riverviewlogs | i'm bigger than my body [open & closed]

Entry tags:

i'm bigger than my body [open & closed]

who: John Proudtar + Shigeru Miyata, Minsu Oh, Cisco Ramon, and anyone
what: Catch-all
when: throughout march
where: various places, mainly the perimeter guard training grounds
warnings: none that I can think of! Will update if necessary

i. meditate (open to all)

[ Since putting his training offers out on the Quarantine network, John has been putting up dates and times and locations for 'classes' - he hates calling them as such, but if the shoe fits.

There's nothing special about the spot he's chosen - it's by the river, shadowed by some trees, pleasant and quiet. John's sitting straight on the ground, cross-legged, as he waits for any 'student' who might be interested in learning about meditation. He's prepared to fight stereotypes, remembering Lorna's reaction the first time she saw him practicing, how surprised she'd been, how long she'd teased him for it after.

John waits, until a few people are seated in front of him, before he says anything. ]

Before we start, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. The goal here is to get some tools for you to center yourself if you ever feel like control, or your sense of self is slipping. Meditation is what we make it out to be - contrary to popular belief, it isn't about sitting on a rock for days at a time, humming to yourself, although you're welcome to do that, if it works for you.

[ John smiles. This should be fun. ]

We're going to start much smaller, here.

ii. combat (open to all)

[ Come one, come all, whoever is interested in trying to test themselves against that mutant who can't get hurt. He'll take your punches and will try to give pointers wherever he can - he is, after all, an ex-Marine himself, and has seen combat situation more than once.

Depending on who's here to train and who's interested in helping, there are several stations set up in the Perimeter Guards training grounds - one, large and further away than the rest, for those who want to try out their powers but might struggle with control, or simply have a huge range. One for hand-to-hand combat, with dummies and training equipment strewn around. One for swordfighting - the weapons are blunt. John's walking around between the different stations, helping out wherever he can, and learning, himself - he's never held a sword before, after all.

Come and train, fight, help out, or whatever else you want to do! ]

iii. wildcard

[ Closed starters in comments! Find me at ellievolia if you want a specific starter, or just hmu with anything, I'm happy with basically anything. ]

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[ Shigeru will be there a few minutes later than planned. A rather bad broken arm of some local keeping him for a few hours after his shift had ended. But he'll show up with a happy and content sort of expression when he finds John at the training grounds like they had discussed. ]

I'm sorry I'm a little! I-I got caught up in the hospital. John, right? It's nice to finally meet you in person!

[ He smiles a bit nervously. Not sure how this is going to go at all. When it came to his powers right now Shigeru was terrified of them, mostly due to the fact that he was slowly turning into something horrible and he had no way to prevent it. ]

[ John dismisses the apology, smiling bright as he motions for Shigeru to sit by him, offering him one of the coffees. ]

Don't worry about it. Nice to meet you, too, Shigeru.

[ It's obvious Shigeru's nervous, but John's stays relaxed, open as he can be. ]

So, how are you feeling today? That is, with your powers?

[ He'll smile back taking the offered cup but he doesn't exactly drink it just yet. He'll just sort of...let out a sigh. ]

It hasn't been too bad today. I did just come from work though and that always puts a strain on me.

[ With his phobia and his gate as well. ] Whenever I use my powers it...eats away at my gate and the worse my gate becomes the less control I have. But I use my powers to-t help people so it's a bit hard to really not use them.

[ John nods. ]

Okay. You're going to have to walk me through it. What's your gate? You talked about possession, right? Can you give me a step-by-step of how your powers manifest?

[ Shigeru nods mutely as he looks away briefly. His free hand might flex and clench a little as he closes his eyes. ]

It's probably easier to really show you then to explain it. [ And so he'll activate his gate there and then. Shigeru's eyes will change with black sclera and purple irises. There's also strange symbols poking etched into his skin along his neck. ]

When I activate my powers something called a gate appears behind us. [ He points to the giant floating sigil looming up behind him with its now tainted look. The purple iridescent sigil is cut through with rivers of pitch black miasma. ] Our gate is...a physical manifestation of our mental state. The more it degrades the easier it becomes for us to get possessed by a-a dark god called Malneminous. Or-or we turn into monsters or it collapses and destroys everything around it.

[ He'll look away again, not exactly sure how much John is going to take all of that, but Shigeru's expression is really indicative of how real it is. He shuts off his powers before he continues. ]

Malneminous is the one that gave us these powers, his curse is the reason why my kind even exist in the first place.

So this gate is like... an aura, of sorts.

[ All through Shigeru's explanation and demonstration, John stayed silent, just looking, taking it all in. This kind of physical manifestation is rare with Mutants, and possession isn't really a thing he's witnessed, either - telepathy can go very, very far, but still isn't quite the same.

He waits for Shigeru to come back to himself before he speaks. ]

Is there a way to prevent your gate's degradation? Or to... fix it?

S-Something like that, yes. It varies from person to person and it's basically a physical manifestation of our-our mental state.

[ He'll rub at his hands a little before he stops the gesture entirely upon realizing what he's doing. ]

There were therapies back home...but they only helped so much when a gate was too far gone. Suppressing our powers with a drug was another way, the drug is like a sedative that calms us down. But I don't think there's any real way of-of fixing it.

[ John nods, leaning forward, elbows on his knees as he thinks about it. There's only so much one can do, sometimes, but he'll be damned if he's not going to try and give Shigeru all the tools he's been using himself for years. ]

Well, something I've been using to keep control of myself, and keep my mental state stable is meditation. I know it doesn't sound like much, hippie mumbo jumbo type thing, but it can really, really help to gain more control over yourself. And it might help with the decay of your gate.

[ John turns back to look at Shigeru. ]

It can't hurt, anyway, right?

I-I do meditate my...boyfriend helped teach me how to. But sometimes it doesn't help and the last time I lost control I didn't have time to-to really think about it. It's like a switch gets flipped on me and I just...fall into a fog. Like I can see what I'm doing but I can't control myself.

[ And here he's just rubbing his hands rather incessantly as he says all that. ]

I-I don't know if there's any way to really stop it when I get like that. Besides suppressing my powers maybe.

Well, there is someone that might be able to help with suppressing powers. If you truly think there is nothing else to be done. I'd like to think there is, but you must know better than me. How long have you had them?

[ There's a part of John that wants to believe there is always a way to control one's own abilities, but Shigeru isn't a Mutant. It's probably extremely different, and he can't judge, or make the wrong assumption. ]

I'd like to...try all other possibilities before that. I-I've had a few bad occurrences thus far with power suppressing collars. So I-I don't want to immediately jump to that if I can help it.

[ There has to be something else he can use. ]

[ John suppresses a shiver. ]

Yeah, no, no collars. You're not an animal.

[ John himself has experience with such collars, and he'll be damned before he lets anyone put one on anyone else. ]

So, okay. You said it's like a switch is flipped and you lose control. What tends to trigger it?

[ Shigeru doesn't even know who would make such things. They were horrible devices that shouldn't be used on other human beings, only if the situation was dire enough for it. ]

Stress, or being scared makes it happen. Or-or when I get really mad. Those things in general are what usually cause it the most.

Right. It's not dissimilar to how Mutant powers often first coming out. It's due to triggering events, stressful situations, heightened feelings. What I try to work on with the people I train is to tap into positive feelings to trigger their powers instead of negative ones.

[ It's not like it's easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is. ]

Negative emotions are harder to control than positive ones. And you should definitely keep going with the meditation, as it gives you a much better handle on yourself, and makes it easier to get over negative emotions.

[ Positive emotions instead of negative ones? He's so stupid. Of course that could work, it won't be easy, but that could definitely work. Just because not a lot of people used that back home didn't mean it was impossible. ]

I-I never thought about using positive things to-to help me. I guess because my powers are...wrapped up in my phobia as well and nothing good really comes with that. But I'd like to try and see if it works.

Edited 2018-03-17 02:34 (UTC)

See, maybe - getting help with this phobia, getting to understand your feelings on it could help, too. The better you know yourself, your limitations, and your strengths, the more you can make your own decisions about what happens to you.

[ Ah. That earns John a sidelong, slightly uncertain, glance. He's fine with touching Genji and Dodger, he's gotten very used to touching them but when it came to other people...he wasn't exactly ready for that.

Not to mention he still hasn't managed to take his gloves off, even with Genji. That is his biggest hurdle but it seems like an impossible dream to ever really cure himself of his phobia. ]

I-I don't really...know if anyone here can help me with it. It's not as bad as it used to be. But I...I still relapse with it and I still can't do a lot of things normal people can. [ His voice is somber as he looks down at his gloved hands. ]

Nothing I try ever really seems to stick.

[ John would reach out, under different circumstances, but he’s not blind. He can see that Shigeru has some issue with that, the way he holds himself away, the way he keeps glancing at his gloves hands. It’s something here, and John will respect it.

Instead, he looks ahead, contemplating his own issues. ]

For a long time, after I left the Marines, I thought I’d never live without nightmares anymore. It became such a habit to wake up in the middle of the night because I thought I heard gunfire, or because of flashbacks. I stopped sleeping entirely, for a while. For as long as I could. And I need less sleep than the the normal human, so I’d exhaust myself, pass out after a week. And then I met some people who wanted to help me, and they did. I traduced me to deeper, more meaningful meditation than I did while in the Matines. Showed me there are ways to cope.

It’s pretty much on always ongoing process. There isn’t one solution that will cure you instantly. It’s a work you need to be willing to do continuously, with multiple people - your friends and loved ones, and a therapist, at least - and it’ll require you to believe it can happen. But it can.

Oh I-I see. I'm sorry to hear about...your own troubles. It's strange to think someone like myself can get better when my entire life I've been trying to cope and get over my phobia enough that I could actually...function a bit better in society.

[ He'll cup his hands together around the cup of coffee that he still hasn't drank from. ]

Back home it's a given that phrobiests...people like me I mean, succumb to their phobias. So people make attempts to help us but it never lasts. But it's different here and I-I do believe that I can get better but it's just...hard.

[ He looks a bit worried now, scared even, as he looks down at his hands. ] I don't want to turn into a monster and hurt people. I...I want to stop it or at least try to cure it.

[ John can sympathize with that. ]

Being able to function is already a huge thing, something that a lot of people struggle with every day.

[ Celebrate the small wins. John will never stop believing that it is a very important part of any kind of recovery, but also - any life. ]

It's definitely hard, and it's hard to fight against everything you've been led to believe. It's adding another barrier to break through. But, for what it's worth, I don't think you're a monster.

[ Which might mean very little from an almost stranger. ]

Tell you what, what about - one of the things I can do, is track people. Sense danger, too. What if I tried to keep tuned to you, in case something happens? I can't promise it's failproof, but. There's very little chance you could hurt me, and I could help you.

[ That's because John has never seen his other form. He's never seen him...lose control or get possessed. He was terrifying and even he knew it. But he doesn't say or comment on the other man's words. ]

I-I guess that would be okay. But my powers...disintegrate things. It gets worse when I lose control too, I think. I can't remember sometimes when it happens. I'd feel terrible if you got hurt because of-of me.

[ He'd never want a total stranger who's trying to help him to get hurt. ]

But I would appreciate it if you did that. At least to notify people so that they can try to stop me if I-I can't come back from it.

Well, as I said, it's pretty hard to get me hurt.

[ He doesn't really have a way to show Shigeru, not like he could show Laura, but it doesn't make it any less true. He feels the pain, sure, but he has yet to bleed without some power-dampening action going on. ]

You need to believe that you can come back from any of it. At any time. That's... so important, you know? You've got to believe in yourself.

Yes, you're right. [ Believe in himself, huh? It's so hard to do when he's failed multiple times at trying to regain control. Sure he manages to do it, but it always happens after he's caused harm to someone. ]

Um, well, thank you for all of this. I-I really want to work hard and get better. So I'm grateful to have you help me. It's probably a big imposition on you though. I'm just glad that this place has...people like yourself here.

[ He's not sure how he'd get by without people like Genji, John, Aoba or Cisco around. ]

It's really not.

[ John smiles, shrugs a shoulder. ]

Back home, I was leading a bunch of people. I had to look after everyone, and I wanted to. Couldn't imagine living my life any other way. Helping out...

[ He looks out ahead, eyes unfocused on the buildings in front of them. ]

It's the very least I can do.

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i'm bigger than my body [open & closed]

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wow i only now caught the autocorrect typos, apologies

autocorrect betrays once again

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