riverviewlogs | ( closed ) I'll try not to sing out of key

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( closed ) I'll try not to sing out of key

who: Jim Kirk & close CR
what: a small get-together, and Jim introducing Victor to his friends
when: April 20th
where: a holosuite simulation of the Enterprise
warnings: none expected!

[ Jim's been in the Quarantine for a year now. Plenty of time to make connections, and establish a solid circle of friends that he cares for, trusts and relies on.

Granted, nothing's perfect. Plenty of people have come and gone. A number of names come to mind, too many people who left that he misses dearly. But the people he has here now, he cherishes them immensely. They're important to him, and some of them he'd almost consider family.

And Victor has mentioned more than once that he'd like to meet his friends. Jim's not keeping their relationship secret by any means, and after a month of going steady, he knows for sure how important Victor is to him, and that he'll be an important part of his life for as long as they're both in the Quarantine. So, it seems like the perfect time to set up a little get-together and invite his friends so he can introduce them to Victor.

Finding a place is a little tricky at first, because his loft is still inaccessible due to the flood, and it's not like he's gonna ask Victor to do it at his place. Beverly offers the perfect suggestion, though, and so Jim sets up one of the holosuites with his Enterprise program. Once arriving at the holosuites downtown and stepping inside, everyone will get to walk through a few of the various corridors of his ship, but the simulation is still fairly limited, and there's only so many areas one can visit. The small party itself is happening on the bridge, which would likely be the most inadequate location if this happened to be the real Enterprise. Seen as it isn't, though, no harm done.

There are a few snacks and sweets for people to help themselves to, plenty of drinks to go around (alcoholic and otherwise), and Jim has gone with a selection of old pop and rock music to be playing quietly in the background. It's not much, but it's really a very informal thing. His main purpose here —and he'll be going around the party making sure it happens— is to introduce Victor to his friends. ]

(( ooc: I'll be going around tossing Jim at people, possibly with Victor tagging along, but everyone's more than free to take this as an open log, so set up your own starters and tag around to your heart's content! ))

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Yep, I'd say that just about covers our conversation topics.

[He catches James's eye and smiles. Then watches as John makes the drink]

That's quite a drink. A tiny sword and an umbrella. You didn't tell me one of your friends was a professional bartender, James.

Sounds like another Friday dinner.

[ He teases, an eyebrow raising while John prepares his drink. You know, lucky for you that's just cherries. He does inspect everything to make sure John doesn't use anything with strawberry flavor, just in case. ]

He's a man of many strange and unrelated talents. [ He takes the drink with a happy little hum. Bright and colorful, just as he likes it. ] Thank you.

That’s me. Beer pong and self-destruct sequences.

[They look good together. Comfortable. Happy. The way they slot together is almost tangible.

John takes a long drink of his own drink. His stomach performing an Immelmann turn. Heart hammering in his chest. Seeing Jim with someone stirs up an uncomfortable amount of emotion. Because it’s Jim, and because John isn’t.

Jealous. Protective. Possessive. Lonely. Happy. Relieved. More than that, deeper down. Even more complicated.

It’s doubtful he could untangle that cluster-fuck if he was sober, so right now, with a few drinks in him? It’s safer not to try.

Still, whether it’s the alcohol, or just a flaw of character, John can’t help giving Jim a smile and a look, like some kind of secret between them.

He likes Victor, he really does. Which makes John even more of a bastard.]

And he likes it like that. Sweet. Fancy. A little over the top. Don’t you Jim? We met over this kinda drink.

Probably still have the photo somewhere on my phone.

[It's hard to miss the rapport James and John have with each other. The only people Victor had even close to that level of connection with were Jefferson and Ruby.

It's not like he doesn't understand. He's pretty sure everyone who's ever met James has been charmed by the man. The fact that there are so many people here is proof of that]

Sweet, fancy and over-the-top does sound exactly like the sort of thing he would go for.

I wouldn't mind seeing those photos. Especially if they're embarrassing. [Gives James a teasing nudge]

[ He doesn't like that look in John's face. He doesn't like it the moment he sees it, and he already knows he'll like it even less when John opens his mouth.

It's fairly harmless, what he says. It's the underlying tone that rubs Jim off the wrong way. His own smile is still in place, but it's tense and not entirely genuine. Suddenly he doesn't much feel like sipping on his sweet and fancy drink. ]

You know there's literally no photo of me that would embarrass me.

[ And in all honesty, John's the only one embarrassing himself, here. Moving away from Victor, he reaches for John's glass, taking it away from him before he gets to go for another sip, or downing it in one go. ]

Think you might have had one too many, John. How about you and I go for a bit of fresh air?

Maybe I'll show you sometime. I've got plenty.

[He thinks of the photo of that time he shaved Jim, at his most vulnerable, and knows he could never share it.

Or weaponize it.

Not that it stops him from aiming 'the look' at Victor instead, locking on like a heat-seeking missile. Somewhere between coy and challenging.

But Victor is graceful, and John feels more faceless than ever. He's a good man. John's gut tells him so, and it's usually right.

Jim is less forgiving. John can't decide if he'd been angling for his attention, or was just being a prick. Some combination.

Now that he has it he doesn't know what to do with it. Jim takes John's drink away and he protests because it feels less vulnerable than not.]

C'mon, I thought this was a party.

[John rolls his eyes. Which makes him feel slightly nauseous. He knows it was one too many. What he doesn't know is how it happened.]

Yeah, sure. Air. Fine.

[Victor pauses with the drink at his lips. He doesn't take a sip as he has caught John's eye. And more to the point, the look John is giving him.

He knows that look. He's used it before. Mostly during his Doctor Whale days, but still. He sets his glass down again, eyes darting between the two friends.

He can sense the change in the air. Clearing his throat, he sets down the glass]

I should check on Lucy. Excuse me.

[This might actually make the situation worse but he doesn't really know how to respond to all of it, so getting out of the way seems like a pretty good option]

[ Jim's not even paying attention to John's taunts anymore. Doesn't even connect the dots to remember which photos he could possibly be talking about. He does see the look he aims at Victor and a tiny part of him kinda feels like punching his best friend in the face.

But he doesn't, because he is very patient. And he understands what John's going through all too well.

Victor is a saint, though. Jim wishes he could tell him just that right now, but he has a feeling that anything more than a smile and a gentle curl of his hand on the doctor's arm might just make things worse. So that's what he does, then he lets Victor remove himself from the situation.

Then he turns his attention back to John. ]

Okay, come on. On your feet, Sheppard.

[ His tone is quiet and soft, even if there's something cold and distant in his eyes. He nods towards the door to the turbolift, so they can either find a quiet corridor somewhere to walk it off, or leave the simulation and find some literal fresh air. ]

[John knows he fucked up. He feels it in his stomach like a sickness, all mixed up with rum and coke and whiskey and whatever else he'd thrown down his throat that evening.

What tips him off that he's Fucked Up Beyond All Repair is the look in Jim's eyes, hard like they've never been. The quiet of his voice. No smile. The lack of it, if only because he's gotten spoiled to seeing it almost every day since he arrived in Riverview, is like a slap in the face. And he deserves it.

John doesn't argue. Just jams his hands in his pockets, head down, looking at his feet, because he'd somehow gotten that drunk in the couple hours he's been here, and heads where Jim instructs. Which John's very certain John is out of the building, and onto the street, where he'll hopefully (for his own benefit) walk into traffic.

Even before they reach the door, in case he doesn't get a chance when Jim shoves him out of it.]

Sorry.

Edited 2018-04-28 01:43 (UTC)

[ He did not fuck up beyond all repair, for what it's worth. Jim isn't hat cruel or unforgiving, but as tolerant as he can be, even he has his limits sometimes. And he's not even angry, honestly. He's more hurt than he is angry, like he can't quite believe John would actually be this way to him, just because he can.

He doesn't kick him out the door either. He steps through it with him, silent until they're outside, and the door to the holosuites is closed behind them. ]

No. [ He shakes his head, walks across the street, towards a park nearby. If the fresh air doesn't clear John's head, then shoving it in a water fountain will do the trick for sure. ]

You know what? I was gonna say it was fine, but it's really not. I... I understand you're in a shit place, John, I really do. I know it can't be fixed easily, that you can't will yourself to be fine. But I think I've tried to be there for you. Because I care about you, John, God! Because I love you! And what, this is your idea of repaying me, of showing me just how much you care, too?

[ He barks out a strangled noise, then stops. ]

I don't get it, John. What was the point of that? Trying to make Victor jealous or something, trying to start a fight between us? What was the purpose? Because you know nothing ever happened between us, you didn't have to make it sound like it did. Like I was keeping some kind of dirty secret from him.

[ He grits his teeth and looks away. ] You were there for me. When I lost Bones. You were my greatest support. I like to think I showed you just how grateful I was for that— how grateful I still am. Because that's what you do, when your friends are there for you. You show them how much that means to you. You don't go and try to start a fight over some stupid shit that never even happened in the first place. You don't try to sabotage whatever happiness they may have found just because you're in a bad place.

[John listens to Jim without interrupting. Every point he makes hurts worst than the last. Hurts John, but more importantly hurts Jim. He can see it on his face. Hear it in his voice.

Jim says he loves him, and John's breath hitches in his chest. Shame burning his throat, face and ears. All at once he's too hot. Dizzy. It's not the alcohol, it's emotion. His coping mechanisms are busted. He only knows how to hold other people through their feelings, not himself.

He wants to look away, to walk away, to be anywhere but standing in front of Jim, reaping what he sowed, but he won't let himself. He respects Jim too much. Loves him, too.

But when Jim finishes, John doesn't know what to say. His throat is tight. Locked up. Finally, after what feels like forever, he swallows and manages to grate something out. Voice thick. Hopefully he doesn't sound as unstable as he feels.]

I know. I was out of line. I'm sorry. [Another hard swallow.]

I'll apologize to him. To Victor.

[ Jim opens his mouth. Part of him is probably ready to yell and berate John some more, but the words never quite make it past his throat.

John looks miserable. It's no excuse for what he did, obviously, but Jim feels at least partly to blame for it. He did tell John he didn't have to come, but he just shouldn't have asked in the first place. He should've known John wouldn't want to be here. Same way Jim hadn't really wanted to even be around John and Poe when he lost Bones.

Well, not necessarily the same, but close enough.

He just sighs instead, shoulders slumping. Then shakes his head. ]

Don't. He's probably not even upset about it. [ Really, Jim was more upset by it than Victor. He rests his hands on John's arms, squeezing a little, his eyes softer now. ] You know, if you weren't up for this, you should've just told me. I wouldn't have taken it to heart.

I was up for it.

[That's the worst part. John was, and is, legitimately happy for Jim. He'd told himself this party was something to look forward to. Sure, his life isn't great at the moment, and hasn't been great in a long, long time, but John's always managed to find more happiness through his friends than himself.

But then he got drunk, after telling himself he wouldn't. Because he was too weak to handle a few new faces and see Jim look that much happier with someone who wasn't him. Let the ugly side of himself he keeps locked away out into the open, and just a few minutes was enough to reveal what kind of person he really is, deep down inside.

Jealous. Aggressive. Selfish. Petty.

John looks down, because he can't maintain eye contact. Ashamed and angry. Not at Jim, or Victor, but himself. He doesn't want Jim to see.]

I drank too much on an empty stomach. [Truth, but not the truth Jim deserves.]

And I guess I didn't expect to see you guys looking... so happy together. Not that you don't have a reason to be.

[But for a while, when Jim was lower than low, it was John making him happy. And he's disgusted with himself for missing that right now.]

Good. I'd feel pretty crappy if you weren't, and felt forced to come for my sake.

[ He'd be a pretty shitty friend, having John come along just to rub his happiness in his face. That really wasn't what he was aiming for, and for a moment there, he worried that was what he was doing. That he was the reason why John felt so miserable tonight. Not that it was about him specifically finding someone, just the general idea of two people, being happy together.

Rubbing salt on an open wound, something like that.

He sighs deeply, hands rubbing up and down John's arms. He looks around them and spots a bench nearby. ]

Let's take a seat.

[ John needs to clear his head, and maybe it's not such a bad idea that they clear the air too, talk some things out. Jim's a pretty big advocate of talking about things, rather than ignoring elephants in the room. He's not a fan of being suffocated to death by the things he ignores.

So he urges John towards the bench, getting him to sit down before taking up the space next to him. ]

You didn't force me. I chose to come.

[Jim rubs his arms, and John wants to pull away. The skin to skin contact. The way Jim's looking at him. With a kindness and understanding John doesn't deserve. It's too much. John doesn't know what to do with it.

But it feels good, too.

Which might bother John even more.

He doesn't fight Jim propelling them into sitting. He goes down easy. John isn't really about clearing the air, or talking. He'd rather dress that elephant in camo and rub greasepaint on its trunk. His policy in his life has always been to fight the battles he can win, and run from those he can't. For a man so eager to throw his life away, given the opportunity, he has one hell of a survival instinct in day to day life.

So he doesn't look at Jim right away, eyes fixed on a bed of flowers across from them.]

Is this the part where I say it's not you, it's me? Because it really is me.

[ Jim can't say he doesn't understand that sentiment. There was a point in his life where he'd run away from any remotely serious conversation, and if it involved feelings? Yeah, even more so.

And this is, in a way, uncharted territory to him. John's his friend. A good friend, an important part of his life here. It's something he doesn't want to lose, not until John inevitably goes back through the portal one day, and until then he will fight tooth and nail, do whatever it takes to keep him close.

His lips twitch a little at the question, eyebrow raising a hint. He takes a seat next to John and sighs, leaning back against the bench. ]

I don't think it's much of a secret to you that I'm attracted to you, that I've been attracted to you since we've met. Not sure how much of a secret it is if I tell you that I had a crush on you, too. It kinda sucked, I gotta tell you. It was just before Bones left, and it kinda made me feel guilty, you know? Like that tiny part of me that cared about you was what made him leave. But then you were in a relationship and happy, and...

[ He chuckles, shaking his head. ] You know, there was a point in my life where I'd have acted on it anyway, regardless of you being with someone else or not. I wouldn't have cared if it broke you up, or if it ruined our friendship, because honestly, it's not like I had a lot of friends back then. It was just me, and I did whatever and whoever the hell I wanted, regardless of consequences.

[ He looks at John with an honest look, and precious little embarrassment even despite what he's just told him. ]

I like you, John. A lot. You're important to me. I'm not really sure if I still even have a crush on you or not, but I do know I love Victor, and that I want to be with him. Plus, even if I were single, I... don't know. I don't know if I'd risk our friendship by doing something about... this. Us. You know?

And I think you're jealous, yeah, but not because of me specifically. I think deep down you know you just... you want what I have, but not with me, or because of me. You just feel miserable and lonely, and trust me, I get that. I've been there. But I wish you'd believe me when I tell you it gets better. Just... not with you treating yourself like this.

[That was a lot, and he hadn't seen any of it coming. John was silent throughout Jim's spiel, if only because he didn't know what to say.

When it comes to matters of the heart, he really is clueless. Low emotional intelligence. That's what his ex-wife used to say. And she was right. As always. The Sheppard's never put much stock into emotions. Just Wall Street.

He doesn't know how Jim says it all without an ounce of fear. He's brave. Braver than John will ever be. He's too scared to talk to his own brother, even after they reconnected. Relationships terrify him. He doesn't just struggle in his romantic life. His friendships and family life are equally strained.

John leans forward with his elbows on his knees, hands braced against the back of his neck.]

Would you believe me if I said I was clueless? About you. Not now. Then. I didn't know you... Not any more than anyone else.

[It's hard not to think about what could've been. Would he be hurting right now if it were Jim who came to his door that night, and not Poe? Would they still be together, or would Jim have realized as soon as they were together that John was a mistake and jumped ship like everyone always does?

The ugliest, most selfish part of John still wishes they could try, if only so he won't spend the rest of his life wondering.

He does have feelings for Jim. He always has. They're so intense it's hard to tell what they mean, and lord knows John is too fucking stupid to make heads or tails of it. What he'd pulled at the party was half wanting Jim, and half wanting to be him. Someone who is so full of love, and so lovable.

Either way, the ship has sailed. Jim is over him, as he ought to be. John doesn't have to see himself right now to know he isn't any kind of catch, even without taking that stunt he'd pulled at the party into account.]

It is you, Jim. Yeah, there's all that you said, I won't deny that, but there's you, too. It wasn't a one-way street.

Seeing you with him... I was jealous. I had no right to be, but I was. That's just the kind of person I am. I know you love Victor, and he loves you. I get it. I hope you two are happy together. I'd never do anything to screw that up.

Beyond, y'know. What I already did. I promise I won't do it again.

[As for the getting better part? If it was going to happen after Nancy, it would've. The best he's managed is falling for two, make that three, people he'll never be with. Teyla, Poe, and Jim.

All of them far too good for him.]

[ There are plenty of things to be afraid of. Heights, allergic reactions, poisonous reptiles, losing loved ones. Honesty, however, isn't one of those things. Most people seem to avoid emotional honesty like the plague, particularly, as though being that open makes them weak or vulnerable.

There was a time in his life when Jim would think the same, actually. When building a wall around himself, away from everyone else, was paramount. If he couldn't let anyone close, then he couldn't ever get hurt.

But he was also alone. That was a far greater weakness, he realizes now.

He's not afraid of his feelings, now. Not for Victor, and not for John. Complicated though they may be to navigate at times, he wouldn't hide from them, or lie to himself. He vastly prefers being truthful with John now. It will lead nowhere, but it will clear the air, he thinks. Take a weight off too, in a way. ]

I'm not gonna say I'm glad, but that's... nice to hear.

[ Knowing that someone cares, or has cared, at least. Jim won't lie about that, either. ]

It's fine. I... was pretty jealous of you and Poe too, for what it's worth. [ Jealous and incredibly guilty, since it coincided with the time that Bones left. But at least he never acted on it, despite the emotional mess he was in.

He reaches out and rests a hand on John's arm, squeezing briefly. That hand moves farther up, little by little, until he's cupping John's face. Then he shifts closer and leans in to press a quick kiss to the corner of his lips. ]

One for the road. [ He smiles at John, then pulls away again. ] Come on. I'll walk you back to your place. [ He doubts John wants to go back to the party. And letting John go home on his own is absolutely out of the question. The party can survive fifteen minutes without him anyway. ]

Hah. Well, I showed you, didn't I?

[Re:Poe, because look how that turned out. Jim has zero reason to be jealous of John. He's got a good thing going on with Victor, and he's Jim Kirk.

The kiss is as unexpected as everything else. John blinks twice and puts a hand to his face where Jim touched him. Looks down and away. Yeah, maybe he's going a little pink in the ears. Mostly, he's just touched.

They're friends. Good friends. No matter what happens.

He looks back up at Jim with a crooked smile.]

Designated walker, huh?

[John stands up, leaning into Jim with his shoulder. Playful. Affectionate. Shy. Awkward.

He still doesn't know what to do with the people he loves.]

Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you.

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( closed ) I'll try not to sing out of key

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