[open] cancel your reservations

[franciscoramon]

who: cisco + anyone!
what: catch-all, amnesia event
when: august
where: anywhere; if you want a starter, please hit me up!
warnings: discussion of murder, use of alcohol to cope, will add more as needed

i. pre-amnesia (august 5-10)

[ Cisco knows that he is probably opening himself up to a world of headaches and unnecessary trouble, but there have been plenty of new arrivals, and more and more he is noticing that people who show up from non-technologically advanced worlds simply have no support system to really teach them all the cool things they can do even with their phones, not to mention other machines and devices. So, one day when there's a lull between projects for the RPD and other emergency services, he goes to a print shop and has flyers made:

TECHNOLOGICAL CULTURE SHOCK??? NEED LESSONS ON HOW TO USE YOUR PHONE, LAPTOP, OR OTHER ELECTRONIC GADGET??? STOP BY THE ADDRESS BELOW FOR A FREE INFORMAL LESSON!!!

Normally it's the kind of announcement he would make over the network, but what if someone is really struggling and can't even get on there? No, flyers seem like the way to go for this crowd. Cisco adds some fine print at the bottom, below the address for his workshop, but all it says is:

*NO HIDDEN AGENDA JUST A HELPFUL DUDE WANTING TO SHARE THE WONDERS OF TECHNOLOGY, LESSONS ARE FREE BUT TRIBUTE PAID IN CANDY IS ALWAYS ACCEPTED]

ii. amnesia (august 12-19)

[ The changes in Cisco are not, at first, as obvious as they may be in other people. He remembers Riverview, and everyone he has met here, and all the details of his life in this place. He remembers his name, all the movies and video games that he loves, all the technical skills and scientific know-how necessary for his job. He even remembers most stuff about his own past - that he worked at S.T.A.R. Labs, that he's a member of Team Flash and friend to Barry Allen. That he is a metahuman, with various abilities tied to manipulating multidimensional energy.

The only thing that has been carved away from his memory is, in fact, Eobard Thawne. Cisco doesn't remember his mentor's betrayal, or being murdered, or the circumstances that surrounded him discovering his powers. All of the shame and dread he's been carrying about his powers, because of Eobard and the things he'd said and done, has just vanished. In addition, Cisco's trauma over that whole experience is, for the moment, covered over. To anyone who knows him even a little he will seem inexplicably younger. Quicker to smile and laugh, volumes more trusting, and also a lot more inclined to talk about some guy named Dr. Wells in a positive, even devoted manner.

Cisco will spend this week doing what he usually does - working at his workshop (still offering those lessons), trying out new restaurants, shopping for graphic tees and games and movies, exploring the safe parts of the city a little - but with an extra spring in his step. If you've wanted your character to find out about him being a metahuman, now would be a good time for it! ]

iii. post-amnesia (august 20-31)

[ The not-remembering? Had been good. But when that's done, and all of Cisco's memories are restored to him, the transition is... rough. Putting it mildly. Back when all of it had happened, there had been so much going on - one life-or-death situation after the other - that he hadn't had time to linger too much on how he was changing, being shaped into an older, sadder, more broken version of himself.

Now, though, there is no big crisis, no distraction to divert his attention. One minute he is the old, sunny Cisco - the one he still thinks of as the person he was supposed to be - and the next, it all comes rushing back. The contrast is stark, and it's kind of fucking him up a little. Or, rather, a lot.

He goes back to having nightmares almost as often as he did in those first weeks after his death, which means he isn't getting a whole lot of sleep, and it shows in the dark circles under his eyes. Cisco withdraws somewhat - not enough to worry that he's abandoning anyone, but he takes longer to answer texts, doesn't reach out to people first, doesn't go out and about in the evenings. He is quieter, with considerably more strain behind his smiles. He throws himself into his work, staying in his workshop long hours, sometimes falling asleep there, for a few fitful hours. When he can't work any more, he spends a little more time than he should in some nearby bars, drinking a little more than he ought to, trying not to think about the person he is now compared to the person he was the week before. ]

iv. misc

[ Come plot something! ]

Comments

for eddie

[franciscoramon]

[ Even after Taako teleports out, leaving Cisco alone in his workshop, he doesn't stay there long. He's regretting the sugary coffee that he had drunk all in a rush, because now it's 2AM and he is alone and practically vibrating with awful, nervous energy. It can't be true. Any of those vague, confusing, ridiculous accusations about Dr. Wells. The Reverse Flash? How could he be? Why would he spend all that time trying to help Barry?

And that's not even touching the stuff about Eddie being dead. He wants to just dismiss all that with the rest. But there had been that post on the network. Who would have the time to hack in and set something like that up? And besides... Eddie had been acting a little weird for the last few days. Not all the time, but now and then, Cisco thought he caught flashes of sadness, moments when it seemed like Eddie was thinking about saying something and then changed his mind. He'd just assumed it was about the two of them - their whole awkward situation after they'd briefly crossed the line from friends to... something else, and then gone back again.

He is heading out the door before he even realizes it, not even grabbing his jacket, just shivering in the misty night air as he walks at first, and then jogs, back to the apartment. Cisco doesn't ever really make the decision; once he is inside he merely passes by the stairs and heads for Eddie's closed bedroom door. There's no way he's still awake, at this hour, but Cisco can't imagine waiting for the morning. His hands are shaking as he knocks on the door, opening it a crack and calling in, softly, but with audible strain in his voice: ]

Eddie?

[causational]

[It's been a rough few days - it hadn't taken a genius to figure out what Cisco had forgotten when he was hit by the amnesia, not after a few gentle, probing questions following Cisco's innocent assertion that he doesn't remember how Eddie got that scar on his chest. And then it had clicked, why Cisco's been so happy and carefree, why he's been smiling so much more freely and his sense of humour has less of a sarcastic, dark edge.

He knows, on some level, that he should've told Cisco the truth, gently broken it to him, and he's tried, he really has, but he can't bring himself to. This will pass, he knows, and then Cisco will have to grieve all over again, but right now, Eddie can't figure out how to tell him what happened, how to explain it so he'd believe him, and he doesn't have the strength or energy to try to convince him, to cite proof. It's too much, still too raw.

But it's been hard not to, at the same time, especially with the constant dread of when Cisco is going to remember again lingering in the back of his mind. Eddie's dreams haven't been pleasant for the past few nights, and this night is no different. When Cisco pushes the door open and calls his name quietly, Eddie jerks awake, sits up with a little gasp, and blinks into the darkness.]

Cisco? Yeah...come in.

[It's mumbled, soft, and Eddie leans over, flicks on the lamp at his bedside, blinks owlishly toward the door. Still sitting up, hair a mess, chest bare, he looks at Cisco.]

What's up?

[franciscoramon]

[ He feels only a moment or two of guilt, when Eddie clearly wakes up less than gently. He looks rumpled and uncharacteristically vulnerable, shirtless and blinking in the sudden bright light. Cisco opens his mouth to just ask the question that is battering away at his insides, but he pauses. He can't just ask this with only his head in the door, like he's checking if Eddie wants him to pick anything up at the store.

So Cisco slips in the room, shutting the door behind him quietly. When he gets to the side of Eddie's bed he toes off his shoes and climbs up on it, sits cross-legged at the very foot. He tries to make himself be still, but the anxious energy keeps coming out in the way he can't seem to settle. ]

Sorry to wake you up, man. I know you've got work in the morning. I- I should have waited. It's not urgent.

[ But even though his words are saying one thing, all the other signs are pointing towards the opposite - there's a pallor about his face, a tension in his voice, and he doesn't even wait more than a second or two before he keeps talking. ]

Just kind of a weird night. Taako came by the lab and he was saying all this... this crazy stuff about Dr. Wells. And you.

[ It's impossible, for his eyes not to flick down and away from Eddie's face, to the half of his bare torso that is exposed over the sheets of the bed. There, still, are those three scars. Cisco's guts churn uneasily, he brings a hand up to his mouth and starts to gnaw at a cuticle - it's a bad habit but he's too stressed and lost to worry about that right now. ]

You're not- this is gonna sound stupid and I'm sorry to wake you up to ask the world's dumbest question but you're not... dead, right?

[causational]

[When Cisco shuts the door behind him, Eddie squirms to one side in the bed, lifts a hand to rub at his eyes and then push his hair back from his forehead while Cisco comes closer and toes his shoes off, climbs onto Eddie's bed and crosses his legs. But he's not still, he keeps shifting and fidgeting, and it couldn't be more obvious that something is very wrong. That Cisco is distraught. As if him coming by in the middle of the night like this wasn't sign enough, anyway.]

It's fine, Cisco. I'll live. [Eddie rubs at his eyes again and then makes eye contact with Cisco, trying to hold his gaze.] What's wrong?

[And then Cisco is blurting it out, his face pale, his voice tight and anxious, and he interrupts in a way that's not normal for Cisco, to just speak, the words coming all in a rush and tumbling over each other as he tells him what Taako had said, asks his questions. It's Eddie's turn to be still, then, his eyes downcast, his mouth a bit tight before he licks his lips. He saw Cisco's eyes on his chest, his scar, and then he's asking if Eddie is dead.

Something about how he says that takes Eddie's breath away, and his voice chokes off, he can't speak for a few long moments before he's nodding. Reaching out, he takes Cisco's hand between his and squeezes, gently.]

I'm sorry, Cisco. You don't sound stupid. You're right, I am dead. Or...I was dead. I had died right before I came here, and when I came through the portal, they resuscitated me.

[franciscoramon]

[ The moment that Eddie doesn't immediately say no, Cisco knows that that means yes. Otherwise Eddie would look confused, not sit silent and too still, as if there's a lot going on under the surface that Cisco cannot see. So even for those awful moments of silence, when Eddie is looking down at the bed between them, not moving or speaking, Cisco knows.

It isn't like when Eddie had died, back in Central City, when there were dozens of other distractions, and when Cisco had barely known him. Now, there is nothing to divert any part of his attention from the blow. And this time, Eddie is not a nice guy that he never really had the chance to get to know. Eddie is Eddie who listens to rap music while he's mopping the floor and makes the cutest little noises when he's laughing so hard he can barely breathe. This is an Eddie that Cisco has relied on, spilled his secrets to. An Eddie he has kissed, and longed to kiss more. ]

No.

[ He doesn't even mean to say it - the word just spills from him, involuntary. Cisco's hand stays limp and inert in Eddie's hands. His heart is beating too hard; Eddie's hands feel warm and solid but Cisco feels strangely detached from his body, paralyzed. It's all he can do to lift his eyes, meet Eddie's gaze. The look on his face is shock, horror, and raw grief. ]

You can't be. We would've saved you.

[ It doesn't even occur to Cisco what he's doing right then, that denial is just about as cliched a response as is possible. But he's trying to wrap his brain around it, and even with Eddie alive now, in this place... that doesn't negate the fact that he'd died. Cisco knows how much a death can mean, even the ones that get undone. And he has known other people here who died back in their worlds and now can never return.

And Eddie just looks so tired, and tense, and sad. Cisco's voice is starting to get choke up as he asks, in a quavery whisper. ]

How could I let you die?

[causational]

[Eddie can see it, the slow dawning of realization on Cisco's face, as he registers what Eddie is saying, and then he's saying 'no' like that, quiet, and he doesn't pull his hand out of Eddie's, Cisco lifts his eyes and looks at Eddie in the face. The expression on Cisco's is startling, shakes Eddie a little bit with the rawness of his grief and shock and horror and disbelief.

Then he's blurting that he can't be dead, that they would've saved him, asking how could they let him die. No...how could Cisco let him die, and the moment that registers in Eddie's brain, he's shaking his head, making soft murmuring sounds.]

No, Cisco, no, no...you guys never had a chance to save me. You didn't...you didn't let me die. Cisco, you didn't do anything wrong. Not you, not Barry, no one. You didn't let me die, okay?

[Eddie tries to make eye contact, squeezes Cisco's hand gently between his own, then lifts one of them to cup Cisco's face.]

Hey, look at me, okay? You didn't let me die. I chose to. It was my choice, and I did it to myself. And I did it to save you. You, and Iris, and Joe, and Barry, and everyone I ever loved, okay? I chose that. And I don't regret it, okay?

[His voice is rough and choked, and he strokes his thumb against Cisco's cheek, gentle and careful.]

Look at you. You're here. You're alive, you're feeling and breathing and your heart is beating, and that's because I did what I did. I do not, and will never regret that, okay? It's okay. It's okay Cisco.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco thinks that maybe it would be easier to accept, if he could remember what had happened, if he had seen it or even a video or something, some tangible piece of evidence to prove to him that this was true. It's so much harder to wrap his mind around just words, even though he knows they aren't a lie. Eddie would not lie about this. But it still feels strange and unreal, like if he just says the right combination of words he can undo it, erase it, leave Eddie happy and healthy and without that scar right over his heart.

How different it would be, in any other situation, if Eddie brought his hand to Cisco's face with that much care and tenderness. Cisco presses his cheek into it, forces himself to look up and at Eddie when he's asked, even though his vision is starting to swim as the tears come on, hot and sudden and inexorable. ]

You sacrificed yourself?

[ Two tears spill down his cheeks, and his chin trembles a little. Maybe it ought to make things better, knowing that Eddie had had a choice in the matter, that he had been in control, that it isn't something he regrets. But somehow it aches even worse, because Eddie is so good, so selfless that he'd give up his own life for other people. Other people who had never fully appreciated him - not the way he ought to have been appreciated.

And his death must have had to do with Dr. Wells. It had come up when he was talking about Dr. Wells being innocent, so something about all of that must have led to a situation where Eddie needed to sacrifice his life to save everyone. Cisco reaches up a hand, brushing fingertips over the scar on Eddie's chest before his face crumples, and he gives up trying to pretend he is not crying. ]

I'm s-sorry... I'm sorry you had to do that. I'm sorry I- I forgot.

[ He knows that there is something causing people amnesia, that no one knows why, but he still doesn't understand how he could lose something this huge. He'd spent who knows how long not even realizing that the reason he's alive at all is, apparently, Eddie's selflessness. That his heart is beating because of him, that he's breathing because of him. He'd been taking those things entirely for granted, not knowing what they cost. ]

Thank you. I don't- I still don't know what happened but thank you for doing whatever you d-did.

[ Cisco is still imagining the scenario not quite as it was. A gunshot, yes. But he is imagining a situation where Eddie stood in front of a bullet, where he leapt at some faceless villain (who apparently was in some kind of cahoots with Dr. Wells of all people) and had gotten shot in the process of disarming them. ]

[causational]

[For a few long minutes, Eddie is quiet and lets Cisco process what he's said, watches the denial slide away as it hits home. Watches the grief overtake the shock until Cisco's eyes are wet with tears and he asks to verify if Eddie sacrificed himself before those tears spill down his cheeks. Eddie keeps Cisco's hand in his and his other hand on Cisco's cheeks even as tears spill down and dampen his fingertips. He doesn't stop to wipe his fingers or reposition, doesn't mind keeping his hand in place because this is important. Being here, with Cisco as he processes his grief and comes to terms with it.

When he apologizes, though, Eddie makes a soft hushing sound in his throat, instinctive. He can't let him apologize like that, like he did something wrong, like he failed Eddie in any way, because he didn't.]

Hey, none of that. Like I said, I chose to do it. I chose to do what I did. You don't have to apologize.

[Gently, Eddie keeps stroking Cisco's face, pressing his palm against his cheek, wiping away his tears and providing quiet comfort and support. For a while he's quiet, giving Cisco the space to cry it out and then, very quietly, he speaks.]

I'm sorry I didn't explain sooner. You were just so happy, not knowing. I didn't want to make you cry.

[Taking a deep breath, he resists the urge to lean in, to kiss Cisco, to give in again and comfort him in a more substantial way. Instead he takes a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, speaking quietly.]

But that's not fair to you. So...so I'm gonna ask. Do you want to know what happened?

[franciscoramon]

[ Even through the haze of his tears, Cisco can see the look of concern on Eddie's face, all that warmth and worry, despite the fact that he is the one who had died and who ought to be distraught. When he says he didn't want to make Cisco cry, Cisco laughs, a short little trembling sound. It's not funny, really. None of this is. ]

Everybody's been saying I s-seem like I'm really happy this week.

[ This must be the reason why: he'd not been himself, and not even realized it. It only amplifies the grief, this feeling of not even knowing who he really is, not being sure what he's lost. How much more might there be? Surely none of it can be worse than forgetting Eddie is dead?

Eddie's question draws out another little laugh from Cisco, but this one is at least half sob, too. How does Eddie manage to be so considerate, even now? Even when Cisco came barging into his room at 2AM, making him recount things that Cisco ought to already know, and then bursting into messy tears all over him. The man has the patience of a saint. Cisco chews at his bottom lip for a moment, thinking. ]

Yeah. No. I- I don't know.

[ How can he decide whether he wants to know something, when he doesn't know what the thing itself is? The truth is, the not-knowing is horrible. His mind keeps conjuring up possibilities, each more gruesome than the last. But what if knowing is worse? And what if narrating the whole thing is tedious or traumatic for Eddie? Cisco tries to draw in a steadying breath, but it's hitched and shaky. ]

I think... yes. 'Cause who knows when I'll get my memories b-back, if I ever do, and I don't want to- I don't know. I don't want to say something messed up and wrong and not even realize it and hurt you, but... can I give you a hug, first?

[causational]

That makes sense.

[Eddie says it, carefully, gently, his eyes on Cisco's face.]

Forgetting some of the more painful parts of your life probably made it a lot easier to be happy. I get that.

[It's careful, because Eddie doesn't want to make it seem like there's anything wrong with Cisco being happy, or with Cisco the way he normally is. The truth is, Eddie likes him, regardless, and all the stuff that makes Cisco who he is still exists whether he remembers about Wells or not. So he just sits still and keeps stroking Cisco's face, and as Cisco struggles with his tears, and with the decision about whether he wants to know more details, he allows his fingers to slide up into Cisco's hair, stroking it back from his face. It's a soothing gesture, intended to comfort Cisco, and soothe some of his anxiety, while he keeps quiet and bides his time so Cisco can decide what he wants.

When Cisco finally says yes, and that he wants to know because he's worried about hurting Eddie, Eddie smiles a bit.]

Okay. I can tell you, but don't decide you want to know just because of the not wanting to hurt me thing, okay? Because I can handle it, if you say something that hurts a bit while you can't remember. It's not your fault.

[A moment later, his brain catches up and he realizes that Cisco asked if he could give him a hug. Smiling slightly, he nods, leans forward, and pulls Cisco in close. Gently he guides Cisco's head against his shoulder with one hand and then buries those fingers into Cisco's hair, holding him close and stroking his hair.]

I'm here, and I'm alive now, okay? It's fine. I'm happy here.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco nods against Eddie's shoulder, indicating that he understands Eddie is alive and alright, even if he hasn't always been that way. But still, once his arms are wrapped around Eddie, Cisco gives a few more hiccupy, shuddery sobs. He squeezes tightly, seeking comfort but also trying to give it. Eddie might be putting a brave and patient face on all of this, but it can't be easy. Cisco is aware of that.

When he finally pulls away, he doesn't move that far, stays closer to where Eddie is in the bed, their knees touching. Cisco tucks his hair back behind his ears, his eyes and nose quite red from the tears. But he wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand, sniffs a little, and says: ]

Tell me. I can handle it, too. [ It shouldn't be on Eddie, to bear with any accidental pain, when the solution is so simple. ] I'll believe you. Whatever you say.

[ There is a simple, effortless trust in that. When Taako had tried to explain, Cisco had resisted, argued with him, ended up snapping much more harshly than is his custom. But he'd been wrong, and he sees that now. So this time, he's not going to try to fight it. He's not going to demand proof. He is just going to listen, and believe. ]

[causational]

[Cisco is still sobbing, though not as much as he was earlier, his face pressed against Eddie's shoulder, squeezing at him, and Eddie can feel the empathy, the care there. Closing his eyes, he turns his head and presses his face into Cisco's hair, squeezing him back, rubbing his fingertips through his hair and pressing his palm against his back, comforting him in turn.

And then, when Cisco pulls away but stays close, close enough that their knees touch and Eddie can reach out, place his hand on Cisco's knee and squeeze it gently, supporting him while he answers. Says he can handle it and that he'll believe him.]

Okay. Good. Because I would never, never lie to you, Cisco. Okay? I promise you.

[After a moment, he takes a breath, holds it, and then lets it out slow and even.]

This is going to sound a little crazy, but I'm going to start from the beginning. Speedsters and time travel. Do you remember when Barry went back in time for a day and the timeline changed?

[Eddie pauses for a moment, waiting for a response before continuing.]

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco nods, solemnly, accepting Eddie's promise. Once he's done that, he waits, hands twisted together in his lap, not wanting to rush Eddie. His heart is still beating very fast, but he thinks that was probably just all the caffeine he'd consumed soon before he came here; all the same, it doesn't exactly soothe his current fraught emotions.

When Eddie asks his question, Cisco responds promptly and also instinctively. ]

Yeah.

[ That initial answer is confident, self-contained and complete. Except that the moment he says it, Cisco tries to recall the precise day, some of its details, and there's... gaps. Not the sort of gaps one expects in memory, for uneventful afternoons or childhood birthday parties. This is something just at the tip of his brain, that he knows he ought to remember, but can't quite seem to reach it. So he adds, after a second or two, brow furrowed. ]

I think parts are missing. I know it happened, just... there are holes.

[causational]

That's okay, if parts are missing. I just wanted to make sure you knew about speedsters and time travel.

[For a few moments, he's still, then he reaches out to take Cisco's hand with the hand that's not clasped against Cisco's knee. Taking a deep breath, again, to steady himself, he continues after a moment, making eye contact with Cisco and holding it while he speaks.]

What Taako said was true, that Dr. Wells was lying to all of us. He was lying about who he was, and where he came from. He was an impostor, who was only wearing the face of Dr. Wells, and his real name was Eobard Thawne. He kidnapped me, just a few days before I came here, and confessed about who he was.

[A pause, and he gives Cisco a moment to process that, still holding eye contact. Holding Cisco's hand, holding his knee, his expression genuine and direct.]

I didn't believe it at first, when he told me he was my descendant, from the future, and a speedster. He traveled back in time because he and Barry were enemies. But he showed me a newspaper from the future, about Barry, and I saw him do superspeed.

[franciscoramon]

[ It's not like this is entirely unexpected - if one part of the absolutely absurd, impossible story were true, why not another part as well? Still, it is different somehow, hearing it from Eddie. Knowing this isn't second-hand information and rumor, as it must by necessity have been for Taako, who had never even met Dr. Wells. Eddie had met him. He'd been to his home, after that incident with Hartley Rathaway, had seen him here and there at S.T.A.R. Labs and when the group of them traveled to the CCPD. ]

He kidnapped...? [ Cisco can't help but interject it, but then he manages to quiet himself, lets Eddie keep talking to get further in the story. He should hear all of it, before he begins the barrage of confused questions, and only after he's dealt with those will he be able to afford to feel much of anything about this. ]

So Dr. Wells isn't paralyzed? I spent all that time at the hospital with him, and it was just a trick?

[ Pretty sick joke, as far as Cisco's concerned. He'd been worried out of his mind, while the media had its protracted feeding frenzy. ]

You're saying he's... the Reverse Flash, right? Dr. Wells actually is he man in yellow?

[causational]

[Eddie pauses when Cisco blurts that question about Wells kidnapping him, gives him a moment and responds with just a nod. After Eddie finishes, he leaves a bit of time for Cisco to process it, to sort out his questions, and then ask them. Eddie swallows hard and nods, his eyes still on Cisco's, holding contact.]

No. He was faking being paralyzed. I'm sorry, Cisco. It was just...it was all a lie. He was the man in yellow, the Reverse Flash, and he stole the real Dr. Wells' face and he lived his life so he could get close to Barry, after he killed his mother. It was all a really, really elaborate revenge plan and you...you and me and Iris and Caitlin and everyone else...we were just collateral damage. And that sucks. It sucks a lot.

[Licking his lips, Eddie swallows, and leans in.]

When Barry went back in time and erased that timeline...part of what he erased was you, figuring it out about Eobard. You're smart, you put it together, and he...

[A pause, and he holds his breath, his eyes going wet, but he keeps speaking, his voice a little shaky, but he keeps going.]

He killed you. When Barry changed the timeline, you remembered that, and it's when your powers started to surface. You thought it was a bad dream, but it was real. And I found out about that. In the end...he threatened everyone, he said he was going to kill everyone that Barry had ever cared about, one by one, and I knew he could do it.

[A pause, and then, softly, eyes still locked on Cisco's.]

Except me. Because I was his ancestor. And so when I realized that, I shot myself. In the heart. And when I died that meant he couldn't be born, so he disappeared.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco doesn't say anything as Eddie speaks; he tries to keep his reaction to a minimum, not wanting to be distracting. But he has always had a very open face, and that is only amplified by the fact that emotions have been running high for a while now, both when he'd confronted Taako and then asked Eddie about his death. So it is written clearly across his features: the dawning understanding, the realization of just how far this all stretches.

Eddie isn't saying that something happened to make Wells turn on them, but rather, that he had never been on their side. That every decision, every gesture, every smile, every word, was suspect. And that's already a whole lot to process - not knowing if he'd ever meant anything at all to Dr. Wells or if it had been all some sort of strategy.

But then Eddie is getting emotional, and Cisco's attention returns to him fully - he doesn't have time to speculate, now. He can save that for later on, in the dead of night when he is alone. As Eddie's talking he scoots just a tiny bit closer, concern creasing his brow, and Eddie says that Dr. Wells killed him. Which is.... impossible. Sure, Cisco knows it is scientifically possible, that Barry could time travel and change events. He knows that his powers allow him to see timelines that have been changed that way, but he doesn't know how he knows that. How could he know, unless Barry had done it? But there is just a gap in his memory where that knowledge should be. ]

You shot...?

[ And Cisco can see how it is coming together, the abstract narrative of it. Eddie had said he was going to explain how he died, and all the pieces fit. But it's like a story about different people - Cisco can't reconcile it with their actual lives. He pictures Eddie, bringing a gun up to his own chest, thinking it was the only way to save his friends... ]

Sucks doesn't even begin to cover it. Do I? [ And Cisco tugs at the neck of his shirt, looking at his chest. He doesn't know what he's expecting to see - a scar there to match Eddie's that he just somehow hadn't noticed? But he's reacting to this all in the moment, without time to process at all first. ] No, I guess I wouldn't have one, because... you said Barry reset it, which... he didn't do for you, for some reason, and... I don't even know why I assumed a gun, I mean, maybe he... pushed me off a roof or poisoned me or...

[ Which is about as far as Cisco gets before he's covering his mouth with his hand, the weight of all of it finally starting to hit him. It isn't like amnesia in movies - he doesn't remember, magically, once the story is told to him. It's more like if someone told him what was going to happen to him in the future - it's personal, and he understands some of the context, the implications, the people involved. But it doesn't quite feel real. Which is probably the only reason why he feels only a little bit like he's going to be sick. ]

Did he... do you know if he- [ It's an awful question to ask. Eddie is saying he had died to erase this person, this Eobard, and Cisco hates that that was necessary. He probably doesn't know the answer to this question - probably no one does. But Cisco can't hold it in. His voice is cracked and weepy but he blinks hard and manages to keep himself from shedding any more tears as he asks: ] Did he even care about me at all?

[causational]

[Eddie isn't lost in his own feelings enough to not realize how this is affecting Cisco - he can see it, written across his face. He can see the tears still in his eyes and on his cheeks, and Eddie squeezes Cisco's hand, gentle and careful, supporting him as much as he can. In Eddie's mind, it doesn't matter that he's the one who had died or any of that, his pain and grief doesn't matter as much as Cisco's, because right now he's just recounting it. Cisco is learning it for what feels like the first time, and Cisco is right.

Sucks doesn't even begin to cover it.

When Cisco pulls his shirt out, looks down the front of it, Eddie winces, and lowers his gaze for a moment. Weighs his options, and then exhales, his breath coming soft and a bit rough.]

He used his hand. To phase through your chest, and damage your heart.

[It's said carefully, and then Cisco is covering his mouth and speaking with his voice all cracked and broken and thick with tears, and Eddie wants to hug him again as he tries to get his question out, and it's hard because his voice keeps cracking, and he keeps having to stop himself from crying. Every neuron of Eddie's is firing with a desperate desire to make it better for Cisco, to help somehow, but there's nothing he can do. There's nothing he can say to ease the pain of this. So he just keeps squeezing his hand, gentle and firm, and when Cisco asks his question, Eddie's eyes sink shut for a moment before he opens them again, looks Cisco in his eyes.]

I don't know if he's capable of caring about anyone but himself. I think...as much as he can care about someone, he cared about you. I think he thought he did. It's just that I doubt he had any kind of meaningful capacity for it. I'm sorry, Cisco.

[A pause, and then, quietly, very quietly, his eyes still on Cisco's.]

And I know it doesn't mean anything, coming from me, because I'm not him, I'm not the person you trusted and thought of as a mentor and all of that, but...but the fact that he was a fake doesn't mean you're not worth that kind of care and affection, okay? I care about you. A lot of people care about you. I'm so glad you're here with me and alive. Okay?

[franciscoramon]

[ If it were happening to someone else, Cisco might be curious about why that one detail was different than the others. For everything that Eddie had told him, he had remembered nothing - there hadn't been any sense of recognition or rightness, any instinctive response at all. But when he says that Dr. Wells had phased his hand through Cisco's chest, had killed him by damaging his heart, something does happen. The fear comes on suddenly, a flood, and he freezes.

There's no reason he knows why this should be different, and yet the moment Eddie says those words, he feels utter and paralyzing terror. It goes beyond what he thinks he would feel, just finding out that Dr. Wells had killed him in such an unusually hands-on and up-close way. It's as if some part of him, deeper than whatever parts of his brain the amnesia is effecting, recognizes the truth of it, and remembers.

The feeling is mercifully brief, but it further convinces him that this isn't some mistake or trick on all of them (he doesn't think Eddie's lying, but what if HIS memories were tampered with?). And what a coincidence, that he finds that certainty just before Eddie says, essentially, what sounds like an elaborate 'no'. After all, "he isn't capable of caring about anyone" still means that Wells had feigned caring for Cisco. That it had been about what use he could get out of him, more than anything else.

Cisco laughs, then. It's cracked and soft and audibly just this side of completely breaking down. Eddie had exactly anticipated what he would think next. Eddie can say that none of that means Cisco is unloveable, but that doesn't actually make it true. The evidence suggests otherwise, strongly. Sure, Eddie cares about him. But Eddie cares about everybody. Eddie is the kind of guy who would shoot himself in the chest just to keep everyone safe - being someone he cares about is roughly the same as being alive.

And yes, Caitlin loved him in her way, or at least he'd thought so until she just... disappeared for months, hardly texted him back. He had wanted to be patient and understanding while she went through a tough time, but it was hard not to re-evaluate how much he really mattered to her. The same had been true for Barry, who said they were best friends, but caught bullets that Joe had fired to save Cisco's life.

He can't actually seem to stop laughing, which is a new and frightening thing (though who knows - maybe this is normal for him and he's just forgotten that along with the rest). Eventually he forces himself to suck in a long breath to disrupt the momentum of those shivery awful giggles and says, as if it's a joke: ]

Pretty sure that's exactly what it means.

[ Cisco pulls his hand from Eddie's hold, wiping at the corners of his eyes with the heel of his palm and thinking how very incontrovertible the evidence is. The funny thing, the thing that had made him laugh just now, was the fact that he should have known it all along. Every time he's thought that maybe he was special to someone, it turned out to be too good to be true. Even with Eddie, during that blackout. Too good to be true. But he can't risk saying that out loud, because it would be cruel, to make Eddie feel guilty for not wanting him. Cisco can hardly blame him after all. ]

It's okay, though. It's- I'm fine. I should- I should go, I think I actually need to um. Cry for a couple of hours, and I've bothered you enough. Th-thank you for telling me and. Saving my life.

[ And Cisco starts scooting towards the edge of the bed, intending to make it out of the room before he breaks down completely. ]

[causational]

[It feels like Eddie's throat is closed up, like he's got a lump comprised entirely of broken glass in his throat, watching Cisco recoil when he mentions how he was killed, watching the fear and hurt cross his face, watching as he starts laughing and can't stop. It goes on for an uncomfortably long time while Eddie's gut clenches and aches with anxiety and regret and fear and a desperate longing to make things better for Cisco, somehow, to make all of this go away, to make him happy again, somehow. Because Eddie's not sure he's ever heard something as terrible as the way Cisco laughs, helpless and devoid of any kind of humour, empty and hopeless and awful.

When Cisco blurts out, like it's a joke, like it's funny, that he's pretty sure that him being unlovable is exactly what it means, Eddie makes a soft choking noise, and the moment Cisco is pulling his hand away from his, he's reaching out, closing his hand over Cisco's other knee. He wants contact, he doesn't want Cisco to withdraw like that, even though he realizes with an abrupt stab of pain, that Cisco is dismissing Eddie's affection, his care, as if it doesn't count.]

Cisco...come on, hey, that is absolutely not what it means, please...

[Biting himself off as Cisco starts speaking again, saying he's fine and it's okay and then immediately saying he needs to cry for a couple of hours, which completely contradicts the 'being okay' bit. For a moment, Eddie just looks at him, his brows furrowed, and then he shakes his head.]

No. You haven't bothered me, Cisco.

[A pause, and then Eddie makes a decision, firm and immediate.]

You're not going anywhere. Stay here with me, okay? I want you to stay, for the rest of the night, even. If you have to cry, I want to be here to hold you and touch your hair. I know...I know I'm not Dr. Wells. I can't give you what you needed from him, I know...

[His voice chokes off because it hurts, but he doesn't want to make this about himself, doesn't want to change the subject to his hurt feelings because this is about Cisco. Cisco is the one in distress. So he forces himself to talk through it.]

And I know that the fact I care doesn't count for nearly as much. But I hope...I hope it's something.

[Gently, Eddie reaches out for him, unaware of how stricken his expression looks, his hand extended to Cisco, trembling slightly.]

Please, Cisco.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco hadn't expected that - for Eddie to reach out again, to stop him. It was one thing, to hug him and be as patient as he can when Cisco had barged in demanding answers. But it's quite another to prevent him from leaving, when he tried to do so on his own. Eddie's too polite to kick anyone out, but now Eddie is actively stopping him from retreating to the privacy of his room to lick his wounds in solitude.

He had only had a few more moments of composure left in him, and they never stood a chance when Eddie is talking about wanting to hold him and touch his hair, asking him to stay all night so he doesn't have to be alone with this awful knowledge. And just for a second Cisco feels a little surge of hope, and happiness. It is tiny, dwarfed by the magnitude of his grief and self-loathing. But it is there. ]

What? [ Cisco stops trying to pull away, looking back towards Eddie. ] Why would you think... of course you count as much.

[ But even in the awful fog of his misery Cisco can see the logic of Eddie's reaction. He said he cared about Cisco, Cisco replied that no one cared about him. To Eddie, it must sound like Cisco is saying he is no one. He has to explain his logic - carefully, without letting himself come anywhere near his feelings of rejection - so that Eddie will understand what he'd really meant. ]

I just meant- you're like... the opposite of somebody who's not capable of caring about anybody but himself. You're this total hero and a great guy and you... you care about everybody. You cared about Barry even when stuff was so weird between him and Iris. You care about Yuri even when he's being very Yuri. [ Cisco manages a sliver of a brittle smile, then, wiping a fresh tear from his cheek. ] You care about the cats, and the people you save at work even when they're awful. You just- you care about everybody. It's what you do. Default setting. And that's what's so great about you.

[ Cisco can't bear how heartbroken Eddie looks, and that he'd made him look that way. He lets his head fall forward, shoulders shaking now with the effort of holding back sobs. ]

But that doesn't change the fact that- that nobody could ever- that I'm so-

[ He can't finish that sentence, gives his head a little shake instead. It's all he can do to keep that laughter from bubbling up again. ]

[causational]

[Eddie is still for a few moments, waiting for Cisco's response, his reaction, to see if he'll insist on leaving or if he'll give in and stay the way Eddie wants him to. When Cisco stops trying to pull away and looks at him, Eddie feels a little surge of relief, at least until Cisco asks him why he would think he doesn't count as much. And how can Eddie explain that, without shifting the focus from Cisco to himself the way he's trying so hard not to?

But then Cisco is explaining, how he sees Eddie as this person who can care about everyone, cites so many examples - Barry and Yuri and the cats and people at work. Says it like how he cares about Cisco is the same as Barry or people at work, a default, and he's shaking his head even before Cisco sobs out that nobody could ever, that he's so...]

Look, Cisco, I don't know what you think you are, but people...

[For a moment, he feels an intense wall of frustration. At himself, for not being able to just tell Cisco about all the complicated feelings he's been having, for not being able to convince Cisco that he's worthwhile, that he can't just...make everything better, again. That he doesn't know how to express all the complicated things going on in his mind and find some perfect, eloquent way to make Cisco believe how special and amazing he is.

And then he pushes past that wall, and reaches out, and it's bad that he doesn't ask first, he knows, but he needs to be holding Cisco. So he gets to his knees, wraps his arms around him, and pulls him close against himself, as much as he can, his arms around him. Eddie speaks, tries not to censor himself too much, tries to let go of wanting it to sound perfect and scripted like the final scene in a romcom.]

That's not how I care about you, Cisco. Not like Barry or Yuri or the cats or the people at work. This...how I feel about you, it's not default. You're important. You're special. I...

[Gently, he squeezes Cisco, eyes sinking closed.]

You're more than my best friend. It's not just that. It's all...complicated and hard to put into words and I'm scared of it, a little, but it's more than that. I just can't stand to hear you say no one could care about you when you matter so much to me, and all I want to do is be around you all the time, and hear your jokes and your voice and look at your face.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco is too emotional to have any pretense or defenses left at all; when Eddie pulls him into an embrace, he sinks into it at once, leaning his weight against Eddie, hiding his face gratefully in the curve between Eddie's neck and shoulder. It just feels good, being held like this. Good enough to pierce through the thick haze of self-hatred and ignite another little spark of hope. Maybe he is wrong about himself. Maybe... just maybe he isn't entirely repulsive after all.

He isn't even aware of any of the struggle it is costing Eddie, choosing the words he does and expressing himself. All Cisco knows is that Eddie is saying he doesn't care only in the same way he cares about everybody else, but that there is more to it. That Cisco is important to him, that he wants to be around him, listen to him. He talks about wanting to drink in Cisco's presence in a way that echoes just how Cisco feels about Eddie.

Cisco feels it happening like it is a physical sensation - his hopes, getting lifted up from rock bottom. Eddie says that Cisco matters to him, in particular. That he is special. And Cisco wants so badly to believe it. To just, for once, really mean something to someone. To not only be tolerated, or casually liked. But to be loved - or at least, enjoyed - in a personal way.]

You promise?

[ The words are, at least, different from before. They are small, but the despair that had been so thick in his voice before is gone, replaced by fragile, tentative hope.

He shouldn't even be entertaining this - he should know better. This will turn out to be too good to be true, just like always. But if this is a stupid, near-sighted mistake, it is one that Cisco wants to make, badly. He continues clinging to Eddie, resting most of his weight against Eddie's steady bare chest. ]

Why are you scared?

[causational]

[Cisco sinks against him, and Eddie gathers him up immediately, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, the other coming up into his hair, stroking at it, fingers smoothing through it, the tips of them curling against his scalp for a moment before sliding down through the warm, smooth strands of it. He can feel Cisco's breath against his throat, his warm cheek pressed against Eddie's bare shoulder, and he shifts, slightly, rocking their bodies just a little as he holds him, in an instinctive attempt to comfort.

When Cisco asks, his voice muffled against the side of Eddie's neck, against his shoulder, if he promises, and the words are so soft and small and hopeful, with some of that desperation and pain drained out of it. It sounds so vulnerable, the way he asks it, that Eddie feels an intense surge of emotion, an overwhelming mixture of anxiety and desire and affection and want so thick he can practically taste it. His arms tense slightly as he holds Cisco, pulling him in a bit closer as Cisco leans against him more, the solid weight of his body against Eddie's bare skin.]

I promise.

[When Cisco asks him why he's scared, he closes his eyes tight and buries his face into the side of Cisco's head. And because of that overwhelming surge of emotion, because of how vulnerable Cisco's voice is, because he's sleepy and feeling vulnerable himself, because he wants Cisco to understand how much he's wanted, how lovable he is, he answers honestly. More honestly than he should, at any rate.]

It scares me because...because after what happened, during the blackout, I tried to put some distance because I didn't...you know, I didn't want you to be another rebound, I didn't want things to turn out like they did with Taako. But it's not that easy.

[His voice is soft, and quiet, and he closes his eyes, nuzzling against the side of Cisco's head.]

I wanted to take it slow, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and I'm scared because what I'm feeling is just so damn big, it's so much. I know that sounds stupid.

[Burying his face into Cisco's hair, he inhales the scent of it, his eyes closed.]

I just can't stand to hear you say that about yourself, when all I want is to hold you and rush into things I should take my time with.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco doesn't say anything at first; he had heard every word, but it takes him some time to parse through them, to repeat them over and over, turn them upside down and inside out and make sure - extra double triple quadruple sure - that he is not misinterpreting. All that time, he stays curled close to Eddie, feeling the warmth coming off him, the slight shift of his shoulders and chest as he breathes. He can feel Eddie's breath in his hair, too, and the way Eddie nuzzles against him ever so gently.

He swallows a few times before speaking, and though his voice is still heavy with emotion, it is no longer choked up with tears that are threatening to come at any moment. ]

I thought... I thought you didn't want...

[ Cisco can't do this not looking at Eddie; he has to be able to see his face, to look for even a flickering sign of discomfort, or a lie. He pulls away, dark eyes standing out even more on his face with the red around his eyes from crying. Cisco waits until Eddie is looking at him, gnawing nervously at his lower lip before forcing himself to keep speaking, to tell the truth, ugly and embarrassing as it is. ]

When we talked that morning you said all you could offer was, y'know, only friendship for now. But... everybody knows that's just a soft way of saying 'no'. Like, you didn't want to hurt my feelings, 'cause we're friends and we live together and you're a really nice person, but that... what we did was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. Nobody ever says 'let's just be friends for now' unless they mean 'I don't actually want you'.

[ Cisco had thought that was clear - that both of them were on the same page with this. All the awkwardness between them since then had been because Eddie knew that Cisco was still pining for him, but just wasn't interested. It was always awkward, when two people were aware of an unrequited thing like that. Sure, there had been a tiny speck of hope, and on occasion Cisco had wondered if maybe someday when they were drunk again Eddie might suggest some kind of friends with benefits arrangement...

But now Eddie is saying that not only is he feeling things, but feeling them enough that it frightens him, and he wants to hold him and rush into things that Cisco hadn't even realized he was trying to approach more slowly. ]