[ Aoba feels his voice growing smaller as his throat closes in on itself. He wants to croak out how Karamatsu could say such a thing - 'could just remain your friend' hot on the heels of that reckless promise to never leave his side for anything. Aoba's fist on his back loosens to palm the spot, then slides off.
Just how am I supposed to feel?! What am I supposed to do?! What kind of friend am I? Or boyfriend?
But instead he finds himself caught in a trap. He can't unhinge his jaw or raise his voice to tell him this. His breath catches in his throat like something dry that he can't swallow. His chest is tight and his head hurts, but while he knows he should tell him this, he's frozen. Paralyzed by his fear of making this worse, risking either of his relationships would be catastrophic, but doing nothing is also... risky.
What if... because he's been telling Karamatsu how much he means to him, because of all those times he gets close to him... if this is his own fault? Now, all the times he's been so friendly with him seems twisted and distorted under this perverted lens, like he was hanging all over him, dishonest and unfaithful to Noiz. Aoba's stomach twists into painful and sickening knots and he feels every corner of his body fill with self loathing.
He's a coward and he's also selfish, and as he pushes away from him to stand up, he turns away, but mostly out of shame at himself. ]
...I'm going. [ If being alone with him is going to be a problem, then he needs to go. Go home to Noiz and try to make sense of what just happened. Find someplace quiet where he can think and process all of this. He turns around, but only to lower himself into a bow. ]
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Just how am I supposed to feel?! What am I supposed to do?! What kind of friend am I? Or boyfriend?
But instead he finds himself caught in a trap. He can't unhinge his jaw or raise his voice to tell him this. His breath catches in his throat like something dry that he can't swallow. His chest is tight and his head hurts, but while he knows he should tell him this, he's frozen. Paralyzed by his fear of making this worse, risking either of his relationships would be catastrophic, but doing nothing is also... risky.
What if... because he's been telling Karamatsu how much he means to him, because of all those times he gets close to him... if this is his own fault? Now, all the times he's been so friendly with him seems twisted and distorted under this perverted lens, like he was hanging all over him, dishonest and unfaithful to Noiz. Aoba's stomach twists into painful and sickening knots and he feels every corner of his body fill with self loathing.
He's a coward and he's also selfish, and as he pushes away from him to stand up, he turns away, but mostly out of shame at himself. ]
...I'm going. [ If being alone with him is going to be a problem, then he needs to go. Go home to Noiz and try to make sense of what just happened. Find someplace quiet where he can think and process all of this. He turns around, but only to lower himself into a bow. ]
I'm sorry for having caused you so much trouble.