riverviewlogs | [log] til the end of the line [closed]

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[log] til the end of the line [closed]

who: Bucky and Steve of MCU flavour
what: Having a chat
when: Early April
where: Steve's apartment
warnings: None

[It was actually his argument with the other Steve that drove him here, though the ill-fated meeting he'd initiated with Pierce had its part to play too. He had got so angry at the other Steve for being only Captain America, for forgetting that Steve Rogers was the one at the heart of the costume, that he had said things that he hadn't even realised he felt.

Things that meant he didn't really have an excuse to keep hiding any more.

He's not comfortable as he slips into the apartment building, that's for sure, all tense lines and careful glances. But he doesn't back off, he keeps on through the corridors until he reaches the right door, and then he knocks after only a moment of hesitation.

It's been a long time coming, but he's finally here to talk.]

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[He barely answers the first question, only with a tiny shrug of his shoulders to say that he has no idea what the other Steve is planning with Pierce. He doesn't want that discussion to overshadow the rest, it had just been necessary context for what he needed to say.

And now he's said it, he doesn't feel the fear that he thought he would. He's still scared, he'd be an idiot not to be, but not so scared that he's thinking about running again. He's not sure how this change came about, but he has a sneaking suspicion that it was gradual and he could blame people like Clark, Ellie, and even Stark.]

Not all of it. There's these big gaps, and some of it's all messed up so I don't know which bits happened first. But I remember meeting you, and I remember your asthma and that time I worked four nights packing crates down the docks to get you art pencils for your birthday only for you to lose 'em a week later chasing some idiots who were harassing a girl. I remember-- I remember a lot of things, and I don't remember even more.

[He pauses for a moment, before looking up to meet Steve's eyes, his own intense.]

I remember that it ain't the end of the line yet.

[It wouldn't have mattered if he'd had an answer to Steve's first question, as now his focus is so completely on Bucky and what he's saying that the other portion of their conversation has faded into the background of his mind. He can worry about the other Steve and Pierce later.

He cracks a grin at the memory, remembering the events so clearly. The pencils had been so unexpected, his first ever set. The moment he had pulled one out of the box and put it to paper he'd felt like a real artist, no longer having to rely on using his ordinary school pencils. He'd felt so guilty for losing them. He had been working on a piece for Bucky, to give to him as a thank you. It never was finished.

But nothing prepares him for the lurch in his chest that he gets in response to Bucky's next words. All at once it's like he's back to the day of his mother's funeral, standing on his porch, as Bucky puts a hand on his shoulder and makes him a promise. He has to look away, blinking rapidly to clear away the wet sheen on his eyes.]

No. It's not.

[He turns back to his friend, eyes damp but not overflowing. He seems to hesitate for a moment before moving forward, slow enough that the other man can evade or pull away if he wants to. He only stops once he's standing right in front of his friend, and then he raises his arms to pull him into a hug.]

[He remembers that day of the funeral as well; but more than that, he remembers standing on a falling helicarrier with Steve saying those same stupid words back to him. Bloodied and hurt, and refusing to fight for the first damn time in his whole idiotic life.

It's why he doesn't move away from the hug, though his body is all tense lines against Steve's body, his flesh arm tentatively wrapping around him in return.]

I'm sorry.

[It's small and heartfelt. He's sorry for so many things, for his whole past, for avoiding Steve here, for the things he might do in the future.]

[Despite the tension in Bucky's body, he allows himself to relax into the hug. It's not something he was sure he'd ever be able to do again. To have again. The easy comfort that he had always been able to find in his best friend. It's not the same. Not completely. It probably never would be. But it's Bucky and he's just so relieved to have his friend back.]

You don't have anything to be sorry for. Not for me.

[He knows that Bucky has plenty that he feels sorry for. Has plenty of people that he may owe an apology to. But not Steve. There's nothing that's happened in the past several years that he blames Bucky for. And maybe he's wrong for that. But he can't find it in himself to care.]

Idiot.

[It's a quiet chastisement, barely there. Steve's such an idiot for forgiving him so easily, for not needing more apology. He's always trusted too much and too hard, it's going to get him killed one of these days.

He stays in the hug for another few moments before pushing back, regaining his own space.]

I can't stay in the city yet, it's not safe with Pierce here, but I can give you a number to call if you need me.

Maybe.

[He can admit that maybe he hasn't always handled things in the best way. Especially regarding Bucky. But he can't bring himself to regret any of it either. Maybe that does make him an idiot.

The reminder of Pierce's presence does ruin the mood a little, but the offer of open communication does a lot to ease Steve's mind.]

Yeah, of course. And that works both ways. If you ever need me, I'll come.

[He snorts in amusement, tiny wry smile at his lips.]

Pretty sure I knew that.

[Like Steve hasn't been trying to come for him since he fell off that damn train.]

Not sure I ever really forgot.

That's good.

[His throat tightens with emotion at his words. If there's one thing he never wanted, it's Bucky thinking that he's abandoned him. Maybe because leaving him behind after his fall had felt like abandonment.]

I never want you to forget that.

I don't think I really gave up fighting them until you went in the water.

[It's a very vague memory, HYDRA officers telling him that Captain Rogers was dead. But he remembers the pain it caused, sharp and severe and crippling.]

[His eyes fall closed against the pain the words cause him. At the time it had been his only choice. The sacrifice he had to make. But to know that it had cost Bucky something as well...hope perhaps.]

I'm sorry.

[His turn to apologize now. But no words are truly strong enough to express how sorry he is. For not being there. For giving up on him. Howard had spent so long and so many resources searching for him and he can't help but resent the fact that the same hadn't been done for Bucky.]

You did what you felt you had to do.

[Although his words are carefully neutral, there's a tiny bit of judgement in his voice. More now, more when he has some of his memories back, he's furious about the choices that Steve made.

The world could never be better off with Rogers not in it.]

I didn't know what else to do.

[He can hear the judgement, no matter how tiny. He knows Bucky that well, and he knows how disappointed he would have been in Steve's choice had he been there. But that's part of the problem.]

I thought it was the only way. The only way to keep everyone safe. And you weren't there to set me straight. So I did what I always do. I threw myself into the problem, not caring if I crashed and burned.

It wasn't the only way.

[And Steve was supposed to be smarter than that, was supposed to care about his own survival more than that.]

You're strong, you can survive cold conditions. You should have bailed out once you put the plane on the crash trajectory, saved yourself. I bet there was even a parachute on board if you bothered to look for it.

[He smiles, a little pained, at the mention of a parachute. He can't help but hear the echo of Natasha's voice lecturing him about being more careful and exiting out of the chopper with a 'chute. Eventually she'd gotten used to his recklessness.]

I didn't have time, Buck. By the time the fight was over and we figured out that I was too far out to land anywhere before it got to New York, I was too close, and putting it in the water was all I could do. Even if there had been somewhere else to land, the controls were damaged.

I had to make sure it went down and stayed down.

You had time to jump out just before it hit the water, you could've swum to safety and still seen it go down.

[He's not buying that it had to be self sacrifice or nothing. He thinks, though it scares him, that Steve had been looking for a reason to jump into a situation where there wasn't a way out.]

In a situation like that I'm not thinking about what would save me. I'm thinking about the millions of people that could be killed if I fail. Maybe there had been another way, but it didn't feel like it in the moment.

[Frustration begins to bleed into his voice. He doesn't know how else he can justify his actions to Bucky.]

[He can't justify them. In Bucky's opinion, there is no reason that could ever be good enough for Steve effectively choosing to die.]

Don't do it again.

[It's a growled order.]

Understand? You live.

[His expression grows pinched with frustration and he wants to argue but holds himself back. As stubborn as he is, he knows that Bucky can be just as stubborn, and if he continues this argument they'll only go around in circles.

He sighs.]

I'll do my best to stay alive.

[He glares at Steve for a moment more before nodding, he'll have to accept that as the best he's going to get.]

Good.

[He takes a step towards the door.]

Then I'll be back another night, talk some more, okay?

[As much of a relief as it is to steer away from the argument they've been having, Steve can't help but feel a little...disappointed to see Bucky leaving. It had been good talking with him after so long being held at arms length.]

Yeah. Of course. You're always welcome.

[He sees the disappointment, but he doesn't back down from leaving. This has been a huge step for him, and he's not ready to just fall back into being in one another's company all the time. He needs to take this in slow stages, and this is more than enough for one night.

But he does give Steve a tiny smile as he leaves.]

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