secretarialhand: (remote)
csevet aisava ([personal profile] secretarialhand) wrote in [community profile] riverviewlogs 2018-08-24 02:59 am (UTC)

[The most unfortunate part of the explanation is that, while it should be basic, common sense that people are born with the inclinations that they have and therefore those inclinations should not be thought poorly of, much like the colour of their eyes or skin, it simply isn't common to think so. There are people who will judge anyone for being different than themselves, and the society they come from, particularly in court, is one that is geared toward judgement, that rewards it. That is why Csevet has never been particularly...open...about his inclinations, especially after seeing the effect that such dalliances have had on the reputations and lives of people like Mer Celehar, Count Nethenel, or Mer Reshema.

When Maia says that he envies how early Csevet had come to realize what he preferred, Csevet makes a soft exhalation that's not quite a laugh.]


We are not entirely sure it is something to be envious of, Serenity. [A pause.] Maia. For it made understanding ourselves and our place in the world quite complicated at a young age, though we do not regret knowing or being what we are.

[His eyes stay on Maia when the younger man blurts out that question - had he ever been in love? For a moment, Csevet is quiet, experiencing the intense sensation of abruptly knowing, deep within himself, what those unacknowledged feelings are. In this moment, he could confess his feelings, could be open with his Emperor, who has asked him to be, and responded so kindly to that openness - for a moment, just one moment, he considers it. But then he pushes the inclination down, and drops his eyes, though his mouth is curved into a small, warm smile, his cheeks and the tips of his ears a little pink.]

Once we thought we were in love, with a girl we knew as a child, but we soon realized the feelings were entirely platonic. Another time, we thought we were in love with one of our fellow couriers, and believed that love reciprocated, but in time the feelings waned, as we do not believe love does. We were twenty, then.

[A short pause, and he lifts his eyes.]

Since then we have had feelings for people, but never pursued something meaningful, we threw ourselves into work, for often our feelings are for those who would not reciprocate, or could not.

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