[ If it were happening to someone else, Cisco might be curious about why that one detail was different than the others. For everything that Eddie had told him, he had remembered nothing - there hadn't been any sense of recognition or rightness, any instinctive response at all. But when he says that Dr. Wells had phased his hand through Cisco's chest, had killed him by damaging his heart, something does happen. The fear comes on suddenly, a flood, and he freezes.
There's no reason he knows why this should be different, and yet the moment Eddie says those words, he feels utter and paralyzing terror. It goes beyond what he thinks he would feel, just finding out that Dr. Wells had killed him in such an unusually hands-on and up-close way. It's as if some part of him, deeper than whatever parts of his brain the amnesia is effecting, recognizes the truth of it, and remembers.
The feeling is mercifully brief, but it further convinces him that this isn't some mistake or trick on all of them (he doesn't think Eddie's lying, but what if HIS memories were tampered with?). And what a coincidence, that he finds that certainty just before Eddie says, essentially, what sounds like an elaborate 'no'. After all, "he isn't capable of caring about anyone" still means that Wells had feigned caring for Cisco. That it had been about what use he could get out of him, more than anything else.
Cisco laughs, then. It's cracked and soft and audibly just this side of completely breaking down. Eddie had exactly anticipated what he would think next. Eddie can say that none of that means Cisco is unloveable, but that doesn't actually make it true. The evidence suggests otherwise, strongly. Sure, Eddie cares about him. But Eddie cares about everybody. Eddie is the kind of guy who would shoot himself in the chest just to keep everyone safe - being someone he cares about is roughly the same as being alive.
And yes, Caitlin loved him in her way, or at least he'd thought so until she just... disappeared for months, hardly texted him back. He had wanted to be patient and understanding while she went through a tough time, but it was hard not to re-evaluate how much he really mattered to her. The same had been true for Barry, who said they were best friends, but caught bullets that Joe had fired to save Cisco's life.
He can't actually seem to stop laughing, which is a new and frightening thing (though who knows - maybe this is normal for him and he's just forgotten that along with the rest). Eventually he forces himself to suck in a long breath to disrupt the momentum of those shivery awful giggles and says, as if it's a joke: ]
Pretty sure that's exactly what it means.
[ Cisco pulls his hand from Eddie's hold, wiping at the corners of his eyes with the heel of his palm and thinking how very incontrovertible the evidence is. The funny thing, the thing that had made him laugh just now, was the fact that he should have known it all along. Every time he's thought that maybe he was special to someone, it turned out to be too good to be true. Even with Eddie, during that blackout. Too good to be true. But he can't risk saying that out loud, because it would be cruel, to make Eddie feel guilty for not wanting him. Cisco can hardly blame him after all. ]
It's okay, though. It's- I'm fine. I should- I should go, I think I actually need to um. Cry for a couple of hours, and I've bothered you enough. Th-thank you for telling me and. Saving my life.
[ And Cisco starts scooting towards the edge of the bed, intending to make it out of the room before he breaks down completely. ]
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There's no reason he knows why this should be different, and yet the moment Eddie says those words, he feels utter and paralyzing terror. It goes beyond what he thinks he would feel, just finding out that Dr. Wells had killed him in such an unusually hands-on and up-close way. It's as if some part of him, deeper than whatever parts of his brain the amnesia is effecting, recognizes the truth of it, and remembers.
The feeling is mercifully brief, but it further convinces him that this isn't some mistake or trick on all of them (he doesn't think Eddie's lying, but what if HIS memories were tampered with?). And what a coincidence, that he finds that certainty just before Eddie says, essentially, what sounds like an elaborate 'no'. After all, "he isn't capable of caring about anyone" still means that Wells had feigned caring for Cisco. That it had been about what use he could get out of him, more than anything else.
Cisco laughs, then. It's cracked and soft and audibly just this side of completely breaking down. Eddie had exactly anticipated what he would think next. Eddie can say that none of that means Cisco is unloveable, but that doesn't actually make it true. The evidence suggests otherwise, strongly. Sure, Eddie cares about him. But Eddie cares about everybody. Eddie is the kind of guy who would shoot himself in the chest just to keep everyone safe - being someone he cares about is roughly the same as being alive.
And yes, Caitlin loved him in her way, or at least he'd thought so until she just... disappeared for months, hardly texted him back. He had wanted to be patient and understanding while she went through a tough time, but it was hard not to re-evaluate how much he really mattered to her. The same had been true for Barry, who said they were best friends, but caught bullets that Joe had fired to save Cisco's life.
He can't actually seem to stop laughing, which is a new and frightening thing (though who knows - maybe this is normal for him and he's just forgotten that along with the rest). Eventually he forces himself to suck in a long breath to disrupt the momentum of those shivery awful giggles and says, as if it's a joke: ]
Pretty sure that's exactly what it means.
[ Cisco pulls his hand from Eddie's hold, wiping at the corners of his eyes with the heel of his palm and thinking how very incontrovertible the evidence is. The funny thing, the thing that had made him laugh just now, was the fact that he should have known it all along. Every time he's thought that maybe he was special to someone, it turned out to be too good to be true. Even with Eddie, during that blackout. Too good to be true. But he can't risk saying that out loud, because it would be cruel, to make Eddie feel guilty for not wanting him. Cisco can hardly blame him after all. ]
It's okay, though. It's- I'm fine. I should- I should go, I think I actually need to um. Cry for a couple of hours, and I've bothered you enough. Th-thank you for telling me and. Saving my life.
[ And Cisco starts scooting towards the edge of the bed, intending to make it out of the room before he breaks down completely. ]