiscernible expression, as if he's uncomfortable and unsure at the same time. He doesn't like that Aoba is upset, but he feels conflicted by what he wants to say.

Which. Of course. He just blurts out.]

It's not like it's a bad thing, right? Being able to experience your emotions as you have them is hard. I mean, I don't think any less of you and why wouldn't you be upset?

[He babbles, trying to talk around what he wants to say, but the inevitable honesty slips out.]

Me? I'm glad he's gone. No tears here. Nope.

[He's going to sink down into his chair now.]

[ Aoba kind of assumes it's the drinking that's making him blab like this, and in a way it is helping. He tends to become a bit preachy when he's drunk, his filter failing to stop him from talking about the things that even bother him a little bit, resulting sometimes in hilariously obnoxious arguments where he fusses over things that makes zero sense. ]

I guess, but... I worry a lot about -- I don't want people to think I'm weird or a crybaby.

[ Both things that he struggles with from living in a culture that vilifies or trivializes men like him, preferring men behave a certain way or love a certain way. ]

...I think I already knew that, like even when you say judgmental things... it doesn't feel like you're really serious about it.

[ His flush response kicks up as he feels his embarrassment grow. He's babbling and he hates it, but the comfortable and warm feeling from the alcohol is putting some distance between him and feeling that humiliation, so he stops to take another drink. He feels like he's being a huge downer, talking about this stuff when he only wanted to have a fun time with Dave, who he hasn't seen in a long time... when he's honestly felt very lonely.

Aoba's so stunned by that comment that he doesn't even think to be hurt by it. He didn't expect Dave to say something like that, so he's more confused than anything else. Aoba pulls away mid-sip, the straw falling out of his mouth. ]

...What?

[Dave quite recently escaped the trappings of toxic masculinity. It's far enough back in his life that he can reflect on it and not measure others against it, but he still can't quite apply it to himself.

So he kind of envies it in other people. Kind of.

Right now, he doesn't appreciate anything about openness and honesty. He hoped Aoba would be drunk enough to breeze past it, but that thought dies along with his confidence.]

Uhhh, I mean.. [Dave shrugs, but that's not an answer and he knows it.]

What can I say? You're a cute guy. I'm half gay. I like attention and I like.. getting it from you and not thinking about your boyfriend.

[Dave takes a looooooong sip of his drink.] Like. Ever. So we can probably just stop talking about him.

Edited 2018-05-19 17:06 (UTC)

[ Aoba feels a little shell-shocked. He's not sure how he's supposed to feel and the drink has caused such a delay that they arrive in a jumble, far too late to avert an awkward silence that follows as he struggles to reconcile them one by one... and with little mental capacity and a failing internal filter like he has right now, it's doomed to failure. There's a lot he'll want to respond to, that warrants a response, but he's not exactly equipped to. ]

...Oh.

[ There's a bit of tightness in his chest. But also a nervous flutter in his stomach. He thinks one moment he feels that sinking sensation of disappointment, like he just embarrassed himself or did something wrong. Then that nervous sensation when he starts to question what Dave meant by all of that. But somewhere in there, there's a dull sensation of hot anger that creeps in, mad that Dave isn't sorry that he's been so solidly dumped. Add in brain power rendered ineffectual by alcohol and you have a hot mess.

During all this internal turmoil, Aoba's been stirring the shit out of his drink. Annoyance wins out as the easiest thing to react to and he finally pulls the straw out to poke Dave in the chest with it. ]

It's... it's not like I didn't warn you. And you're not really one to talk! You left me too - without a word - I was really lonely!

Just how am I supposed to pay attention to someone who isn't even here?

[ Ohhhh boy. ]

[Dave spreads his hands and looks down at the straw on the chest, it's as if he's been stabbed and he's just not terribly impressed by it.

But he deserves it, so he accepts it. He would very much like to move past this, he's so uncomfortable he could get up and walk away, but he won't. Instead, he grits his teeth and tries to answer the questions as vaguely as he can.]

I guess I didn't think I meant that much to you. [Bitterly? Sort of. It's just how his insecurity sounds when it comes out.]

First of all, you're killing me. Second of all, I obviously meant that I like it when you pay attention to me when I'm here to pay attention to.

...

[ Aoba draws back, the irritation evaporating as he registers the bitterness in his tone (and maybe the implication too). Insecurity is a fairly common ailment, and Aoba's own relationship with anxiety is like a toxic, codependent one - he hates it but can't really shake it. He turns his accusing tone back on himself, thinking he did something wrong, pushed Dave away maybe.

Maybe he pushed Noiz away too. ]

Um. I... have a hard time expressing myself. Especially when... it's embarrassing. Sorry I wasn't a... you know.

[ Aoba drops his eyes from him and looks away, his face reddening as he mutters on his way to take another sip. ]

A better fri--

Nghk!!!

[ Somewhere in all that, Aoba had accidentally replaced his straw with a flower and attempted to drink it. Which means he basically hits himself in the face with it and sputters.

Good job, hero. ]

I don't think it has anything to do with you. It's just how I roll.

[Dave shrugs. This evening started so well, but now his discomfort seems to tighten around him to the point where he almost feels paralysed by it.

His eyes fall to the ground, but they shoot back up when Aoba seems to choke.]

I think you've had enough, buddy.

[ Aoba feels embarrassment drape over him like a heavy blanket. It's stifling, dulling his feeling from anything but the weight of that burden. He fixates on how he fucked up, that sensation that he touched on something but instead ended up tripping over it like a clumsy fool kicking a cord out of a wall.

He hates that, he hates feeling this way, and he hates that he ]

I'm fine.

[ There's a smidge more heat in his tone than he intends, but he's trying to diffuse his embarrassment with anger, a terrible combination after drinking. He's well beyond tipsy, judging from the way he uses too much force to push the flower away from his face. ]

...Maybe. I don't feel like I've had enough.

[ He's not talking about the alcohol. But also, he's not sure what he's talking about. There's a general feeling of dissatisfaction, but it's difficult to land it on a single, definitive target. He can't look at the mess of his troubles and pinpoint which of them is the root cause of his turmoil, nor does he know where to start looking. ]

So what do you mean, 'just how you roll' anyway?

[It's times like this that Dave wishes he were better at physical gestures. He feels the need to reassure Aoba, but words seem more like platitudes.

His fingers tap on his knee instead, and he studies Aoba's expression for a moment before he raises a hand for the waitress nearby, gesturing for more drinks.]

I don't know if you noticed, only I do know because I could not make it more obvious, but I'm kind of socially awkward.

[At that particular moment, the waitress steps in and sets the drinks down in front of them. He exchanges momentary, uncomfortable eye contact with her and they both nod before she walks away.]

[ Aoba likewise feels the need to explain or... apologize. But instead he just feels paralyzed by a small standing army of insecurities. He cuts himself off at 'but what did he mean by all of that' and then decides to just throw a flower at him, because he's a grown-ass adult who doesn't know what's happening or what he's doing. It requires less coordination than jabbing his elbow into his ribs. ]

You forgot to include coward.

[ Aoba slurs a petulant accusation that he means as a tease, but of course it comes out all wrong. He says this as if he's any less of one. He's not even sure why he's miffed, except he knows he's all confused in the head about a lot of things and situations aren't helping. Despite this, he flops back on the beanbag seat and against Dave's shoulder. ]

...It's okay, though. I'm not much better.

Coward? That's harsh.

[And he would like to play it off like he's laughing it off, but that really does feel like a bit of a knife between the ribs. Is he withholding something he shouldn't be, here?]

I think we're both better than that, I mean- being awkward socially. I guess it's cowardly but like, you work with what you've got and I haven't really like. Got it.

[He rubs the back of his neck. What is in the god damn drinks tonight? And why does he keep drinking them???]

My childhood didn't exactly shape me into a straight-forward, likable person. --And you know the night is beyond saving when you start talking about your dark, troubled past so like. Maybe we should go home.

[ Slumping into his chair, Aoba lets his head drop back onto it and rolls it to the side to look at him. He's surprised at how his brain-to-mouth filter seems effectively disabled, but how did Mizuki put it? He says he gets preachy when he's drunk, which Aoba disagrees with, but maybe...maybe he's onto something. Maybe he should stop drinking for now. ]

It's true you're weird. [ That was also kind of harsh... ] ...You never talk about yourself seriously, you know that right? So if you start now only to run away, I'm going to take it personally.

[ Oh, that...wasn't what Aoba intended to say, but it was the truth and the hand that covers his mouth is too late to stop the words from blurting out. He regrets them but also doesn't. He feels hurt from Dave saying he's glad Noiz is gone, and thrown off by implications that he's interested in him, and now suddenly just when he feels like he's about to learn something about Dave, he clams up. He looks at him, hand over mouth, and mumbles through it. ]

Maybe we should go home.

I can see why you’d feel that way but it’s not really about you, you know. Or anyone. It’s about me.

[And as he considers it, he’d feel shit if they just went home like this. He doesn’t want Aoba to feel hurt, though he does protest the idea that Aoba should take it personally. He grits his teeth and contemplates it for a moment.]

The way I grew up wasn’t like anyone else’s childhood. Everyone else has a mom or a dad or a grandparent and I had my brother and, I dunno. It never really seemed like he loved me or cared about me or knew anything about how to take care of another living thing.

[Dave leans over himself so he can fold his arms over his knees and slouch.]

So I had to learn to do everything for myself- but I still looked up to him. Like a real freaking chump. I thought the sun shone out of his weird, sadistic ass and now I'm an asshole too. Happy now?

Edited 2018-06-05 12:19 (UTC)

[ It's probably the alcohol talking, but that hurts. It balls up together like some kind of tacky slime ball that collects anything it runs into, bringing it into itself. He thinks he's worthless, something that disgusts other people -- not just because of what kind of people he likes, but because of the things he likes.

So this sort of talk. Of people who don't or won't accept others. It rubs raw nerves Aoba thought he was safe from here. For the most part, at least. He never had a real family like in the movies, with a sibling and a mother and a father. It was always just him and Granny.

Aoba breathes in sharply through his nose and can barely hold it before he asks in an exasperated hiss. He pushes up off the beanbag chair that encourages him to slouch with considerable effort, if only so he can nudge his shoulder with his own and let his own hiss be heard up close. ]

Why the hell would that make me 'happy'? ...That sounds awful!

[ Ah, the misunderstanding... and how people seem to speak the unfiltered truth of their own muddled minds while under the effect of alcohol. ]

Just... what kind of guy do you take me for?

[ Distantly, Aoba knows it's the alcohol talking, and the hurt. The canker sore of losing someone you thought you would have forever, thought you would eventually marry. Now they're gone and in place of it is this hot, sick anger and loss. Some vacuous space that someone else is glad for and Aoba doesn't really know how to reconcile any of it except to be impotently frustrated about it. He pushes his way past Dave and staggers to his feet. ]

No one deserves that, everyone deserves love from... someone! [ Aoba realizes how foolish that sounds. It doesn't make sense to anyone else, right? But he doesn't really know what else to say either, so he just shuts his mouth uselessly against the forced truth effect that relentlessly bares his intoxicated heart to anyone who'll listen. ]

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