riverviewlogs | i'm bigger than my body [open & closed]

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i'm bigger than my body [open & closed]

who: John Proudtar + Shigeru Miyata, Minsu Oh, Cisco Ramon, and anyone
what: Catch-all
when: throughout march
where: various places, mainly the perimeter guard training grounds
warnings: none that I can think of! Will update if necessary

i. meditate (open to all)

[ Since putting his training offers out on the Quarantine network, John has been putting up dates and times and locations for 'classes' - he hates calling them as such, but if the shoe fits.

There's nothing special about the spot he's chosen - it's by the river, shadowed by some trees, pleasant and quiet. John's sitting straight on the ground, cross-legged, as he waits for any 'student' who might be interested in learning about meditation. He's prepared to fight stereotypes, remembering Lorna's reaction the first time she saw him practicing, how surprised she'd been, how long she'd teased him for it after.

John waits, until a few people are seated in front of him, before he says anything. ]

Before we start, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. The goal here is to get some tools for you to center yourself if you ever feel like control, or your sense of self is slipping. Meditation is what we make it out to be - contrary to popular belief, it isn't about sitting on a rock for days at a time, humming to yourself, although you're welcome to do that, if it works for you.

[ John smiles. This should be fun. ]

We're going to start much smaller, here.

ii. combat (open to all)

[ Come one, come all, whoever is interested in trying to test themselves against that mutant who can't get hurt. He'll take your punches and will try to give pointers wherever he can - he is, after all, an ex-Marine himself, and has seen combat situation more than once.

Depending on who's here to train and who's interested in helping, there are several stations set up in the Perimeter Guards training grounds - one, large and further away than the rest, for those who want to try out their powers but might struggle with control, or simply have a huge range. One for hand-to-hand combat, with dummies and training equipment strewn around. One for swordfighting - the weapons are blunt. John's walking around between the different stations, helping out wherever he can, and learning, himself - he's never held a sword before, after all.

Come and train, fight, help out, or whatever else you want to do! ]

iii. wildcard

[ Closed starters in comments! Find me at ellievolia if you want a specific starter, or just hmu with anything, I'm happy with basically anything. ]

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[ John shrugs, taking a bite of the cheese danish, crumbs sticking to his lips. It's delicious, and he's going to have to package some of all of these for Clarice to try out. ]

Yeah, it was. I had to stop when my powers started showing up. Can't really play a contact sport when you can break people with a handshake.

[ John laughs, nodding. ]

It was, for sure. But we ran through them super fast, with training and work outs. Technically, I burn through calories even faster than I used to now, so I could eat a lot more, I just... forget.

[ He gives Minsu a look, amused. ]

You might be a bit small for football. Although you could be an excellent kicker.

I'll remind you.

[his words have the weight of someone who's accepting a very important job and taking it very seriously. daily 'have u eaten do u need a rainbow danish' texts, go.

minsu smiles when john tells him that he's small for the sport. it's true, he's not that much sturdier than any guy his size. but he's quick, and he has energy to spare, and he thinks he might like to give football a try someday.

but there's something else that he said, before that. minsu has a question about it, and sometimes people answer his questions easily, and sometimes they look appalled and tell him that it's none of his business. minsu hasn't yet learned the difference between the two kinds. he doesn't know which one this falls under, but...]

Since you're so strong, what about when you like someone? Do you worry about hurting them?

[ John might have to make this a daily routine, making sure he can reassure Minsu that he's not wasting away. He should probably introduce Clarice to him, they'd get along mightily.

John gives Minsu a serious look at his question, considering it for a long while before answering. It's something that he's struggled with, for a long time. It's something he thinks about all the time, especially these days.

After a moment, he nods. ]

Yeah, I do. Because I could, easily, if I lose control. Which is part of why I train so hard, and work so hard not to lose control. I know myself, and my limits, very well, so that everyone is safe from me.

[ Sometimes, he slips, but destroying a table, or marking up a steel door, well. It's better than actually hurting someone he loves. ]

If you were worried, you don't have to be.

[he waits, and minsu wonders if the time that it takes john to answer the question is really the answer right there. so he's not surprised. he's not surprised for a couple of reasons.]

I did it.

[minsu looks down the counter before reaching for a cleaning cloth to rub at some nonexistent spot.]

I hurt someone special to me, and he forgave me. But I can't ever let that happen again. I lose everything if I do.

[not just the people that he cares about, but himself. minsu is still very much trying to pull free of what he is. if he slips, he's just a monster again.]

I've made it through a few bad days since then, but I wanna do everything that I can to make sure that I'm always in control too. I don't care how hard it is.

[nothing can be harder than what he had to deal with after.]

[ John swallows, putting the danish down at Minsu's admission. This is something he knows intimately, this fear. It's part of his very fabric, at this point, something that locks up his muscles if he lingers on it too long. He's learned how to live with it every day, but it takes him a lot of work on himself to keep his confidence and his control. The two go hand in hand. ]

I'm sorry. I know how bad it feels.

[ He pauses for a moment, his dark eyes gentle. ]

I can help you. I've offered before and I mean it. I do a lot of meditation, which helps me a lot to maintain control. It becomes second nature, if you allow it.

[he thought that if anyone could, it might be john, especially after the things that he's said. when he puts the danish down, minsu's first reaction is to ask him if something's wrong with it, or if maybe he'd like something else instead. but then he sees his eyes, and not many people have looked at him with eyes that gentle before. it's enough to make minsu squirm.]

I thought maybe you could too. [minsu grins sheepishly, one corner of his mouth pulling up higher than the other.] Sitting still and be quiet might be hard for me. but I guess that's kinda the whole point. Controlling myself, right? Fighting what my nature tells me to do.

[he lifts a hand into his hair, thoughtful.]

What do you think about when you meditate?

[ THe danish is actually delicious, and John picks it up again after a moment. They've talked about this before, how Minsu isn't really used to sitting still, but John smiles, a little crooked. ]

You can do it for like, three minutes at a time. It's a process, until you manage longer. Step by step, you know? [ And then, he shakes his head. ] It's not so much fighting against it, rather than. Hold hands with it. Accept that it's part of who you are, and work alongside.

[ He sips at his coffee, thinking through the question for a moment. ]

Anything. The whole point is to learn how to focus on yourself, and not grind to a halt due to paralyzing thoughts. So what I always advise to do is to let thoughts come and go, like clouds being pushed by a strong breeze.

[three minutes. that's not unbearable, he could make it three minutes, at least to start out with. but then john reminds him of what will truly be the difficult part.

accepting.]

Ahh...that's it. [he says it softly, almost to himself, leaning on his folded arms again.] I've always broken myself into two. There's "it" and there's "me". But I can't do that, can I.

[he'll always be at war with himself that way, and he can't win that kind of battle. clouds and breezes instead...minsu smiles at the thought of that.]

You should write poetry. I bet your girlfriend or boyfriend would like it.

[ John gives Minsu a sympathetic look. He's far from being the only one to try and deal with abilities in that way. ]

Personally, I don't think it works like that, no. But it's a personal thing, your relationship with your own powers. Maybe, if that's what works best for you, that's it. But I always advocate acceptance.

[ John chuckles, looking down at his plate. ]

Believe me, whenever I start with this stuff in her general direction, all she thinks is that I'm a new age hippie bullshitter.

[ Did he not even attempt to pretend Clarice isn't his girlfriend? He sure didn't.

So, there's that. ]

I bet she secretly likes hearing about it though.

[she might actually think that his words are new age hippie bullshit, but she must like the sound of his voice. minsu, he likes to believe in romantic little things like that. he props his chin up on his fist, smiling a little as he gazes at nothing in particular.]

I could listen to Sage talk about potions and herbs and magic for hours. I don't know anything about magic, just that my body resists most of it.

[sage always had to keep one eye on minsu anyway, just to make sure that he didn't drink any potion that looked a little bit too much like gatorade. but it still feels like a special time now.]

What's her name? [a little softer:] How long has it been since you last saw her?

You think?

[ It makes John smile, to think that inwardly, Clarice enjoys it when he goes full hippie on her. That she likes the sound of his voice. He loves the sound of hers, after all. ]

Does your body resist more than just magic? Or is it a special thing?

[ He bites into another danish, wanting to try them all, wiping crumbls off his lips before he talks again, voice soft. ]

Her name's Clarice. I saw her yesterday. I'm very used to seeing her every day, and it feels strange when I don't.

[ Squatting with someone even before you start dating will do that. ]

Just magic. My sisters used to say that it had something to do with the magic that created us being better, so our bodies rejected all inferior magic. I think they were just stuck-up bitches.

[minsu says it flatly. a lot of kid brothers don't understand or even get along with older sisters. but he means that from the bottom of his heart.]

It's good that she's here with you. [it makes minsu smile again.] You could bring her here on a date if you wanted! I'll swipe some candles for you and everything. Oh! And I bet Rose could help with some romantic music!

Ouch. [ John smiles. He’s sure James would have plenty to say about his big brother too, if he could. He probably does, really, but John would rather not know. Or, actually, he’d rather John was just with him all the time, but that’s a different story. ]

So your shapeshifting is magic, then? It’s not like, werewolves, where it’s passed down in genes and all?

[ Not That werewolves can’t be magic too, probably. That’s out of John’s knowledge.

He tries not to wince at the idea of romantic music picked out by Rosie. Not that he dislikes her, but they haven’t really got off on the right foot, especially when it comes to music. ]

Oh, I definitely will take her here, I’m sure. She loves food, like you do. But don’t worry about the music, though.

It's something we gain, if we live long enough.

[magic. illusion.]

I don't really look like this. [there's regret in his voice, but minsu's quick to follow up.] But it's how I'm going to look for the rest of my life. I'm choosing this form as my own, as Minsu. It's nice, right?

[he lifts his eyes to john like he's looking for approval.]

You bring her, I promise I won't let either of you leave hungry!

Yeah, it's nice.

[ It's unerringly sincere, John smiling through his words. He would ask what Minsu actually looks like, but it's obvious that he wants to keep this form, this face, as the one everyone knows him as, and John is not going to disrespect that.

He can't help but wonder - if Clarice, if Shatter, if any of the Mutants he knows that can't hide - if they could change their appearance, would they? ]

I can't imagine you would, [ John replies with a laugh. Then, with a lift of his chin. ] What about you? You got someone special to feed, here?

[minsu looks relieved. it's not like he's had complaints or stares. his face looks like the kind that most people are used to seeing. it's just...nice.]

Not here, but at home. [which is why he was surprised but happy to hear that john's someone is here. minsu keeps smiling, because sage is his hope and strength to do so until he can get back to him, but it's obvious that he misses him.] He would be here. Coffee is his favorite thing. It's why I like this job.

[ John's smile is soft. ]

Can I ask - why are you here, if he's not?

Ah.

[it's a fair question. minsu tries to keep his smile, but there's something guilty in the downcast of his eyes.]

Some of my family didn't want me to change, they said I'd never make it. They definitely wouldn't want me to be with him, not when he helped keep me strong. I started worrying that they might try to hurt him if they found out, so I decided to go to them first.

[to talk, to do more than talk if he had to. minsu didn't want them starting their life together with that hanging over his head.]

I was so worried, and miserable without him. [he shrugs.] Then I was here. I guess I needed to go someplace to think about how stupid I was.

[ John frowns. He isn't sure he understands, exactly, what happened. There are gaps in the story, of course, but John doesn't know Minsu well enough to fill them out. ]

Did you... hurt your family? To protect him?

I didn't.

[he didn't make it back to korea. and maybe he would've tried talking to them first - two hundred years is a lot time and things could've changed between them.

but there's still one thing that he does know.]

I would have. For him, I would have. [minsu drops his head again.] Sorry.

[he's not completely sure why he's apologizing. probably because he thinks it might disappoint john to hear that, and he's already someone that minsu doesn't want to disappoint.]

[ John shakes his head, standing up to get closer. ]

Hey, you don't have to apologize.

[ His voice is soft, but sincere, the inflections rich and his eyes unwavering. ]

Love is powerful, and if he makes you a better person, if you feel better around him than anywhere else... I can't say I'd blame anyone for wanting to protect that.

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