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[ seeing that he's startled ed, al withdraws his hand, albeit slowly. ever since he's been restored to his body, he's wanted to maintain physical contact, as if making up for the years during which he couldn't. as if he's afraid ed might disappear before his eyes and he'd have to go searching for him again. it had been a long three years without his brother and as distance seems to grow between them here in quarantine, al feels at a loss.

but he doesn't want his brother to flinch away from him, doesn't want to make ed uncomfortable, so he drops his hand, as well as his shoulders as he slumps a little. ]

We're both a little weird though, aren't we? I'm weird because- [ he doesn't say it, but it lingers in the air. because of how he feels about ed. ]

You didn't tell me you were someplace else before you came here. All this time I thought you were at that Purg place.

[ his voice is soft as if he's hurt that there's something ed didn't tell him. they've kept secrets from each other in the past, but it's always hurt them both. al doesn't want that again for him and his brother. ]

Edited (htmlllll) 2017-11-30 00:31 (UTC)

[He blinks when Al removes his hand, watching him questioningly, as if unaware he'd flinched at all - but he doesn't ask, simply takes in the posture as his brother shifts, shoulders slumping in quiet defeat at the thought of making Ed uncomfortable.]

You're not weird, Al.

[Even if he was going to finish, Edward snaps defensively before he could. Distracted gaze automatically lifting to focus completely on his brother instead. Just as soon glancing away again with a dismissive shrug when Al switches the topic to the fact that Ed had been keeping information from him.]

Like I said, it's a lot to go over. Besides, you didn't seem to think it was very important...

[That wasn't true, and Ed knew it. Alphonse had been dismissing the lost memories as unimportant because of what they were. There was an irony to the fact that it was an attempt to keep them from pushing the brothers apart that had wound up doing exactly that. It was hardly the first secret he'd kept from his brother, but Edward wasn't going to share the burdens that Al didn't need to carry and Attollo definitely counted as one of those in his mind. A lot of Purg did, too. He figured the truth would come out in time, and if he hadn't killed Al? That place would have been painted in a much different light until Val showed up.]

[ it had been more that al hadn't wanted to press his brother for information, having faith that ed would share when he was ready. but apparently his brother was never ready or was unwilling to share. whatever the case, al felt hurt that his brother wouldn't explain what is turning out to be a major part of his life. what ed wasn't telling him seemed like a lot and al felt distinctly left out, discarded, and not nearly as important to his brother as he'd once been.

he knew those thoughts were wrong, of course. his brother would still do anything for him, loved him, and wanted the best for him. but all of the additional background ed had was still hard for al to reconcile. he swallowed hard and shook his head. ]

That's not true, Brother. I just didn't want you to feel pressured to tell me. I thought... I thought you'd tell me when you were ready.

[When Alphonse counters that he was waiting for Ed to be ready his head snaps up, golden eyes narrowing.]

Those were your words, Al!

[His first instinct was to protect his brother, and if Al hadn't wanted to talk about it, to acknowledge that it happened, that had been all fine and well for Ed. He'd spent a year in Attollo with no one knowing about Purg except Michel, here he had Nico and Jay to talk to so it wasn't as if he was keeping it completely quiet. For Alphonse to act like it was Edward that wasn't open to talking about it, though?]

You said you didn't care if I never remembered what happened to you in Purg. You wished I wouldn't, like it would be easier if I just forgot all about it. I stopped telling you anything because you don't seem to want me to think about it, at all. It might not be a part of your life, but it is a part of mine-

[That initial flare of Elric temper is extinguished as abruptly as it sparked, he glances away, swallowing hard. When he speaks again his voice is quiet, as if maintaining that level of anger was just exhausting for him at this point.]

It is part of my life, and it's pushing us apart. If I was in Munich like you thought, maybe things would be different.... I'd be a different person. The one you expected to find the day we met here.

I meant I didn't care because you were so upset about what happened. I didn't want you to keep feeling guilty, Brother. Not that I didn't want to ever hear about it.

[ frustration flares in alphonse, and glints in his mercury colored eyes. but it dulls as soon as edward relents weakly, nearly collapsing in on himself. al hasn't see ed do that since they'd broken into lab 5. the night ed had almost transmuted those prisoners to create a philosopher's stone. shaking his head and wiping away tears that spark at the corner of his eyes, he release a beleaguered sigh. ]

I don't want you to be anyone other than who you are, Brother. You should know that. The person, the brother I love is you, regardless of where you've been. But don't- Don't push me away and don't keep secrets from me. Don't... not tell me things. I want to be part of your life whether it's the life you had in Purgatorium or here.

[Ed doesn't respond right away, he's not looking at his brother when Alphonse speaks, simply taking in everything he's saying without so much as a word. He can't answer, because there is the briefest moment where the only thing Ed wants to say is exactly what Al doesn't want to hear. More secrets, more avoiding topics and refusing to face things head on. If Al's serious, and he really wants Ed to be completely honest with him they'd be off to a terrible start if he continued to let his brother think the way he is.

The problem was that the way Al was thinking right now was better than the alternative. It was better than him knowing the truth, and something does twist inside him to know that Alphonse thinks that way. Guilt? If only it were so simple and straight forward as something like guilt, Ed knew how to deal with guilt, that was a familiar feeling. Nearly comfortable in comparison to this.

When he speaks his voice is quiet, he doesn't look up - won't face his brother or elaborate. Getting this much out was hard enough, and he knew it was only going to raise more questions, cause more confusion, require an explanation he just couldn't put into words right away. Didn't want to put into words at all.

No, guilt would have been an easy thing to talk about, but it also would have been a much easier thing to deal with, too.]

It's .... not guilt.

[ for once in his life, alphonse can't read his brother. he seems so closed off and so shut down that al can't seem to get anything from him. usually, he's able to look at his brother to know how he's feeling, what he's thinking. they were always so on key together that it feels so wrong that he can't tell right now. ]

Then what is it?

[His jaw clenches at the question, because he knows he can't just dodge it. He can't not tell Al the reality of it, but he doesn't think his brother knowing the truth is going to make anything easier between them.]

I killed you, Al. Did you think I'd just get over that? That I don't spend every day worrying about it happening again?

[He knows the argument for that logic already, he's heard it enough times. His expression breaks, any attempt at keeping his emotions in check gone at this point. Voice barely a whisper as he keeps his gaze averted, fingers curling into fists almost idly when he speaks again.]

You don't understand... I still see it.

It won't happen again!

[ alphonse feels certain of this, eyes flashing with determination. ]

I may not understand, but I know it won't happen again. We're not there, not in that place that made you do it and neither are we the same as that time. We have friends here to help us, we have people we can go to. And if you did try, you can bet I'd kick your butt!

[ stepping close to ed, he reaches out to brush long, flaxen bangs from his brother's features. ]

We won't let it happen again. I'll make sure of it, somehow.

[Of course, Al might as well be reading the script of previous conversations when he argues that it won't happen again. He just gives a tired nod, because he knows there's no arguing it. No point in saying that before it happened they would have said it wasn't possible in the first place. When Al points out that this isn't Purg though all Ed can do in response is laugh. Humorless as golden eyes close briefly.]

I told you, Al. That place had nothing to do with it. What happened there could happen here just as easily, people arrive here with their abilities fully in tact. At least in Purg there was a month long probation to earn them back, no one could show up on day one and be a complete danger to everyone. Still, it happened. This place? We're even more defenseless here...

[Nothing was regulated and although Ed was not paranoid about that little detail, it did still come to mind when this situation was brought up. Either way, it wasn't even the fear of doing it that paralyzed him, it was the visual. The mental replay his brain helpfully supplied when he got too close. He'd had to deal with it, had to ignore it - which made it much easier now to be closer to his brother, but it didn't erase it completely.]

But we're not, Brother. That's the thing. Maybe if it was just you and me having to face something like that, but we have friends here.

[ he sees the strain in his brother's features and steps closer. his hands are held out, palms up in a beseeching manner as if he wants ed to take them in his own and al does. he wants to somehow make ed see and feel and believe what he does, but it doesn't work that way and he has to find the words to talk it out. ]

We have lots of friends here. Powerful friends. Jason would help, he's smart and strong. And even if I don't know Nico very well, he seems very powerful too. Didn't he say he's a demigod? That's gotta be something.

[He doesn't take Al's hands, doesn't even look directly at him. He can't when Alphonse is so focused on his own point he's not even listening to his brother's. His expression flickers, there's pain there but he realizes that Al is never going to understand - they're both too stubborn.]

You don't get it. We had friends there, too. More friends, and maybe Nico's more powerful but one person with power doesn't automatically compare to a whole city. Do you really think you can tell me how this place is different from somewhere I lived for years? You weren't there, as you've pointed out. It wasn't just you and me, and it still happened.

[Nevermind the fact that Al doesn't even acknowledge the part that is the real issue. More than the concern that it could happen again, Ed's dealing with the fact that it even happened in the first place. Or he should be, if he hadn't spent so much time repressing it.]

Forget it.

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