[closed]

[anotheroldsoldier]

who: Bucky and Steve
what: A heart to heart after some disturbing news comes to light.
when: After the memory share event.
where: Their apartment.
warnings: Depressing talk, possible talk about violence.


[He can't spend another night in the apartment. This week has gotten to be too much, seeing other people's traumas, having others see his own. And then he was pulled into Natasha's memories the previous night, learned things he can't process. It's four in the morning, early even for early risers, and Bucky is already up and dressed to leave, rummaging in the kitchen cabinets to toss a few nonperishables into a duffel bag.

The shield, though, is left conspicuously leaned against the wall next to Steve's bedroom door with a note that only says 'don't look for me'. He doesn't plan to leave forever, just for a little while to get his head on straight. No one else needs to see him break down over his own mortality.

That was the plan, at least. His shaking hand reaches for the protein bars and knocks a coffee mug off the shelf instead; it shatters loudly on the tile, and he hisses,] Shit.

Comments

[livingsymbol]

[ He's noticed the unease and edgy behavior out of Bucky recently, but Steve is trying, trying not to push. It didn't work with the other Tony and despite his steel-faced stubbornness, Steve does remember what pushing Bucky amounts to. So he's been on what he considers good behavior. No prompting questions or cornering or chasing the man across town.

That is until he hears the crash at four am. He hasn't been sleeping well and the noise has him up immediately. It's seconds later that he emerges, frowning, shield in one hand and a folded note in the other, stalking into the kitchen like a hungry predator. ]

What is this? [ Not again. ]

[anotheroldsoldier]

[Bucky is grabbing the broom to sweep up the shards of ceramic (luckily it was one of their plain white mugs and not one of the more personal ones), duffel bag tossed onto the breakfast table. He curses again under his breath when Steve appears in the doorway, holding the shield and the hastily-written note his dumb ass had decided to leave in his hurry to get away.]

I volunteered for some overnight patrols. [The lie comes out as smoothly as ever, but he knows it doesn't explain the note. Or his appearance. He's a little pale still, dark circles under his eyes from keeping himself awake, his prosthetic hand steady but the real hand unsteady.]

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve scowls when Bucky gives his answer. It's so easy and it does make sense, which only makes him feel worse because that doesn't line up with the note he found. It also doesn't explain why Bucky looks like he's been through Hell or why he didn't just tell Steve he was going to be away for a while. The blond moves so that he's blocking the kitchen entrance with his body. ]

Pretty early for a night patrol. You sure that's all you're doing out here?

[anotheroldsoldier]

[He had wanted to get out without anybody asking him what was wrong, but apparently that's not going to happen. Bucky scowls a little as he gets a broom to clean up the offending shattered mug.]

I just... need to get away for a little while. I need time to think. It's... I saw some things last night and I need to- figure some things out.

[livingsymbol]

[ Of course Bucky is unlucky enough to get Steve's attention. Of all people, Steve is the one least likely to let it go. He takes a step forward, not too close, but enough to indicate his concern as Bucky tries to clean up and avoid the problem. ]

What kind of things?

[anotheroldsoldier]

[He really didn't want to have this conversation while the wound is still fresh, still bleeding, but Steve won't let this go now that he knows something is wrong. He's like a dog with a bone, and Bucky would still prefer not to be hunted down when he does leave to get his head together.]

What I'm gonna do from here on out kinda things. [He sweeps up the shards of ceramic and dumps them unceremoniously into the trash.] I saw a memory of Natasha's last night. She's- she's been through more than we have, you know. [Metal fingers curl around the broom handle a little too tight, warping the plastic. It still haunts him, the implications Clint had been making in this memory.]

There's nothin' for me to go back home for, Steve. I lost my girl, I ain't Cap anymore, I- She remembers me dying. Zemo got me. [He still can't give voice to the other part just yet. Still wants to believe it's not true.]

[livingsymbol]

[Not knowing is always worse. Steve still holds onto that memory of helplessness when it comes to Bucky. He is trying to be better about his friends after having several missteps in Riverview already, but Bucky's troubles are too close to home for Steve to ever ignore.

Steve tenses, frowning as Bucky lays out what he saw. His teeth clench, because Bucky can't die, he won't let him die again, and has to bite back his first response.]

Nothing? Bucky, I won't let you die. Whatever you saw, whatever happened, we can stop it.

[anotheroldsoldier]

[He's expecting this response. He wasn't ready for this conversation, not at all. Everything is still new to him, like an exposed, raw nerve, easily prodded, easily pained. Steve's words make him grit his teeth and turn away briefly, trying to rein in his immediate reaction.]

You don't know that, Steve. What if stopping that changes the timeline and makes things worse? [His lips press together tight for a moment, and then he seems to deflate.] I never expected to grow old anyway.

[livingsymbol]

[ It's a painful subject. There's nothing that Steve hates more than the feeling of helplessness as he watches someone suffer. Bucky is his closest friend and not being able to offer anything to ease the man's doubt and concerns eats at him. He fights against it, restlessly shifting his weight as they stand in the kitchen. ]

I know I'm not going to let you die again. We can find another way. There's no reason for you to have to take on everything.

[ Of course he's not going to be a supporter of sacrificing his friend to the greater good. That just seems selfish and cowardly to him. What kind of future is built on blood so casually? ]

That's different. Being a fighter, a soldier, that doesn't mean you should go back just expecting to die. I- I couldn't live with that.

[anotheroldsoldier]

[Painful is an understatement. There is nothing Bucky wants more than to run away from this conversation, and for half a second, his eyes even flicker to the window, like he's thinking about making a break for it. He could, if he really wanted to, but Steve would just chase after him.]

That's- what I need to figure out. If I'm ever going to go back. [His voice is a little smaller here, a little more hesitant.] I don't want to die. But at the same time, I can't fuck up the timeline for everyone else. Maybe that will just make things worse.

[livingsymbol]

[The answer hurts, because Steve doesn't know what will happen if Bucky goes back. Or if he doesn't. The possibility of wrecking their timeline is a real problem that he can't ignore, but he can't bring himself to sacrifice his brother to that even if it does threaten their world. It's just not worth it.]

I'll be with you. No matter what happens or where you go, I'm going to be with you.

[That much Steve knows for certain.]

[anotheroldsoldier]

[Steve's insistent that he'll be there, but can he be? He remembers the conversation between Natasha and Clint that he saw, the things they said. In Natasha's memory, Steve was working with Zemo. Steve, the person he trusts the most in the world, helped kill him. Bucky can't believe for a second that this man would willingly go along with a plot like that. He cannot believe that Steve would ever purposely hurt him.

Still, there is a tiny part of him that doubts, and he hates that.]

But you don't have the answers either. [He says quietly.] I just... I need some space to think. I need some time. You're my best friend and I love you, but I can't get that here in the city right now.

[He exhales, scrubbing a hand over his face.] I'm not going through the portal. I'm not leaving the Quarantine. But I need to get out of here for a little while.

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I don't have the answers.

[No one has all the answers. Steve knows that. He knows that neither of them are truly sure about the future of the world they left. He's always been the type of person to believe that they can make the future better through work and perseverance, as hard as it might get. He believes, deep down, that they won't ever be that bad. But Tony's awkward distance and strange disappearance and the way people seem to come and go in Quarantine with such an ominous atmosphere around them makes even Steve wonder if something terrible is waiting ahead.

Can he really guarantee his friend's safety? Neither of them can be sure. And Steve knows that he's pushing. Maybe that's why they had so much trouble before.]

You'll come back?

[anotheroldsoldier]

And only I can figure out where I need to go from here. What I need to do with- with this information. [He needs to think, and sort through it on his own, distance himself from the emotions surrounding it. It'll be harder, he knows, to stay here and hear Steve telling him over and over again that it'll be alright, that they'll stop it. Because what if they can't? What if he has to break both their hearts all over again?

He needs a game plan and he needs to be sure, inside himself, that it's the right thing to do, free from outside influence and false hope.

Bucky steps closer to Steve, and rests his right hand on his shoulder, squeezing firmly. He looks up at him, meeting his eyes, honest.] Yeah, Steve. I'm coming back. I wouldn't do that to you. Not after everything we've been through.