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riverviewlogs2018-04-02 03:09 pm
volitaunt) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-04-02 03:09 pmEntry tags:
volitaunt) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-04-02 03:09 pm
setting up
But they've never been alone, just the two of them, for an entire week. Uninterrupted. Unreachable. It's strange and disconcerting to be out of contact when so much of the past few years have required him to be constantly at the ready.
What if Kylo Ren or Hux try something while he's gone? What if Finn gets into some kind of ridiculous magic-related trouble? What about Holdo, Leia, Rey, Cassian, Jyn? What about his other friends? What if something big happens and he and John don't know until after the fact because they're out here, enjoying themselves?
Poe wasn't kidding when he said he felt like a traitor for getting away. He feels it again, more powerfully than ever, while he tries to figure out how to pitch the stupid tent. ]
surfing
dat fancy dinner
finding the ship
But no one has been this way in a long while, and the path to get there is less a path than a riot of plants and tumbled stones from the cliff that overhangs everything. They end up cutting off the path, deeper into the jungle, to get around one such collapse. Poe grunts, climbing over a small rise and wiping his forehead. ]
It's going to take us most of the day just to get up there at this rate.
[ A bit of sunlight dodges through the leaves overhead and hits something metallic in the little ravine below, sending a knob of light punching across Poe's vision. He swears and rubs his eyes. ] You see that?
AND THEN, THIS
About that ship, that impossible ship, taken from some universe and lost to this one. About the fact that his mother might be out there somewhere on the capitol world, or that he might be, or that there's a universe where Poe Dameron doesn't come home to Yavin 4 and see the old A-wing at rest between the house and outbuildings.
Maybe there's a universe out there where Shara Bey didn't make it through her war.
It's too much. Too much to think about, too much to wrestle with, too much. And he can't get any of it out of his head. All he can think about is home and how easily he seems to have lost sight of what's important. How distracting this place is capable of being. How dangerous it is to let his guard down.
He was right after all. Going out there was a bad idea. He can't let himself be anything but Commander--Captain Poe Dameron. He can't let himself get lost here, like a ship from some variation on his life.
(He's terrified to find something that matters as much as his duties, something he can't keep. It's better to cut out that part of his heart now, before it becomes too hard to hold the knife.)
He comes to John's office at the PG, catches him as he comes in. ]
Hey. Can we talk?
no subject
Hey. Sure. Come on in. The kids are out playing with C4.
[He closes the door behind them, assuming Poe wants some kind of privacy. John's not entirely uncomfortable with PDA, but they're more low-key at work.
Pilots have a bad enough reputation as it is.]
Saw they cleared space in the shuttle bay for the A-wing. You gonna start work right away?
no subject
He doesn't want to give this up. He doesn't want to hurt John. He wishes this had never happened, that he'd never gotten to know how good being with someone could be. They line up. They match. They're--
(perfect.)
John is beautiful and fragile and he deserves--
(better than this)
--someone who can love him without leaving him. ]
Yeah, that's. Planning on it, anyway, have to see how deep the damage goes.
[ Poe chews on his lip for a second, suddenly afraid. This conversation, this very conversation ruined everything with Karen. And now she's gone, presumably gone home to a place that didn't make her happy any more.
John has Atlantis at least. He'll have Atlantis. He'll have his people, he'll have his life. It would have come to this sooner or later. Sooner or later....
He opens his mouth, takes in a breath, falters. God, those eyes, those beautiful eyes. ]
You know.... You know I care about you, right? [ No, bad, wrong place to start--is there a right place to start? ] You know what I have to go back to.
[ At least with that he's on solid ground. At least John understands who Poe is, what he's living for. They've never had to explain that to each other. ]
no subject
[The former statement makes his heart skip a beat, and the latter is a fact.
John takes a seat on the edge of his desk, one booted foot tucked behind the other. Relaxed. Mostly. There's something about the way Poe's acting that rings some alarm, reminds John of the time Poe came to him after having his future dumped into his lap. At least Kylo isn't around this time. Whatever it is, they can figure it out. Without anyone getting shot. Probably.
He cocks his head to the side, studying Poe's face. Concerned.]
Something happen? You okay?
no subject
There's. [ Under his breath: ] Fuck.
[ He swallows. ] I can't do this. [ Too vague. ] Us. I can't keep going like we don't... Like we have as much time as we need. Like there won't be some day when one of us gets told the portal's lined up and we have to go now, just disappear, maybe get to send a message, maybe not.
[ He can't let himself settle into the idea of them, consider the possibility six months or a year or two years down the road that maybe neither one of them will ever have to leave or get to leave. He can't get used to something this good when it's going to get taken away.
(Never mind the denial, the fear of what the A-wing out in that jungle means. Maybe they won't leave. Maybe they're trapped, forever, waiting for something that will never happen, and accepting that as a possibility is even worse somehow than pretending this is just about saying goodbye.) ]
Does that make sense?
no subject
[It's the last thing John expects, when it should've been the first. He should've seen this coming. He knew it was coming, eventually, in his gut, but he didn't think it would be now. After what was unarguably the best week of the past five years of his life.
The hurt doesn't hit him all at once. Like being shot. The bullet hits you so hard, so fast, you don't feel it right away. First there's the impact. Then there's the initial pain, white hot, like concentrated fire beneath your skin. Or in this case, through his heart.
What comes after is the worst part. An ache that vibrates through your bones, every part of your body going cold, agonizingly numb, as the shock sets in. You don't feel yourself bleeding out, but you know it's happening, and that's almost worse.
Poe's right, of course, they both knew this wasn't permanent, or didn't want to believe it could be. They have their own worlds, causes, and people to return to.
John's eyes stay on Poe's face for a moment, because it's the last time he'll really be able to look at him, before he looks away. Shutters them. Everything he feels, and isn't letting himself feel, until he's alone, he keeps on the inside. The only physical tell is in the white of his knuckles as he grips the edge of the desk.
The rest is locked down. Safe behind a shield.]
Alright. Fair enough.
no subject
That's the worst part.
He knows the shield, stood behind it, saw the man that John protects, and now--
It's a shock, to realize he has no place there any more. He took it away himself. Now he only gets to see the shields go up and know they're there because he opened fire.
In all his thinking about the ambiguous loss of the future, he hadn't really thought about what that loss meant for right now. No more long looks across the room. No more stolen kisses in corners at work, no lingering kisses in the place of farewell at the end of the day.
He won't be able to touch John any more. Won't get to brush his hands across John's shoulder or waist as they pass each other.
For as long as they're both here, he'll have to look at John and know that he belonged to someone in a way he never has, and he walked away from it.
Silence wraps its arms around the room. ]
Okay.
[ He looks back at the door. It holds his focus for too long, seeming to sit at the end of a lengthening corridor, a last chance to stop and take it back, to fix this before it's beyond repair.
Poe looks back at John, who isn't looking at him. That hurts, too, unexpectedly. It's strange to realize he got used to having John's eyes on him whenever they were close to each other. He got used to a lot of things.
He swallows again. ] I'll go.
no subject
Just one more desert.]
Sure. See you around.
[What else is there to say? He can't vocalize any of what he's feeling, or thinking, not without opening himself up to more pain. He's already shown Poe too much. Poe's seen parts of John he's kept hidden for a lifetime, and for good reason. To keep himself, and others, safe from harm.
There's the beginning of a sand storm in his head, a thick, suffocating cloud shrouding everything in darkness.
Why did Poe have to do this here, at work, where John is surrounded on all sides? Did he plan it, in case he thought John would make a scene? Because it would be easier for him to escape? Was this really about going home, or about something else entirely? They both knew going into this it wouldn't last, so why now?
A week with John was probably just long enough for Poe to realize he doesn't want to be with him, and cut his losses. Or maybe he just got bored. There are a thousand reasons not to be with him, and few, if any, reasons to stay. Thinking about it, questioning it, is pointless.]
no subject
He doesn't get to do that. This is his fault.
So he leaves. He goes out, he shuts the door behind him, he stares at the handle for a good thirty seconds and thinks about going back in.
Then he walks away. ]