[Alex had known how Richard would have responded to those words of course, because there was no way he couldn't not. Even with how he had loosened some of his doubts with what was going on here and with her kidnapping (she had read his asking for magic sources, even if Alex hadn't commented on it for good reason. At least not yet. She was reserving the right for when he said something about the magic here next time.) she knew that his disbelief in such a place as hell was going to be steadfast and would always cause that same reaction of the smirk that matched the one she gave him in return after the words.
Of course, she hadn't missed the softness of his smile at her telling him that she loved him, and she hadn't missed how much younger and happier it had made him look, as if it had chased some of the specters (yes, there's no such thing as specters Alex) of the life that had haunted him since he was a child and since Howard Strand had become "interested" in him and had begun to attempt to 'prepare' him for the rest of his life with nights in caves and arcane presents and abuse in the form of attempting to strong arm him into a reason that may or may not have been actually helpful in his life. But those weren't the only memories that they'd chased off; it was also Coralee and every heartbreak that she'd brought with her since she'd forced herself into his life.
Alex wasn't an idiot. Even though Strand had denied that he was married (one of the few times he'd actually out and out lied to her rather than be evasive and the like) she had known. She'd known through the research and vetting that Nic and the studio had done before she'd reached out to him with those eleven calls, but she hadn't said anything in front of the Torres family because it wasn't her place. She didn't know him well enough to have it be her place at that point. But Alex knew that Strand considered himself a married man even though he had flirted with her (even if it was subconsciously) when the two of them had met.
While it hadn't been a lie, what she'd told him in his office here about how she'd had a flash of a fantasy of having sex with him in his office in Chicago when he mentioned people actually listening to the radio , it wasn't something that Alex would have ever acted on. At least not then. Richard had the oaths that he'd made to his marriage and to the wife that wasn't dead, and Alex had journalism ethics, and knowing that she shouldn't let herself become too close to him, and to close to the story. Being in a relationship with him other than being his friend (and being his friend was probably stretching it a bit, honestly) was something that would destroy any credibility that she had.
More times than had been recorded on the show, Nic had lectured, warned and attempted to coerce her into creating more boundaries between herself and Strand; it had never worked, and Alex had argued more than once that their friendship tended to make the podcast stronger and more accessible. Even if they hadn't agreed, Alex wouldn't have withdrawn her friendship from him; he had all too rapidly become an important part of her life.
Yes, Alex was someone who tended to make friends wherever she went, but she was also someone who lived and breathed and ate her work, so friends who weren't involved with it tended to fall along the wayside back home. Oh, her email and answering machine was always full of invitations to things, but Alex was far better at giving people her regrets than her time. It was something that had become all that much more true when Strand moved into his father's house, and when he'd come back from his latest disappearing act, Alex's withdrawal had been rather complete.
After all, it was hard to find time for friends when you were working in your office either alone or with someone else until Nic kicked her out, and then Alex would pack up and more often than not, she'd show up at Richard's hard to debrief him on things that had happened if he hadn't been around and talk about things more in depth if he had. In the end, she would end up taking up the corner of the couch (this corner of the couch, actually) with her papers around her, and a glass of wine, giving him a bright smile and steadfastly ignoring all of the feelings that she'd had for hers.
The past three years had been a succession of Alex forcing herself not to say something, to try not to flirt and to definitely not kiss him. The night that they'd spent in his house the first time, Alex had reached over and held his hand so he wasn't alone that night, and that was practically as far as they'd gotten until she'd had six months to consider how short life was, how much she loved him and how in the end, her journalism ethics weren't going to be the thing that kept her happy.
Even though Alex couldn't pinpoint when she'd started having actual feelings for him, she had forced herself not to try and force herself so far into is life. That was why she hadn't assumed that he would want her to go with Geneva and he'd needed to ask her, and that was why when she told him about her feelings, she'd been prepared (even if it would hurt places and so deeply that she didn't want to think about it now) for him to remind her that he was married and that he loves his wife very much and the two of them were just friends. But now there was no concern about Coralee between them, and instead she just drew her finger along his chin again before she spoke.]
I thought hell was other people, Dr. Strand. Are you saying they don't exist now? [The teasing was in her voice and in her eyes, she couldn't help it; it was second nature.]
no subject
Of course, she hadn't missed the softness of his smile at her telling him that she loved him, and she hadn't missed how much younger and happier it had made him look, as if it had chased some of the specters (yes, there's no such thing as specters Alex) of the life that had haunted him since he was a child and since Howard Strand had become "interested" in him and had begun to attempt to 'prepare' him for the rest of his life with nights in caves and arcane presents and abuse in the form of attempting to strong arm him into a reason that may or may not have been actually helpful in his life. But those weren't the only memories that they'd chased off; it was also Coralee and every heartbreak that she'd brought with her since she'd forced herself into his life.
Alex wasn't an idiot. Even though Strand had denied that he was married (one of the few times he'd actually out and out lied to her rather than be evasive and the like) she had known. She'd known through the research and vetting that Nic and the studio had done before she'd reached out to him with those eleven calls, but she hadn't said anything in front of the Torres family because it wasn't her place. She didn't know him well enough to have it be her place at that point. But Alex knew that Strand considered himself a married man even though he had flirted with her (even if it was subconsciously) when the two of them had met.
While it hadn't been a lie, what she'd told him in his office here about how she'd had a flash of a fantasy of having sex with him in his office in Chicago when he mentioned people actually listening to the radio , it wasn't something that Alex would have ever acted on. At least not then. Richard had the oaths that he'd made to his marriage and to the wife that wasn't dead, and Alex had journalism ethics, and knowing that she shouldn't let herself become too close to him, and to close to the story. Being in a relationship with him other than being his friend (and being his friend was probably stretching it a bit, honestly) was something that would destroy any credibility that she had.
More times than had been recorded on the show, Nic had lectured, warned and attempted to coerce her into creating more boundaries between herself and Strand; it had never worked, and Alex had argued more than once that their friendship tended to make the podcast stronger and more accessible. Even if they hadn't agreed, Alex wouldn't have withdrawn her friendship from him; he had all too rapidly become an important part of her life.
Yes, Alex was someone who tended to make friends wherever she went, but she was also someone who lived and breathed and ate her work, so friends who weren't involved with it tended to fall along the wayside back home. Oh, her email and answering machine was always full of invitations to things, but Alex was far better at giving people her regrets than her time. It was something that had become all that much more true when Strand moved into his father's house, and when he'd come back from his latest disappearing act, Alex's withdrawal had been rather complete.
After all, it was hard to find time for friends when you were working in your office either alone or with someone else until Nic kicked her out, and then Alex would pack up and more often than not, she'd show up at Richard's hard to debrief him on things that had happened if he hadn't been around and talk about things more in depth if he had. In the end, she would end up taking up the corner of the couch (this corner of the couch, actually) with her papers around her, and a glass of wine, giving him a bright smile and steadfastly ignoring all of the feelings that she'd had for hers.
The past three years had been a succession of Alex forcing herself not to say something, to try not to flirt and to definitely not kiss him. The night that they'd spent in his house the first time, Alex had reached over and held his hand so he wasn't alone that night, and that was practically as far as they'd gotten until she'd had six months to consider how short life was, how much she loved him and how in the end, her journalism ethics weren't going to be the thing that kept her happy.
Even though Alex couldn't pinpoint when she'd started having actual feelings for him, she had forced herself not to try and force herself so far into is life. That was why she hadn't assumed that he would want her to go with Geneva and he'd needed to ask her, and that was why when she told him about her feelings, she'd been prepared (even if it would hurt places and so deeply that she didn't want to think about it now) for him to remind her that he was married and that he loves his wife very much and the two of them were just friends. But now there was no concern about Coralee between them, and instead she just drew her finger along his chin again before she spoke.]
I thought hell was other people, Dr. Strand. Are you saying they don't exist now? [The teasing was in her voice and in her eyes, she couldn't help it; it was second nature.]