[ open ] well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart

[volitaunt]

who: Poe Dameron AND YOOOOU
what: catchall log
when: mid-to-end-of December
where: here, there, every--that's a lie, it's mostly in the hospital and a bar
warnings: References to spinal injuries, general fight-accrued damage. Some drinking. Will add as necessary. This post is SPOILER FREE unless the comments themselves are labeled otherwise. Any character details not previously known from TFA are sourced from the TLJ visual dictionary and are not mentioned in the film.



i. general hospital - closed to existing CR/hospital staff

[ He was wrong about his back not being hurt. It's fractured, to be precise, three vertebrae cracked from where he hit that tree. The ribs, as suspected, are just out-and-out broken. He has internal bleeding, though nothing too terribly severe. Enough to explain the blood in his mouth.

"Blunt force trauma," he says to one of the nurses before he's put under for treatment. "Not the most fun way to go."

The first night in the hospital he refuses visitors.

He needs space. Time to think. The only one he lets in is BB-8, and then only because he couldn't stand the thought of the droid rolling around the communal housing building alone, fussing to himself in a language only Rey can understand.

Human company is too much. He almost says no to visitors in the morning, too, but by then he doesn't have the excuse of exhaustion from treatment to hide behind. It's the fact that he's hiding, more than anything else, that gets him to open the figurative door.

He's too tired to pretend to be all right. Instead, he's just laying in his bed in a hospital gown, rolling his mother's ring between his fingers on the end of the chain around his neck. ]


ii. barrrr idk titles man - open

[ Poe is at what can only be called His Usual Place at this point. He is not, however, at his Usual Stool.

Instead he's at a table near the back, having a stare down with a glass of whiskey.

Anyone who knows Poe well enough to have gone out for a drink with him knows that he adheres pretty strictly to tonic and lime. Anyone who's asked knows it's not because he's a teetotaler. It's habit, plain and simple, the determination to be sober should the need for emergency action arise.

It's finally hitting him after almost a month that there's no emergency action to deal with here, not that the Perimeter Guard can't handle without him.

And after what he's learned about Kylo Ren, about his relationship with Leia--nope bye not thinking about it, it's all he's done the past few days.

Poe knocks back the drink in one go and gags. ] Oh, kriffing--

[ A tiny, watery-eyed wheeze. ] Holy Savior Unborn.


iii. it's oscar isaac this was going to happen eventually - open

[ Up on the communal housing rooftop, Poe is giving BB-8 an oil bath the old-fashioned way. Meaning he has a big plastic tub. That is full of oil. And BB-8 is in it. Also, there is a sponge, that a gloved Poe keeps dipping in the oil to scrub over the surface of his droid.

BB-8 has several maintenance arms deployed, and yeah, sorta seems to be splashing around in the oil like a two year old in a bubble bath.

Poe is singing to him. The song of choice is All My Loving by the Beatles. ENJOY. ]


iv. why this - open

[ There are seven of them. Seven holocubes of the most embarrassing image ever to bear Poe Dameron's face, and before the Hosnian Cataclysm there were a lot of pictures of Poe Dameron doing stupid shit in his Academy days.

But no, this is worse, and they dumped seven of these things on him. They didn't even give him something to carry them in. He just has to walk back to the communal building juggling seven goddamn holocubes programmed with Yolo Ziff's gag poster, the thing that finally benched him from running any more "undercover" missions for Leia. At least until Jakku.

He keeps dropping them, all the way back to the communal building, and every time he does, the damn things turn on. ]


v. wildcarddddd

[ HMU aw yeah. ]

Comments

i.

[dancingmd]

[Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Beverly is not a visitor. She's his doctor and she will hardly let herself be turned away completely. But she is respectful of his need for silence, only speaking when necessary and only regarding his medical needs. Overall, the surgery went well - she is one of the best surgeons in Starfleet after all - but it looks like he's going to be in here for a while.

The morning after, she's there again. What she doesn't tell Poe is that she switched shifts with someone else, to make sure she was there when he woke up.]

How are you feeling this morning?

[volitaunt]

[ Poe orients on Beverly with a small smile, the kind of comfortable public expression that a person can wear without committing to in any emotional sense. ]

Like I got only a little bit thrown into a tree.

[dancingmd]

[Poe. Though she sighs inwardly, she keeps her outward demeanor professional.]

I'm afraid we have to get a little more specific than that. [She looks at her chart, pen in hand ready to write.] On a scale of one to ten, with one being no pain and ten being the worst pain imaginable, where does your pain rate right now?

i. look.... i have to live up to being 25% of your inbox

[bythehand]

[ It's not to say Finn's been tooling around in a waiting room and intermittently hassling medical personnel all night, but wait, okay, that is exactly what's being said here. That's kind of been what he's been doing. What was he gonna do, leave? Somehow manage to actually sleep? Not possible.

He gets word to Rey and he parks himself in a mildly uncomfortable chair and he waits.

They say Poe Dameron isn't taking visitors.

He says I'll be here when he is, then, perhaps in a sharper, less calm tone than anyone would like.

It was objectively way less stressful to be the one who got almost murdered than it is to be the person who isn't. He's stuck between feeling sorry he did it to Rey on Starkiller and feeling like he'd much rather just be the one who almost gets murdered from now on to save the trouble. It's terrifying.

It was way too close.

When he hears Poe is accepting visitors, Finn double-times it to the room in less than a minute, if at all physically possible to get there in less than a minute. He positively guns it. He probably almost knocks over a lot of unsuspecting people.

Knocking on the door? What's that? Never heard of it. Finn's just walking in and immediately sitting by the bed like it's his job to be here. ]

Finally.

[ Poe is alive and the hospital tech is admittedly very good, and Finn can just about breathe again, metaphorically speaking.

He could hug him for not being dead right now, which is probably written all over his face. This is an impulse he mostly combats, recent injuries considered (he doesn't need someone trying-- and trying is the key word, because he would raise at least four levels of hell if they did-- to kick him out for potentially reopening something). Not strongly enough to keep from reaching for Poe's non-occupied arm, though. It's all about accepting your feasible limitations. ]

I don't know how you can make yourself hard to find when you're stuck in one room, Poe, but you did a hell of a job of it.

[ He doesn't sound mad. He's just relieved he finally got in here without having to resort to criminal means. ]

[volitaunt]

[ The minute he sees Finn, Poe feels a wash of guilt. He was so busy inside his own head that he forgot there was a reason people might want to see him. That Finn, specifically, might want to see him.

BB-8 rolls over from the other side of the room, whistling a greeting in tones that are, admittedly, not as enthusiastic as the droid usually manages to be. Who knew that medical emergencies could take a toll on AI.

Poe's fingers still on the ring, but he doesn't let it go. ]

Hey. [ There's no fire in him. He can't be cavalier and reassuring. He's just... tired. ] Sorry, I just--I needed... to think.

[ It's more than that. It's so much vastly more. Kylo Ren cracked him open again, and this time there's no great escape to make it better, no survival on Jakku, no dogfight over Takodana or military strike on Starkiller to give him time and distance. Ren made him suffer, and took something precious from him in the process.

What's worse, somehow, is what Ren gave back.

He couldn't face anyone with those parallel wounds still so raw. He still doesn't want to face anyone. But Finn is a reminder that what he wants doesn't always matter as much as what he needs to do. ]

[bythehand]

[ Okay, maybe he stops to give BB-8 a little pat on the dome first. Good looking out, little buddy. ]

It's fine. [ His answer is immediate, with enough sureness to show that he's not just saying it to put up a front. It's fine now.

Finn doesn't know exactly what happened before he showed up yesterday. But it involved Kylo Ren, and that's enough to know it wasn't good. (The look on Poe's face, the way he's holding onto that ring, that's enough to know it wasn't good.) ]

I can give you more time if you need it. I'd rather stick around for a minute first if you do, but.

[ A shrug. It's Poe's call. And only Poe's call, there's basically nobody else in this building that matters opinion-wise. He can always try again later. ]

iii

[bastardofipswich]

[ Sometimes, Chase likes to go up to the roof. He figures it's because he's a natural loner, and when you've got like thirty roommates or whatever (no, it's not nearly that many. settle down, drama queen), sometimes you've just got to get the hell away from them.

Also, he wants to practice some magic he's read about in this ~ancient tome~ he's liberated from work.

Of course, he knows with as many people as there are in the communal housing building, there's always a chance that the roof's already occupied. Sure. He expects that.

What he doesn't expect is to see Poe lovingly bathe his basketball robot while singing the Beatles. ]

You, uh. You've got a really special relationship with that robot, huh.

[ HI, BB-8!! DO YOU STILL HATE HIM? ]

[volitaunt]

Droid. [ Poe says, chuckling, as BB-8 beeps the same correction a little more defiantly. ] This little guy has saved my life more times than I can count.

[ Cue giving BB-8's dome a lil noogie. ] We've been together a long time.

[bastardofipswich]

Huh. [ Chase moves in closer to get a better look at the droid's bath, this being unlike anything he's ever seen before. ] What's the difference between a droid and a robot? [ An honest question! Chase's world is closer to urban fantasy than sci-fi, after all. ]

And I didn't know they had the Beatles in space, by the way. I thought if anyone would've made the cut, it would've been David Bowie.

i. ...I also contribute a lot to your inbox.

[talentedscavenger]

[It's hard not to simply rush to the Hospital and demand to be let into the room. Finn's message caught Rey off guard and all she could think of was hoping Poe would be okay. That nothing happened to the point where he needed to be operated on, or that he was losing blood.

Then her mind races to what caused Poe to be in the hospital. If it was the worked of magic--something they've sorted out, but it still feels raw to her--or if it was the work of someone else. If Poe got into a fight, and if so, with who? There was only one person whose name came to her mind. She wanted to yell at Kylo Ren and instantly place blame on him, but she didn't know all the facts...

So she's stuck waiting in the hospital, in a waiting room, and waiting for any news. He is well...he is fine, as one could be, but he didn't want to see anyone. For a moment Rey wanted to ignore his wishes and simply go in to check on her friend--

But he was a grown man. He didn't need her to be his keeper, or want her to be. This was what he wanted...and she would have to live by that. The brunette finds herself sitting in the waiting room, counting hours, and minutes..and seconds. Once she learns Poe is taking visitors...she doesn't go in right away. No, she needs more time to think, because she hasn't done enough of that already.

Finn goes in first..and she waits for him to leave before going in next. Going into Poe's room, seeing him laying there...It would be stupid to ask if he was okay. He probably doesn't want to tell what happened.. so all she can do is simply go to his bed and simply stay there. No sitting down, she's done enough of that--and pacing around.]

Hey...

[She murmurs softly, trying to be supportive and comforting at the same time. But she wants to know what happened. Wants to know who to hold responsible for injuring him..]

Have you eaten yet? [Food is a safer thing to talk about. He needs to eat if he's going to have the strength to get better.]

ilit

[volitaunt]

[ He feels more steady, having talked to Finn. Not better, not by any means, but more present. Not drifting through the landscape of memory that Ren ripped open around him.

He's not surprised to see that Rey is next in the visiting line. He's almost absurdly grateful that she doesn't come in scolding or demanding to know what happened.

But he kept her and Finn at arm's length when he should have let them in, both literally and figuratively. He owes them both better than that. ]

Would you believe it started with a ceasefire?

iii

[spellslots]

[Taako, who is a very good boyfriend (according to some sources), has walked Rin back to the dumb communal housing at an hour in the morning that feels ungodly to him but is probably normal for most people.

He'd planned to make his exit via the balcony, because stairs are for losers who don't have magic umbrellas that automatically cast feather fall, when he hears someone singing. The voice almost sounds familiar, enough that his curiosity gets the better of him and instead of going down, he casts levitate and goes up.

The sight that greets him.... sure is something, enough that he forgets to step onto the rooftop and just kind of floats there.]

Hey, uh, what the fuck?

[volitaunt]

[ Poe stops mid-scrub. BB-8 stops mid-splash. For a long couple of seconds, they are all just looking at each other.

Then, in bemusement: ] Same to you.

ii.

[realists]

[ jyn sits down at his table without so much as a by your leave, like it is her table. she snags the glass out of his hand like the thief that she is and sets it upside down on the table, passing him the light beer in her hand. it's almost like she knew he was here... but how?

her boyfriend is a spy, deal with it. ]

You're meant to hold it in your mouth, 'til it burns away the taste buds. If you're going to drink battery acid, don't waste your credits on the good stuff.

[volitaunt]

[ The narration would like to point out that the other narration just called Cassian her boyfriend. IT'S THERE, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.

He takes the beer. ] I know how to drink.

[ DEFENSIVE? ...Not really at all, no. He takes a pull from the beer. ] I just haven't done it in a while.

closed to matt the radar technician WHEN WILL WE GET TIRED OF THROWING THEM AT EACH OTHER (never)

[volitaunt]

[ Poe goes up on the roof a lot. It's no surprise--it's high, which is the best he can get without climbing into the Intrepid. There's a good wind up here. It smells fresh. Clean. It's also usually unoccupied at this time of night. Poe can get a good view of the stars and the planet overhead, clear his mind on the nights when it's impossible to sleep.

He's had more of those in the past couple of weeks. A lot more.

Poe's been trying to throw himself into exploration since getting out of the hospital (a three day stretch that felt like a year). Patrols, protective details, mapping flights, maintenance, even cleaning the Perimeter Guard's facilities when it isn't his detail. The longest missions he's been out on have only taken about two days. He's slept better in the open, away from closed rooms and hallways that feel more airless the longer he's inside.

It's that airlessness that drives him outside tonight. BB-8 is in low power mode when he slips out of the room, or you can bet Poe would have small, round company. The droid hasn't let him go ten feet alone since he got out of the hospital. It's comforting, in its own way.

He's two steps past the door when he sees the shadowed outline of someone by the railing. He almost decides to just walk to the other side of the roof, let whoever it is be, but then the other person moves and Poe freezes. He knows that profile painfully well at this point.

He could leave. Just turn around and leave. But he knows there's no way Ren hasn't felt the cold wash of fear that rolled through Poe. It's bizarre and paralyzing, a sensation so unfamiliar that it's disorienting in and of itself. He's terrified.

He's terrified, but he's still Poe Dameron. Which means he isn't about to retreat. ]

NEVER EVER

[killthepast]

[ He wonders if he's unraveling.

Right now, he should be with the Supreme Leader. He should be completing his training. He should be receiving wisdom and guidance and learning how to take strength from cutting Han Solo down.

Instead, he's been diverted, temporarily, to another galaxy. And though it's only been weeks-- weeks that he has spent searching the Dark Side for answers, and coming away with nothing-- it's as if he's been lost for so much longer than that. Rather than close up and scab over, the conflict inside him has only festered and grown, and he's certain that, if he doesn't figure out what it is he has to do, it'll split him apart.

(Basically: what would Grandfather do?)

What's worse is lately, there are times when he's racked with a sorrow that strikes through to his core, overwhelming and sickening-- literally. It literally nauseates him.

So he heads for the roof, for the fresh air and the view of the stars, and he leans over the railing, head dipped low as he breathes deep and steady to try to overcome the nausea.

It's guilt and sorrow and grief, and as much as he tries to deny it, a little voice in his head that sounds too much like Ben Solo whispers the truth to him: he's mourning his father. (The father you killed.)

And leave it to Poe Dameron to interrupt.

At least the pilot's so consumed by his own fear that it's doubtful he sees anything beyond it. Good. ]

You're afraid. [ There's a short pause, as if he's listening to something Poe isn't privy to. ] No... Not just afraid... Terrified. So why aren't you taking the opportunity to run?

[ This is easy. This is comfortable. He'd rather play the monster than mourn a man who ceased to be his father years ago. ]

iv.

[evasives]

[what a nice normal day in the quarantine. but it's almost dinner time, and cassian doesn't feel like cooking, and jyn ate the rest of the leftovers, so take out it is! it's his turn to go pick it up, so he steps out of his apartment into the hallway.]

[where poe is coming down said hallway. he pauses for a moment, wondering if he should just duck back inside, then wonders how much of that instinct is jyn's influence. poe's got his hands full, and he should maybe offer to help, but that would mean acknowledging they're neighbors.]

[for over a month.]

[instead he just closes the door carefully behind him, like all of this is perfectly normal. howdy neighbor.]

[volitaunt]

[ Oh hey. It's Cassian. Great. Fantastic. Exactly the person Poe wants to see right now. Beautiful.

--wait a second.

It's Cassian coming out of a room on the eleventh floor. On his and Finn and Rey's floor.

Quoth the bard: what the fuck. ]

Wait, do you live here?

[ Count your lucky stars, Cassian, because not one, not two, but three of Poe's beloved holocubes have slipped through his fingers, bouncing across the floor between them and switching themselves on in the process. There are now three very serious-looking Poes, two projected on the walls and one projected across the floor.

And then the not-serious Poe very literally throws up his hands, because FUCK IT, WHAT'S THE POINT NOW. And now there are seven Poes. Everywhere. Surrounding them. ]

I hate.

[ What does he hate? It's a mystery. ]

i

[winscenario]

[ Jim isn't exactly a regular visitor popping by. There are a few perks to dating a doctor, and while perhaps the hospital shouldn't be so lax about letting him walk around so freely, he's certainly not going to waste the chance to sneak into the ward where Poe's room is.

Granted, he wouldn't even know that Poe was here if Bones hadn't told him, so. Technically it's as much the doctor's fault that Jim is creeping around the hospital, hoping that Poe won't just tell him to go away the moment he sees him.

It takes him a few doors before he finally finds Poe's room, and he stands on the threshold for a moment, watching the pilot play with the ring in his hand. Eventually, he speaks up. ]

I didn't manage to get you anything other than a lousy postcard. Bones forbade me from bringing you chocolates. [ He purses his lips apologetically, and shrugs. ] Can I come in?

[volitaunt]

[ Poe had been somewhere else. Somewhere else...es? He was drifting, in a an empty place full of echoes, half the memories that Ren dragged out of him and half the halls of the Finalizer. The hospital is clean, the walls scrubbed and tidy white, or he would probably be screaming to be let out of here by now. He's not strapped down, but he still can't move. Can't get up, can't walk around, can't reassure himself through physical motion that he's fine. This place is fine. He's safe.

(Since when has safety ever mattered? He hasn't been safe since he joined the Navy, and he's never cared before. It doesn't occur to him that he's thinking of a different kind of safety: the promised privacy of his own mind. It's gone, that illusion that no one can have the life he keeps there, that what he feels and remembers belongs to no one but him. Kylo Ren ripped him open twice and took that illusion away.)

For a few seconds he just stares at Jim like he hasn't quite registered that the other man is there. He missed the jokes, that's clear enough from the look on his face. ]

Yeah. Sure.

[ Because that's what you say when someone asks to come in. You go through the motions. You let them. ]

ii

[peacemongering]

[From way back when he was a much younger man, the best way to know what was what and who was who was to visit the local watering holes of any given town or city. With no contacts, he had decided to see if the old method held true in a place like this and if there were some interesting locals to have a sit down chat with and a drink over.

Alexander wasn't much of a drinker aside from the social kind; he didn't enjoy having his thoughts muddled or slow. He also was very careful with every action he took and the potential for disaster of being seen out of order had always been on his mind. However, that didn't mean he wasn't extremely adept of acting like he were loose of lips and could disseminate information that way if he chose to.

Stepping into the establishment, he moved to the bar in order to order himself something light, a tonic and lime to be precise. He turned to survey the room, categorizing people with a sweep of his gaze and finally settled on one young man in the corner wincing over what appeared to be whiskey. He picked up his glass, nodding to the barkeep and headed over to the back.

He stopped in front of the table, looking casually interested.]

From my experience, whiskey isn't something to endure alone. Would you mind if I sat?

[volitaunt]

[ Poe looks up in surprise. Somehow, he hadn't expected to draw anyone's attention, gagging or not. Still, he gestures to the chair opposite with only a moment of hesitation. Talking to someone--performing for someone, being all right for a stranger--it'll be good for him, probably. Good practice. Too many people saw him in the hospital as it is. (More people than saw his report on Jakku and the Finalizer, Poe thinks, but at least this--this wasn't so bad. Breaking his mind came before the rest of the pain, this time. And the rest of the pain was nothing.) ]

Sure. I kinda forgot whiskey is something to endure. It's been a while. [ Blowing his "totally fine" cover already LIKE A BOSS. ]

i /laughs 4ever

[potentialed]

[ Stephen shows up about two days in, having heard about the case from a few others at the nurse station and decided to take a look for himself. He squints at the man for a moment, feeling like he's seen him before but it wouldn't be the first time in a place like this. He walks over to the end of Poe's bed and takes up his chart to read.

Conversationally as he reads, ]

So, you're the guy who got thrown against a tree... Plan on pressing any criminal charges?

[volitaunt]

[ UH HI, STRANGER. Poe leans away from him, then winces at the ache that sends rippling through him. He sits up again. ] Hadn't thought about it.

[ That's a lie. He's been thinking about it off and on for the past two days, when he hasn't been having nightmares or verging on hallucinations. He needs to talk to the others. For some reason he gets the feeling Rey won't be too keen on the idea, which gives him goosebumps whenever he focuses too long on that thought. ] Mostly focused on getting out of here. No offense.